Dear Efe, Am I The Other Woman?

Hello Efe, Whenever my babe talks to me about her problems, I say that I wish I could help but can’t. And this really upset her and I don’t understand why. It is a bad thing to be honest?  Bolu   Hello Bolu, I have been married for almost years. My wife quite an introvert…

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Hello Efe,

Whenever my babe talks to me about her problems, I say that I wish I could help but can’t. And this really upset her and I don’t understand why. It is a bad thing to be honest?

 Bolu

 

Hello Bolu,

I have been married for almost years. My wife quite an introvert and internalises a lot of things. Of course from time to time, she opens up and shares her anxieties and worries with. At the beginning, I used to say I wished I could help but couldn’t as ultimately, she is the one who has to deal with her issues and fix them. She would get upset and say You always say the wrong thing and I would argue that I was just being honest.

This should make sense right?

No.

I used to have this issue (and on occasion still do). My wife would start talking about a problem. I’d start to figure out how to fix it, or announce I couldn’t.

My wife eventually got it through my big head that all she really want me to do is listen, to be with her through her feelings and explorations of the problem.

I began to learn about listening with emphaty, and the phrase “Tell me more about that” became my most common response.

Your girlfriend doesn’t want you to fix her problems for her. She just wants you to listen and show an interest in her life!

It is just a matter of you encouraging her to talk, and listening properly to what she has to say. It’s her letting off steam, to somebody she trusts and wants to share with.

And that person is you!

What she needs is you, to listen to her, to support her opinions or challenge them, and show her she matters by just being interested enough to listen.

Sometimes people just need reinforcement and support from a trusted person, to help them with their insecurities and anxieties! If you shut her down and say you can’t help, you’ll add to her insecurities, because she might interpret it to mean her boyfriend isn’t bothered about listening to her talk about her life, so maybe he no longer loves her?

No matter how bad her problem is, there is one thing you can always do, listen with emphaty.

Efe

 

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Hi,

Last year, I got into a relationship with a guy who is living apart from his wife. She lives in Canada while he is here in Lagos.

He says she was cheating on him while they were dating but he only found out after the wedding so instead of making a big scene, they agreed to live apart so she relocated to Canada. He says it is a good thing she had not gotten pregnant before he found out. Technically, he says they are not divorced but the marriage is over because they have had this arrangement for almost 5 years now.

This guy is 34 and I am 28 years old, I like our relationship a lot and would love for this to lead somewhere but he doesn’t want to think too much into it as things will eventually fall into place.
He says is crazy about me and I think he is but lately I have started wondering is I am the other woman in this guy’s marriage. When I go to his house, he is like a bachelor, but for some odd reason, I don’t even meet anybody in his family except his brother.

Efe, please be blunt with me, am I being fooled?
Am I becoming ‘the other woman’?

Bukky

 

Hello Bukky,

This doesn’t add up, let me lay down the facts as you have stated them:

1) He’s 34.
2) They don’t have a kid
3) They are not really married.
4) She lives in another country
5) She cheated on him.
6) He doesn’t care *at all* about her, and yet…

He won’t legally end his marriage? No Kids after 5 years and both families are not asking questions? Naa, he’s almost certainly lying to you and why is he lying? Because it works just fine for him.

His bed isn’t empty, but he gets to keep this other girlfriend, who is clearly offering him sex and other girlfriend duties.

Are you becoming ‘the other woman’?

No, not becoming; you already are the other woman.

My guess is, this dude has relocated his family to Canada and like a lot of Nigerian guys do, is staying back here to keep his job while waiting for his family to get their Canadian passports before relocating them back to Nigeria.

It is easy to cheat by taking advantage of how the situation looks. This is a variation of the ‘I am in a relationship/marriage but we are having problems’ lie that guys tell.

Dump him and don’t look back. Cry, lean on friends, call your mom and tell her you did not know. She will understand.

Wait a couple of months before you start dating again.

You’ll find someone who isn’t a liar. 🙂

Efe

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Responses

  1. Morris
    Awww @Bolu. It’s not a woman thing, imagine someone tells you that a good number of times when you share your worries with them, you get pissed.

    I mean, what does … but he doesn’t want to think too much into it as things will eventually fall into place… mean? He is 34, he should think about it. It might hurt, but you need to rip that band aid off, it will only get worse.

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