Dear Women: Is Your Boyfriend Really Yours?

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During a recent church service I attended, I listened on as the pastor went on and on about the effect of personalizing prayers. He spoke about how a lot of Christians are very generic and easily made assumptions with their Christianity and how God isn’t a fan of vague things. Of course he went on…

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During a recent church service I attended, I listened on as the pastor went on and on about the effect of personalizing prayers. He spoke about how a lot of Christians are very generic and easily made assumptions with their Christianity and how God isn’t a fan of vague things. Of course he went on to support his thoughts with bible verses but that’s not why we are here. Not long after the service, I witnessed a conversation similar to the following:

****

Chic (seriously crying)

Dude: Ahn Ahn, Chic, what is wrong with you? What happened?

Chic: *Sniff* It’s my boyfriend.

Dude: Your boyfriend? What happened to him? Is he ok?

Chic: No. Can you imagine; the stupid boy dumped me?

Dude: Eh yah… I’m really sorry. Pele, take it easy, you’ll be fine.

Chic: I just don’t understand you men. Why are you like this ehn… Why…

Dude: Sorry o Chic but you know I never knew you had a boyfriend though…

Chic: Ahn ahn, don’t you know Daniel?

Dude: Oh, Dan. Yes now, I know him. I see you guys together a lot but I just didn’t know you had something serious going on.

Chic: What do you mean? How can you say…

Dude: Babe, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be insensitive or anything but you just called him your boyfriend abi…

Chic: Yes now…

Dude: But did he at any point in time ask you?

Chic: Ask me what?

Dude: Ask to be your boyfriend?

Chic: *long hiss* Are you a child? Do people still do that nowadays?

Dude: So you mean, you just assumed you guys were official?

Chic: What else were we if not official? I mean, I used to leave my work every night and go over to his place. I used to cook for this bastard; I even met all his siblings. How much more official do we want to get?

***

I debated writing this post because I feel like it’s a no brainer but then again, I thought about that pastor’s sermon and decided to bring this up with the hope that we’ll help someone out there today.

I can’t say it enough, call me whatever you want but the truth remains, in my books, everyone remains fair game until they say their vows on an altar before God. That’s me, that’s what I believe as a Christian. For many of us, religion aside, we also have our beliefs but those are always hinged on some form of supernatural being or something serious like that. Now, when it comes to basic stuff like defining a relationship, I do not believe there are any grey areas whatsoever. You are either in one or you’re not. Full stop. Period. The End.

It is so surprising in this day and age where women have successfully made the art of marriage proposal into so much of a big deal that they can take things like defining relationships for granted.

Before I go on, let me quickly address that niggling thought on your mind. There are no guarantees in life. The end point of this post is not that defining relationships will guarantee you anything so you can stop thinking that now.

I have written in the past about what I call the Concept of Free but it seems some of these posts have become dated so I’ve decided to do refreshers on all of them. Anyways, in a nutshell, the Concept of Free is just when you get something thrown at you for free without even knowing it existed before then or without you asking for it. Now, this can occur in several forms and one simple example is the one displayed by the Chic in the conversation above.

Forget all that stuff about guys having big egos and all of that – the truth is if Genevieve Nnaji walks up to most single guys and throws herself at them, they will chop very well. Why? Because it came free BUT if the dude enjoyed it well enough and wants to claim her, there are simple ways to turn the table around and by so doing, service his ego. He will ASK her to be his girlfriend and possibly more. That way, as far as he’s concerned, he made a move, which cancels the fact that she more or less threw herself at him. But please note that a guy will only do this if he has serious future plans for this chic.

I was listening to a radio show the other day where the presenter asked guys how they would react to a woman proposing to them. Most of them said NO but this dude called in and said, if he really likes her and sees himself with her in the future, he will say yes but will still go ahead to come up with a bigger proposal than hers before he considers them engaged.

