Dear Nigerian Women: We Love How You Take Care Of Us

Dear Nigerian woman,

I’m here to say thank you.

Over and over again, you give us reason to show you our profound gratitude for the way you compliment us Naija men by simply being. We thank you for being the ying to our yang; for being the aliens from Venus eating our caramel-filled Mars bars; for being the cockroaches most of us would rather have infesting our cupboards than butterflies from anywhere else; for being the many cubes of sugar sweetening our tea… and by extension, our very lives. Your Nigerian men appreciate you for simply being the womanliness required to make our manhood strong.

You do all of this in such a variety of ways too. Everyone knows how men are typically cursed with the malady of the one-track-mind. But you goddesses are the most dexterous with the way you multitask, fulfilling different obligations, tasks and directives at the same darned time… bringing order and balance to our topsy turvy world. It’s a miracle honestly, the ways your minds work. Nothing short of a miracle.

You are some of the most ingenious creatures God has put on His green earth and we love the way you have chosen to flourish amidst the vegetation He created. You see, ehn, all those soups you make… Oh. Our. Collective. God! We know now how Esau must have felt to consider selling Jacob his birthright for a bowl of deliciousness. You can’t know something that tastes plain amazing awaits you and allow something as silly as a birthright stand in the way of such greatness. How nah?

And there’s such a wide variety of these soups served up by the women of our fatherland, it’s mind boggling. From Ofe Nsala to Efo Riro. From Edikangikong to Ila Asepo. From Banga to Gbegiri. From Bitter Leaf soup to Garden Egg stew. From Ewedu to Black soup. And those are only a few of just the soups. We haven’t even come to the many swallows, the paps, the cereals, the grains, the drinks. If we did, we’d be here all day just talking about the palette of delights you offer our palates.

Now, we know preparing meals is not solely the duty of our women, it’s just that you are so darned good at it. We know the deplorable concoctions and conditions we subject ourselves to while living as bachelors and we can’t help but appreciate the skill, talent and wealth of experience that comes to bear when a well trained Nigerian woman enters the kitchen and throws it all the way down. It’s a thing of beauty to be very honest.

And these skills go beyond cooking and feeding us. You mother us from infancy through childhood to marriage and into parenthood, helping our helplessness every step of the way. It’s so easy to take this for granted too, especially when you consider that it is becoming the norm to pay others to raise our children for us. This is, after all, the age of feminism and increasingly, women are putting career above family. Raising children is no longer the only thing a woman is good for (If we’re being honest, it never was) and every woman should have the right to decide when or whether at all she will go down that path. The beautiful thing is how when women put their heart and mind to it, they can create opportunities for each other such that now, even raising the children of others is a viable career path for one woman to pursue, allowing another woman the opportunity to pursue another without worrying about her child’s welfare.

Regardless, all our women have mothering in their genes and even when it isn’t your own kids that are being mothered, you’re constantly mothering something or someone and you do it so much more gracefully than we ever could. On behalf of men everywhere, I appreciate that.

I’d like to take a moment here and apologize on behalf of all men everywhere, Nigerian and otherwise, for the way we generally like to feel like the leaders of the pack, like we’re the ones who know it all, like you women should be subject to our every whim, caprice and device. We easily forget how mama was the boss at the very beginning while papa was only the featuring act. We forget how when we woo our women, she’s the boss. It is ultimately her decision whether the relationship/engagement/marriage happens or not. We forget that following our initial gra gra, women usually stick around in this dimension called life longer, calling the shots long after their male peers have checked out. Statistically, women live longer than men and I’d like to believe it’s specifically because of your greater bossness.

Men play boss, women are the real thing… but you’ll rarely see a man admit that.

Sure, there are a few women who are aggressive leaders. They fight their way to the top of the dog pile and take charge in whatever ramification they find themselves. Again, I’ll be the first to admit there’s nothing wrong with this. It has nothing to do with the men and has everything to do with their sense of accomplishment as individuals. I feel sad for my brethren who would, rather than up their game, turn to snitching, slandering and insubordination. Because in their small minds, women are to be led and should not lead.

Idiots.

In the Nigerian home though, more typically, the woman is the leader but only in the most coded of ways. She’ll fall back and let the man feel like he’s the one in charge, after all, he’s the bow of the ship. But she’s the rudder beneath the stern of the ship, and that’s where the real decisions are made, is it not? But hey, it’s fine, let’s all go on pretending we don’t know that Nigerian women are the real leaders… from behind.

And oh, speaking of behinds… Heuw! My Naija women, I hail o! See ehn, at the beginning, it is your bosoms that do the magic. They are the founts from which all blessings flow when we suck on them tiddays. Later on in life, your bumbums rather magically become an attraction. When they sway in high school uniforms, we can’t help but stop and stare and wonder why we’re so transfixed. Then when we discover the pumpum… The End!

Oh Naija woman. You take care of us in so many more ways than one and I’m very, very grateful for that.

Yours.

Truly all yours,

OlaToxic

***COMING SOON***

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0laToxic

Just a dude with a mean, wide creative streak made up of many, many strokes looking to express himself as diversely as possible.

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