Im going to start this post my least favourite way of starting posts – with a disclaimer. Not because I want to but I feel compelled to. Why? Judging by the number of calls I got asking me to write on this topic, I know for a fact that some of you will go to town with every single thing I say here. So here goes…

I am a blogger – bloggers often generalise. The end.

***

I spent a large part of 2013 doing a lot of research on cheaters and the ‘art’ of cheating. Why? Let’s just say you will find out soon enough. My research work was nothing academic or anything like that so I have no numbers, surveys and what not to show you, hence my disclaimer but this and the fact that I’ve been fortunate to write as a relationship blogger for several years has equipped me with quite a lot of knowledge on the topic of cheating generally and more recently, cheating while married.

I think it makes sense to begin with popular assumptions or shall we say myths, commonly associated with cheating while married – oh, sorry, one more thing I forgot to mention is that when I say cheating while married, I’m talking absolutely about women cheating with married men in this post. So, here’s the myth:

Married men mostly seek out younger, single, available women who are fun and can teach them something new (especially in bed) when looking for affairs.

I used to belong to this school of thought too until I started digging deeper into this subject. To be fair, the statement is not entirely wrong as most times married men have affairs, it’s with younger women but what we need to highlight here is that, most times, it’s not the crazy age difference like a 60 year old having an affair with a 25 year old. There’s another term for that – aristos or having a sugar daddy. Yes, I know it still amounts to cheating and once it becomes consistent we can refer to it as an affair but for the purpose of this discourse I’d like us to refer to affairs as relationships that are more beneficial to both parties, drawn out over long periods of time and involve more emotional connections.

The second part of the assumption talks to the fact that many believe married men prefer single and available women to married ones. I guess it’s almost logical to assume that having a family to look after will serve as a major hindrance to an affair. You’d have less time to spend together and even when planning to spend time together, you’d need to put some serious thought into when and how you meet up to conduct your activities.

Now, I don’t know how many of you guys love watching thrillers and crime related movies and TV shows but I do and one of the major things I’ve learnt from these shows is, the hardest crimes to solve are the seemingly obvious ones. Like when a loving father who doesn’t seem to be struggling with any form of depression or whatsoever murders his entire family and has almost all the right alibis. Where do you even start?

I often tell my friends, the best place to hide something is in the open. So if a married guy decides to have an affair, he’s probably better off having a successful one if he introduces his “prey” to his wife, brings her into the family etc. This means less sneaking around because his wife would trust her and will almost never suspect anything. Anyways, I’m not here to teach men how to cheat so that’s about it for the assumptions, now lets go into details on why you attract married or seemingly unavailable men. Please keep all the assumptions I discussed above in mind and use that to put things into context as you continue reading.

After interviewing several women who have had affairs with married men, it occurred to me that many of them seem to posses a few similar traits. Let’s take a look:

They totally loath the idea of married men approaching them. Like loathe is probably a chill word, maybe I should say they abhor it. They hate the idea so much, their immediate reaction to a married guy chatting them up is that of disgust. They just judge the guy on the spot and some go as far as trying to humiliate him publicly.

All well and good right? Not quite. Why? The question is, why is a married man coming after you in the first place? Do you really think it’s all about the sex? Why do we have Adeyemo Alakija street in VI or even Unilag if you will. It will only cost him some change and he’ll probably even get a chic who’ll give him better sex that you can imagine ever. So it’s definitely not about sex. Then what?

One thing marriage does to a man after a few years is – it erodes his self confidence. He feels less and less of a man because there’s this one person who shares his bed every night who has “seen him finish” so for him, he needs that reaffirmation. That reminder that he’s still got game. You don’t expect a man’s wife to challenge him daily right? So where does he find answers – you! By reacting to him, the way you did, you have only validated his choice. It won’t deter him at all – if anything, he’s only going to accept the challenge and dig deep into his armoury to do all he can to bring you down and in many cases, these married men succeed.

Am I asking you to comprise on your standards and not feel disgusted when married men approach you – hell no. There are many ways to kill a mosquito. Perhaps instead of judging at first sight, you could at least let him land before you bury him. That way, he feels less challenged by you – it’s sorta like a reverse friend zoning technique. Unfortunately, if you think men live for challenges, I’ve come to learn women can die for the chase. Even if they’re being chased by the wrong guys, better to be chased by the wrong guy than no one at all right? Hence the problem.

The second trait common to women who constantly get approached by married/unavailable men is that they are often independent. Now, don’t confuse independence with wealth. You could be a contract staff earning 50k a month in some dingy rundown company but when you’re independent, you are Beyonce. She will still find a way to buy her own drink and only go out when she can afford it etc. This is a major turn on for married/unavailable men because most of them are actually more financially buoyant than most, having had some time to stack up some cash. But one way or the other, they feel like they hustled for their money and they try to do what they must to keep anyone from taking it from them too easily. And that’s where an independent woman gets the nod ahead of a whiny university chic always looking to change her phone.

The final trait I’ll touch on is having that ability to keep your mouth shut. This one is tough to explain but I’ll try. Many women who have cheated with married men say they never ever imagined they would but when it happened, did they tell anyone about it? Hell no. Not their mothers, their friends or even priest because after setting such high standards for themselves, they feel like they have more to lose by sharing their secret. How many times have you found out that some chic had an affair with a married man and you just couldn’t believe it for the life of you. Like howwwww?

Again, I’m not here asking you to lower your standards but whatever you do, please don’t go around carrying it on your head. At the end of the day, we are all sinners looking up to God or whatever supreme being you believe in for mercy. If you already know that, you should know that there’s a strong likelihood that married men will approach you so why go about broadcasting your standards to the rest of the world. If and when it happens, deal with it quietly and move on.

Ok, thats all from me. Time to read your comments on all I’ve written. You know the drill, use the comment box to express you.

Responses

  1. Katniss
    Are the terms ‘married’ and ‘unavailable ‘ interchangeable? I get that married men are unavailable but there are single unavailable men too.
    Ps- I don’t completely agree with your analogy. Sometimes there’s no science to these things.
    12+
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Married and unavailable are not interchangeable but taking the context of this post and the post that inspired this into account, then maybe it’ll make more sense. After all an engaged man is still single but he’s more or less unavailable. Sometimes there’s no science to it. True.
      5+
  2. Anonymous Aboki
    Since you generalised, can’t 1 also say an independent, out-of-league, knows-when-to-keep-mum lady is attractive to any man? Married or not..

    I’m not certain. So, I’d just read again, & wait for the comments..

    3+
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Context and degree – key. Yes, alot of men will find these traits attractive but when it comes to the crux of it, how many single men have time for it. When there are loads of easier preys…
      2+
      1. Anonymous Aboki
        Ah, context & degree does bring everything into perspective..

        & these single men you’re referring to are baby boys, lol..

        2+
  3. JADE
    well, You are spot on about hiding things in the open, one of my friends dated a married guy, his wife knew her, his kids knew her and she used to buy them stuff, come around and take them out for ice cream, but she and the guy were fucking like rabbits. I never thought i would date a married guy but i am currently because the boo is out of the country for a year and i need to have sex, so i chose a married man i can cleanly break up with in a year and there will be no long explanations and my married man says he loves to be with me because i like being pampered and he loves to pamper women, his wife is too strong and independent. so you see that there isnt a cut and dried method to these things, life just happens :)
    18+
    1. S
      Jade you’ve proved time and time again to be one of my favorites.

