After giving the guys some tips for keeping a side chick one post or so ago, I promised to share some for those women out there who happen to be side-chicks either by design or by mistake. Today I’m keeping my promise.
Ladies, being a side-chick is not the easiest thing to do, not least because of the criticism and harsh judgements that will come to you. Add that to the fact that you most likely have to keep your relationship under wraps, you can’t admit that you have a man and you also struggle to say that you don’t have a man. It’s not a nice feeling or place to be. However, you can still make the best of the situation, and below are a few pointers for doing just that.
- Do learn how to ‘disappear’ during key moments. This is one of your most important tasks as a side chick – the art of being non-existent. So, when he runs into someone he knows while you’re together, just keep going, don’t stop and wait for him to finish greeting. You’ll make the person curious about you or put your married man under pressure to introduce you, neither of which is a good thing. Remember, you don’t ‘exist’, so your best strategy at this point is to just ‘miss’. Let him meet you at the car or find you afterwards.
- Do understand his routines, and be clear on when he’s likely to be with his family. Adjust your communication accordingly. This is not the time to call or send a text or WhatsApp messages. If you really need to reach him, and it better be something important, you can both agree on an innocuous message that you can send to him when there’s an emergency and he’ll find the best time to call you or respond. Do not misuse this SOS method for when you’re just lonely and need someone to talk to. Get a cat for that. Unless you’re looking to put your married man in trouble.
- Don’t expect him to treat you like his wife. You are NOT his wife. Take what he gives and if you can’t handle that, then leave. Don’t try to force him to give you more. Let him decide on his own to give you more.
- Don’t get comfortable with the relationship. It is NOT permanent. He can end it anytime. He might get attacked by guilt or by his angry wife, and decide he wants to do the ‘right’ thing. Or he might meet another girl that he’d rather make his side chick. So you must always be ready for the possibility that you’ll become ‘obsolete’.
- Do be clear with him from the onset about the boundaries of your relationship. If you can deal with being one of many other girls in his life, that’s great. But if you can’t and the only person you’re willing to share him with is his wife, then be clear on that from the onset, so that if he has a problem, you guys can kill it right there. If he’s happy to go on, make sure he understands that the minute he decides to ‘dabble’ into other ‘things’, you’ll take that as a sign that he’s ready to move on. Try to do this in a non-threatening way, so that he doesn’t misinterpret it as you being arrogant or dictatorial.
- Do bear in mind that you will come second to everything else. If his family calls, he’s gone. If the ‘boys’ call, he’s gone. If work calls, he sure as hell will go. You’re an ‘extra’ in his life, not the main order. He can usually do without you. So get your head around this, and try not to compete for first position. It’s a losing battle.
- Don’t ever EVER criticise his wife, even if he does. If he chooses to talk to you about her and a possibly rocky marriage, put away your selfish thoughts and encourage him to see her (and the marriage) in a better light. If you don’t have anything good to say, or if you can’t pretend, then do not offer an opinion. You’re already disrespecting her enough by being with him. Don’t add to that by saying things that will make her look bad. You might find that as time goes on, he might confide in you more and you will become more than just a side-chick. You might actually become his friend and be able to add more value to his life than just whatever it is you guys had been doing.
- Don’t cut yourself off from your friends or circles that might afford you an opportunity to find a single man of your own. Whether you like it or not, this man is taken and you should be on the lookout for your own someone. Make sure you make time for yourself to go out and do the things you love. And make purposeful efforts to meet people. This will send the message that you are not desperate and it would also mean that you are not completely dependent on your married man for fun and companionship (especially on those days when he suddenly cancels on you, or those days when you’re not part of his plan). It’s up to you to decide if you want to get involved with someone else while you’re with him. If you can handle it, then do so. But it’s not advisable. If you meet someone that you think you want to try things with, let him know and end the side relationship there. Most men are possessive, even of their side chicks. So the chances that your married man will be okay with you dating another person while with him are very slim. Hypocritical of them I know, but that’s just the way they are – they like to eat their cake and have it.
- Don’t plan to get pregnant without his knowledge. In fact, don’t plan to get pregnant at all. Not unless you’ve both discussed it and are both fine with it (which is a rare occurrence). Bringing a baby into the equation complicates everything, for you and for him. Chances are that he’ll ask you to get rid of it, cos he’s not about to ruin his marriage or have a lasting reminder of his ‘indiscretion’. Even if he doesn’t ask you to be rid of it, think about yourself and how you’ll struggle to explain it to your family and/or friends. Remember that you cannot marry him, so that potential solution is not available. Of course, if you think you can handle the situation, then go ahead. Good luck!
- Do hold a bit of yourself back. It’s okay to care (deeply) about him but try to keep a bit of you left for you. Don’t go all in, especially because it is not a permanent relationship. Even if you fall completely in love with him, try not to let him know how badly you’ve fallen, so that he doesn’t start to take you for granted or assume that you cannot leave him. Holding back will also help you limit (lower) your expectations and you’re able to deal with shortcomings or disappointments a little better. Besides, if you’re completely emotionally unavailable, you might be subconsciously pushing other guys away. Not good in the long run.
- Most importantly, Do know when to let go. If he says it’s over, then it’s over. Try to move on. Don’t cling. Don’t hold on. Don’t fall into the trap of telling yourself that you can just be friends. Let it end there. Finished. Kaput. You’ve got to make sure that he doesn’t for one second think that you’re still available to him. Otherwise, he’ll just take you for granted, and use you when it’s convenient. Limit the amount of time you spend with him, and if you can stop it altogether, then that’s a better option. It’s ok to answer his calls and say a quick hello. But don’t go out for drinks or just to hang out. Don’t do nothing for old time’s sake. Old time didn’t ask you for any favours. Do yourself one and keep away. Well away.
Now, I’m not sure how to end this, cos I sure as hell cannot say ‘enjoy being a side-chick!’, But I will say this – even if you are a side chick now, don’t plan to be one indefinitely. Know when to call it quits and do so, for your own sanity and self-respect.
Would you consider being a side chick? Or have you been one? Tell us using the comments section or share any other tips you have.