What am I getting at here? A lot of guys out there are in relationships they don’t even know about because somewhere in the minds of women, they have taken the saying “actions speak louder than words” to heart and maybe this explains why many want the elaborate wedding proposal and wedding ceremonies without stopping to listen to the jargons the dude was mumbling while he was proposing or saying his vows.

As far as I’m concerned, any man who needs your help to determine whether or not y’all are in a relationship, is either not a man or doesn’t just see you as a long term investment into his life so please fix up.

Question time: Is your boyfriend really yours? Did he ask? If he didn’t will you make him ask or there’s just no point since there are no guarantees? For the guys reading, don’t crucify me for exposing us, we tell the women all the time but they never listen anyways maybe you can help me out.

Responses

  1. Gracey
    I have learnt not a presumptuous person. I would prefer it if he asked me to be his girlfriend. Defined terms is waaaaay better than ‘eh but I’ve met his siblings and cooked his meals’. Cos in the long wrong when I’m there catching mad feelings, he can spring the ‘But I never asked you to be my gf card on me’. Mba. But then again, even the one that asked ended up being ‘ours’ instead of ‘mine’… lmaoooo. *grabs bowl of popcorn*

    http://www.epiphany29.com

  2. O
    I don’t have a boyfriend.. Yay Me! No time for all this mixed signal shit abeg. And I need to correct that statement you made about everyone being fair game till they say their vows. In Lagos since when did saying vows automatically remove people from the “market”? Everyone is fair game as long as their spouses don’t find out. (Yea I sound like this because I have met all sorts of bastards and bitches who live by this rule). I don’t think you can be one thing for almost half of your life then suddenly change because you have a ring on your finger or said a bunch of words in front of a cleric..I would have loved to pose a question to you the author, but I won’t… To each his own though.
    1. thetoolsman
      Please go ahead, pose your question. We are all here to learn. As for the statement, I was speaking based on my personal experience. Of course many don’t regard vows nowadays but there are also many factors involved. Post for another day maybe..
  3. The Silent Observer
    This post reads so well, not just because I understand it but also because it hits a bit close to home.
    i broke up with someone a couple of months ago, after we’d dated for a while but he’d refused to make it official. My female friends kept on berating me, saying this whole official thing doesn’t matter. Lol. Please, I don’t know much about guys, but I know enough to understand that if a guy really wants you, he will claim you whichever way he can. Call me old school, but if said guy doesn’t ask you to be his girlfriend or something, then he doesn’t rate you. Please just pack your load and go.
    I know a lot of girls are in relationships like this. Some of them work out just fine (yay for you) and some of them find themselves dumped after 8 years (what were you expecting?). Save yourself the heartbreak, try to define what you are before you get unnecessarily attached.
    Anyways, the ex I broke up with who didn’t want anything “serious” at the moment got an official girlfriend less than a month later 🙂
  4. Nosa
    Defining your relationship doesn’t guarantee jack. it just give you a sense of structure and belief that what you have is real and not imagined. But there are no guarantees that he won’t leave.

    And Mr Tula, While I would like to crucify you for this, like you said, they never listen.
    I am guilty of this, you know the girl likes you but you want to be with her without really being with her (confusing right), I remember doing this to a friend, we were talking on the phone and she asked me why I wasn’t dating anybody. I just blurted out that it was because I was waiting for her to come around. she took it seriously and I didn’t try to discourage her, We were together but I didn’t see it as a relationship. Fast forward, 9 months and we had a fight, she said she was done with me and all I said was OK.
    Recently, one asked the “What are we?” question and I couldn’t give and answer, I just turned the tables on her and it was forgotten.
    Come to think of it, I have only asked one girl this “Will you be my girlfriend?” thing and she said No.
    I have been in three pseudo-relationships and I never asked that question,
    The first one, first time sex with her was so good that she started professing love so I had to indulge her. Second one thought my friend hooked us up just for a fling, I had to spit lines twisting the story around, she ended up saying I will date you (I never asked the question), ended up being serious for about a year.
    I just can’t turn away a lady who has feelings for me, it’s rude and ungentlemanly.
    And sometimes, you want to get with a lady without being in a relationship with her, and hitting it and running will seem cruel. then you gotta create the illusory idea of a relationship, you get what you want while she thinks she gets what she wants. it’s a win-win

