Dear Nigerian Women: Not All Men Cheat – Please Believe It.

Dear Nigerian Women,

I so badly want to stick to the norm. I want to tell you just how you keep helping us on along the path of cheating by continuously investing in assumptions and conclusions. I want so badly to blame you for pushing us into the arms of other women because well, you probably already assume we will end up there anyways.

But you see, I noticed we’ve been doing a lot of telling and not enough talking. And so, today, I have chosen to be myself and not the man the world expects me to be. I have decided to do that which many men struggle with. Today, I am here to honestly pour out my heart to you. Yes, you read that right. It is no joke and certainly not a gimmick. After long, hard and honest conversations with myself, I have decided this is probably all that is left for me to do to try to get this message across. This expression thing is new to me so please bear with me if I struggle a bit before settling into it.

The world has gone sex crazy. Sex is all around us and easier to access now more than anytime in the history of mankind. As if this is not bad enough, I wake up every morning with a stiff reminder of this fact. Before I make it out of the house and head to work, I will also receive several reminders – possibly from the tonne of nude pictures retweeted onto my Twitter timeline, that old fling on BBM trying to get my attention or even that not-so-innocent poke from your so-called friend on Facebook.

I finally make it to work after ignoring the many women dressed in all sorts of eye-popping, attention-grabbing outfits on my way and who walks into the elevator with me on the ride up to my floor? Anita. No, not Anita the office bicycle. Sweet and friendly Ani. You see, Ani is not the average blonde eye-candy with the ‘I’m-all-yours-if-only-you-ask’ label permanently stuck to her forehead. In fact, in many ways, Ani is just like you even though I’ll say you are more beautiful.

She’s often well-covered, has her natural nails on a lot and shuttles between weaves and braids. But you know what, Ani knows how to switch things up every now and then and on top of that, she knows just what to do to get a man’s attention. Today was one of those switched up days. Well-shaped curves-hugging Zara pants, linen shirt with the first two buttons casually undone, nude makeup that made her dark skin glow even in the dimly lit elevator and what was the first thing she said to me?

Hey, such a pity your team lost this weekend. That last goal was definitely offside.

Second Floor.

Have you been following this ministerial list madness on Twitter?

Fourth Floor.

Damn, this Kim K girl sha, check out this hot pic she just posted on Instagram.

Sixth Floor.

DING! DING!! DING!!!

Oh thank you Lord for getting me out of the lion’s den in one piece. I get to my desk, try to sit and start my day when my desk phone rings. Guess who? Mrs. William’s secretary calling to let me know that my boss, Mrs. Williams, would like to meet with me.

In her office.

At 9pm.

I know you’re already itching to do that thing you always do but please bear with me. Conclusion is not a holiday spot you should dream of flying to regularly. I started by saying the ‘world’ is sex crazy so I know you also experience a version of what I just described but forget all you see on TV and even what the pastor tells us. Because as a man I’m expected to be the head doesn’t exactly mean I’m the strongest member of this team. When it comes to this thing called sex, I might as well be a kid locked up in a candy store.

If you haven’t already made it to conclusion-ville, then the obvious question here is “can’t I try harder to exercise control?” – after all, you do it. Right? Awesome. I’m glad we are finally at this point.

Remember that other day I got back late from work after inviting you over for the weekend? Remember how I told you it was a meeting with my boss that kept me at work? Remember how I tried to initiate sex in bed later? Remember your response?

Please leave me. Your boss can help you out with that.

How about that day, on your way out to the salon when you asked what I think you should do with your hair. My response was quick and simple… How about braids for a change – chunky ‘Ghana weaving’ because I know how you hate sitting for long at the salon. What did you say?

So I can come and look like one Sikiratu abi? You men are so funny. Why do you want one thing and say another.

Dearest Nigerian women, assumption is not a meal you should make 3 times a day.

You came back from the salon in the evening to meet me on the couch sulking after watching my team lose to our bitter rivals. You asked how you looked and even though I felt you looked almost the exact same way you did before you left – to you there might be a lot of difference between straight and curved weaves, but to me, all na weave – I managed a quiet “You look nice“.

That must have sent you flying off to conclusion-ville because despite me trying to tell you how the referee made a mistake and made my team lose, I still got a cold “no” in bed that night but not before I tweeted this.

Arrghhh this game just ruined my weekend.

And I got this retweet:

From: @Anitaa19: Sigh. Pele. RT Arrghhh this game just ruined my weekend.

Again, I know what you’re thinking but sorry to disappoint you. I have not, I do not plan to and I will not cheat on you with Anita. Not because my lower brain isn’t telling me to but she has her good sides and so do you and if there’s one thing time and life have taught me, it’s that we can’t always have it all and so do not assume I’m asking you to be Anita.