      I love your brutal honesty. There is no need to be ashamed that you’re sleeping with a married guy.

      4+
          1. S
            OMG!!!!
            Nosa we just agreed on something.
            We should have drinks.

            A, my point is, if you make a decision to do something, you should also be confident enough to stand by it.

            6+
      1. WaleDelaw
        No need to be ashamed that she’s sleeping with a married guy. I’m inclined to agree. But the dynamics are different with . She has Le Boo, so it’s also cheating. Don’t know the arrangements she has with “the boo” though.
        0
      2. Reny
        Can’t we just like her honesty without advicing her on the preferred shame status. If i were her, i would be ashamed while i know odas who will not send and even tell me to get over myself. So to each her own. Leave the subject of shame alone and let’s just enjoy the fun of saying ehn ehnn i don read something today.
        @thetoolsman on men that hide their other boo in plain sight of wife, i am sure i will arrange tribal mark for him if i catch him and before announcing i know i will prepare diarrhoea inducing meals for both of u. Just something that symbolises what u have done.
        0
    2. A
      Why did you chose a married man? I’m sure there are single guys that don’t mind being fuck buddies. What’s the guarantee that this man will let you go when it’s time? What if his wife finds out?
      10+
      1. S
        All these things are small matters.

        Adults are pretty much allowed to screw whatever CONSENTING adult they want to if they bloody much please, it’s not evern about so called morally right or wrong.

        Yes there probably are single guys but this one married man has what she needs, simple.

        She’s not in love with the married man, chances are when her boo (who is not around) returns from his trip, she let’s tha man go and resumes quality sexy time with her own lover.

        The wife will be alright please.

        7+
        1. JADE
          Thank you S, you have said it all, if he’s wife finds out its his headache not mine, just like if my boo finds out its my headache not his, Like S said, he fills my current need so why find a young single guy that may or may not catch feelings? why complicate issues? i mean its only penis and vagina like ear and teeth so whats the bi deal???
          14+
          1. Anonymous Aboki
            Whilst it’s all very nice & dandy to have opinions, make decisions & stand by them, abeg let’s not be flippant & intolerable with them.

            For all your “arrogance”, A above might just be one of such wives y’all just summarily dismissed. I know my Ma’s one such woman..

            So, yea. Thanks for understanding.

            11+
          2. Lade
            So what makes the “bad people” bad? their DNA? you guys should continue deluding yourselves. Jade, what you’re doing is wrong and you should stop. Your partner in crime knew his wife was strong and independent but he married her anyway, why? humans! All of you forming “I don’t care who gets hurt, it’s the way of the world” I think you need help. Something is wrong with y’all! Put yourselves in the shoes of the people (especially children) that could be permanently damaged by your actions. But then again, selfish & satanic agents of destruction everywhere…. I’m tired! Anyhooo! It’s TNC…. continue expressing you!
            32+
          3. Tutu
            Seriously?!!!!
            As the world come to this level?
            Naaaaah, I dont agree with you Jade, not one bit.
            Dont mean to “shame” or any of sorts but in dealing with people, it would actually be okay to look at things from their perspective.
            How would the wife feel? Plus, this man is just as irresponsible. #NotCool
            8+
          4. Ambugus
            U almost arosed me after you… This honesty is sexy, romantic, attractive and inviting!!
            I won’t bother u, no worries!!!
            0
          5. Uggghhhh Men, Love the Single Right One
            It’s called being SELFISH/NARCISSISM. You are only thinking about self. You aren’t putting yourself in the wife’s shoes. That’s why in life we have karma. So don’t worry, when their men do the same to them and they are on the floor sobbing remember the pain you caused these wives and other women. Guys know these side chicks exist. There is something internally wrong with them, they feel validated because they can steal another woman’s man to help their insecurities hence why they don’t cheat with single dudes who are up to the same, which is just SEX. Think about the kids you are screwing over when they divorce, if only ALL women knew their POWER. As Beyoncé said “DUST TO SIDE CHICKS!”

            Based on this blog I have those characteristics and nothing is wrong with them up until you give in to him. Men uuggghhhhh…lol I’m not challenging you, just leave me alone.

            2+
          1. Tejflow
            I’ve actually learnt that when it comes to women, the world rotates for us all eventually. I’ve stopped fretting over infidelity. We all get what’s coming to us, eventually. It’s all good and sweet until we get there and it hits us, and hits us really hard.
            26+
          2. JADE
            I don’t think i am arrogant neither was i flippant, i was only being honest, your ma’s issue should be with your da and not his babe, just like i said before, if my boo finds out he will have issues with me and not with the married man. Like i also said, these things are sometimes not planned but life happens:)
            6+
          3. Nosa
            , when I get come to Lagos, I’m holding you to that drink.

            Now, nobody is dismissing anybody neither is anyone being arrogant. doing wrong doesn’t make you a bad person, Yes, what Jade is doing is very wrong, But should she be ashamed for it? I don’t think so. Being ashamed is like saying her wrongs make her less of a person and i don’t like that. As for the wife and Jade’s boo and whoever is gonna get hurt? Well, people get hurt all the time, it doesn’t stop the earth from rotating and revolving, they will get over it. If they do, fine, if they don’t, fine. it’s the way of the world.

            As long as you deal with the consequences of your actions and you own your decisions, and nobody dies in the process, it’s all good.

            16+
          4. S
            LMAOOOO!!!!

            I have to be fine, will I now die.

            See, one of the risks of being in a relationship is not knowing if your spouse will cheat, you can never be too sure, i strongly believe that you have to arm yourself for the possibility that your spouse will fuck up.

            If i’m the wife, bring her home, lets have a three-way. LOL

            4+
          5. Anonymous Aboki
            I didn’t want to reply, lest the convo got drawn out and petty. But then, I realise we are in opposing camps Jade; you & I, and can hopefully have a good debate, in the least.

            Firstly, my comment was an appeal of sorts, not an accusation. The word arrogance was in quotes ’cause I lack a better word. Summarily dismissed shouldn’t have been used in the way I did, sorry. Finally, it’s ok if you say you weren’t flippant, are you sure though? Penis & vagina like ear & teeth? Honesty’s good, its better when brandished diplomatically..

            Yo Nosa, doing wrong doesn’t make you a bad person? Even if you’re aware & proudly stand by it? What does then, pls? Meanwhile, let’s be clear, I did not attempt to shame anyone..

            While you’re forming guardian of the galaxy, lol, don’t you think your view about people getting hurt or not is rather simple, & maybe a tad selfish? No? Do the consequences of our actions ever affect only us? Really? &, is it till someone dies? Do you find all the other “levels of hurt” before death acceptable, hence, your it’s all good?