    1. deb
      “And sometimes, you want to get with a lady without being in a relationship with her, and hitting it and running will seem cruel. then you gotta create the illusory idea of a relationship, you get what you want while she thinks she gets what she wants. it’s a win-win”

      Damn. This is definitely the situation I always find myself in. Why are y’all so mean?
      Does ‘I like you and I want to date you’ count tho?

      1. Nosa
        ” I like you and I want to date you”? it counts and it also doesn’t count.
        It’s hard for me to wxplain why that is but better make sure he asks that question.
    2. Zelle
      Excuse my french but pussy isnt hard to come by these days so i don’t get why guys have to go the ”leading her on route” to get some.
      I for one would like to know we’re just messing around for the sake of messing around or we are together.
      You dont have to lie to get into my pants..be real,if Im feeling it ok yea if not ok bye!
      We are all adults, come clean nigguhs!
  5. Simon
    As much as I understand what the writer talked about in this, I think any guy that pulls the “Did I ask you out?” card is all shades of childish (and that’s being polite). If it feels, seems and looks like a relationship, both adults involved already know it’s one. A girl that comes to cook for you after work, sleeps and all that then the guy knows damn well they’re dating. I just feel asking a girl “Be my girlfriend” or not does not take anything away from it being a full fledge relationship and it doesn’t stop a jerk from being a jerk.
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      hahaha.. Dont know if you’re married but if not, do you plan on proposing to your future wife? If what you say is right then whats the point? She might as well move in with you and start having your kids. This has nothing to do with being adults, it also has no guarantees but it’s simple courtesy.
    2. Captain
      Again, the “guy is the bad person”. Most times I really can’t understand. Haven’t we heard of cases were the guy picks and drop the girl off from work, takes her to the movies every now and again, airport pick up and drop off, with the girl accepting all these, the guy things we have something going on. Only for the sister to pull the…”aww he’s such a nice FRIEND” or ” Oh I have a bf”. Thunder fire that kind of friend friendship biko!

      All things have to be define. Simple. Even when its given freely. If he or SHE wants it badly enough, what’s the big deal in he/she making it “official”?
      Truth be told, people don’t want to ask if its official because deep down, they know what ever it is they share is not substantive enough to be official anyway.

  6. Olayinka
    Hmm.. Our fates as women. Our biggest undoing is our vulnerability. A man tells shows us a little loving kindness, steps out of his way to make us comfortable and we’re convinced its love. Until the day you innocently ask him who that girl he was speaking on the phone with for an hour with for an hour while you were watching t.v and being ignored was. Then you’ll hear the story of your life. After you have managed to pull down the wall around you then our men who insist that they have to ask you turn around to ask you whether they ‘specifically’ asked you to be their girlfriend.
    Tolu, how many times have we seen men chasing for as long as one year only to dump you after hitting it. I just think it’s cowardly. Like I read somewhere, the biggest coward is the man who awakens a woman’s feelings when he has no intention of loving her in return.
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      lol.. Tula, not Tolu (thats if you were referring to me).. I love your comment, you said it all talking about women and their vulnerability. You call it cowardly, well, maybe it is. But if more women start standing up to men or start taking responsibility for their actions, maybe we wont have to deal with so many cases.
    2. Segun
      If either party needs to ask whether or not they’re in a relationship, chances are that they aren’t in one. As much as we’d like to pin it on the Man, the woman too exhibits some cowardice by not asking. She’s afraid of the truth that isn’t there and is unwilling to disrupt the status quo. She too shares whatever blame there is to apportion for her predicament.
  7. Maxpayne
    I am old-fashioned. If I didn’t ask you to be my girlfriend, you are not my girlfriend. We are not in a relationship. It is just two adults having fun. I would ask you out if I see a future for us.. If you go assuming we are in a relationship just because we shagged, O.Y.O.
  8. Debloww
    I have heard too many stories about this relationship definition to last a lifetime. It happened to me a long time ago and i can remember been deep in thought like that famous GEJ’s picture, pondering on the question he asked me when shit went south. He had asked ‘but did i ask you out?’