I know we all say it a lot in passing but the thing about men being very visual beings is that we need to be constantly engaged to keep our attention – by constantly, I mean CONSTANTLY. When you say men want a saint on the streets and a freak in the bed, well you may be right except that I don’t even want that all the time. Saint today, freak tomorrow… Not because I’m greedy and I want it all but if my visual appetite is satisfied outside as well as inside my home (aka constantly), I won’t feel that void that ends up getting most of us in trouble.

Being visual also does not mean I’m only attracted to things I see. I don’t see your thoughts but I see the look of disappointment on your face every time I bring up football, I watch as you switch off when I try to involve you in my work and even my hustle. But then I also see how your face brightens up when we discuss E! and literature.

Anita is not going away anytime soon. Neither is Mrs. Williams or my Twitter timeline, Instagram, Facebook or Snapchat. In the past I have fallen easily and found ways to put the blame on you but today I want us to try this another way. I know what I’m asking is a whole lot of work. While staying occupied with this attention-seeking visual brain of mind, I often forget to appreciate the effort you put into trying to understand and help me and I’m sorry about that. Now that you understand a little better how my mind works, perhaps we can work better together as a team. You help me in areas I’m weak and I will do the same. And what better way is there for us to start if not for you to wipe away all assumptions and start over by believing not all men cheat.

Humbly yours,

Toolsman

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thetoolsman

Unrepentant media addict.
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Comments
  • Avatar

    FIRST

    October 16, 2015
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    I actually agree. Not all men cheat. But be careful not to vouch for a man. You just might be shocked. And enough with this women push you to cheat buhaha. If you want to cheat, you cheat. So don’t blame it on the woman.

    Read today’s Feature Friday story HE LOCKED ME OUT BUT WANTS TO MARRY ME. HELP! http://alocovivavoce.com/2015/10/16/my-husband-locked-my-son-i-out-of-the-house-help/

    October 16, 2015
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    Onyekus

    I just wanted an opportunity to post this picture. Nosa take shilled shapman for ya speed

    October 16, 2015
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      Hahahaha.. Forgot this… Talk about a perfect meme…

      October 16, 2015
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    pearl

    Best from this series, toolsman just won my respect.I hope we (NW) learn from this “not all men cheat”. Big ups!

    October 16, 2015
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      Oh wow.. Thank you and please spread the word…

      October 16, 2015
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    plenty “jumping to conclusion” for today

    October 16, 2015
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    Adayda

    Oooh Toolsman… *starry eyes, drools a bit then remembers

    Abeg where is my dose of Fafunwa for the week? *me trying hard not to jump to conclusion

    October 16, 2015
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      Err… Remembers what?
      Regular columns are on break this week, Fafunwa will be back next week.

      October 16, 2015
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    Tobi

    Yeah. They should stop ‘running’ their mouths and ‘jumping’ into conclusions. That’s the only ‘exercise’ most of our women do.

    October 16, 2015
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    How some women manage to jump to conclusions, i’ll ne’er be able to understand; and the all men cheat has always rubbed me the wrong way. So you’re telling me you don’t trust me, that you expect me to hurt you, but you’ll date me all the same? That’s bad judgement on your part. If you cannot trust me to keep to my word about not cheating, there is no hope for us.

    October 16, 2015
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    I like how toolsman listed all the various temptations and openings available just from his bed to his desk at the office.
    Truth is we really ave no idea how easy it is for people to cheat, men and women alike, the opportunities are eternally limitless.

    But for someone like me who can stomach a lot of things, I find cheating in a relationship the one thing I don’t ever see my self doing. Even under the pain of death, I can’t and won’t ever cheat.
    If you are going to sleep around why be in a relationship to begin with?

    October 16, 2015
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      VFFM

      Okay, saw a reason to comment finally

      “If you are going to sleep around why be in a relationship to begin with?”

      This is why I am not in a relationship right now against the common perception that “I love myself too much and don’t want to share myself with anyone”

      Personally, I believe “not cheating” is dependent on achieving a certain level of maturity and finding a girl you are willing to “stop looking around” for, and even though I occasionally find the latter, I am not sure I have achieved the former.

      I still enjoy the spice of life that means as a single guy, I don’t have to think about how much I am hurting my girlfriend when my boss invites me to her office at 9pm or Ani shows how much she knows the things I like, etc.

      Meanwhile, I am still looking for these female bosses that invite men to their offices at 9pm. Please if you find a company like that send me an email to send my cv–> iamvffm@gmail.com.

