Dear Next Boyfriend…..

Opinion

Let’s be clear I’m not looking to marry you. The  reason I am with you is because YOU HAVE A BEARD I obviously liked you enough to come out of my dating hiatus, so please don’t make me regret it. Being your girlfriend doesn’t mean you should slack. It’s not time for you to rest because…

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Let’s be clear I’m not looking to marry you. The  reason I am with you is because YOU HAVE A BEARD I obviously liked you enough to come out of my dating hiatus, so please don’t make me regret it.

Being your girlfriend doesn’t mean you should slack. It’s not time for you to rest because you’ve got me on your arm. You are required to bring your A-game every damn day, okay?! Accept that I’m going to screw up (unintentionally) because I’m not perfect and we’ll be fine. Don’t attempt to give me silent treatment or attitude. You can’t win, so just gather your balls, tell me whatever it is and we’ll work through it… Or not.

I’m not always going to want to call you or see you; I need time to miss you. If I say I don’t want to talk about something, don’t bug me. When I’m ready, I’ll tell you or not. If I’m not enough for you, let me know. Don’t go hooking up with other girls.

Don’t treat me like I’m irrelevant because I am not. Keep in mind that I have the ability to break you too. Don’t ever ask me to pick between you and my friends, okay? The moment you utter it, I’m gone. Don’t go through my IMs, call logs and mails. They are mine. Mind your business. Whatever you are looking for on my phone, you’ll probably find it so save yourself the high blood pressure.

I really don’t mind if you don’t drink alcohol, however it’s no fun drinking alone. Accept that I’m going to TRY and turn you into an alcoholic so we can have drunken sex every Wednesday and Thursday. If you smoke cigarettes, you have my heart. The sight of a man exhaling smoke turns me on in ways you cannot begin to imagine and the taste of tobacco and mint while kissing is divine!

Dating me means you will hear Beyoncé’s name more than you hear yours and you’re just going to have to be okay with that. I might just fall in love with you if you stan for her half as much as I do. Also, I’m going to want to drive your car. You can’t always drive me, deal with it.

When I tell you that you’ve got me, believe me. I don’t need to spend my days convincing you; my actions would speak it all. Know now that my love for Ribena, shoes and nail polish knows no bounds. Don’t ever question it; you can never understand. I love to eat good food, cooked by you, myself or take out. Take note: when we go out and the bill comes, sometimes I will offer to pay or we’ll split it, so be okay with that.

You need to fully understand the concept of PMS. If not, I hope you are a fast learner. Drop whatever shy tendencies you may have because I’m all for PDA. I really don’t care about your past or body count. I feel like it’s important that I put this out there. Don’t be worrying about my tweets, I’m not subbing you. I’m  too grown for that. If anything is wrong, I’ll tell you straight. I don’t have an issue with you going out without me especially to strip clubs, as long as it doesn’t harm what we have, so never feel guilty. Whenever we go out and there is dancing involved, you’re all mine!

Hi, my name is S and you will need to make an effort to look nice because I like to dress up and look pretty. Not every time jeans and sweatpants. Many of your shirts are probably going to end up in my wardrobe so better be ready to stock up. I’m a noise maker with a hysterical laugh, a borderline alcoholic and a cuddle hog who tends to scratch and scream during sexy time so if you’re looking for calm and sane days with a girlfriend, you’ve come to the wrong place.

I’m the kind of girl who can make heinous Lagos traffic disappear for you if I really like you so don’t you fucking dare take me for granted. Please lets be civil and behave. I’m not mushy a lot so when it comes, treasure it. I’m more than ready to make it work if you are.

Yours Affectionately,

S.

Responses

  1. Cavey
    Dear S, I wish you could see the smile plastered on my face as I read this. I wish you the very best.

    PS: Dear S’ next boyfriend, if you’re reading this, know that if this doesn’t work, I’d blame you. IDC what she said/did, it’s still gonna be your fault in my eyes and I would find you and try to hurt you. I’d fail because “lover, not fighter” but I’d try all the same because you’re getting a gem.

    Posted from TNC Mobile

      1. plum
        My darling S! take kiss… can i just print this and hand it over to him in due time? i promise ill always give you credit for it. keep it up

        This not-self inflicted sabbatical leave x2 of mine has left serious emotional droughts i seldom feel anything anymore. i miss the feeling of knowing someone has my mumu button.

  2. Od
    We so wouldn’t work together. Lol.

    There’s good stuff but I don’t always believe things that are too good to be true. Like when a woman says, “no silent treatment”. If she doesn’t yell, she probably won’t talk at all. And then I’ll have to shut up and wait till she decides to talk and then I’M the one guilty of giving silent treatment.

    Anyway,

    I’ll be looking to marry you.

    We won’t be having sex.

    If we do get married and sexy time shows up, I’m so tying up your hands or wrapping your fingers in cotton or cutting your bloody nails off.

    No strip clubs.

    No drinking.