    Haaaaaaaaaaay!!!!

    With the rate at which these men are dropping bombshells everyday, ladies need to take it upon themselves to be asked out officially if possible in the presence of a Pastor/Imam and lawyer with documents to support their intent.

    1. thetoolsman Post author
      hahaha.. please remember that I said this holds no guarantees but I think it gives us men one less lousy excuse to give for breaking hearts and for women, it makes you feel less used and at least you can take responsibility for your actions like cooking for him or sleeping in his house etc..
  9. priscilla Joy
    Lol imam/pastor and lawyer. If you have more guy friends than girlfriends like I do, you’ll get used to hearing the truth as it is instead of being led to continue in your fairytale foolery like some girlfriends tend to do. That’s how I was talking about a toaster to one of my friends, he quickly cut me short and asked “so has he popped the question? No it’s the ring question but the – will you be my girlfriend question”. Being asked matters, yes it doesn’t guarantee anything but there’s such a thing as clarity of purpose, just to avoid stories that touch.
  10. Gbolahan
    For God’s sake!
    One shag does not a girlfriend make. We’re all adults (I hope). I shouldn’t be made to pay for one romp with a few months’ relationship.

    I may be risking a lynching here but, ladies should not be so ‘clingy’ and don’t make assumptions. Many guys are in relationships simply because they’re too nice to tell you to take a hike.

    1. Debloww
      Clingy? Really?? That’s a bit reaching. Just because a girl wants to define a relationship, she’s clingy? i want to believe i have misconstrued your statement sha.

      Some girls give the guy lots of space and she’s still given the boot so what exactly are you saying?

      1. thetoolsman Post author
        lol.. yeah, you got him wrong.. What he said is.. most women are naturally clingy. After one shag, whether he defines what y’all have or not, you just assume it’s a relationship…
          1. Annie
            *more than
            Not marathon, biko nu. Naturally that one iz a guaranteed ‘clinginess’ somting. 😀
  11. sagz
    Scenarios like this almost always happen when it’s the girl that likes the guy. And so she begins showering the guy with food,love,sex etc and then the fact that the guy is being receptive to all these somehow makes her think they have something going on but most often than not it’s false. Everyone likes free stuff(guys inclusive) so very few guys will turn away a lady who’s giving them all these just cos they don’t see a future with them. It’s a bad and selfish attitude I agree but there are many guys like that out there so it makes it all the more important for ladies to define what they have with a guy. It doesn’t guarantee a lasting relationship neither does it guarantee you won’t get played but at least it makes you sure that you’re in one and prevents the humiliation when the guy gives you the ‘Did I ask you out’ line. I and the girl I’m currently dating started basically the same way but it wasn’t until she asked where we were headed with it that I actually realized I would want a future with her and so I asked her out eventually. Prior to that we were just having ‘fun’ in my mind and I’d have never really thought of making it official if she hadn’t brought it up. If we can define our possessions by putting our names on them and all that,how much more our relationships with living beings?
    1. Chinedov
      “Define possession by putting our names on it”

      That’s one Donald Trump supporter right there. 😀

      My problem is that these ladies dont ask questions. They just assume we’re in a relationship, when out there mandem is introducing himself as single to the whole world.

      While I hate being posed with the “What are we?” question and have to suppress the urge to reply “We are what we are”, I think they should ask questions about their status at some point – *3 months or 10 shags max (whichever comes first)- to avoid someone thinking they’ve been played.

      *3 months is enough time to appraise the sex.

