I woke up to the stillness of the night and I opened my eyes to the darkness of the room. I slept better with the light off but the darkness was everywhere so I knew the power was off. I felt that weight on top of me again, I wasn’t scared because I already knew who it was.
It was my really good looking father’s cousin who would sneak into my room every night to try to have sex with me. I had developed a crush on him since the first day I saw him. Who would blame me? I was a teenager who wore her heart on her sleeves and he was in his third year in the university and the most handsome man I had ever seen. My friends would gush about him whenever they came to visit but I noticed he had eyes only for me.
I was almost sixteen and I realized people would always compliment me about my body, how flat my stomach was, how my breast were like ripe melons and how my buttock and my hips were like that of a South African woman. I also noticed how I attracted more attention from boys than my friends and most times I hated this. I was innocent and oblivious to all these though later in life, I would notice that this wasn’t such a bad thing. What most girls worked hard to get, I got on a platter.
The first night my father’s cousin sneaked into my room and I woke up as I felt a hand touch me where I called my “woman place”, I was scared to death and his hand covered my mouth to muffle my scream. He told me it was just him and I shouldn’t be scared in a very low tone. He rarely spoke to me since he had moved in with us and I wondered what made him come into my room at this time of the night. Of course I knew what he was trying to do. I was sixteen, after all. My friends and I spoke about sex all the time and what it would feel like the first time. We would watch X-rated movies we hired illegally from the film house and read X-rated magazines, but we were just being curious teenagers.
Tonight, he had come again to try to have sex with me and I fought him weakly. Part of me wanted to but the other part knew it was wrong. Plus, he was my related to me! I whispered fiercely that I will tell my mom if he didn’t stop. My mom’s room was just down the hall and, though I threatened him, I didn’t want her to wake up or catch us like this. My mom was overly protective, and the older I grew the more protective she became. Once, I overheard her very close friend telling her how beautiful I was and how she would have a had time keeping boys away from me because of my provocative body. She also advised my mom to buy loose-fitting clothes that would hide my body a bit.
My father’s cousin told me that he was really a distant cousin and that we were not related. He also said that siblings married each other in China. He continued doing this until he finally had his way one afternoon when we were both alone in the house. That was the day I ended up telling my mother what had been going on because I was so hurt I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. I had just got out of the shower, when he grabbed me, he had pinned me to the bed so painfully that I couldn’t move and he had tried to put his manhood in my woman place before someone banged on our door, which was what saved me.
Immediately, he released me I ran as fast as I could into the closest room and bolted the door. A few minutes later, he came, knocked on my door and started apologizing. He claimed he didn’t know what came over him.
His words didn’t really mean much to me. It was my mother’s words that cut like a knife.
She turned the matter around and blamed me for being the cause of what happened. She said it was because I walked around the house half-naked and behaved inappropriately. Her words hurt far more than my cousin’s actions. From that day, I made up my mind to keep things to myself. I decided to wear clothes that were bigger than me to cover hide my body and stay away from boys.
I am 27 and I am still scared of sex. I am scared that boys are only attracted to me because of my body and whenever I get in a relationship and try to get intimate with a guy, I can’t. All I see is my father’s cousin’s face, and all I hear are my mother’s words.