Dos and Donts Of Being A Side Chick

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After giving the guys some tips for keeping a side chick one post or so ago, I promised to share some for those women out there who happen to be side-chicks either by design or by mistake. Today I’m keeping my promise. Ladies, being a side-chick is not the easiest thing to do, not least…

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After giving the guys some tips for keeping a side chick one post or so ago, I promised to share some for those women out there who happen to be side-chicks either by design or by mistake. Today I’m keeping my promise.

Ladies, being a side-chick is not the easiest thing to do, not least because of the criticism and harsh judgements that will come to you. Add that to the fact that you most likely have to keep your relationship under wraps, you can’t admit that you have a man and you also struggle to say that you don’t have a man. It’s not a nice feeling or place to be. However, you can still make the best of the situation, and below are a few pointers for doing just that.

  • Do learn how to ‘disappear’ during key moments. This is one of your most important tasks as a side chick – the art of being non-existent. So, when he runs into someone he knows while you’re together, just keep going, don’t stop and wait for him to finish greeting. You’ll make the person curious about you or put your married man under pressure to introduce you, neither of which is a good thing. Remember, you don’t ‘exist’, so your best strategy at this point is to just ‘miss’. Let him meet you at the car or find you afterwards.
  • Do understand his routines, and be clear on when he’s likely to be with his family. Adjust your communication accordingly. This is not the time to call or send a text or WhatsApp messages. If you really need to reach him, and it better be something important, you can both agree on an innocuous message that you can send to him when there’s an emergency and he’ll find the best time to call you or respond. Do not misuse this SOS method for when you’re just lonely and need someone to talk to. Get a cat for that. Unless you’re looking to put your married man in trouble.
  • Don’t expect him to treat you like his wife. You are NOT his wife. Take what he gives and if you can’t handle that, then leave. Don’t try to force him to give you more. Let him decide on his own to give you more.
  • Don’t get comfortable with the relationship. It is NOT permanent. He can end it anytime. He might get attacked by guilt or by his angry wife, and decide he wants to do the ‘right’ thing. Or he might meet another girl that he’d rather make his side chick. So you must always be ready for the possibility that you’ll become ‘obsolete’.
  • Do be clear with him from the onset about the boundaries of your relationship. If you can deal with being one of many other girls in his life, that’s great. But if you can’t and the only person you’re willing to share him with is his wife, then be clear on that from the onset, so that if he has a problem, you guys can kill it right there. If he’s happy to go on, make sure he understands that the minute he decides to ‘dabble’ into other ‘things’, you’ll take that as a sign that he’s ready to move on. Try to do this in a non-threatening way, so that he doesn’t misinterpret it as you being arrogant or dictatorial.
  • Do bear in mind that you will come second to everything else. If his family calls, he’s gone. If the ‘boys’ call, he’s gone. If work calls, he sure as hell will go. You’re an ‘extra’ in his life, not the main order. He can usually do without you. So get your head around this, and try not to compete for first position. It’s a losing battle.
  • Don’t ever EVER criticise his wife, even if he does. If he chooses to talk to you about her and a possibly rocky marriage, put away your selfish thoughts and encourage him to see her (and the marriage) in a better light. If you don’t have anything good to say, or if you can’t pretend, then do not offer an opinion. You’re already disrespecting her enough by being with him. Don’t add to that by saying things that will make her look bad. You might find that as time goes on, he might confide in you more and you will become more than just a side-chick. You might actually become his friend and be able to add more value to his life than just whatever it is you guys had been doing.
  • Don’t cut yourself off from your friends or circles that might afford you an opportunity to find a single man of your own. Whether you like it or not, this man is taken and you should be on the lookout for your own someone. Make sure you make time for yourself to go out and do the things you love. And make purposeful efforts to meet people. This will send the message that you are not desperate and it would also mean that you are not completely dependent on your married man for fun and companionship (especially on those days when he suddenly cancels on you, or those days when you’re not part of his plan). It’s up to you to decide if you want to get involved with someone else while you’re with him. If you can handle it, then do so. But it’s not advisable. If you meet someone that you think you want to try things with, let him know and end the side relationship there. Most men are possessive, even of their side chicks. So the chances that your married man will be okay with you dating another person while with him are very slim. Hypocritical of them I know, but that’s just the way they are – they like to eat their cake and have it.
  • Don’t plan to get pregnant without his knowledge. In fact, don’t plan to get pregnant at all. Not unless you’ve both discussed it and are both fine with it (which is a rare occurrence). Bringing a baby into the equation complicates everything, for you and for him. Chances are that he’ll ask you to get rid of it, cos he’s not about to ruin his marriage or have a lasting reminder of his ‘indiscretion’. Even if he doesn’t ask you to be rid of it, think about yourself and how you’ll struggle to explain it to your family and/or friends. Remember that you cannot marry him, so that potential solution is not available. Of course, if you think you can handle the situation, then go ahead. Good luck!
  • Do hold a bit of yourself back. It’s okay to care (deeply) about him but try to keep a bit of you left for you. Don’t go all in, especially because it is not a permanent relationship. Even if you fall completely in love with him, try not to let him know how badly you’ve fallen, so that he doesn’t start to take you for granted or assume that you cannot leave him. Holding back will also help you limit (lower) your expectations and you’re able to deal with shortcomings or disappointments a little better. Besides, if you’re completely emotionally unavailable, you might be subconsciously pushing other guys away. Not good in the long run.
  • Most importantly, Do know when to let go. If he says it’s over, then it’s over. Try to move on. Don’t cling. Don’t hold on. Don’t fall into the trap of telling yourself that you can just be friends. Let it end there. Finished. Kaput. You’ve got to make sure that he doesn’t for one second think that you’re still available to him. Otherwise, he’ll just take you for granted, and use you when it’s convenient. Limit the amount of time you spend with him, and if you can stop it altogether, then that’s a better option. It’s ok to answer his calls and say a quick hello. But don’t go out for drinks or just to hang out. Don’t do nothing for old time’s sake. Old time didn’t ask you for any favours. Do yourself one and keep away. Well away.