      October 16, 2015
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    sagachristos

    Mehn!! This issue of cheating go everly get as e be. Fact is not all guys cheat but then cheating means different things to different people. For some it’s sex,for others,even flirting with another woman counts as cheating. But for me,I’ll say once you’re doing something or have done something with another babe that bae can never know about,then you’re pretty much close. And on that note,I’ll say over 90% of guys are guilty!!! I mean look all over social media,the side chic jokes and ‘when bae checks your phone’ jokes have subtlely made cheating look regular,which is because it probably is. I’m a guy and I can count on one finger the guys I know who don’t regularly cheat on their women or who have never thought about it.
    A friend confided with me recently about how 3 different ladies have been offering him the box recently on a platter of gold,some even going as far as sending him nudes even though they know he has a babe and how he was honestly trying not to cheat(didn’t mean he didn’t enjoy the convos or attention he was getting tho). I then jokingly told him to tell bae but we both knew that was never gonna happen. Why? Because most ladies being ladies wouldn’t wanna understand before flipping a switch and killing somebody. (And call me weird but I’m of the opinion that the best way to curb cheating in a relationship is to tell your partner about everything early on. A problem shared is a problem half-solved).
    And ladies please understand that we as guys go through a lot of pressure to remain faithful: our peers,the hot girls launching at us in full force, social media etc. So all I ask is that y’all give us a reason to be able to confide in you during such times. And being too nosy and jealous is one of the definite ways such WILL NOT happen. And truth is, some of us may eventually cave in once but it doesn’t mean we don’t love you or never did. The problem is now when it becomes a serial act,then pls dump such a guy like diarrhoeal shit cos he’ll never change. I think I should stop now before I write another article here…

    October 16, 2015
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      Well said brother. Not very sure that sharing is always the best solution to prevent cheating, I think it varies with people and situations but I get what you mean. Women need to leave that door open in case some men decide to go through it.

      October 16, 2015
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        sagachristos

        Yeah you’re right. Sharing may not always be the best option but I think it just kinda creates an air of trust from bae. My guy knows his babe has issues so he knew telling her would be equal to suicide. But that’s where the ladies need to chill and stop diving into conclusions like you rightly said

        October 16, 2015
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        Anon

        I don’t know sha, but sharing works for me. Or I think so. If you share, I will make yourself the personal screener of all your female friends (I mean I would know better who is clean or not, to a large extent). However, I do not decide which friend you decide to keep or not. If at the end of the day you still end up cheating, then either my instincts failed me, or you didn’t listen or the woman was so good or you didn’t tell me about her.
        Lol, what am I even saying? We can’t be in a relationship if I don’t have some level of openness with you. So it should come naturally to you to tell me.
        I don’t know how to fight, I will jump into conclusion if and only if I do not understand your relationship with someone. Make me understand and we are good.

        October 16, 2015
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          I love this comment! Can’t stress enough how much I’d love bae to be open to us sharing these things with each other. It’s trust-building.

          I mean, personally screening (shows interest in his ‘interests’) but not deciding who he should associate with (shows you trust him to make good judgment). I really like!

          October 16, 2015
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        Omotayo

        Are all of you so attractive that you’re having to constantly swat ladies away?

        October 16, 2015
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          sagachristos

          Haha…this has nothing to do with being attractive trust me. You think it’s only the cute guys that get some? Truth is the fine boys just get suspected more often but it’s the ugly guys that do the real damage. Lol

          October 16, 2015
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        Sexual caramel

        Lol. I used to think i was my ex’s bestie . We were so open we would check out asses and junks together , he always told me how
        Many girls checked him out , showed me flirty messages from girls and we got drunk and laughed over it … Lol. I thought we were open with each other until he got some chick pregnant …. And it was one of the chicks he told me was really disturbing him at work ..
        So this sharing and openness thing doesn’t work for me anymore .

        October 17, 2015
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          sagachristos

          Aww. Sorry dear. There’s no foolproof way to curb cheating really. Best is to just hope for the best and give your partner the benefit of the doubt rather than jump to conclusions

          October 17, 2015
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      Monster

      Sharing is always the best option! Because, for someone like me honesty matters. But then again it depends on the person you are dating.

      October 16, 2015
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      Exactly, cheating means different things for people, there is emotional cheating for one. And then yes yes, if your girl is understanding, sharing is most definitely the best option, I mean think of it, it creates the bond, and at least it’s harder to fall when she knows.

      October 16, 2015
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        Some1

        ND I see you’re a regular here. mm

        October 16, 2015
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        If you were my…

        Hello Ndali 😉

        October 16, 2015
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          Sexual caramel

          Oh Gabriel, Why you gon look like a glass of dark chocolate with nuts tho……

          October 17, 2015
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      Air

      On point…sharing works perfectly for me..If he tells me…We would just find a way to sort it.. i will only jump into conclusion if I dnt understand your relationship with someone.

      October 17, 2015
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    yettie

    I have just been schooled
    …..toolsman always gets it…..

    October 16, 2015
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    debloww

    Awww man!!!

    Just here looking for loopholes so i can attack but i can’t find.
    This was just so beautiful and awww inducing

    *wipes tears*

    October 16, 2015
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      Hahahaha… Had to be Pastor Taribo. ?

      October 16, 2015
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        “So that i can attack”
        Kontinu, sister, kontinu

        October 16, 2015
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      Anonymous Aboki

      What I’m about to do is totally off..

      Pls, does anyone have an idea what Super Eagles game caused Taribo such agony?

