Hello Efe,

I dated a married man for about a year. At first I thought our love made us the exception to the rule.

Eventually I learned there is no right way to do the wrong thing. I ended things and want to move on.

Although I do not know his wife personally, I know who she is and she knows who I am. She knew about the affair because we all attend the same church. Actually met him in church.

I broke up with him more than a month ago and the more I think about it, the more I feel guilty about how the affair with her husband must have affected her. I am considering writing a letter of apology to the her—something short and to the point saying I am truly sorry for interfering in her marriage, and I apologize for the harm I caused. It would not convey any information she doesn’t already know, just an apology for the affair she knows we had.

Do you think this is a good idea? I have never heard of anyone doing this before. On one hand, she might appreciate an honest acknowledgement of my/our wrongdoing. On the other hand, the apology might reopen old wounds.

Please advice

Mary

 

Hello Mary,

If you write her a letter, the wife will have proof, your confession, in her hand.

That proof could end up on social media where your family and friends will see it.

Even if his wife destroys it as soon as she receives it, the note will be a sword hanging over your head forever. Then again, she might just send it to your fiancé’s family on the eve of your wedding.

Wouldn’t she see your apology as self-serving? Wouldn’t she think, this woman is trying to clear her conscience? Wouldn’t she think, this does not undo what she has done to me?

His wife may also think, this note was meant to hurt her. She could take it as another assault on herself. The final cut.

The real issue is your deeper motivation. Is there something between you and this man that makes you want to write? The relationship didn’t go where you wanted it to go, or you were no longer getting what you wanted. Is it a final attempt to hurt him?

Or are you grappling with why you did something you knew was wrong?

That’s a lesson you have to learn for yourself. You won’t learn that lesson by telling the wife or by kicking him around. If you knew it was wrong and did it anyway, what was your why? And that’s what you need to address.

Your ‘why’ will help you answer a lot of questions. These will help you come to terms with the fact that you took something that was not yours and that the man used you selfishly

His wife is the innocent party and the innocent seldom get the answers they need, even if they do, they may be incapable of understanding it. A person who does not cheat will never understand why another person would cheat.

Your proposed letter is like a landmine after a war. It may or may not explode. It may or may not kill someone.

Don’t send it.

Instead, do more soul-searching. Ask yourself why you cheated with him in the first place.

Efe

*****************************************

Hello Efe,

I cheated on my boyfriend, it only happened once. I felt guilty so I confessed to him. He did not say anything, he just hugged me good bye and left my house. That was 2 weeks ago and I have not heard from him since then. I tried calling but he won’t pick up, he reads my messages but does not respond.

What does this mean? Has he broken up with me?

Ronke

 

Hello Ronke,

Cheating on your boyfriend speaks volumes about:

– what you think of him

– what you think of yourself

– the value you placed on the relationship

You cheating was really just the indicator that you shouldn’t be together. It could just as well been any number of other indicators not involving infidelity (fighting, being quarrelsome lack of communication, no physical connection, etc). In your case it manifested itself in cheating.

By hugging you good bye, he did what a lot of people find almost impossible to do. He took the high road.

No need to fight, yell, scream, or get angry.

In doing so he:

  1. preserved his dignity
  2. sent a clear message that you’re through as a couple
  3. gave you the space to pursue what you’re looking for

Also, this could just as well have played out in the other direction and I’m not placing any gender bias on any of this.

Move on. Find your happiness and if you feel that you made a mistake with the cheating, chalk it up as a life lesson and try to learn from it.

By walking away without drama says he is emotionally mature, knows how to handle himself, respects women. He did not get angry at you like he owned you, he simply moved on.

Sounds like you cheated on someone who would have been a real catch.

Right now you are worried because he did not reacted the way you expected him to.

Anger is an emotion, it can influence us to physically attack, say hurtful things, etc but apathy is a lack of emotion. Under the circumstances you have described, I dare say all he felt was apathy.

Nothing you say or do can get to him.

Efe

*****************************************

Hi,

Let’s have a safe and private conversation.

Send an email to saturdayconvos[at]thenakedconvos[dot]com

All emails are confidential. We will only publish letters you have given me permission to.

Efe

Responses

  1. Arthur Bizkit
    I think this TNC section needs to be hyped more.
    Like Damn! these are all hard seeking truths, summed up in digestible prescription pills. Hope it leads to their catharsis.
    2+

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