            34+
          6. Nosa
            , Nope, Not a bad person. Using the word bad is likened to condemning someone. Sure people judge and all that but I cannot allow someone be condemned, so say she is wrong but don’t call her bad.

            and i’m not forming guardian o. about hurt and levels of hurt. I don’t think it’s that simple or even complicated, it just is, and yes, i accept that it is selfish. but if you want to know my views on this. here it is, People are gonna get hurt in this life, whether you want them to or not, whether you try to help them or not. People are gonna get hurt, people are gonna find a way to get hurt, either by your actions or your inaction. That said, why should you fret over it? you can call it a bad thing, you can call it a bad thing. I don’t see it as good or bad, I just see it as it is, LIFE.
            and I don’t see death as a bad thing. I know this sounds heartless and wicked but it is what it is. LIFE. and hurt is very subjective. what can hurt one person can help another?, you get hurt because you want to, by caring.

            Death isn’t good or bad. it is just what it is. the emotions we attach to it makes our outlook subjective.

            And you want to know something, if you really think about it, every thing we do or don’t do hurts someone in someway, it’s a crazy concept but it’s true. by doing or not doing, someone gets hurt. so for us all, there exists some acceptable level and concept of hurt.

            6+
          7. Anonymous Aboki
            Lol Nosa! So, instead of “bad person”, like we have a “good person”, you’re asking we say “wrong person”? Lol. Whatever works for you man, let’s sha be practical pls..the condemnation angle does make !sense though..

            We’re agreed on the selfish part, which is cool. If I follow, you’re stating there’s always going to be hurt, & since its a K, we shouldn’t fret. Man, why this is justifiable based on your thought pattern, it is irresponsible. You’re basically advocating a helpless, siddon look mentality, & implying we are all “instruments of hurt” whether we like it or not, yes?

            This LIFE is actually made up of people who take good or bad, sorry wrong, actions and inactions. That’s how the circle starts..hurt is subjective, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. However, the same way a clear majority sees the beauty of a beauty queen, is the same way Nigeria hurts when there’s another bombing in the NE. BH’s subjective happiness be damned..there’s always a baseline with these things Sir..

            On a final note, your concept is true, I agree. However, I insist on empathy; that you spare a thought for the other man, as the day we stop, as humans, consciously caring about whether our (in)actions hurt someone else or not is the day we become animals..

            36+
        2. DEJIDOPE
          ”All these things are small matters””, ‘A married man has what she needs’????, someone else’s husband has what she needs????, “The wife will be alright”, my GOD , you are evil.
          11+
        3. Mimi
          Actually, the wife will NOT be alright. I’ve been there and I know. Being cheated on by your husband hurts like a bitch and it damages the relationship. Increasingly I see the rush to understand and absolve cheating. In fact, the trend is to normalize it with statements like ‘nobody holy pass’ or in this case, ‘two consenting adults’. Yes, the primary responsibility for not cheating is on the spouses in the marriage but if you are the 3rd party, stop and think…your actions will lead to serious hurt for the spouse being cheated on and damage the marriage. For a spouse being cheated on, it is never ‘just sex’ no matter what the cheating duo choose to call it. Put yourself in that person’s shoes and move on to someone who is not married.
          1+
        1. Slim
          Dating a married man does not guarantee a clean brake up.

          She loves to be pampered? And I love the mercedes B-Class Electric drive!

          Not judging but thinking of only self is the reason the world is upside down today.

          12+
    3. ella
      Truth is u can’t b faithful wen u finally marry boo, cos if he travels u get horny n probably allow ur gateman to dig in *tonguesout*… I Love ur honesty tho
      6+
  4. Seyi
    Tah none applies to me o. These men don’t know me before. They just call you on the road or park beside you, or the ones in my ppa now that know my name without talking to me. This ppa own I think it’s because I am the only girl with an afro (it’s not common here in Nasarawa and in the north as I have heard) and he only makeup I wear is red lipstick. They’ll see me and start smiling, ask for my state and department where I work. Asides that, while still in South West, before the lipstick and afro I’ve always been approached. One was inside a bus in Lagos, I only asked him where the final bus stop is and if it’s the same with my own destination as I don’t know how place. Finish o, he started talking and requested for my number. So until last year I was a university student, I don’t think I have the look of one that can teach them a thing or two and they don’t know me to conclude that I am not a whistle blower. My friend that looks like an S.U sef is approached
    3+
  5. Osato
    Interesting read, my sister went out with a guy once…. she didn’t realise he was married until she saw twin baby seats in the back of his car. She was immediately disgusted and didn’t even reach the restaurant with him( to buttress your point about being disgusted ). it was Christmas and his family was abroad. Although I like the idea of the reverse zoning technique, l think we should do it with caution because na from clap dance dey start.
    12+
    1. Seyi
      Abi. Reminds me of two years ago when my brother was in the hospital. I met this young guy outside with a boy of around 2 or younger while buying boiled groundnut. The second I went out to get recharge card I saw him again. Told me his wife was in the labour room giving birth to their second child. I entered an unsuspecting conversation with him about Socrates and such (he is a philosophy lecturer and I could still remember most likely my part one philosophy class then) he gave me his card, asked me to call him within the week and that we’ll go for drinks. He made it clear what the drinks entails and I was thinking ‘haba! Your wife is in the labour room and within the week? You never even do naming ceremony’. I didn’t call him sha
      4+
    2. JADE
      so why did she get in the car at all after sighting the twin baby seats? she should have just turned back and gone back into the house not waiting to almost get to the restaurant to get disgusted. That was his own way of telling her he was married because nothing stopped him from taking the seats out before coming to hers, at least he was honest and her getting into the was consenting to go on a date with a married man knowing he is married
      3+
      1. A
        I think that’s what she meant by not getting to the restaurant with him. Even if she did get into the car, she didn’t get to the date.
        4+
  6. fk
    hmmm quite enlightening(the reasons make some sense) though i was expecting more reasons not just two, so am here hoping for a part two.
    But also some of these men even chase you without knowing you well so what about those?
    2+
    1. thetoolsman
      Hard to explain but after a while, you don’t even need to speak for some guys to put you in this box. From the way you dress, I can guess you’ll fall in the group.. There’s a whole lot more to talk about.. I’ll see about a part 2.
      4+
  7. Wolverine
    U know that analogy that dogs love dog owners, like they can probably sniff your dogs off you? Girls kinda like it that u’r married, means ur responsible and stable and understanding. Not stingy. U can drop d occasional 5k, 10k, not like normal post nysc boys that are still looking for breakthrough.
    It is also nice to know that there’s this girl I can get sexy nudes from, no, not mummy Titi.
    5+
  8. Baddie
    Personally this research hits the nail right on the head, totally describes me … I thought I was giving out the wrong vibes and kept asking my friends if I had a problem. The chase is fun but will bring trouble eventually tbh.
    4+
  9. Dami
    *dodges the wild assumptions flying around in this article* This beans you cooked Tools, it’s not done o. I think you wanted to come for ‘independent’ women’s lives again this week and you had to find a way to. I don’t think there’s a formula to these things. Also, the situation of married men and emotionally unavailable men can never (never (never)) be put in the same box.
    But then, I’ve never had an affair with a married man, and I realize it may be because I just intuitively use the “reverse friend zoning technique”. I just turn them to uncle and big brother straight. Hehe. That point, and the fact that men live for the hunt and women die for the chase (touché) are the two things that make sense to me here. Next week we wanna see you cook better beans, please and thanks.
    Signed, mgmt
    7+
    1. thetoolsman
      Hi Dami.. Here’s a glass of water \_/ to push down the beans.
      And why do you think I have it in for independent women? I love y’all so much I married one. Snap out of denial mode and read again, also read the comments and you’ll see that I was actually trying to help.
      And just to clarify, I said married or unavailable men.. Not emotionally unavailable. I just had to find a bucket for unavailable but single men.
      1+
  10. someone
    wow. So apt and timely
    An old friend, now married recently reconnected with me and started saying some things to me. I’d know from mutual friends that he’s had issues with his marriage lately. Anyway, so he comes at me, saying all sorts, i was hugely irritated because i am the babe above that absolutely abhors married men coming on to me, besides, we were almost like family friends. Then he goes on to say he likes my independence, likes that im doing my own thing bla bla bla. I teased about getting a younger babe to scratch his itch and he goes younger girls will tell their friends and want to use him to show off but an older girl will be very discrete about the affair. My mouth was just open, lemme continue praying that these married men dont see me and the single available men open their eyes to me. Amen
    17+
  11. Priscilla Joy
    you’re right about the independence and being able to be discreet part. but it’s not just single women who attract married/unavailable men. I have an aunt, a pastor’s wife for that matter but she’s a real chic, she often gets propositioned for affairs by married men, married/unavailable men openly flirt with her sometimes at work, at the gas station, at the mall or even at the gym. So these things are not exclusive to single women alone, but i feel like there should be more reasons cos at a point one starts to wonder why one is a magnet for these types of men.
    3+
    1. thetoolsman
      Oh, my error. This is targeted at single women because they asked for the post but it also applies to married women as well and I think I touched on it while talking about the assumptions.
      0
  12. cheek boss
    “If and when it happens, deal with it quietly and move on.” I guess that’s exactly what I did when a married, responsible, cute man was hitting on me. I almost feel 4 it, considering his also my boss. But I had to do a hard restart on my brain and thinking. I survived..
    2+
  13. Tori
    This married men thing ehn, I just think it is a slippery slope, and once you go down that slope nothing will be a big deal anymore. And a human being without self control is a very bad thing. I will admit it can be very tempting, but it is always better to nip it in the bud. We are just “good friends”is how it starts.