  12. Nosa
    All things must come to an end one way or another.
    Whether he asked the question or not, that relationship will one day end. Either by him ask “did he ask you to be his girlfriend?” or him cheating or you two having a big fight. It will end. So does it really matter how it ends.

    Guys have different reasons for running this kind of con. And it is fun, it makes her think she is in control. While getting what you want and she thinking she gets what she wants, you are also getting to know someone, and you may later fall for her. The key to it is that when things eventually go south, it is best to make her feel like it wasn’t her fault, make her break up with you. That way, she gets to keep whatever virtue she is intent on keeping (dignity, self-esteem, hope, and love) and you get to walk away a slightly lesser villain. Like I said, Win-Win.

  13. Nubian Queen
    Nosa is sooo mean , LORD!
    LMAO, keeping up the relationship with her
    My boyfriend is really mine, at least for now. before we started dating he had a girl cooking for him, giving him attention and all that even when he had told her he liked someone else (we weren’t dating then) and went on to ask him out. He dated her for less than a week and realized he was into me more so broke up with her and asked me out.
    later she’s calling him a heart breaker and making me look like a boyfriend snatcher and i’m thinking you knew what you were getting yourself into so she has no right think any such thoughts.
  14. Miss
    Ha!!!! Nosa, you are mean oh…..lol
    Asking the question or not doesn’t guarantee jack but it’s better to be safe than sorry. If you then break up with ‘le boo’ at least he won’t get to play the ‘ did I ask you out’ card.
  15. Seyifunmi
    This post and the comments are very enlightening! Nice one Tula!

    While I believe it is juvenile for a “full grown man” to tell a woman he has been with for “a while” that she was just a booty call because he “didn’t ask her out”, I also believe ladies should stop leaving these things to chance! I mean there is no guarantee that a guy that asks you out is serious about the relationship, so what makes you believe that the one that doesn’t accord you the courtesy of asking will take you any seriously?

    I learnt the hard way to always define a relationship, that way if/when it ends, I’ll walk away with my dignity intact, even if it is a semblance of same!

  16. Carnivorous chic
    Nice post! The comments are ribs racking. my take on the subject is that: I agree that making it official doesn’t make it a successful relationship. Whatever will happen, will happen. But, Ladies (and guys if you please), should learn not to give up a lot of things so fast until you are sure which way the relationship is going to swing. Most times, it is easy to tell what relationship will fail after a short while. The problem is some people jump in fully too quick…hence they get heartbroken.

    WORD OF ADVICE: LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP

    1. thetoolsman Post author
      thanks :). As for not giving up things fast… I’ll say I disagree a little. Not that it’s wrong .. it’s just that, sometimes, things just happen impulsively and if you have this mindset, it’s easy to regret things and beat yourself up. I recently wrote about us learning to take more responsibility for our actions as adults but we need to know where to draw the line. So what you guys ended up having sex on the first date – it happens right.. But the mistake you shouldn’t make is now to take that to mean y’all are in a relationship and as a result go on shagging him for months..
  17. dee
    I’m probably going to go out of context ,guys need to be more sensitive. You can’t awaken a women’s feelings when you’ve no intentions of being with her , LEAVE HER ALONE. After leading her on, sex getting involved ..etc, she has tendencies of assuming a relationship.
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      And it’s funny how you chose to blame on the guy for this. When a guy comes to “wake your feelings” what’s stopping you from challenging him to “at least” find out how far he plans to stick around?
  18. D.K
    No matter how far we go or what we do together, if we don’t define it, I assume we’re not an exclusive item.

    Dating is NOT equal to a relationship in my dictionary.

    1. thetoolsman Post author
      hmm.. this is another thing Ive touched on. Terminologies. Dating, Going out, In a relationship.. We are a bit to casual with terms in these parts. We need to be a whole lot more precise when using such terms…
  19. Chinedov
    Hahahaha.

    Perfectly reminds me of the situation with my ex.

    We were still at the “getting-to-know” stage when one of her friends came into town from Port Harcourt. There and then she introduced me as her boyfriend.

