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Hello Efe

I’ve reached trouble in my three-year relationship. We can’t seem to agree on the topic of doing anything for fun together going anymore. We do love each other and want to work something out, but can’t.

He likes to go out and I don’t. He says it helps him blow off steam, and it feels good to take a break from the daily hustle of Lagos life.

When he goes out, I feel abandoned. He drinks too much usually and drinking with friends usually leads to drama of some sort. He keeps in touch less and usually doesn’t have a plan what time he will get home or if he will even go home or sleep at a friend’s place..

This gives me anxiety. I usually stay up all night worrying if something happened or went wrong. I don’t know how to compromise and make something work that doesn’t leave us both unhappy. We are almost 30. I thought he would have outgrown this need to go clubbing but apparently not.

What do I do?

MzKdK

 

Hello MzKdK

You didn’t mention exactly why you get worried when he goes out. You didn’t gve details of the kind of drama that makes you anxious. It is important to know if you are actually the one with the drama or he indeed brings drama along with his nights out.

All you have mentioned is, your boyfriend likes to hang out with his friends and have a good time. Going out and having a good time is not a scripted event. Being specific about plans for the might kill the spontaneity of hanging out for him.

He doesn’t need to be in constant touch with you like he is checking in, do not forget, he is an adult and would go out and still mange himself if he didn’t have a girlfriend.

Your boyfriend is a free adult male without kids, doing things that are perfectly legal to do.

Do you want him to stop being who he is? He’s not a caged bird. He won’t be yours because you cage him. If you fear he will escape from you on these outings, then he is not really yours right now.

When he goes out, do something that takes all your attention, read a book, bake a cake or go to sleep. Think about someone other than yourself, live and let live.

What is the goal of your anxiety? Are you trying to make him feel guilty for going out and being a young man? Are you trying to trick him into not knowing that you want him to do only what you want him to do?

If your concern is how you want him only if he will stay at home, marry you, have kids and do what you want, you are guaranteeing that he will be unhappy or you will be unhappy. This is a fact

Efe

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Hello Efe,

I’ve dated an older guy for several months during my NYSC, of which we have gotten to know each other pretty deeply. We see almost every day together, doing loads of stuff together. We also have pretty intense and intimate sex. We have enjoyed each other’s company a lot.

Recently we decided it doesn’t make sense to continue because in a few months, we will both be going back to our original state. He is Muslim and says his family will not allow him marry a Christian girl. When we made this choice, it seems like he was easily able to just move on, with no care about things. Why is it so easy for guys to detach and move on so quickly?

Munsia

 

Hello Munsia,

This is easily one of the easiest misconceptions about men. That we disconnect and move on from relationships really easily. It’s a misconception that has been encouraged by men as far back as I can remember. Why ? Because we generally don’t want to be seen as weak. We don’t want to be seen as the ones left holding the empty shell of a relationship

I would say quite the opposite, if he was committed in a relationship in which he enjoyed and loved your company, it will take him a long time to get over it.

The difference between guys and girls after they break up is that guys suppress their emotions and generally refuse to talk to other people about it. As a result, he will take much longer to move on because all of his emotions are bottled up inside.

What do guys generally do after a long term relationship breaks down? While the lady is emotional, cries herself to sleep , draws strength from her family and friends and gets better and ready to date again, guys often go on what I call a ‘self-destruct phase’.

He will binge drink while pretending he is not missing the intimacy with his ex and then he will start hitting on random ladies for sex. Often doing things he really doesn’t enjoy and the worst part is, he doesn’t want to be seen as weak. He wants to win the break up war. So he bottles up all his emotions and goes on a rampage fuelled by alcohol and sex.

I believe it takes a guy more time to get over an ex than it takes for a lady to get over her ex.

Alternatively, maybe he moved on so quickly because he never loved you in the first place.

Efe

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