    Definitely going through your phone. Because I’ll just be bored and curious what kind of fun you’re having. Or not. 😀

    Yes wearing my shirt. I hope you’re smaller than me. Few things (like babies) cuter than Wifey in Hubby’s shirt.

    You’re leaving the Beyhive. My baby makes her own hive.

    Ribena, shoes and nail polish work but… Ribena? Seriously? Lol.

    I like jeans and sweatpants. Deal with it. I’m too fine to always want to show it.

    If you stop Lagos traffic, I’ll buy you a year’s supply of Ribena.

    1. Cavey
      Only issue I have with this is your unfair attack on Ribena. What did the purple currants ever do you???
      PS: what do I have to do to get a year’s supply? 😳
      1. Kay
        cavey, I am with you on d beef against purple currants. 1st, my best colour is purple. dear future boyfriend/husband be ready to have a house filled with purple and black. 2nd I love Ribena
      2. Od
        Purple currants?! C’mon man. That’s what we used to carry to school when we were kids ni nau. You should have graduated to zobo, at least, by now. 😀
        1. passerby
          Lol, you can’t win the war against riben! Ribena did nothing to you. Ribena is a lover and not a fighter. *in young thug’s voice * free ma nigga Ribena!!!
    2. S
      Of course we can’t work. You’re on the opposite side of about all the things I stand for.

      I believe it’s an invasion of privacy to go through your partner’s phone without their consent, don’t be that person boo.

      Looool at leaving the Beyhive, it’s a lifetime commitment.

      OD, I feel like it’s important for me to scream this, NEVER NEVER NEVER DISRESPECT RIBENA.

  3. B
    Dear S,

    You’re not the girlfriend I’m not looking for. But I think you could be the good pal I’m not yet looking for … Oh well.

    Thanks for being honest.

    B

      1. LOST
        Dear S,

        You can’t be Lost. How is that possible? You seriously can’t be Me. *thinking harder*oh, I get it now. You’re claiming my name already. *hehehehehehehe*

  4. teminiran
    omg S, I love you so much! I read this with a smile the entire time because sister friend, this is sooo me- down to the beyonce and all!!! Minus the cigs- but you get the point sha..
    1. S
      Baby Girl!!!!!!! ♡♡♡♡
      You already know!
      The cigarette thing though, Lorddd help me, not about that lung cancer life but the smell and taste gets me every time.
  5. fillz

    Dear
    Wow seriously that’s a lot of detail and very specific, nicely done. There’s nothing more attractive than a woman that can confidently spell out what she wants and who she is.
    P.S; all girls should be like this O, it’ll make things much easier for guyz.
    1. Cavey
      But the thing is, if all girls were like this, we wouldn’t appreciate them. Let’s be grateful to be privileged to know someone as unique and amazing as S 🙂
    1. Cavey
      Hey Nelo,
      You know how ‘communication’ is key in a relationship? That’s exactly what S is doing. She’s not laying down a gauntlet but rather, putting her cards on the table so potential boo knows what he’s gonna get into if he does indeed call her bluff and not fold (excuse the card puns). And about “doing the guy a favor”, I can’t answer that for S but it’s clear she knows she’s a damn good catch and that certainty/confidence is very appealing.

      Posted from TNC Mobile

  6. Olushola
    L(not)ol. I smiled through this.
    Love is really an easy thing, loving you will be totally worth it.
    I cry for the lucky mister though, I just pity his back, shoulders and chest.
    1. S
      Love is an easy thing? Ah!
      I’m pretty sure I said nothing about love in this article but okay.

      Lmaoooo! He’ll live through the scars. I have to mark my territory too you know, gotta let them bitches know that he’s off limits. Lol

  7. Stubborn Boi
    I almost like S, except of cos for the drinking part. I’ve never really understood the attraction in alcohol, damn thing is just altogether discomforting. Even worse than alcohol is Cigarettes, shit stinks to the high heavens, I can barely stay in the same room with someone who smokes though ‘igbo’ does smell better.

    Beyonce? Really?! She’s just a famous gal with her own Birch arse problems.

    I don’t get that “I don’t want to talk about it” bit. We talk about everything, no exceptions. I don’t do secrets.

    Why do people go through the phones o those with whom they are in relationships? It’s just sick. Avoid I unless there are major problems and even then, you will always see what you are looking for. So, your ims et al are safe.

    The thing about friends goes both ways, right?! And yeah, I’m looking forward to Wednesdays and Thursdays, don’t worry, I’m built all crazy, don’t need to incentives.

    You don’t want to be taken for granted but you want to reserve the right to go incommunicado for periods? Haba!

    We are pitch perfect on the others though, so maybe we can hang-out afterall.

    1. S
      First, I’ve got to say DON’T DISRESPECT THE NAME THAT IS BEYONCE!

      Igbo smells better that cigarette? Really? Oh well, if you say so.

      As much as you want to ‘share’ stuff with people you care about, we all have stuff we don’t talk about or that we’d rather not and it’s important to respect someone’s wish to stay silent. It’s not really about your desire to not have secrets.