Now, I’m not sure how to end this, cos I sure as hell cannot say ‘enjoy being a side-chick!’, But I will say this – even if you are a side chick now, don’t plan to be one indefinitely. Know when to call it quits and do so, for your own sanity and self-respect.

Would you consider being a side chick? Or have you been one? Tell us using the comments section or share any other tips you have.

Cheers!

Responses

  1. GUCCI-BERRY
    I don’t totally agree with you on the side chick bits, that was your viewpoint from someone who has a man and really wants to believe that the side chick is the one receiving ” hand me downs”. Am jus sayin if this helps you sleep well at night then cool. have u met some Side chicks? U will even be thinking or wishing it is an occupation or part time job..jus being hyperbolic. Nonetheless some of the tins u said are true..jus stating
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    1. MissO Post author
      thank you for reading 🙂
      As always, there’s more than one side to a story. So, you are right in pointing out the fact that being the other woman isn’t always about ‘hand me downs’. I think it all depends on the man, and how/what he thinks of her. A good number of men treat their side chicks very well.
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  2. Mayree
    This has to be the saddest and most derogattory titbits on taking up a role. Trust me, this is no shade to the piece in itself but the thought of prepping oneself to be it; whether planned or not. It’s just too much work. As if the stress of making an “official relationship” work was not enough. lol
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    1. MissO Post author
      I feel you
      The truth is every relationship, illicit or appropriate, is work. And as silly as it sounds, there are lots of ladies who never thought they would be side chicks, who have now fallen into that hole. The sad part is that ‘hole’ is bound by rules – whether said or unsaid. In a different society, at a different time, being an official mistress was actually ‘lucrative’ and i use that word loosely.
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    1. MissO Post author
      For what it’s worth , i think you’re very brave.And strong. Anyone in this situation has to be both these things to be able to deal, unless it’s just a quick side thing.
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  3. Larz
    How about this? When you guys break don’t have pity on the wife and decide the best gift you can give her is your confession.