    I was taken aback because I hadn’t even made up my mind about an “us” yet at the time. We went with it till we parted ways.

  20. Ray
    I think a lot of girls make a grave mistake of thinking if they are sleeping with a guy, talking all the time and being close and cozy, then he’s their boyfriend. Lool I’ve seen many scenarios where the chic goes around saying the guy is her boyfriend and homeboy is just like ‘I’m single o’.
    I believe both parties should have a vocal, mutual agreement that they are official before anyone goes thinking the other person is with them. It only brings unnecessary bs. Sex is not a relationship and cos a man is trying to be ‘available’ doesn’t actually mean he’s ready to fill the ‘boyfriend’ shoes.
    And btw, its not only the girls who are to blame. Some guys deliberately encourage the girl and play along and then one day, out of the blue go ‘I don’t remember having a girlfriend’. That part sucks but hey, a nigg will be a nigg.
    The onus lies on each woman to be honest with herself and not let anyone make a mess of her.
  21. Omali
    I once talked and hung out with a guy for 6 months. I never considered us bf and gf, although from the outside it seems that we were. Then one day he introduced me to his friends as his girl. Girl? I was confused bc I never got the memo nor did he get my consent. It wasn’t until he ask if I can be his gf. We were officially official. Confirmation is crucial. Anybody can talk/ hang out with anybody, it call being friends/ friends with benefit/ side chik/dude…etc . Know your role!
  22. The crush lady
    Interesting post. I’m actually in a similar situation. I recently got reacquainted with Dude and i’m thinking we might work (Dude asked me out like 2 yrs ago but i wasn’t feeling him then) BUT there’s an issue. I snooped around town to find out if Dude is being consistent and i discovered Chic A, a coworker who has been in love with him like forever. (Chic A and I have a mutual friend). Now, Chic A would go over, cook and spend weekends at Dude’s place so she assumed they were dating even though she admitted to our mutual friend he never asked her out. Dude insists he’s single and committed to making us work. I hear he has ‘ended’ the arrangement with Chic A. However, she’s spreading tales I stole her man. I know he’s serious(perhaps because he hasn’t ‘hit’ it yet. lol) but I’m not even sure whether to say yes to being his gf. Should i tell Dude i know about Chic A? How can I stop the tales when she ‘was with him for about a year’ and people thought so too? Or should I just mind my own business? Being called a boyfriend snatcher is not cool at all so it’s hard to ignore. 🙁 Thoughts anyone?
    1. Debloww
      Whether you address the situation or not, people will still be inclined to believe the worst about you, I mean it’s more interesting.

      I might be wrong buy I think you should ignore the drama.It will die eventually. When you start talking, it will give people more ammunition to say rubbish.

      Just make sure you and the dude are on the same page I.e your relationship should be defined to avoid stories that touch.

  23. MPDchic
    The simple truth is dis works both ways, last year had 2 guys on my case n I loved d attention n making out wiv dem wasn’t bad either but I couldn’t pick so I was glad nobody asked any nonsense question.
    They didn’t know about each other but at one point one figured he dint like us being undefined while d other was forming “commitment issues”. We can all guess who I ended up wiv, when I told d oda guy we couldn’t hang out anymore cos I had a bf he was forming I hurt him (laughing my ass off in spanish) niccur phulease!
    If u want her u will ask n possibly brand her sef! #EndOfStory. I learnt dis d hard way, thanks to one of my friends dat insisted dat “un”faithful ex defines d relationship I won’t have been able to brk up cos what would have been there to brk?
  24. Onoh
    #wordsonmable “One Shag does not a girlfriend make” lol!

    thanks Tula for dz post. I do not fancy commenting when i am late to a post but i cant walk by this and not say Hi..

    i have a couple of story to tell , i do not have the time right now to share but i can assure that inasmuch as being asked out, doesnt guarantee nothing it is safer to know where you stand so when you fall you do not fall badly.