    I think cheating has become so common now that there is no “reason” why a married man will approach you anymore, He approached you just because. Married men are off limits for me.

    8+
  14. Babyloxx
    Hey Toolz. Your next article should be on young guys who are into married women or single older females. I see a lot of this now. One of my ‘aburos’ actually told me “I get all the sex I want without any of the agro”. I also know for a fact that he asks her for money. This aburo made the statement in front of other guys and they were like hi-fiving him and mouthing ‘SCORE!’. One even asked “abeg, she get colleague?”. When I called them whores, they were like “no-o we’re pimps” and laughed. Yet, if it’s a female who’s into married men these same guys will look down their noses at her. While cheating is bad, I detest the double standard more. I’m not vexing o. I would just like to read an UNBIASED exposé (yeah I had to go copy n paste that (e) with the accent, lol). Toolz baba, over to you.

    PS: If you need a subject to interview, there’s this one guy that’s always hanging out at Shaunz Bar. If you go to Shaunz, you pro’lly know him.

    2+
  15. hills
    Tools,it my first time on your blog, and I totally relate with your article, right from my secondary Schl days,have always had married men ask me out,more than single guys mainly because am on the big side,I look older than my age,….I gave in at a point in time,and sincerely I never regretted, he was so mature,he wanted me to succeed, he took care of me in every aspect, we mutually agreed to break up at point in time,cos he was at the point of getting married, now since we broke up,no single guy is like that, maybe it bcos am used to how that married guy treated me.
    0
    1. Nosa
      2+
          1. anonymous aboki
            7+
  16. Zara
    I am definitely guilty as charged in reference to those that ‘totally loath the idea of married men approaching them’.Married men are a big No!No!for me.This piece has been helpful.I agree with that reverse friend zoning technique school of thought and I think we should all be humble about matters like this because we are only human and therefore fallible.
    1+
    1. Ames
      Hi my question is for you: I once made out very briefly (like 5 mins) with a married friend in a hotel room (long story). I was very digusted with myself afterwards and pushed him away. Nothing happened for the rest of the night and I ran back to school early next morning. He didn’t even care. He was in denial. Thing is we’d been friends for a long time before he married and nothing ever happened between us until he got married (weird, right). In retrospect, I think he was having issues then though he refused to talk about it. The marriage was still less than a year. Anyway, back to my question: does this my brief dalliance count as an affair?
      0
      1. thetoolsman Post author
        Hi there. I believe affairs are usually way more drawn out thank 5 minutes. I’d just put this down to a mistake, some sort of error if you will and from your comment, sounds like you’ve taken your lesson (good or bad) from it – which is what I think matters most.
        1+
  17. Nosa
    “This LIFE is actually made up of people” who do things, right or wrong, good or bad, legal or illegal. Don’t just attempt to define people as good or bad except you are defining them as a sum of all their actions, and when you do it like that, calling someone good or bad isn’t as simple as it seems.

    And on my concept of action/inaction, your picture of helplessness and sit down look is painting in extremes. While that is okay. My meaning of action/inaction is only even talking about everyday normalcy that we overlook. This is gonna sound silly but i’m being objective here; i got a job offer and accepted, the next guy who didn’t get the job will feel hurt that he didn’t (notice i didn’t plan on hurting that guy but by accepting the job, i may somehow have), i contemplated quitting my job for three months, because i felt like it would hurt the firm as they were a major player in a court case and i was a part of it. I had to quit for myself but quitting may hurt the firm. Now while i understand empathy and sympathy, what should i have done?

    Our choice helps and at the same time hurts people, it’s always a two-way street. No matter how cautious you are, it happens. So if i’m gonna consciously care, i have to care about these seemingly mundane things, because i have contemplated this and i gave up. But these “mundane things” are an acceptable level of hurt for most people.

    2+
  18. Isi
    This is totally off point in my honest opinion…. There are no guidelines to this things and narrowing it down to this is definitely a no no for me. At the end of the day it’s to each his own…
    0
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Oh but of course.. I did say there’s no science to this and as with everything in life there’s always an exception but also from the comments you will notice that the points raised in the post resonate with quite a lot of people…
      0
  19. Eky Shirley
    Now, the comments have become even more interesting than the post.
    Am relatively new to TNC comments. The piece makes sense.
    Am also a believer that we shouldn’t judge. Someone’s dating a married man/woman and they are automatically evil, yeah? How about the white lie you told at work to get off a few hours early? Live and let live.
    4+
    1. Tori
      I cannot believe you just compared a lie told to get off work early with cheating with a married man. When you get married, you take vows before God or to yourselves at least if you’re not a believer. I can’t believe I have to explain the difference. Sheesh! What is wrong with this generation?
      6+
      1. Eky Shirley
        I understand all of that.
        The point I was making is, infidelity is a sin. There are other sins. We because of our society and religion place a huge emphasis on anything sex related; whereas there are other equally as bad and even worse things going on.
        Again, I believe I’m entitled to my opinion, as are you; so again, live and let live…….
        4+
        1. Anonymous Aboki
          Hi Eky Shirley,

          Permit me to reiterate 1 of the things I said earlier. Again, whilst we all have our opinions & are entitled to them, there’s always a baseline. 1 which if anyone crosses, then that person can be tagged a bad person in the least, or be said to have committed a crime worst case scenario..opinions birthed serial rapists & killers, they also stopped the killing of twins & would hopefully end child marriage..shall we then group all these opinions & their owners together, to live & let live?

