Dear Efe, I Have Been Waiting For Two Years

  Hi, My wife and I have been married for almost one year. My Wife went out with her friends after work one day and stayed out until very late. I was not in town and I told her I wish she had told me first because I feel like she does not respect me…

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Hi,

My wife and I have been married for almost one year. My Wife went out with her friends after work one day and stayed out until very late.

I was not in town and I told her I wish she had told me first because I feel like she does not respect me enough as her husband.

She turns it around and says I am accusing her of cheating. Basically everything has gotten worse from there. That was two weeks ago and we have not said a word to each other since then. I live abroad for now while she is in Lagos for now. I am coming home for Christmas and do not know how to deal with this.

Please help with any advice you might have.

E.

 

Hello E,

First of all, you are both adults so you need to stop acting like children. The silent treatment is for kids. You both need to talk and someone needs to apologize–ideally, both of you. Her comment about cheating was inappropriate (unless there something going on you’re not saying). She needs to apologize for that. Infidelity is not an issue to be bandied lightly in a marriage.

You both need to see each other’s point of view and get explanations before jumping to conclusions and making judgments. Of course she should have told you first, but would you have argued with her? Maybe she had a bad day at work or felt miserable herself and needed to enjoy the good company of her friends. Don’t forget, you are living apart and it must be tough for her not having you around in such a young marriage.

You don’t have to have a big forgiveness session, just a phone call that starts with an “I’m sorry” is a good place to start.

So start talking. Say “I’m sorry you took my words the wrong way. I was saying that I would’ve appreciated you letting me know you were going to be out. I don’t think you’re cheating. I trust you. It just hurt my feelings that you didn’t let me know you were going out, so I wouldn’t worry or wonder if you were okay. Wouldn’t you feel the same if I didn’t show up after work one day? I hope you would. People who love each other get concerned when the one of them doesn’t follow their usual schedule. I hope you had a good time while you were out. I don’t begrudge you that at all. I love you and I was worried.”

Or something similar.

COMMUNICATE. Silence solves nothing.

You two both need to be considerate of each other’s feelings. Her jumping to the conclusion that you were accusing her of cheating almost makes it sound as though she was (guilty conscience). Why would she say that if all you did was express that you were bugged by her not having the courtesy to let you know she wasn’t going to be home on time?

Efe

 

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Efe,

My name is Timi and I’m 20. I met this guy in my 3rd year. We were in the same Bible Study group. We became close and ended up dating after a few months of being friends.

He was doing an extra semester so was not always on campus. He was my first boyfriend and our relationship was everything to me. Everything. We dated a few months, broke up, got back together a month later and dated again for almost one year. His family absolutely loves me.

The reason for our break up is he said I was still a student and he was a corper. I told him he was not making sense and he told me I would not understand.

I have finished my youth service now, he just started working and I am still so in love with him.

We don’t talk anymore. We used to exchange messages checking on each other from time to time but I got frustrated hoping that something would change so I told him to block me on social media and all other communication channels so he wouldn’t resent how much I want to talk to him.

His friends say he tries to act tough in front of them, saying he doesn’t love me and it’s over. But around his mom it’s a touchy subject. A month ago I ran into his mum at a wedding and she made me feel he still loves me and that it is the woman’s job to make a man see sense. We chat now on Whatsapp and she makes me have hope we will get back together.

I am now at the same level as this guy, he has a job and I about to start working in January and we are at the same level for the first time since we first met and I am hoping I am good enough for him now.

I still cry almost every day and it’s been almost two years since he broke up with me.

What should I do?

Timi

 

 

Hello Timi,

Growing up is like constantly exploring a new territory. We stand, then we walk, then we read, then we write. We learn about sex. We learn about love.

With each step we push into unknown territory. We don’t get to halt at one stage of life and say, “That’s enough. I’m stopping here.” That would be like you saying, “I’ve had a year of being a medical student, I know what it’s like to be a doctor ”

Your on-again, off-again relationship ended two years ago. Instead of going on with your journey you wanted to stop where you were, even though he moved on. So now you must move on. The next step for you is meeting new people and having new experiences.

Don’t forget this, men are territorial; they go after what is important to them. If a man is not breaking down your door to profess his love for you, he either does not love you or not deserving of your own love and attention.

You are no longer his girlfriend, so don’t hang out with his mom, don’t be chatting with her. It is on her if her son is not bold enough to chase a woman he loves.

You might be his mother’s choice, but you are not his choice. The power of him being your first love combined with the fantasy of what might have been has stopped you in your tracks. You can’t force this relationship to be what you want.

Forced relationships don’t go anywhere positive. When a woman pursues a man, even if she catches him, in time she will realize he does not love her. If he loved you, you would be together.

The best time to learn this is now. You don’t chase people who aren’t in love with you. You don’t chase people who don’t have the feelings for you that you have for them.

You were young and impressionable a couple of years ago. Dating was uncharted territory for you at that time, not any more.

Imagine where you will be in four years. Imagine what it could be like to be with a man who loves you as much as you love him.

Don’t waste this possibility waiting for a man who left you because you were not at his level.

Efe

Responses

  1. O'Kel
    Hello Efe,
    I quite agree with most of what you said in response to the first letter, what I didn’t like was how that you suggested to the husband that his wife might be cheating. “Her jumping to the conclusion that you were accusing her of cheating almost makes it sound as though she was (guilty conscience). Why would she say that if all you did was express that you were bugged by her not having the courtesy to let you know she wasn’t going to be home on time?”
    Even though that might be a possibility, as a counselor, I feel there are better ways you could have handled that bit. Let the man come to that conclusion by himself, don’t give him fodder to feed any negative imaginations…who knows, she might have just been provoked by his tone or manner of asking about her whereabouts.
    1. Exclusive
      Or she might actually be cheating. Might being the operative word.

      It’s Efe’s “duty” to examine the varying possible angles of an issue. I think he did just that.

        1. Nnanyielugo
          No he wasn’t.
          He skipped the cheating part the first time, even though (let’s be honest) that’s what her reaction would suggest.

          Perhaps you’re the one being rather narrow-minded here.

          Posted from TNC Mobile

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