      Of course the thing about friends goes both ways.

      No, we can’t hang out if you don’t appreciate nor recognize the force of nature that is Beyoncé.

  8. EMPIRE
    who’s gonna write a post abt his DEAR NEXT GIRLFRIEND…..

    *just wondering*

    @Cavey….u wanna give it a try?

    Nd Miss My name is S…….where have u been all my life?

    1. Cavey
      Ha! I just knew someone was gonna say something like this!
      I could give it a go…but you know it’s not gonna be as good as this right? My ‘fruity nature’ is not as appealing as S’ ‘After Bey, I’m the best gift this world has seen’ confidence.
  9. Tex
    Its funny how we all complain about how difficult it is to understand women. S just laid it all out and now she’s dictating the terms? Lol! S this is a wonderful write up. I love that level of communication. Both parties should know what they are getting and what to expect. I believe it will prevent lots of drama.
  10. MIA
    I will date you and we can talk of King Bey all day everyday too bad its a letter to just your next boyfriend and not girlfriend.
    1. S
      Mia, your comment has sparked my attention.
      Just because I said ‘boyfriend’ doesn’t necessarily mean I’m not open to a same-sex relationship you know 🙂 because you had me at King Bey
  11. Iyanu
    Pls take it easy on the cigar tho and the alcohol purely for health reasons…. I’m an advocate for YOLO,but you don’t want to spend your short or long life in pain. Meanwhile I’ve been curious recently bout people who smoke weed. What’s it like to be their friend??😟
  12. Tee boy
    That was fucking straightforward.
    That was fucking plain and so down to earth…….Yep! it hit earth with a loud THUD!
    If i had met a lady who gave it to me from the heart straight up like that…then we would so roll.
    you never mentioned anything about being an adrenaline junkie..but if you are into Motorbikes, jet skis, boats, and all the other hair raising stuff regular peeps will most likely not want to do, then it is perfecto.
  13. K mama
    I just have to say this. Od is a special guy. Shalla to you G . Famz much lol.

    Anyway I agree with some points and I don’t really agree with some others. I hate silent treatment, not really a beyonce fan and i will deffs wear boo’s clothes . I’m not a fan of strip clubs, I won’t have sex until my wedding night and I don’t have a problem with boo going through my phone. Oh and I find it attractive when guys wear sweatpants.

  14. Nikki

    I’d like to make a journal like this but… Let’s face it, we’re gonna have to make concessions for our men. About the strip club thing… I guess it’s ok since you’re not marrying him…
  15. A
    Sigh. I need a side chick. I don’t wanna fall in love with you S, I just want to be exclusive till you find someone who fits the whole ten commandments you put up. Till then, I will shower you with the nicer things in life,ensure you have (very comfortable)shelter over your head, food on your table, and loubs in your wardrobe. I could set you up going with your own business, and when the going gets tough for you, I’ll support you with good advice and financial backing to see it prosper. Only catch, I’m married, and Muslim. Seeing as everyone is spelling out what they want, thought I’d come out too with my own.
  16. Jayy
    S!

    something tells me dating you won’t be this straight forward…but there’s something to be said for the fun of discovery.
    I’d totally ink this deal.

    take it off TNC?

    luv.

    your boo in waiting!

    Jay

  17. T
    Hehehe! So S, u’ve a lot of interesting offers on here and from ppl who wd prolly be dead wrong if dey had to describe you lol. D article is now an advert! Wen u pick 1, sha invite me to ur ‘boyfriend-party’ lemme come and eat jollof rice.
  18. Budsmurf
    Inasmuch as this write up is down right straight forward and I have an acute craving for honesty, my years of dealing with humans from planet earth has thought me that this is just a picture – it’s always finer than what it depicts. I can have you as one of those very few good friends (for being straight forward and honest), I don’t care much what food or drinks rock your world (although, I must be sincere, having you to share my pint would be special). But I’m definitely not gonna go in a relationship with you. I ain’t gonna work non.
  19. Dr tee

    Hahahahahaha so in love with you , #no homo…. I would just have some alterations coke for Ribena.. . Strike off cigarettes…… And I definitely key into a dude who dresses well……… I’m still laughing, and sharing this link with friends…
  20. passerby
    Lol… I’ve been dropping comments “upandan” today, was gonna stop but I couldn’t help myself. I’ll just make some self suiting adjustments tho… firstly,replace Beyonce with J.cole .Alcohol, not so much, unless of course it’s American honey, then sign me up! And the taste of tobacco…. yes please! But for some reason I don’t like the smell…and I do think “igbo” smells better… lol. Finally ,replace drunk sex with stoned sex and we are meeting our respective extended families….. oh and hollandia over Ribena!!! ( I’m sorry )
  21. G
    Dear S,
    I needed a gf like you 5 years ago. Now “I need a girl I can chill with, …build with and …hold tight”. No drama & unnecessary rules.
    G

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