          & before society, then religion ever was, there existed & still exists a moral compass..true there are worse things, but we’re all commenting on a certain post & it’s major theme..focus..

          So, at the risk that I or anyone who holds a similar opinion be called self righteous, and using morality as a baseline, please if you’re single & dating a married person, what are you? If I lie to get of work, what am I?

          8+
  20. Ray
    This is a very interesting piece and the comments are just as funny.

    I’d say The ‘guidelines’ are true in some cases and false in some. I could argue that some of these married men actually prey on girls that would be financially dependent on them. But true to the post, I think many of these men also prefer girls who don’t have too many friends so as to keep the relationship discreet.

    And sometimes ehn, these ‘guidelines’ are just balls, people will do whatever they want with whoever they want for the most stupid reasons or no reasons at all.

    And what about the men who look for clingy girls because their wives stopped having time fro them and replaced them with the kids or job? Or the Agbayas that just feel like if she’s young and attractive, she should be pursued?

    Btw, I think a man who is comfortable with his wife and kids knowing the girlfriend and being friends with her, is the type that can kill. That’s very disrespectful. Like do your shit, but do you have to dangle it in front of the wife while laughing at her ignorance?

    Although this is not what the post is about, I also think dating a married man/woman is just wrong. I repulse the married and single men and women who do it. How would you feel if you were married and your spouse was messing around and disrespecting you? It doesn’t necessarily make people who do it evil but tbh, if I had a friend who was into married men, it would serve as a signal for me to place myself and my husband far from her.

    9+
  21. Nosa
    Errm, sorry to butt in again o. No defending anyone *side-eye*.
    You mentioned serial killers and rapist, and that is painting in extremes but it’s allowed. Now when you those people, you bring physical hurt and pain into the scenarios, but i don’t think this post focuses on. I do not condone or accept physical hurt, not even slapping. For me, no level of physical hurt is acceptable. But dealing with emotional hurt, it differs vastly, what’s acceptable for you may not be acceptable for the next person.

    Now back to the non-physical type of hurt, i won’t go into explaining why, but on baselines, which baseline are you using to look at it through, legal, religious, cultural or personal.

    If you say personal, fine.
    If you say legal, then you know that there are aspects of legal baselines that are not acceptable to you, so what will you call someone whose action is not breaking the law but is not acceptable to you?
    As for cultural baselines, we know that is an ever changing landscape and it isn’t structurally defined.
    As for religious baselines (speaking from a christian angle since that’s what i know), there is no baseline, the rules are as clear as black and white, one that tells a “white” lie and the infidel are both sinners. Plain and simple.
    And i abhor self-righteousness, it just breeds an “i’m better than you” mentality. The bible preached on it. Even the law doesn’t support it.

    So if you are going to use morality as a baseline, what moral perspective are you using?

    Not voltroning o.

    3+
    1. Tori
      I don’t understand, are you trying to justify an affair with a married man? Are you saying those of us that abhor it are “self righteous” ? I’m genuinely asking.
      7+
    1. JADE
      I think what Nosa is trying to say in essence is the fact that one action or inaction or behavior does not sum one human being up as a good or bad person, plus using Shirley’s example, a lie is a sin just like infidelity so before you throw stones at the cheater ask yourself if you are a liar or a thief and maybe the hand holding that stone may just go back down. For what its worth i know its a very bad thing im doing and i do feel bad and guilty a lot of times but……
      PS: its only for a short time
      5+
  22. Bee
    Been reading posts from this spectacular blog for about à year now and this is the first time I’m commenting. This married men wahala is truly complicated. Been friends with one married ex-boss for 2 years. He has not asked me out or asked for sex (thank God). He has told me he likes me and I kno 4 sure he is attracted to me (seriously tight hugs). I màde him know that friendship is all I can offer him and he seems to have understood that. We have a good relationship and he encourages me to do more. I consider him a mentor and a friend. Married men are out of bounds for me. I fear God and im scared of karma! Big ups Toolsman! Im a blogger as well and I totally love your works.
    3+
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Hmm.. you really shouldn’t mess with karma.. Thanks a mil for reading and also commenting – we want to read more from you so please come out of the shadows :)
      1+
  23. G
    All this long story the only and main reason why single girls date or have affairs with married men is because of “MONEY” nothing else. The luxury lifestyle a single guy cannot offer and the endless pampering. Please spare me with the penis talk we all know that’s not the reason. Just to point this out keep people who have no boundaries out of your life you just dived a bullet.
    2+
  24. MisP
    Very funny comments! On some level, everyone is right. However, I have some opinions:

    The guys insinuating that a cheater is a worse sinner than a liar are wrong. That’s not to justify cheating, it’s just to make us aware of the fact that there’s no bigger sin before God. No one gets a larger corner of hotter fire for committing more sins than another. Sin is sin. White lie is a sin, un-white lie is a sin. Note that when the adulteress was to be stoned in the Bible, Jesus said “let he who is without sin cast the first stone”, not “let he who hasn’t committed adultery…”

    Then speaking of hurt, I think its easier to understand when you’re closely affiliated with someone who’s been hurt through a partner’s infidelity. I have a couple of married men on my case and yeah, I’m largely independent and without loads of friends. When I’m down, sometimes I think that I could date a married man because “baby girl wasn’t made for all this hustle” but then I remember how my mum felt when my dad cheated and I can’t bring myself to do it even though I don’t know these women.

    Point it, empathy might be easier if there’s a face to attach to “his wife”. But then again, there are always exceptions.

    Jade, I’d have you know that married men also catch feelings so “clean breakup” might not be so clean.

    15+
  25. Mampii
    OK, first time to comment. I love this post so much its expository mostly the comments from people like jade and anonymous aboki. Different strokes for different folks. For me, I would HATE to cause someone emotional pain intentional just because of my selfish want.

    MISP, your comment to dear jade is so on point.

    Tori you need to control yourself dear, people have their opinions, you either respect them or hold yours, even God did that, by giving everyone the choice to choose their beliefs.

    3+
    1. Anonymous Aboki
      I hate to toot my own horn but, I was told I am..by a short-sighted person at a night club, lol..

      I recognise the compliment, much obliged..

      2+
  26. Boom
    Interesting. I attracted married men when I was married and still now that I’m divorced. I thought that by keeping to myself, politely putting them in their place and not making eye contact would get the point across that I’m not interested; it doesn’t. I’d never jeopardize my standards or having karma come back to haunt me by entering a relationship w/a married man. I don’t share and need more time than a married man is able to give. Plus, who needs the headache?

    A question though, by saying married men are attracted to independent women who keep their mouth shut and reaffirm him as a man, aren’t those the things that attracted them to their wife in the first place? Not to mention, a woman who will have an affair w/a married man has low self esteem and either doesn’t think she deserves a healthy relationship or is settling because of not finding a decent single and available man.

    I’ll never become a home wrecker out of desperation because it’s just not worth losing those things I’ve come to love about myself. Additionally, despite the gender role conflict between men and women, husbands should talk to their wife and let them know how they feel about what is said and done toward them. I k ow men aren’t emotive in that regard, however, those convos are necessary to avoid giving a reason to cheat.

