Forget Yoruba Demons, The Friend Zone Bandits Are In Town

Opinion

I’m glad all the fuss about Yoruba demons is finally dying down (at least I think it is). I’ve watched from the sidelines as this term continued to gain popularity over the last couple of years and wondered who to thank for this unprecedented mastery and display of the art of misdirection. I’m sure you’re…

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I’m glad all the fuss about Yoruba demons is finally dying down (at least I think it is). I’ve watched from the sidelines as this term continued to gain popularity over the last couple of years and wondered who to thank for this unprecedented mastery and display of the art of misdirection. I’m sure you’re wondering what on earth I’m talking about.

For all the talk about Yoruba demons and the evil they perpetrate, I have strong grounds to believe that a greater, more dastardly, group exists among men.

Enter the Friend Zone Bandits.

To fully understand the power members of this group possess; their characteristics and capabilities, let us begin by defining the term ‘friend zone’ as it relates to men. The friend zone is that dreaded place of no return for most guys. It’s that title a woman (you have feelings for) confers on you when she concludes that she can and will never have a sustained relationship (especially of the physical kind) with you. I highlighted some words because as you can imagine, there are variations to this term.

I used the term ‘physical kind’ because it is very possible for a woman to friend zone you after making out with you. Heck, y’all can even go as far as having sex before she decides to lock you up in this dreaded zone. This brings us to the second term ‘sustained’. It is important to highlight the fact that even though you’ve had something physical with this person whose friend zone you’re in, it’s never ever for long – in most instances, it’s always that one time thing. They make this ‘mistake’ once, realize you’re only good to keep as a friend and BOOM, bye-bye boobies. But as we also know, one of the obvious signs of being in a friend zone is the fact that you can look but you can’t touch except maybe with a shaving stick. And so, with this, I’m sure you can confidently tell who is and who isn’t currently in your friend zone. Good.

How does one defy every single thing I said above while still remaining in the friend zone? Well, that’s exactly what a friend zone bandit does and that is why I consider them to be the greatest of all demons sent to plague women on earth. To all the women reading, remember all of those guys you confirmed were in your friend zone when you started reading? Now take a mental note of how many of them you’ve had physical dealings with more than once; even after you made up your mind to friend zone them. Got it? Those are your friend zone bandits.

Enter denial.

Some of the greatest con artists ever have admitted to using a trick, which sees them telling you how they’ll con you upon your first encounter with them. But because of the way the human mind is built, often times we dismiss this unsolicited warning until the con is executed and we are left to reflect on mistakes made. It is this ‘glitch’, if you will, that the friend zone bandits ride on to con their mark. What I’m saying to you is this: not everyone in your friend zone got there because you put them there, some of them got there because they wanted to be there.

The next question is why? Why would anyone want to risk losing everything? Well, with greater risks come greater rewards. When you’re in your friend zone, your defenses are down, you let go of your guard and exist in possibly your most vulnerable state. How many times have you cried around this person? How many times have you told them things you’ve never told anyone? How many times have you gotten wasted around them? How many times have they ‘seen’ private parts of your body? And finally, how many times have you gone on to make out or have sex with them… just because.

Enter anger.

Of course things always go back to ‘normal’ right after the deed is done. In fact, sometimes, you’ll notice just how vocal Mr. Friend Zone Bandit is about how what y’all did/are doing isn’t quite right. He’ll blame himself saying he should learn to exercise more control but is he really being honest? Does he not know you get extremely horny when your period is approaching? Did he not know you’ve been feeling extra emotional lately because you just found out your ex got in a new relationship? Did he not suggest you come over to his place to watch some new movies just to get your ex off your mind? Did he not cook for you like he knows you like your men to? Did he not have that bottle of sweet Moscato you love already waiting on ice before you got there? How thoughtful, right?

Enter acceptance.