    It seems to be the theme of most ex-side chics messages tin Efe on Saturday’s naked convos

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    1. Bukola
      This should actually be the ultimate rule. Do not carry your restitution near the poor wife. It’s just rude and disrespectful.
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  4. Anonymous
    As someone who fell into the side chic role…
    This is a long story, I would try to summarize it.
    We were friends for years, I knew he was married even though I had never met his family. First kiss was 2 years after I met him. I thought to myself while it was happening that is was just perfunctory till I heard “kiss me like you mean it” and I found myself getting into it.
    First time we had sex was a year after “the kiss” mind you, no kisses in between this.
    I think it was the day he introduced me to his friend as his girlfriend and I immediately said no I’m not his girlfriend, he replied she’s my chic, I responded “no” that was the day I realized the role I had been playing and I gave him the best sex we ever had and that was the end for me.
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  5. Lizzy
    All I can say is that it is the loneliest place I’ve ever found myself in. Now that he’s done with me, I have to pick myself back up, go through the fire until this heart of mine heals. I fell in love with him…fell so hard…he knew oh so well…that’s when he started taking me for granted. I know it’s easier said than done but DON’T EVER mess with a married man…RUN FAST when you meet one who’s making advances. I never set out to be a side chick but I became one….a very “bad one” because I didn’t understand all the rules…every do & don’t listed on the entry above is true – in my own experience. I just was not the right candidate…I didn’t know my “place” – I didn’t call at odd times or anything, didn’t expect that he was going to leave his wife or anything…no disrespect etc. I just could never get used to him having to leave…It was hard to say goodbye. It hurt all the time and our separations were always sad…I was always sad. That is why he has broken up with me because apparently my separation anxiety is going to cost him a lot. Don’t do this if you’re like me…find your own man.
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    1. Jenny
      wow, sorry you’re going through this…I didn’t know my dude was married until a year and half later…now I’m at my ends with it and he’s not trying to hear that. He swears that by December he will be divorced and I’m at the point where I’m numb and really don’t care about a real relationship. It feels horrible and I’m miserable all the time. This was my first time sticking around and it will be my last! I hope things have gotten better for you! Being a side chick is the dumbest thing I’ve entertained. Unless you are ok with just tangible benefits and don’t care for a realationship…this side thing is not a good thing in the long run.
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  6. LA
    I completely understand all of what was said in the article as I unknowingly became the side-chick. I didn’t know that he was with someone yet not married to her for a very long period of time. I had to find out on my own by snooping on social media. I did confront him because I absolutely hate being lied to. I suck at lying so I’m a straightforward person and tell everything like it is even if there is a cost. He would and still says things that make me think he may leave her sometime but I never ask him if he will. I truly hate when he leaves and I know he hates when he leaves. The worst part is I am a single mother and my son is getting to know him. The side chick isn’t always about sex. Though it is a large part. In my case, he has taken care of me when I was sick, he’s offered to help by food when I’ve been short on cash (I’ve never taken any from him though), he’s come over and just sat and hung out at times too. It is hard emotionally and mentally to be a side chick. Would I do it all over if I knew about his main girl? Probably not. But at this point, I also don’t feel like putting myself out there to find someone else and I also care about him more than I will ever admit to anyone including myself.
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  7. NeverAgain
    As a current side chick. I fell hard. I am a married woman and he is a married man so we both have way too much to loose. I have children and am a grandmother, his wife is pregnant. It is a hard spot. I obey the rules and so does he thanks to Snapchat and those disappearing messages. The separation is hard at times. Now he is beginning to ignore my wants so I am backing off. I want him to be happy with his wife and their first child so as I see he stuff posted on social media. I know he is ecstatic over it. But when I back off he pulls me back in with gifts and time. It’s hard to just completely separate. Not sure how we got here. We have been friends for 8 years and just became sexual this year.
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  8. Me
    Great article some truth to it. I’ve been with my man for 10years. However still see my “first” from 25 years ago on the side the past 3 years. My ex from 25 yrs ago has been married for 10 years. So we are both with our partners the same amount of time. We both have 3 kids each with our partners. We both have no plans to leave our partners. Am I still considered a side chick? Not that the terminology actually defines me but I’m trying understand these days how these things are interpreted. Would we just be cheaters? Having an affair? Idk. I like our arrangemement the past 3 years and have no intention of stopping it. If I’m the “side chick so be it , then I love being his side chick.
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  9. Uh huh
    Soooo what if he wont admit that you’re the side chick? I mean I am sure that I am. But he won’t say it, always saying he wants me and can leave his situation whenever. I don’t have the energy or time to devote to a full on relationship cuz I run 2 businesses and have kids to raise. He says hes “waiting” on me, but I’m not about to go all in on a man that may not do the same for me when the time comes. Do I lay it out there that I know my role and that he doesn’t have to keep playing the game? I’d rather he just be straight with me.
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