    4+
  27. Bagos Mutendi
    For the first time in a long while, I found someone I really like. Its rare to find such brutal honesty. Jade, whoever you are, I love you die. Don’t stop being you even if some ‘self-righteous hypocrites who are fucking married men’ here say otherwise. Trust me when I tell you that I know their type from experience. I was like that too before I met him…(story for another day)
    is it that you just have this topics tucked away someplace safe or they are ‘inspired’..lol. Only reason i subscribed to TNC was your posts though…They are real and practical.
    2+
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Hi Bagos (interesting name by the way, you Nigerian?) Thanks for reading and for the kind words. I wish I had them tucked someplace – working on it, till then, will keep waiting for inspiration.
      0
  28. Diva
    well i have lots of married men as friends and even though most times feelings gets into the way, i ensure i dont go out of line because am sure i wont like a pay back. A point ooof correction, most girls dont go out with them because of money but because of their sense of maturity. I just love the way nosa reasons as well as aboki. Thumbs up tools. First time commenting though
    0
  29. king

    af0bad799668b1cf4c63264371ca387d

    thnk, alot of thngs are mixed up if the contex isnt defined.
    u cant just go on with your life not minding how and who gets hurt in the process. sometimes there is nothing you can do if someone gets hurt while you pursue ur life, however there are times you have better options and offset few things in the process to reduce the level of hurt on other ppl. i think no matter how complicated this world is at some point the concept of empathy should find a level of application.
    b4 God a sin is sin wether big or small bt u’ll agree with me its a total different thing when it comes to mare mortals. thats why we mostly hv thngs we can let go & things we cnt…if ur man/woman lies just to hv you drive them to either a salon or an eatery.cn it b compared to them lying to hv sex with som1 else? how will God c it at the end of the day? i gues God ll c both as sin bt each ll hurt me at different level.i dnt knw fr u though.u cnt equate som1 slaping u on ur face to them nocking off ur tooth by smashing a club to ur mouth, bt i cn c they both re violent attacks.

    tlkn abt som1 being bad or gd. wht i gathered frm few posts above, no1 is bad or gd,excpt to hv som1 being wrong or right, since we are talking about bad as som1 wrong in total sum of their actions or gd as 1 gd in evry aspect. such ppl dnt exist in this wrld. so i totally disagree that u cnt call som1 bad or gd.i believe u cn if d context of ur point is established.

    we hv agreed that these things hv no scientific basis so as our emotions n feelings having no moral basis most atimes.wht i mean is that somtimes we find ourselves doing thngs we plan nt to do or do thngs out of our moral principles n standards. somtimes u find urself loving som1 u shouldnt or enjoying doing thngs u sincerely knw re wrng.just that somtimes is more complicated to control ur hrt,ur feelings,ur emotions than d way we c the wrld in its totality.
    for that im hesitant to point an accusing finger to 1 who sleeps wt another mans husband or 1 who sleeps another mans wife or 1c who casually finds themselves having sex with strangers. im nt saying it is right bt at a point or anothr each persn finds himself doing somtn wrong. i myself do some bad things bt its just gd to make counsciouse efforts to stick to our principles n discipline our hrts n nt pointing accusing fingrs at othrs without fully knowing all d details to it. dnt b to strong in pointing how mch u hate a lifstyl, do more in wrking on your self if nt, ull disapoint urself when u catch u doing somtin u hate d most.
    this is only based on my opinion pls.n thnks alot i admit i learnt alot on this blog. its my 1st time bt it sure ws intresting.

    5+
  30. datmac
    which one is home wrecker again? yes,having an affair with a married man is wrong but both parties are adults,consenting adults. the lady didnt make any promise of fidelity to anyone but the married man did,so if anyone is to be called a homewrecker it should be the guy for forsaking his vows.
    P.S: totally love this post,looking forward to more articles by .
    3+
  31. Ire
    It is all fun and games.

    Exciting as well, very exciting.
    You can do it and you are doing it and you do not give a(n) anything!
    Intriguing absolutely intriguing.
    You have a secret, I have a secret, everybody has a secret!

    Funny.
    His wife is calling you and begging you to leave her husband alone. Begging you to let the father of her kids come home and tuck them in to sleep. Very funny.
    Awkward.
    You go out to dinner and he is torn because he does not know what to call you… Friend/Lover/Colleague/Girlfriend. So, it ends with your name. No one needs to know anything. Abi? Very awkward.
    Annoying.
    When you start talking to some other guy and he is getting miffed. LOL. My nigga-guy, wosapining? You mad? Did they tell you that I do not want my own?

    It is everything until it is not. Until someone walks away and you realise that “clean breaks” might just be myths. You’ve spent so much “not so much” time together that it starts to count for something. You are somehow in tune with his habits as he is with yours. In that time, he has to go back somewhere even as you move forward…

    Sometimes I wonder, how did she pick up the pieces? Why didn’t she leave him?

    I’m here now. In my own, wondering… Doubting… Preparing for something. Will I be exciting enough? Intriguing enough? Funny enough? Awkward enough? Annoying enough?
    If not, boy bye.

    Boy bye? Shouldn’t I stay and endure the karma I believe/presume is mine?

    I laughed at someone else’s plight. No thought for my selfish actions. When the repercussions come, will I stay? Will I run?

    11+
  32. Lixxie

    IMG-20141123-WA0001

    Interesting first time here and I must say I’m impressed, dating a married man was a no no for me but somehow lately I seem to be heading in that direction,not funny at all,until you wear the shoes you won’t know how and where it pinches.
    2+
  33. V3r0
    I hope this comment gets posted cos I try but they never get posted.. Anyways, in my case it’s often guys I knew from their single days that tend to approach me after marriage, like dude we were friends and u never toasted me but now ur married and all of a sudden ur liver af done..u want to hangout and face time? They often start by trying to guilt trip me into not keeping in touch (I kind of do that with any friend that gets married, dnt wanna be the reason for any sort of tension) and then proceed to claim we can still be friends and hangout even though they’re married, and hence start pressuring me for an affair.. One even tried to visit me in my father’s house while using the line “for friendship sake”… And I know his wife very well, it’s just disappointing and sad. Praying against it biko.. I want my own husband, not to be someone else’s husband’s secret side dish
    2+
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Hello.. thanks for commenting and let me welcome you officially to TNC. Just incase you have issues commenting again, please try a different email and if that doesn’t work, kindly reach out to us.
      0
  34. Amazing