In university, I took a course on Game Theory. Here’s a short definition of what it is:

The branch of mathematics concerned with the analysis of strategies for dealing with competitive situations where the outcome of a participant’s choice of action depends critically on the actions of other participants

Ladies and gentlemen, friend zone bandits have gamefied this thing called (physical) relationships and they’ve managed to completely destroy the rule books. Hold on a second. Before you run off to arrest your bandit, you might want to read my last post on regret here. Personally, I think if anyone would go through this length to get with you and you didn’t know – sure, it can be very unsettling – but just imagine having someone this cunning in your corner. They’re already your friend and they’ve probably seen you at your lowest points (heck, they might now be responsible for it too), so it won’t be hard recruiting them as your personal bullshit detector when it comes to other guys.

This is my theory and though I can’t provide evidence as I don’t know the facts behind every relationship, I’ve tested it out and many have come to tell me they’ve encountered a few friend zone bandits. If you’re one of such people, please share your experience below in the comment section and if not, let me get your thoughts on the post. Express you.

Responses

  1. ONE
    Oga Tula, why u go just dey blow our whistle like this na, e no good ooo. How much them go give u sef.. U con even mention our book of play(the game theory) haba…this is just wrong..
  2. Lola
    Yes!
    We need to talk about the ones that steal your heart too not just your body. As the BFF, he not only knows you like Moscato, he knows everything about you and will use it to cement his place in your heart. Your walls are already down so you won’t realise it until his hands are wrapped around your precious little heart. You think he is the mumu but no… you are the mumu. He played the gentle man and you fell for it. Smh. These ones are worse than the ones that just want meaningless knacks. They want knacks from the deepest part of your heart and soul. You can’t convert these ones for any form of good. These ones come to steal kill and destroy. Delete them today.
  3. G B
    Boss, you just described my (ex?) girlfriend perfectly! See, she has this “best-friend.” The part of me that isn’t more than a bit pissed that he’s been shagging the hell out of her for years admires his game; she still thinks he’s just a nice guy who has stood by her through so much. I’ve heard her “we’re just friends” spiel so often I don’t even feel anything anymore when they’re having yet another hour-long video call. I don’t bother myself anymore with wondering whether they’re having a thing behind my back. If I didn’t totally despise his soul, I’d have asked him for pointers.
    It’s a great con, this friend-zone banditry. I recommend that shit!
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Damn.. Felt bad for you while reading this.. Take heart bro.. This con is indeed an art but not for all, you can also get too carried away with it and it becomes your life.. Sorta how con artists struggle to quit the game.
      1. G B
        This article just started a (long-overdue) fight between us. I don’t think our relationship will survive it from the way it’s going. Singledom, here I come!
  4. Similicious
    Whether the physical kind or the others, my policy is once you enter that zone, you stay there… forever!!!. Oh! HAPPY BIRTHDAY THETOOLSMAN
  5. Brains
    wow……nice 1 d author of this article but I need to point out a couple of things
    1st thing i wana point out is tge fact that the author of this article is one of us(friend zone bandit) you can deny it but deep down yu know its who you are.Game always recognizes game.
    2ndly some of us are this way not because we want but because by default its who we are we sometime start off by being innocently nice and den one thing leads to another and we find ourselves playing the same game over again when we realise that we are now a friend zone bandit we can stop cause remember we re really nice and don’t want to hurt your feeling by leaving so we stick in the friend zone
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Thanks for reading.. And on that takes one to know one tip.. Possible.. maybe when I was in the world though.. On your second point about doing this from a place of love/not wanting to hurt your victim, I call BS. If you truly love this person, once you realize what you’ve done, you should own it, step up and let them know.. if they truly love you in return, they’ll forgive you no?
      1. Bkd
        Oga toolsman, you and this your “world” that you used to be in, I no understand oh. What world are you in now? The Martian world?
        Anyways, I enjoy your articles a lot but sometimes I feel you playing the nice guy card too much that it’s hurting us.
        Abeg no dey expose all our secrets. The friend zone is the only place where the risks of being (falsely) tagged rapist and players are minimal.
        Tula, please I’m begging you.
        Enjoy it sha
      2. Bkd
        One last thing… I hope you’re not planning on writing about the GLF tricks ooo. Then we go come take take am personal. You have exposed enough.
        What are you? Assange?
        Abeg ooo
        1. thetoolsman Post author
          Does GLF mean what I think it does? If yes, I might have already written about it.. And like I always say, I write these things, they read them but don’t worry, they never listen.. Some things in life are meant to happen, if not, how will you learn?
      3. Bkd
        One last thing… I hope you’re not planning on writing about the GLF tricks ooo. Then we go come take take am personal. You have exposed enough.
        What are you? Assange?
        Abeg ooo
  6. Larz
    Happy Birthday @thetoolsman