      October 16, 2015
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      Bunmi

      Lmaooooo Debloww always looking to attack.. Hahaha Welldone Toolsman, beautiful post and YES not all men cheat. Not all men act like dogs…

      October 16, 2015
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      This loophole you people are looking for is actually at the end of the conclusion you like jumping to. Maybe try it?

      October 16, 2015
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        Debloww

        Not really a loophole because it is actually true. This is me speaking for myself sha.

        October 16, 2015
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    Sirkastiq

    LOOL…I hate this guy

    Your goal is to reduce the exercise routine of these women? Jumping to conclusions is a worthy health activity alongside missing the point and walking away from confrontation. You gotta allow ’em indulge.

    Thing is, the fitter you are, the less you need to be told about how to stay fit. The more they jump, sooner they’ll realize reality.

    Not all men cheat, but then, not all men are men, some are dogs and though dogs have loyalty, it waivers.

    I think I might be saying too much.

    Back to your exercises now ladies!

    October 16, 2015
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      Hahaha… Camman. You want us to lose our women to this Fitfam life. Nah…

      October 16, 2015
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    Meh

    Communication and introspection skills on a hundred! I’m really glad I stuck it out to keep reading this week till this came up. The first thing I thought as I was reading was that this man whoever he is, is committed to this woman. He isn’t saying he is perfect or putting his woman on a podium. He’s also, very clearly, married to her. My personal issues with men in general is the fear that no one waits to talk stuff out and just assumes the other partner knows what they are doing wrong/ right. Many, many times men have decided to spare my so called feelings by NOT talking things out (in written/ verbal form). So this piece has given me some hope. Thanks dude. Three gbosas for you ???.

    October 16, 2015
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      Glad I was able to restore hope. Y’all have to bear with us, it’s not easy to change mindsets and kill stereotypes…

      October 16, 2015
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      Anonymous Aboki

      Hey Meh,
      For next time maybe..

      October 16, 2015
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    mayO

    I for one am way too lazy too cheat.

    October 16, 2015
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    Bow to greatness!

    When you combine what Nosa and Sagachristos said, you have just about the full range of my opinion.

    Trust is important to keep a relationship from going south. The fact is, you cannot absolutely vouch for anyone, but you can choose to trust them. Trusting them helps you when you react to what they tell you (prevents you from jumping to conclusions or assuming things). If you cannot trust him/her, then why be in a relationship in the first place. A relationship without trust is dead as hell!

    My personal process is to trust someone until he/she messes up the trust and then it ceases. They have to work to get it back, if they’ll get a second chance (most likely not). But as long as we do not have any issues, I keep building my trust in you.

    Some people are actually worthy of your trust in them. Don’t ruin what what you have with them by comparing with some asshole you been with before. Everyone deserves unique treatment.

    October 16, 2015
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      Debloww

      Wait. After combining Nosa and Saga’s opinion, you still gave us four paragraphs??!!!

      We need a letter pls.

      SexyMe(yup that’s how I pronounce your name) give us letter.

      October 16, 2015
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        Loool! Debs, I’m not getting drawn into this one. No! You people will come and use me for target practice. Thank you, I’m ok in the supporting cast.

        And, SexyMe? Ok, you’re probably the only one I can endure that from. ?

        October 16, 2015
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        Maybe. But giving a second chance is not that straightforward. It depends on how badly you’ve been burned. Trust is like chinaware. Once broken it doesn’t mend well.

        I most likely won’t enter back into a relationship with broken trust because the doubts will eventually kill it. The level at which trust can be regained varies with people but again, it depends on the circumstances and how badly you’ve been burned.

        Forgiveness is the first step and I’ll agree everyone deserves forgiveness. Everyone. But trust… I don’t know.

        October 16, 2015
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    Julibravo

    Oh toolsman, Like Debloww I was also reading to find a glitch in your post so I can hit back. None.
    The points are clear… Thanks.

    October 16, 2015
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      Just look at you

      October 16, 2015
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    butterflymind

    Awww this is so beautiful. Thanks for sharing, Toolsman. It’s always nice to get a peek into the male mind once in a while– and the delivery is really good. No blame-shame game here. No reason for women to have their hackles raised. I love it! Geez I love you *kiss*

    We will try to be more visually appetizing so reduce your struggle henceforth 🙂

    As for the issue of trust, really I try. I give people the benefit of doubt because I’m full of positivity and optimism, but it hurts to no end when someone breaks that trust and makes you feel like a fool for refusing to “hope for the best but expect the worst” from a guy (or individuals in general.)
    I know that statement in quote is more like an encouragement to love by the Scouts code, but if I have to be prepared a possible time in the future when you choose to cheat, doesn’t it negate the whole idea of trusting your fidelity in the first place?

    Good post. Plenty food for thought.