    TMPDOODLE1468746417190

    MArried men have been attracted to me since I was 15. A married man chased me for over seven years consistently and I finally gave in. I once went to d car wash with him and another man asked me out there. D truth is I know it’s wrong and someone could get hurt in d process but he doesn’t demand much of my time and attention and gives less headache. One thing is for sure, nothing justifies my actions.
    3+
  35. kathybabe
    Now I finally understand why married men won’t let me be. I used to think I must be giving out the wrong vibes. Im a mother of four o.
    2+
  36. Shu
    I had(and still have) this married friend that was all in my business, I had just finished Nysc and was Job hunting. He finally left me alone when I let him know sex was not on my agenda with anyone married or single. Fast forward 6 years later, we are still friends but only communicate like once in 6 months via phone calls or Skype, and I made the mistake or complaining about my Ex and how I had finally had sex. So now he is back in full force on my case, jealous as hell that he was not my first, he can’t believe that I am still denying him even though my wish to wait until marriage is no more. So a very good friendship is going down the drain.
    It’s hard not to catch feelings with married men that are well educated and reason well, but is emotional involvement without sex cheating also, cos sex has never been mind blowing for me cos I think fornication is a sin and I never let my self go cos I’m think of how I will go for confession the next Thursday. But you who are close friends with a married man and the one sleeping with a married man is there a big difference?
    4+
  37. ForTheLols
    First comment and omg! V3r0 is so me. Like “dude, i was here all along and you think having a wife gives you an extra liver”!
    I’m really really independent and i know it’s such a turn on for guys, married or not, but a lot of them can’t handle it. They like the idea, from a distance.
    I’ve stayed away from my married friends as far as possible. Seems they start making comparisons AFTER they get married and I’m like “nigga please, don’t even…”
    I secretly like how married men are attracted me to me sometimes. Especially after I’ve met or heard about the wife and i go, “nigga, you gotta deal with your decision. You were woke when you were proposing. You should have been reading Leke Alder or something when you were saving up for a ring”
    Oh, i tried once. I was a virgin. Dude was going to get me scarred for life and wanted a baby. You say wetin? If you’re wondering, I left a virgin. Still won’t touch any of them with a 10 foot pole.
    1+
  38. Mimi
    I read all the comments, laugh at some and smiled at some no one made me angry….. you know what, life is what it is. As adult we are all responsible for our actions. Iam a single mother of one and iam currently dating a married man and i love him and he loves me let nobody jugde me cos you dont know my story am not goin to go into all that but am going to tell u pple that i was very ANTI MARRIED MAN in fact i quarrelled with anyone i know dating a married man….. but look at me today, but am not ashamed….. Life caught up with me
    2+
  39. Marshall Tito
    So many Comments. But what is wrong is wrong. 21st Century humans, I must confess our Conscience is dead’ nothing pricks us any longer. We only feel bad for a little time and we ‘Move on’.
    But from my own angle, I don’t think I will want to put my Well Carved D into a woman not my wife that has given birth to prolly 3 children and I fault with passion any girl that sleeps with a Married man. Karma is real . Mhen there are many single guys that can pamper you and still give u what ever you want. Hahaha (I’m here for you).
    2+
  40. Dharmmie
    I just want to scream @jade and every other person handing Jade a glass of champagne.

    HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! JISOS!!!!!!!!!!! WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?????????😠

    1+
  41. sips
    first time here. Nice one toolz. sis hope u wnt b mad if a side chic is using ur husband to keep body n soul together..@Jade
    1+
  42. Nabilah
    My mum warned me seriously to stay away from married men. Each time I meet one who feigns intrest in me, her words come to me loud and clear “Never have anything to do with a married man not even being just friends” like one of the commentators said its a sliopery slope and its best not to even start because youmay find yourelf justifying your actions. I feel there is a depth of pain words can’t describe when a woman finds out her husband is cheating on her. A pain that makes her look at the other woman and having done all she can keeps silent because she just has to save her home and marriage. And of course Karma is a full time bitch that ALWAYS pays. Maybe not on time but she definitely pays. Sometimes the insecurity that comes with thinking your husband maybe cheating on you because you were once the other woman is just the begining of the toture. When he starts using lines and making excuses that your married lover used on his spouse your mind begins to wonder “is he being truthful? Or Is he cheating on me?”. When you can’t confront him or even when you confront him and he still does what he wants leaving you feeling helpless, you get to understand the humiliation the lady whose husband you used to date felt. How worthless she felt, like maybe she wasn’t good enough for him anymore and so she just has to come to terms with your presence until the day you both decide to part ways. How about the kids who just know that something is wrong? Or maybe fees have not been paid because the money is being spent on taking care of “boo”?
    I guess its a matter of personal principle but for me, Married men are a big NO.
    5+
  43. Ammy
    I Neva had d idea of dating a married man and I fell victim. I met a man during my Nysc was a virgin den.he swept me f my feet so caring and all. He was sweet.he sucked me like mad.i got pregnant and found out he was married.i quit all links wit him by God’s grace after I found out.it wasn’t easy though.i will just say I wasn’t raised to know I was guilty and keep doing it.
    0
  44. Eunice
    please let us have the fear of God in whatsoever we are doing, despite DT d world embrace almost everything please let’s consider what is God’s view about it. Don’t’t always try to satisfy your emotional needs because the bible says put your body under subjection. let’s check 1corinthians6:18-20, Gal.4:16-17, James 4:4. etc. Thanks God will help us all
    1+
  45. red

    734938_462124623852253_1663118014_n

    Am single and I thank God am abt to get married and b free fm those married men dat refuse to take their searching eyes off my body. Is tempting. They just can’t resist my look and all that
    0
  46. red
    We all have the fear of God jst pray u don’t fall a victim, cos u might not b able to o stand it or do u think we enjoy d chase by married men,sometimes the circumstance we find ourselves makes us to do things we nvr wanted or rather like. so pray 4 ursef dat u shouldn’t fail a victim n 4 those who find themselves in such situation
    1+
  47. Faith
    it was quite an interesting read…some of the points I agree with. this morning I still had the talk with someone I tried friend zoning…he still came at me with the I like you line…it was irritating and I just couldn’t take it anymore, I had to snap…dude has been on my case for close to two years now, know him from a church I visited in Abuja where I met his wife…I tried to be nice, I tried to friend zone…well I blocked him this morning…he’s not the only one though, there was another guy with his family abroad…knew I was looking for a job, promised to help and all…had to tell him I don’t want his help or his money or anything and he just keeps coming, whether I’m nice or curt…I would say though that I attract both single men and married men equally but society has also somehow made it acceptable for men to cheat. I have single male friends and married male friends who rationalise it and it is even accepted by women that their husbands will always cheat…men are given a pass and that’s why they do it. and I’m speaking in the context of this article cos I know women are also big in the cheating game now…and I don’t think one size fits all…the way you send one away might not work for the next so you tweak it as you go along. it is sad though that it has become an acceptable norm
    1+
  48. Shuga
    this is my first time commenting on this page and I must say I love this topic. As a lady u dont come into lyf with d plan of not having ur own. when I was young I swore I would never date a married man but I grew up into a woman. we date married men not bcos we like it but bcos of d situation we find ourselves. I am not proud of it but I am not ashamed to say it. I believe in karma and I know it will fall back. personally I don’t keep any man away from his family. I suggest holidays for him and his family and he doesn’t keep late nights except he is on business trips. most of d ladies here saying no no no are liars cos almost 90% of d Nigeria ladies date married men so why d forming.
    1+
    1. Boss
      Nice one . I love pple that come out straight. Let others keep pretending as if they r God’s PA. The main thing is for you not to allow the affairs affect the man’s home.
      1+
  49. CMO
    Never thought I can ever be involved with a married man but when I discovered I was treading that part, I had to quickly withdraw because of karma. What is bad has no other name than Its bad, infidelity hurts deep into the future, its good to keep off
    1+
  50. shuga
    One thing u guys are forgetting is that we are consenting adults who has d right to love anyone,date anyone and be with any1. if he mks me happy I go for him. either married or single. I didn’t go to him,he came for me. its d nature of everyman to cheat on their spouse cos 95% of men cheats,2% just have d fear of God and d bal 3%dont have d money to. So let d ladies date whosoever they want its our choice . where I will have a problem with d ladies is if she tries taking more of d landlady’s space then datz d original sin. As I dey here I date married man and a single dude. let fate play d game.any one I end up with na my own. cos most of us ladies are destined to be 2nd wives dat will correct so many mistakes in d home. Even king Solomon d man after Gods heart has 700 concubines and God nor record am against d ladies and kill them. so mk una relax.
    1+
  51. Anonymous
    Look at these home wreckers vomiting rubbish. Causing another woman emotional pains by sleeping with her husband… acting like you have no conscience. Karma is a bitch… I just hope you can take it when it finally come for you.
    1+
  52. SirEdges
    im a first tymer…. interesting n engaging piece. I don’t agree wt most of the comments buh I mst say dey r surely an eye opener… Aboki, Jade, Nosa n co r MIA. n to d poetic ranger “Ire” y shield thy sword? we await ur return. hmmmm n to d master n author of controversial piece thumps up to u “TOOLS MAN” …. I was scared d blog myt v bn abandoned. cos DS piece ws so entertaining I read from top to bottom.