  25. Nwoke
    If you must be in a relation that invokes s*x, try it out with a married man. In that case, there will be no heart break, no pestering. You automatically know you are the other woman and save yourself the worries of he cheating on you. But if you are 24 and above, not married and feels you can zip up as a girl, then stay single un married because you cannot maintain a relationship without s*x.
  26. Jipiti Jabala
    I went through a situation where I knew it could not happen just yet. He was financially unstable but he was around when I needed him to.
    I asked for definition time n again. No I ddnt assume or introduce him as a boyfriend. N he ddnt act like he wasn’t interested.

    Cut to it. It hurts when u love someone who is unavailable. But it is unfair, not to open up. Besides, jus lik some girls fake dt she has a man so she won’t date you (u know it’s a lie) How about u dissuading her interest?let her go early and easy. U cld keep d frndship platonic eventually.

    But men re a greedy life form. They do not inconvenience themselves for the greater good. Even if she is your friend and u r by ur actns holding her back.

  27. deaduramilade
    Labels don’t guarantee anything. even married people get divorced/separated.
    But, it it important to have structure and how can there be structure if I don’t know what exactly is going on.
    Bae specifically asked me to be his girlfriend so there was no confusion there. It wasn’t “are we?” “aren’t we?”.
  28. kay
    This is why the bible says you shouldn’t fornicate, to prevent touching stories

    Why would a guy/girl shag you on a regular and claim you were not in a relationship. Thunder fire his D/her V

    I agree with Tula though, it is important to define these things.

    The earlier the better and if possible do a review every now and then because the previous definition might have changed.

  29. Chidinma
    I’m an ardent reader of this blog. Bin following since toolsmanblog days, talk about 4/5 years ago (I think??).

    I’ve never commented on any post before, though I’ve been tempted to, several times.

    But this particular post, I couldn’t seem to overcome the temptation to write something,mainly because I’ve been in this kinda situation one too many times (I got out of one recently ). I think I’ve learnt now never to assume. Just plain ask, or GTFO! Oh, I’m also sharing the link with friends that I KNOW are in this kinda sticky situations. Thanks Tula for this post. You’re all sorts of amazing …..as always!

  30. vanessa
    I don’t think defining the relationship is the key oh. its defining emotions that matters more. As in, the guy cannot say he didn’t know a lady is showering him so much attention cos that what she does for everybody. it is his place as a good sensible person aware of what it means to be hurt, to tell her exactly how he feels. Even if it’s the other way around, the lady should do the same. Coming out to say the truth, reduces the pain and hate. it’s not rocket science, it’s putting yourself in the other’s shoes (basic empathy)
  31. La Dolce Vita
    Life is just better as a lesbian. When u are with someone on the same emotional frequency as u are. All dis bullshit are we are we not is non existent
  32. chioma
    well what i feel now is that your relationship should’nt be based on assumptions
    you need to own your relationship either as a lady or a guy…don’t presume things dont think for him. let him make the move first.
  33. Deoye Falade
    I’ve learned something. Ask.
    For a long time, girls always asked me out. I dunno why but once they did, I took it to heart and acted like I was in a relationship. I believed I was.

    But it spoiled me. I just didn’t know how to ask so the girls usually did something before I did. Or I did. I’d be thinking about if she’s what I want and bam, she’d kiss me. Wahala de. Or I’d do something stupid and kiss her. And then I wouldn’t know how to control the situation so I’d keep quiet because the psyche was that they’d get tired and leave eventually when they got bored. It was convenient and yes, I was being an asshole even if I was nice about it.

    I believe a man’s words count. If I say something, there’s something to be held to and if there’s nothing said,, nobody is to be blamed. So if he doesn’t ask, ask him (doesn’t make him less a man) so you know where you stand. Even if you guys were to break up, at least you both know you’re ending a contract.

    That said, “let’s see how it goes” is the biggest scam on earth when it comes to relationships. Only thing is that, definitions or not, half the time, nobody really knows where things are headed.

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