Dear Nigerian Women™.
First off, and this isn’t sarcasm, I want to say thank you.
Thank you for all the wonderful things you do for us. We love how good you make us feel, how happy we get around you, and oh, how you help us deplete our already limited revenue. I don’t know what we would do without the constant, love, care, and incessant nagging. And I’ll tell you this, our lives would not be the same if y’all didn’t spice up the relationship with your multiple requests for vacations in Dubai, the latest Louboutins, and Shawarma.
So again, thank you. You do a lot to keep us together.
Now that we’ve gotten the vote of thanks out the way, I’m here today to try to change a certain mentality that has apparently become deep rooted in the heart of most Nigerian Women™.
I’ll start with a story.
Boy is a brilliant, successful lawyer. Probably lives in Lekki. I don’t know, I’m just saying…Boy is super witty on all social media timelines. Averages like 500 retweets per letter, all that jazz. Girl notices boy. Girl realises she really likes boy. Girl strategically places herself in the way for boy to hop in her DMs (don’t look at me. You know how y’all do), next thing you know, boy and girl are having lunch dates at Cactus Restaurant every Wednesday at 1pm.
Girl does her research. Boy turns out to be a single man, searching for a good woman to make his own (I know. Plot twist of life. Wait till you hear he’s a good Yorùbá man). He’s legit. Girl asks boy out (score for feminism!), Boy says yes (Girl power woo!), they kick off relationship.
Girl has been wanting that Yorùbá D™ for quite some time. It is crystal clear. “I wish he would just grab my ass under the moonlight and see where it goes from there” girl whispers to herself every night before she sleeps. Girl has dreams of getting some tongue. Girl wakes up in former-bed-now-jacuzzi.
Girl needs to get some.
But every time boy tries to get some of that righteous nani, girl says no. Girl asks boy if that’s all he thinks of? “Is that all I am to you?” girl blurts out in disgust. Boy is confused. “She was tugging at my jeans 2 seconds ago”, boy says to himself. Girl pushes boy away and continues to watch Netflix. Boy ponders the meaning of the universe.
I know so many foreign girls who will read this and go “Well that’s some ol’ bullshit. She really continued to watch Netflix??”, but trust me ladies, this is what we Nigerian men go through. These Nigerian Women™ will lead us on and start asking us childish questions like “What are you doing?” and “Why are you taking off your pants?” and “Is it in?”
Stop this nonsense.
You women act like sex with you is a privilege.
Like to your government we are supposed to pledge.
Like just to get some, we’re supposed to jump through fire and hail.
Like we’re supposed to give an arm, a leg and a head to get some tail.
Like we should beg to have your legs inna the air.
Well I have three words for you: F. O. H.
Now I’m not gonna lie and say I don’t beg for sex, because pretty much every man does. I know how many times I’ve pleaded on some “Baby please, just the shaft” tip (see what I did there? See it?) And I’m not going to lie and say we don’t appreciate it when you let us hit the booty so hard it yells out “Witness me!” like one of Immortal Joe’s minions in Mad Max.
But ladies…let’s be real.
You women love sex just as much as we do.
Sex is not something you give us. Sex is not a gift you bestow upon your faithful servant, your Queenship. Sex is not something we take from you, it’s something we share. It’s a beautiful, magical experience that we BOTH enjoy dammit. Don’t ruin the most beautiful thing God created by giving us attitude like “damn right nigga, you should be happy I’m giving you some”.
Do you know you can be replaced by fingers?
I see you taking off your hairnets and re-tying your wrappers, gearing up to fight. But we all know that:
- Fingers won’t get pregnant.
- Fingers won’t complain when you’ve been going for hours.
- Fingers won’t give you STDs.
- Fingers will literally never, ever leave you.
Vaseline so cheap these days fam.
– Martin Luther King Jr.
Matter of fact, and I say this with all the conviction in my heart, if you’re having sex with me, I’M doing YOU a favour. This dick is golden. (Yeah, I said it). You women need to stop acting like your pussy is platinum (as opposed to pink) on the inside. You need to fix up. There’s Eritrean, Sierra Leonean, shit, I’m going too far, there’s Ghanaian women with 15” waists and 45” sized asses that’s ready to bend over backwards (and forwards, yo, have you seen a Nana bend over forwards? Divine.) to do whatever we want. And a return trip costs less than a hundred grand so y’all better stop this childishness.
Dear Nigerian Women™, If you’re not ready to share this beautiful gift with us, we know a 10 who will.
Peace, love, and all that stuff.