    The poor are evil
    If they do not eat
    We do not sleep

    Morally poor

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  53. Doyeen
    hmmmm, dating a married man? dunno if I can do dat. Cos wat goes around, comes around. Its gonna back fire one way or d oda.
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  54. Raquel
    I’ve read articles by before, and I must say, I enjoy every one of ’em! The comments r very entertaining; love d writing styles. Now, this topic…
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  55. shivvaun
    ” an even as they do not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave dem over to a reprobate mind, to do things which are not convenient. being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication,murder etc. now I am not here to judge anyone. you all have spoken well, as much as I am totally not in support of infidelity, someone earlier commented that there is no big or small sin, but when you are committing a sin Dis huge and u see nothing bad abt it,I believe God has given u over to a reprobate mind. I have a question to dose dt says karma is a bitch, i’m just curious… wat is at work wen a lady who has Neva slept wit a married man, gets cheated on by her spouse? nice post@ thetoolsman
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  56. Ames
    Dear Hec, you do know that you can make a comment without insulting anyone, right? Correct with love next time so that it can be better received.
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  57. sara
    Dear U arouse me. But be ashamed, pls, be very ashamed. Not for sleeping with him, but for being a cheat and an ally.
    Heck I dnt care abt their marriage or about ur relationship either, but I care abt integrity and loyalty. I think this goes a long way to saying d kind of person u are. Wherever dat shame went to. Pls find it o. Do it for urself.

    And u pple talking abt karma, lol! Karma is slow and it misfires, many people wit cheating partners have never cheated or aided it before, so please.

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  58. sara
    nice post. But I am yet to know why I attract married men sha. Hell! I attract them like flowers attract bees.
    I am not Miss Independent, I dnt do d dramatic way of telling dem off either. I know how to keep a secret tho, but surely that is not something dat manifests physically.
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    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Hi there. Thanks for the comment. You say you’re not Miss Independent but you sure about that? Check my explanation again – I’ve had many women say to me they aren’t but like I said, it’s really not so much about how much you earn, it’s a mentality. Also I need to point out that as much as there are exceptions to these “rules”, sometimes you don’t necessarily need to display all the qualities before you attract married men. In your own case, if you don’t tell them off, it allows a married man who might not have been interested in you initially, know more about you probably to the point where he discovers you can keep secrets and thats enough for him to then decide to come after you.
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  59. Ruby
    I jumped straight into this post without knowing who wrote it (cuz of the title), by the time I was done I knew it had to be Toolsman. Very nice, Welldone.

    When I read the part were you said the women that have affairs with married men are the ones that loathe the idea the most, like that was so me. I wonder how or why that happens. I guess it just does. I slept with a man who is married to a family friend of mine. If someone had told me I could ever do such a thing, I might have slapped said person. But it happened (twice).

    I just wanted to say your research paid off, you pretty much nailed it!

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  60. Rene5Rene5
    When a married man approaches a woman for cheating, it will most likely be someone he’ll be sure to score (ie, the vulnerable woman with low self esteem or the woman with no morals). To put it simple, married men don’t have many options compared to single men. Nobody wants the headache of getting in an affair with a married man, right? Hence, the married man is doomed to settle for less in order to fulfill his needs outside his marriage.
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    1. Rene
      Edit: Just to clarify, this doesn’t mean that if you get approached by a married man, you’re either immoral or vulnerable. Some women are simply attractive to both married and single men, but if it becomes a pattern it’s more likely that the married jerks sense some sort of vulnerability and they try to take advantage of it.
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  61. Bkd
    For those of you always basing your arguments on the Bible(and fearing God); I think the best thing is for the married man to marry as many women as he can handle. Then no one will be accused of adultery or “cheating”. After all, God permits polygamy. Except y’all are suggesting that Abraham, Moses, David etc were not God-fearing.
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  62. emma
    Now I finally understand. . . When I was in college, guys with girlfriends approach me. I easily friendzoned them and it was no biggie since we were young then. But I really got bothered when a married guy openly pursues me!!! I was like, what on earth!! I do not intend to continue attracting the attached men, especially not the married guys! Then, I read the article. I got the 3 traits. >>sigh<>another sigh<<
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  63. L
    So what message is being passed by this article? That girls should not broadcast their ‘high’ standards OR That married men should be rejected nicely OR That we should empathize with married men?

    I think married men should be avoided by single girls, they have nothing to offer them, except of course these girls have a different reason.

    Secondly, I find it hard to believe that a married man will approach a girl (outside work) whoever she is for any reason other than sex.
    If they want an affirmation of their masculinity, they should go their wives who already worship and love them and not risk their homes for a momentary fling.

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  64. The Very Truth Of All
    Well unfortunately Most of the women nowadays like Sleeping Around with all different kinds of men since they really Can’t settle with just Only One.
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  65. Katie
    I’ve never been with a married man but I do frequently get hit on by them. More than one have tried to have affairs with me. I barely scrape by financially but I am fiercely independent. I’m also fun, sassy, and not the type to “need” a man. Ive noticed that their wives are controlling, insecure, and desperate for them to stick around. Personally, i wouldn’t want a man who would stay in such a miserable marriage and couldn’t respect him. I wouldn’t even date someone until they’d been divorced for a year because I think it takes time to heal. Anyhow, I think you’re onto something and that maybe if some of the wives who are being cheated want to keep their husbands, they should take note of how the women their husbands show an interest in behave. Counseling is also a good idea. But really, I think that too many people stay married when things are sour. The whole “til death do us part” thing was written when the life expectancy was 35 years! Times have changed! People change! However, I do believe a few marriages last and are truly happy. But not many.
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  66. She
    Heaven knows how many times I’ve read this post since it was put up.
    Why is the onus always on the woman to be the considerate person in these liaisons?
    All the talk of being ashamed shouldn’t be left to her alone.
    Wrong is wrong.
    Whether you’re sleeping with a married man or woman, or lying to your partner about something tiny.
    Same hell allocation.

    Great article as always, Tula.

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