    Kai- you have spoilt business for the playas out there. Are you trying to repent before your daughter isn’t of age (PS- not sure if you have a daughter/ son).

    Great article. I never fell victim of a friend zone bandit. I respect the game though. It is the kindness of game that can go a long time without the girl knowing wassap. I have a friend that I suspect is on this parole. Sending it to him now. KO- i see you oh

    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Thanks Larz… Not trying to spoil business o, if anything, this will even help their business. And maybe I’m writing these posts as little wisdom nuggets for my daughter.. maybe… 🙂
  7. O
    This article only speaks to me in part. Especially with respect to friends with benefits arrangements.

    I’m cool, honest and nice. And not to toot my own horn, I’m better than the average boyfriend out there.

    A girl who’s had her fair share of lies, heartbreaks, bad sex and confidence wrecking relationships sees a friends with benefits arrangement with a guy like me as a better alternative. Especially because they’re on her terms. She can always count on the friendship and the “benefits” are almost on demand too. Great sex isn’t the only thing on offer though – advice, empathy, massages, good company, a place to unwind and laze about, etc.

    That said, I know emotional attachments can be formed. I’ve seen some ladies being. “dickmatized” and they want more. More which can’t be offered for very valid reasons.

    I took a break from it and got into committed relationships which didn’t work out. I got out and some friends with benefits happened again. But now, unlike when I was really in that zone, I’ve discouraged it very much.
    Even at that, I’ve had instances where ladies insist that they know what’s up and they know what they’re getting into.
    You can’t really blame a guy when he’s with a woman who’s exercising her power of choice. Especially when it works in his favour.
    And like they say, it’s hard to a resist a “bad” boy who is a good man.

    1. Larz
      Ladies and gentlemen especially the single ladies, KO in the house
      – you can’t just sneak in here without introducing yourself properly
        1. Larz
          My friend KO the friend zone bandit. See my first comment. He responded as O to give us first hand alternative view from the other side
          1. O or KO in this case
            lol Larz. See as you’re opening my yansh in the before of everybody.
            I like to kid myself that I offer a very important social service (na joke o).

            After all is said and done, this guy just wants someone who will give and add value as much as he does. Sometimes, circumstances, experience or time stifle that. And like they say, “when the desirable is not available, the available (sometimes) becomes desirable”.

  8. Sisi
    It’s funny how people do this to the wrong people , the ones who truly love them they hurt so bad, a quote I formed for these type of guys ” A diamond that ‘s not taken care of ,will either be lost or stolen , either ways there is a change in ownership” I hope karma meets up and their wives put their hearts through many aches when they gets married .
    It’s really really bad
  9. Esq
    This whole thing makes my sides hurt from laughing. Isn’t friendzoning the default weapon of women who want to eat their cake and have it at the same darn time. Now the goons have decoded the game and turned the tables and i’m seeing cries of hurt, please miss me with that.
    If you friendzone someone(usually a choice), don’t cry don’t beg when his bandit skills come to the fore and he out-smarts you. He who comes to equity must come with clean hands
  10. Fae
    Okay thank you “tattletale @thetoolsman . And to all the Friend-zone bandits out there(one of whom i’m obviously not) I say “rest easy brothers, for you of all men know that its ladies, and they will read but not listen” half of them will just reach the denial stage and stay there. i admit to doing exactly this (lol. was unaware there was a name for it at the time tho) and even openly admitting to doing just this to said “victim(s?). Intriguing people ladies are tho, wouldnt go past the denial stage, but oh well, who am i to complain right?? 😀

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