Hello Efe

I am in a funny situation with this girl who already has a boyfriend. We have been flirting heavily on chat. I have never met because she always cancels at the last minute. Like we talk about doing all kinds of stuffs when we hook up. She sends me her nudes, talks a lot about us having sex but always runs away at the last minute.

I don’t have a girlfriend and this is driving me crazy. Why is she doing this to me?

How do I handle the situation?



Hello Tito,

Basically, she is teasing you with no immediate plans of doing the things you guys chat about. Keep in mind that she is a girl does not automatically mean she wants to sleep with you because you guys talk dirty to each other. No more than if you were doing the same thing to her.

You know she has a boyfriend, that is, she has not broken up with him or otherwise actually made herself available for a real relationship with you. If she has not already had an open discussion with you as to her true intentions, thoughts, and feelings already, then you can be certain that this is a game, and you are being played. What you do not know is how many other guys she might be doing this. Some girls like the idea of being desired, it gives an immerse feeling of power.

There is nothing to handle here, sex has not been explicitly promised so this is just a game for now, if you don’t like the current rules, blow the whistle and leave the field.



Hello Efe,

I have been dating this girl in my school for almost one year now but she says she is not ready for sex.

We make out a lot and she normally sets boundaries that I usually respect but the last time I got so turned on I went beyond her boundaries and tried to use my fingers.

Now she is upset with me and has not answered my calls in almost a week. What do I do?


Hello UJ,

What you need to do is understand consent and respect boundaries. When you do that, your partner will trust you more. When she trusts you more, she might become more comfortable and feel safer to go further with you. When there is complete trust, the sex is magical.

Sex is personal and intimate thing especially for women and a tense moment with new somebody new. Sadly, a lot of guys do not understand the idea of consent.

Consent is asking if you can ‘make this move’ or ‘that move’, consent is being sensitive to her hesitation; consent is ‘no pressure’.

If you want to have a great sexual life, you need to learn how to communicate with your partner. Not only will you maintain her consent then you’ll also discover what turns her on and what does not.

Really. Treat sex with some one new as if you’re learning something new and have a memory. Keep asking, communicating and learning.



Hello Efe, I am 33, been dating my boyfriend for more than 3 years. He is smart, hardworking and supportive. I admire him, but I haven’t been in love with him for quite some time now. Our relationship has not been easy.

We used to fight often, and it was horrible. We both have strong personalities and very stubborn to talk without saying things to hurt each other.

I don’t feel the desire to make love with him. I still sleep with him when he wants but it isn’t something I care much about. As a result, he feels rejected and sad.

Despite our problems, we are planning to get married.



Hello Chika,

A lot of couples are together because they were near each other long enough to develop a familiarity, some dependence and an entanglement.

When we’re in need, just about anyone will do. If you look back, you will see that your fights were at a level that should have warned you guys about seeking future together. In retrospect, you can see you lost your sexual desire for him as things deteriorated.

The reality is, nothing you guys do sexually will be right, because you don’t desire him anymore, though at some point you convinced yourselves that you did.

But you feel what you feel and your determination to build a future together isn’t enough. You need love and attraction to get to the next level.




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