    October 16, 2015
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    unclecharles

    Being tempted to cheat is involuntary. However, carrying out the cheating procedure is a choice.
    Just like with new businesses, some environments are enabling, while others are less enabling. The most we can do as men in a committed rship, is to try to flee from cheating enabling environments as quickly as possible (might be difficult but totally doable). Example, the writer should use the stairs more often, to avoid Anita by all means. Lol. Might sound silly/trivial, but could save you a week or a month or even a year of not cheating. The little things count.
    On a lighter note, next time you get the urge, quickly rush to the nearest bathroom and rub one out. If you still feel need to cheat then your issues are deeper than the skin surface. More often than ‘nut’, the urge disappears.
    The first person you think about right after you nut is the one person you should never hurt.

    October 16, 2015
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        unclecharles

        LOL. Good question. Then you may just have to do what we call an imaginary rub. ‘Think it till you jizzit’. But search well next time, there is bound to be a private place just around the corner. Unless you are in a Crusade, then i really dunno man.

        October 20, 2015
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      Seriously..

      Would you think of “Anita” or your main squeeze while rubbing it out? Cause one is shortcut cheating and the other isn’t.

      October 19, 2015
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        unclecharles

        You could think of both at the same time. That way nobody can really fault you. But whatever gets you to the finish line fastest.

        October 20, 2015
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    Chinweike

    Toolsman, I don’t know your wife, but I’m jealous, like, the way you reason, you won’t just get married to any kind of woman. I’d say she’s lucky to have you, but I’m sure you’re equally lucky.

    Don’t even have anything to add to the article so I’d just go and check out that twitter handle and see if Anita is an actual person. Also, is this availability of sex being at an all time high, restricted to certain regions? Asking for a starving friend.

    October 16, 2015
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      Julibravo

      I see you are starving, friend.

      October 16, 2015
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        Ray

        Lmaoo

        October 16, 2015
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        Operation Feed the Nation.
        Edakun, I’m starving too

        October 16, 2015
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    Aghumiele

    aww, this is quite a beautiful piece…i hope we (women) would actually try to believe it! I for one have major issues with trust and like someone said ‘i don’t trust you,i expect you to cheat but il go ahead and date you’ is a crappy way to be in a relationship, but hey! we all have our baggage right?

    @toolsman if i didn’t respect you before, this would’ve definitely scored, but since i do already…thanks for the sneak peek into the ‘labyrinth’ that is the male mind.(labyrinth because maze is just too simple! :D)

    okbye!

    oh yeah, i do not get email notifications anymore oh, epp plix!

    October 16, 2015
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    VFFM

    eRMM, I think I will just sit out commenting on this one.

    October 16, 2015
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    Omali

    Personally when it comes to my guy I want to know it all. Lay it on me. Tell me about that girl that keeps bothering u at work, that chick that sent you those photos. I am not stupid not to know it doesn’t happen. Beside if it don’t happen, he will sound questionable to me. I figure if we can be honest in these things we can talk about anything. Communication is a key. No not all men cheat, there are great amazing men out there. But be willing to open AND understanding

    October 16, 2015
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      Monster

      Took the words right out of my mouth. ❤️

      October 16, 2015
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      Anon

      but what if its all his female friends? and he likes to make himself available to all of them, and he has a history of ‘kissing some girl so she doesn’t feel like a hoe after she turned on him’? and you’re trying to get him to slow down? How does this model play out in the end?

      October 16, 2015
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    Bizzle

    Nobody is yet to say “Doesn’t apply to Yoruba demons”. Demons not men, but if you think I’ll cheat and I somehow find out. I’ll cheat in HD, record it in RED and mail you a copy at the end of the relationship. Piss Out ✌?

    October 16, 2015
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    Sparks and Tingles

    Hmmmm…this brings me to the question, when does cheating become cheating? Is the mere thought of cheating the same as cheating? Does it start when I say “hi” to the new babe? When I find myself talking to her more than my girlfriend? Or only when buttons have been undone?

    October 16, 2015
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      It becomes cheating the day you have to hide your textual conversations from your partner or have to tell your partner a different answer to the simple question “How was your day?”

      October 17, 2015
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    MsUnderstood

    So beautifully written.. I can’t even argue with this. Sometimes I jump into conclusions like I’m taking a dive into a pool..Lol!

    October 16, 2015
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      And then there was no water in the pool, but you didn’t look before jumping

      October 16, 2015
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    Jules

    Monogamy, they say is unnatural. That it is in the nature of men AND women to want more. Rather than demonizing cheating, perhaps we should accept it. People fall in love, have great physical relations, fall out of love, have not so great physical relations ***enter new object of affection. It happens. Only through great discipline and perhaps a higher cause are we able to withstand real temptation, where the allure isn’t just physical but emotion as well.

    October 16, 2015
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        Quoray

        There’s a TED talk by Esther Perel that radically changed my opinion on cheating. Her extensive research showed the urge to explore, to feel wanted and more prompted cheating. Therefore, though cheating is abhorred, it remains a constantly recurrent factor across all geographic locations.

