Hi,

My boyfriend has cheated on me twice since we started dating 3 years ago. I am pretty confident he is not cheating now. He has changed much since I found out what he was cheating the last time. He are planning to get married and he just started paying for a plot of land with my name on it.

He is loving to me most of the time. I believe this is proof that he loves me. The problem is I also have proof that he does not love me because he cheated. So I have proof he loves me and also proof that he does not love me.

My mum tells me I should forget his infidelity that she thinks he is a changed person and I agree. The problem of the past is that one second later everything is in the past. To me, saying it is in the past is just a way to excuse anything. You could do almost anything, and then later say it is in the past.

My mum wants me to focus on the present and future, and consider the cheating in the past. If this is a way to move on, then my boyfriend can do almost anything to me and later be forgiven. He can even plan to do something and say to himself later on it will be in the past.

Because something happened before and is not happening now is not a good reason to think it will not happen again. For me, because something happened in the past, it is more reasonable to believe it will happen again. After all, if he had not cheated, there would be no past cheating and no reason to say “put it in the past.

Efe, what do you think?

Bunmi

 

Hello Bunmi,

Your logic is correct. As human beings we have to forecast our future in order to understand what we should do today. Your forecast for the future has changed because your boyfriend had sex with other girls.

His cheating is not in the past, because he can do it again. But there is one thing which is in the past trust. To trut him 100% is gone and it can not be gained back 100%.

Efe

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Efe,

I met this guy and we became quite close online. Over time, he told me he was married and that really broke my heart as I was already falling in love with him. How do I stop constantly thinking about him even though I know he is married and I don’t want to date a married man?

Uwa

 

Hello Uwa,

This guy did not just realize he was married on the day he told you, he knew and deliberately kept it from you. That is how manipulative men behave. Realize that he has you where he wants you and all he wants to do is sleep with you. If he can not be faithful to his wife and mother of his children, be rest assured that a relationship with him will at best be a bitter sweet rollercoaster.

I would like to believe you deserve better, this guy has no genuine interest in you. You will just be another girl he sleeps with until he moves on to the next. It is his desires he wants fulfilled and he will tell you anything you want to hear to get what he wants from you.

The only way to let go of him is to stop thinking about him a second time. There are many thoughts we think that it’s better not to dwell on. Learning to discipline your mind is a valuable skill. The trick is to teach yourself never to have the second thought. We have no control over the first thought that comes into our minds, but we can learn to observe it and choose not to follow it.

Say, for example, someone stole your phone, You will have the thought “Someone stole my phone.” Okay, now you have a choice between 1) following up with “Shit, I have to spend money buying a new phone, getting a new sim, etc. oh God, what am I going to do? or…. 2) observing the thought and saying to yourself “I’m stopping here, stressing is not going to move me forward”

Then turn your mind to something else.

You can save yourself a lot of grief by mastering this skill.

Efe

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Hello Efe,

 How do I tell my girlfriend that I don’t love her anymore?

 I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 2 years now. I’m 32, she is 28. She is lovely and sweet but I’ve been showing no feeling towards her in the last few months, and obviously making her suffer. Every day I wake up and think how better would be my life if I was single again and have the opportunity to date other girls and be truly happy again. She loves me deeply and I know she wants us to get married. I don’t have the courage to tell her I want us to end the relationship because I know that it will destroy her, but it seems day after day it’s becoming more difficult to me.

I would like to add that we are not going through a difficult time, every thing is “perfect”. I’m completely rational about my feeling, this thought has been with me for a couple of months now.

 Please advice me.

J

Hello J,

It is not possible to be “perfectly rational about your feelings.” You are simply suppressing your feelings in favor of your thoughts.

I suggest that, if you cannot find a way to breath passion into your current relationship, dating other girls will not exactly give you the satisfaction you expect., and you will ultimately wind up a lonely old man. Imagine, buying a new car every time something good bad in the current one we drive. Over the years, we’d end up driving over 50 cars none of which we really ever felt a true sense of ownership or bonding.

Love isn’t something that happens TO you, YOU are something that happens to LOVE. Only children sit and wait for a relationship to do something for them, an adult makes a decision, and digs down to their core to reawaken the love. It never went away — it just got covered in the stress called ‘life’ and bills.

As for wanting to go with other girls, I get that. I also know that it is a CLASSIC case of “the grass is always greener.” Other girls seem amazing BECAUSE YOU CAN’T HAVE THEM. They seem perfect because you have not yet come to know their bad habits and behavior.

You have idealized these other girls, and the ‘perfect’ situations you THINK you could be in with them if you were single again. This means that you are NOT “perfectly rational about your feelings.”

You are merely seeing the SYMBOLS that you equate with “freedom.” This can be overwhelming. It can put you in a state like a hormonal 16-year-old, and you can become totally convinced that you are in LOVE with Jumoke, Anna, or Juliet. Don’t kid yourself. You are getting old, just like everyone else. It’s no fun to grow old alone. It’s sad, lonely, tired and ugly. ESPECIALLY if you blithely walked away from good relationship you were ever part of, just to chase a fantasy bit of tail.

On a last note, it is okay to end a relationship and not waste your girlfriend’s time, I just want you to know that walking away because you want to be with other girls is the wrongest reason for leaving a girl who loves you.

Efe

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Responses

    1. Morris
      Lol, but ‘man’ (be it male or female’ can be that manipulative.

      We all have the ability to be as manipulative as we wanna be. Don’t take it personal.

      0
  1. Larz
    I am not sure I Agree with the response for J. Yes it could be a case of grass being greener on the other side. On the other hand, one can also argue that the other girls seem more appealing because he isn’t not as into his gf as he should. Maybe he never even loved her self.
    2+
  2. Can't remember
    There really isn’t any ‘easier’ or perfect way to end a relationship. It is always going to hurt.
    I think J should end the relationship because he doesn’t care enough for her and ending it will be better for the both of them. It may take a while, it may not but she will surely find a way to cope/live.
    0

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