Hello Efe,

Growing up, I wanted to get married because it seemed like that was the expectation. I thought it was just a formality of life, that everyone got married. As I grew up I realized that I was naive in my way of thinking. Not everyone gets married, and not everyone is even right for marriage, or even wants to get married. Later on I thought marriage was license to have sex because of my religious beliefs and for a few years that’s the reason why I wanted to get married. As I grew older (I am 26), I started to really understand what marriage really is and what it actually entails. Looking back, I think I only wanted marriage because the people in my life wanted it. It seemed like that was the only option in life. Everyone HAD to get married to be happy. But that’s not true. I know my parents want me to get married and have my own family someday, but honestly I don’t see that as something I really want from life. I guess my question is, am I the only one? I grew up believing I wanted marriage, but in reality I only was complying to the wishes of others. I feel stupid, honestly, that it took me this long to find my own path. Sharing my life with someone just doesn’t sound appealing to me, like it does for other people. IS this normal, has anyone else had a similar experience?

Miranda

 

Hello Miranda,

You’ve come to some deep understanding of yourself, your own views, your upbringing versus what you want. Most ‘traditional’ and religious families are like yours. Marry, raise a family, have grandchildren someday. Sadly, marriage is not for everyone and neither is parenthood.

I think for you to have this all figured out is a good thing. However even a few years down the road those feelings may change. Our mind-sets can change as we age and the thought of being alone and not having a companion can weigh on our emotions and even physical wellbeing

Most parents want their kids to grow up and have their own kids so they can be grandparents but the reality is not everybody wants kids or being married. Many people are also career driven and simply want to make a point of excelling in their profession and could care less about finding a wife/husband and having a family. We all have the right to live our life the way we want although it may upset our families.

I know you are not the only one who feels this way. You are not weird in any way.

Efe

 

Hello Efe,

This guy I have been chatting with just invited me to hang out with him. Met him on Twitter and he is one of those people that is very popular and everyone seems to like.

We haven’t met in real life and I am nervous that he might get disappointed when he sees me. 
I don’t think I am pretty or cool. He had said that he thinks I’m beautiful but what if he thinks I’m boring?

People always tell me how beautiful I am, but I just can’t see it. 

I always feel this way when it comes to meeting new guys and it is ruining my chances of being in a relationship.

Oby

 

Hello Oby,

You seem to have some low self-esteem problems. Low self-esteem generally stems from two sources, your opinion of your physical appearance, and your opinion of yourself as a person.

For physical appearance, you have probably have found “flaws” that you think make you so unattractive that “no one” would want to date you. You need to remember that you are the only person that checks you out 24/7 and those flaws you find that seem so huge, most people don’t even notice them.

As long as you practice good hygiene, keep clean, brush your hair and teeth, and choose things to wear that compliment your physical appearance, you will be fine.

Your opinion of yourself affects you in ways you may not even realize. If you don’t like yourself, you can be easily depressed and lonely. So the answer is to do things to make you like yourself.

Always be yourself, don’t try hard to be cool or break your back in trying to be attractive. Once you like yourself enough, you won’t mind hanging out with other people and you will start feeling comfortable with the idea of dating.

Efe

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Responses

  1. Larz
    Hi Oby
    You need to work on your self esteem before you start dating. Some men-vultures have a low esteem radar and they prey on women with low esteem. Trust me they can cause lasting image.

    Everyday you wake up, go infront of the mirror and say “I am beautifully and wonderfully made”. Then list 5 things you love about you. Make sure at least one of the things you love are newly discovered so you don’t repeat the same five items every single day.

    Also, everytime you are critical of something not so perfect about you, try to say something about it (or if not about something else good about you).
    E.g. Replace thoughts of”I look like a teenager” with “when I am older, this will be a compliment”.

    Finally, make a (mental or physical) list of compliments you get about you

    11+
  2. mollie12
    The writer of the first letter still sounds like she’s going through a phase: practically everyone gets to the place where they question the wisdom of what was handed down to them. But that in itself is not a destination. She needs to be sure of what exactly she wants, and not come to that realization many years after.
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