        As someone who grew up aggressively kicking against any form of unfaithfulness, her logical conclusions helped me refrain from hasty decisions on cheating, as expressed by men and women alike. Instead, now I think like a freak, not all religious and emotional (throwing fit mode) in drawing conclusions. I want faithfulness from my partner, I promise loyalty also but then I know that together, we have to make this work.

        October 19, 2015
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          Quoray

          prompts not prompted

          October 19, 2015
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    Femme

    The maturity with which this post was written is shining thru like the sun! All I ask is for
    God to give me the grace to believe not all men cheat theory because I honestly want to.

    Thing is, boo says he does not see himself cheating, does not plan to cheat and is consciously making all effort not to cheat BUT cannot swear he will never fall for it. You see my dilema ba? Guess its good enough as no one is even certain of d future and for all we know, it may b d woman who cheats in a rship in the future.

    What am I saying? Enjoy what you have now, be happy and worry less abt what is not yet certain to be while hoping for the best. No one wants to be cheated on but life happens and honestly, it’s not the end of the world, cld just be the end of the rship.

    October 16, 2015
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      KVNX

      “Enjoy what you have now, be happy and worry less abt what is not yet certain to be while hoping for the
      best”

      Like!!!

      October 16, 2015
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    Uche

    In conclusion, I really have never been ‘cheated’ on, or I haven’t found out about any. So yes, I still live in the utopia that not all men cheat. Well, my longest relationship was 1yr6months and we weren’t up to 20. Should I discount for age and duration?

    October 16, 2015
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        Uche

        Oh. *cries in yet to cheat tears*. Well, I hope my good luck continues

        October 16, 2015
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          ayo

          looool….yet to cheat voice really

          October 28, 2015
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    This is what I was discussing with friends yesterday. Not all men cheat irrespective of what you say I choose to believe that.

    My motto: assumption kills, so I always ask even if it makes me look like a mug.

    Thank you for telling it as it is Mr Toolsman

    October 16, 2015
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    Omotayo

    Lol but the comments on this post are the ultimate temptation. See how all the women’s bodies just ‘cooleh’.

    October 16, 2015
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    isys

    Dear toolsman, thank you for this. All notes duly taken.

    @Terdoh, after yesterday i’d rather you stayed on rounds where @sirkastiq can balance out your brazen tongue…
    I came this close to killing you ‘virtually’ be thankful for the suckitude that is glo network…

    That said NW we should be more sensitive and NM don’t take the sensitivity for granted #Balance

    October 16, 2015
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    Ray

    Ok, of all the DNW posts so far, this is the only one that really hits home with me.
    I don’t assume, I never jump into conclusions about my partner, I don’t dwell on issues, throw jealous fits or ask unnecessary questions.
    I trust my man enough to believe he’s not the type to cheat.
    However, I have this notion that all men cheat I.e all men have or will cheat on their partners at some point in their lives.
    Although, I know men who have never cheated and are determined to never do it, I still find it hard to break that notion.
    Now, this post has got me thinking maybe it’s time to change that notion.

    October 16, 2015
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    Serical

    Toolsman, thank you for this lovely post
    I tend to get suspicious easily so I would try and have more faith in my relationships
    or at least not assume that every man is cheating on me.

    October 16, 2015
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    Nelo

    The moment you start looking at those nude pictures, you are on the cheating land. It starts with the mind. Kudos to the 5% that stay true. Toolsman inclusive.

    October 16, 2015
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      What if me and bae (when I finally get one) look at the noods together?

      October 16, 2015
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      sagachristos

      Lol but how will I know they’re nudes before looking?

      October 16, 2015
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    Olushola

    Right from childhood, I’ve never seen the need to confirm or refute an assumption even when i got punished and/or flogged for it, you can simply ask. When you choose to conclude (in doubt), I will always allow your doubt to kill you. Its not been different so far. When insecurity far as reaching as the sky makes her break world records, I simply cheer from the stands and toast to her feat. One thing I’ve learnt is to never stop her from making the jump; the least i can do is make sure she has a great cushions when landing, Trying to argue only drives home her point.
    I don’t trust and i consequently don’t expect the favour, COMMUNICATING is not much a virtue that’s hard to achieve but you cant probably think everything a guy say is a lie. How contradictory it is when you think all men lie and still dump “trust” on us. It’s funny when ladies “blackmail” us with “trust”, they be like “i trust you, I know you came home directly from work” thinking we didn’t notice the “who else did you go to see” undertone.
    Talking about trust (the overrated sontin), if you can lower your expectation and allow people be who they are while keeping yourself intact, I strongly believe we would stop having trust issues. Not saying you shouldn’t trust (if it works for you), just don’t be all out trusting everybody. It’s safe to have doubts. Allow people be who they are, be your self, uphold your standards and don’t look for what you did not bury unless you have to. Allow people make or mar themselves.There will always be the likelihood of jumping into conclusion when you trust people without their consent…just my own advice though.
    In fairness to women however (assuming I’ve got some closure on this issue), hasty generalization seems to be their safe mental preparedness, their present haven in time of self-affliction. I think they jump to conclusions to pre-cushion the eventual shock or grief that follows the eventual reality of a cheating spouse. It probably makes sense in their world hurting over a matter you fear could (or not) happen. They want to feel safe in their insecurity; indirectly soliciting pity from the spouse. Apparently it feels better to anticipate the injury before the plunge.
    That said, some just can’t help it.

    Nice piece Tools.

    October 16, 2015
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      butterflymind

      “There will always be the likelihood of jumping into conclusion when you trust people without their consent…”

      That’s a new one. And you do make some valid points, especially the point about why women jump to conclusions. Getting mentally prepared for the worst often involves thinking about the worst possible scenario. Sure it’s mental torture, but when you’ve lived with that mindset for long it simply becomes normal.

      October 16, 2015
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      Olushola

      I couldn’t find the right expression there. What I meant is you don’t just give your trust because it’s ‘expected’. Make them earn it, then you can trust. Trust consequently reduces the probability of ‘plunging’ to conclusion.

      October 16, 2015
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    Priscilla Joy

    Lol, I would have loved not to be in the “all the women’s bodies just ‘cooleh’” group, but really there’s nothing to analyse or argue about here, so i’ll just ‘cooleh’ and work better at not assuming too much or concluding too quickly.

    Wonderful post.

    October 16, 2015
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    Muna

    It’s about time TNC got a ‘Like’ button for its posts.
    This was every bit as honest and awesome as very good posts come.
    Well done Tula.

    October 16, 2015
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    Nelo

    Nosa, that bae (when you find him) will land you 14 years behind bars.

    October 16, 2015
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      Ray

      Lmfaooo you think men are the only ones who like to look at nudes?

      October 16, 2015
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      Her. Repeat after me “HER”. When I finally find Her.
      I didn’t know the Senate passed a bill that made looking at nudes illegal.

      October 16, 2015
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    nelo

    Got you there Nosa. Lol.
    Trust me Nigerian ladies are not in the HABIT of seeking out nudes.

    October 16, 2015
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    nelo

    Got you there, Nosa. Lol.Awright, let’s not deviate from the topic.?

    October 16, 2015
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    D.K

    My colleagues and I were talking and I said “oh, I trust bae…” They responded “even your bae has another bae”, “all men cheat”. My colleagues are married men. My point is, it’s not only women that go about with this mentality, there are a lot of men out there who try to convince us that all men cheat.
    Thanks Toolsman. I’m encouraged.

    October 16, 2015
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    Decorousmoi

    Toolsman,I love it!

    Dear Nigerian men, i know how hard it is these days with sex all over the place. I respect you for always trying to make me feel special amean i see those hotter younger girls but you chose me.

    As much as i want to stay hot and sexy for you i need to rest just be me, weave off and a big bubu. i dont want to have to compete for your attention all the time, i want to believe i have you.

    I love you just as you are, but i have to always be on my toes so you dont “look outside” its tiring. I just want to be enough for you.

    I love you so i will keep trying, wear that dress you like, pull up my hair just how you like it try to switch things up in the bedroom, learn to cook that meal you liked at that party, make sure you look clean and kept, and make sure you always want to come home.

    Im sorry i dont always talk to you, you see some times i feel silly about how i feel and i really cant put it into words. I trust you, i swear i do. Its anita i dont trust, she will misinterpret your being nice. WhY are you being nice sef?

    Its almost impossible not to love you, i fell in love with you cos of your huge heart. You were so nice and good to me, you still are.

    Im just going to stop here so it doesn’t seem like im trying to find faults in you, its never my intention. Im sorry i dont want to watch football with you (its a waste of my time) at least i wear your jerseys.

    I just need you to understand that i love you and i want to protect you, us. You chose me and sometimes i try to understand why.

    October 16, 2015
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      Omali

      “I love you just as you are, but i have to always be on my toes so you dont “look outside” its tiring. I just want to be enough for you.”

      My sentiments exactly. Will I ever be enough? I hope so. I hope guys appreciate how we do.Sometimes no matter how much u do some will stray, it a choice. The only thing that keeps a man is a man who wants to be kept.

      October 17, 2015
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      Quoray

      Niceness is not a fruit of the spirit. Being the nice guy has more cons than pro, cos nice acts can (most times) be openings for unnecessary familiarity (jump gun, jump to conclusions).

      October 19, 2015
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    reololo

    Wow wow,I’ve got church in the later hours of today and I’m here,laughing and nodding to myself, more importantly ,disturbing my roommates.
    ??? Man I’ve gotta hand it to you,nice piece..us novices and “small girls” need some direction in this craazzyy world of relationships and “nextflix and chill*. Best believe I’m hooked. Good job,I’ll be nicer,from now on. Have a nice day,don’t ignore my comment. Keezez.

    October 17, 2015
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    Air

    Lovely write up…I feel when in a relationship with someone,u should be loyal to that person and prevent yourself from anything that the other person would not like…communication is also really very important

    October 17, 2015
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    Sharon

    Hay. So many comments.

    First point. Not all men cheat.

    Second point. Don’t jump into conclusions.

    Third point. Honesty is important and necessary, depending on the type of lady you’re with. If she’s wont to pour people acid, my brother, for the other ladies safety, depopulate your social media accounts and delete all chats. I repeat, delete all chats.

    I think it all boils down to trust. And a lot of times people’s ability to trust is coloured by past experience.

    As for me, even though a lot of experience points to the contrary, I firmly believe that not all men cheat.

    As such, I don’t expect the person I’m with to cheat on me.

    Since I don’t expect him to cheat, I have no reason to hound him, check his phones or sulk on the basis of mere suspicion.

    The only time we will have a problem is when you start to hide things from me.

    If a girl comes on to you, please tell me (of course I won’t ever date a guy that revels in female attention, so we can remove that ppossibility). If she’s someone you work with, we’ll know how to manoeuvre. So that when an olofofo adugbo comes to tell me about your office romance, I know about it, so a seed of doubt won’t be sown in my heart and I don’t start to mistrust you.

    I beg you, please be honest with me.

    And I will play my part and watch matches with you and support your team, even though I still secretly support mine and cook for you and give you a foot rub and all other husband privileges.

    I know temptation is constantly knocking, but I’m sure if you talk about it, it will possibly lessen the konji generated.

    Honesty opens a lot of doors and soothes ruffled feathers.

    PS: you might wanna leave the hair styling alone, unless I really asked, which is improbable. And when I come back, just say beautiful, or look at me and look stunned. I know it’s theatrical, but it’s good for the ego. Thanks.

    October 17, 2015
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      Anonymous Aboki

      Hey Sharon..

      October 17, 2015
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      Seriously..

      Toolsman, thank you for a great piece.

      Sharon, I think your points hit the nail right on the head.

      Honesty and trust really helps. Especially with reducing konji. As does switching it up once in a while.

      If you are with someone mature, who is not ruled by his “mini me” then there is no reason to worry about him being unfaithful, especially if you guys have a great relationship.

      Sometimes I worry that it is not self esteem that makes women assume that their men will cheat. After all, if you know you have what it takes to keep your man interested, why would you worry about other women out there?

      October 19, 2015
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      ayo

      as innnnnn….the olofofo adugbo part is really annoying
      (aunty mori oko yin…xyz)

      October 28, 2015
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    The N

    I. Loved. This…. in fact, I’m going to send the link to my Gmail just so I can go back and read it when I feel the need to skydive to conclusions…. yes yes I know that not all men can be vouched for but at the same time, I believe that there is a percentage of men who can actually control themselves and keep Little Johnny in check… thank you for this….

    October 17, 2015
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    Seems you admit to ur weaknesses. Well said, men who can’t control their sexual urge are kids in a candy not like kids. Why do you have ur fling as a bbm contact anyway. I get to meet handsome men and men who have interesting and attractive personalities like other women and men do everyday. Don’t mean I (we) shld jump into bed with them ‘like’ kids would.
    I think you have so many loose ends that you need to work on.

    October 18, 2015
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      Candy store right!

      October 18, 2015
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    Zelle

    Love this!
    Cheating is a choice
    I have cheated and been cheated on so I have a liddddul experience 🙂
    Reasons why I was cheated on – not enough sex and I was hardly around
    Reasons why I have cheated – not enough sex
    Talking is so important, cant overemphasize it, if we can’t talk then what are we doing?
    Tools, this was simply beautiful x

    October 19, 2015
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    Just share MnMs and I’ll be on my way…

    October 19, 2015
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    Miss James

    Bae if you are not a Man U fan, forgerrit, whether you won Bayern Munich or not I don’t care, support your team, i’ll support mine, lol. Nice piece…

    October 21, 2015
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    Funmi

    Wow! I’m so thankful I read this! Been dealing with issues. I used to be a mighty trusting person but I was burned. Emotional cheating! It just ain’t the same. Now it’s a marriage with little ones involved so I guess I can’t just say ‘Peace, I’m out’… It was an isolated incident. From friendship to something else. Thank God I caught on before it became more than that. It’s a big strain! Don’t know how there’s ever going to be trust anymore… I guess he is an amazing guy who fell…but i have not the slightest idea how to build trust again! Sighhhh

    PS: I doff my hat for you, Toolsman

    October 26, 2015
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    KRO

    Great Article @TheToolsman. It is good to know that not all men are cheats and the fact that an article was dedicated to this shows how #pained some of you are.

    October 26, 2015
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    Dharmmie

    That you believe every woman jumps into conclusion shows that conclusion is a valley ALMOST all of us jump into. Not just women, it a human thing.

    January 3, 2016
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