Hera’s Words: A Journey to Closure

Opinion

This is a lengthy read so I apologize in advance. The thing about closure is that you don’t always get it and that’s okay. But if you do get it…I really don’t have the words to explain it. It’s just…closure; a chance to really get on with your life without ever wondering why a particular…

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This is a lengthy read so I apologize in advance.

The thing about closure is that you don’t always get it and that’s okay. But if you do get it…I really don’t have the words to explain it. It’s just…closure; a chance to really get on with your life without ever wondering why a particular relationship didn’t work out. It relieves you of any self-blame you may have deemed yourself responsible of and no matter how gracefully you’d done that, trust me when I tell you it’s feels good to know, especially when you didn’t know what had gone wrong in something that seemed so right.

I never really had an answer when people asked me “why didn’t your last relationship work out? You guys really seemed to be in love”, especially if they asked me after reading my post-heartbreak piece on here. My answer was always based on what I knew, which wasn’t a lot. All I could really offer them was that Mother was the reason, but nothing more. Even to those who pressed, I couldn’t tell them much except that I guessed Mother became jealous of the new No. 1 woman in my life. She had lashed out and it hurt me that I didn’t fully understand what had caused Hera and I to break up. I didn’t know but I had respected her decision, even though I hadn’t understood it.

Not too long ago, Hera sent this to me and I cried. Not just because I finally saw things through her eyes, but because I understood.

I’d like to share this with you too…

____

Every day I pick my laptop and try to write, but nothing ever seems to come forth, nothing makes sense and I give up again, just like the day before and the ones before that. I’m guilty of being a hypocrite because I remember I always told you that even when you felt you had a ‘block’, you should just write and though it doesn’t seem to make sense at first, it just might in the end.

I guess I understand how you felt now.

I’ve prolonged writing this mostly because I felt it would be like re-opening wounds I just want to heal but the truth is, this might just be the only way I may be able to fully heal.

I read your piece.

I read how what happened between us has become so bittersweet.

I read how you still hurt.

I read how you’re trying to move on and for some reason it’s hard.

I read the comments also. I read how your ‘fans’ hate me. I read how they think I’m a despicable person *chuckle*

I read it all.
But most importantly I read your version of events.

I read the truth from your eyes and it made me cry on most nights but on others it made me angry with you, especially with the way you portrayed me with half-truths.

There are always three versions of a story; yours, mine and the truth. Unfortunately, time travel hasn’t been invented just yet so no one else can experience what really happened to us but this is my version of events, my truth…

I remember grinning to different cameras on the day that I’ve deemed ‘the beginning of the end’. I remember smiling so much because I was too excited. It wasn’t just because I was graduating but because we were graduating together and though it had seemed like it would never happen, there we were. You weren’t there-there per say but you were somewhere with your parents I thought.

Your parents.

I was yet to meet your mother and in some ways was looking forward to finally meeting her seeing as I had met everyone else with the exception of your sister who isn’t in the country. I had felt that as we were about to start a new chapter of our lives, it was only proper I met her and also because you had already met my whole family. Hell, you were already considered one of us. Lol. Boy was I in for it.
I had just said the 100th thank you when I finally saw you and I insisted that we go meet your family. Walking down there seemed to take forever. I was an embodiment of different brawling emotions ranging from fear to uncertainty and a bit of worry. You had told me how ‘different’ your mother could be. I knew this first hand as I had always been your listening ear and shoulder when you were on ‘exile’. I had an idea what to expect but I chose the benefit of the doubt. Hell, I prayed for it as I walked towards the canopy where she sat surrounded by the group of elderly women, grandmothers and aunties. As I approached her I rethought my decision of meeting her but I knew I had to so I put up my best smile and knelt by her side. She turned to look at me but ignored me and continued to what seemed like a very important discussion.

That was my cue or so I thought and I withdrew, knowing from experience that when women were talking it was only wise not to interrupt. I got up and greeted your dad, who was always the more welcoming one and he teased me by calling me ‘our wife’. You stood by my side and we laughed about it. We didn’t try to disclaim what he said because we had plans and the future we saw together featured me being called that in the end. We chatted for a bit, all three of us until I excused myself to greet a mutual friend’s mother. She sat typing on her phone close the circle of elderly women and I sat by her side and smiled. We began to talk and I thanked her for making my days in school worthwhile. She baked and her cakes were very well known and loved by many. She laughed as I tried to explain this to her amidst shy smiles and laughter but our friendly conversation was interrupted by words that till this day still haunts me.

“So you can sit down and talk to someone like this abi? You can have a conversation with another human being?” I looked up in confusion to the face of your mother. She seemed very upset but I didn’t understand why. I turned to the lady beside me hoping for an explanation but she was as confused as I was. I turned back to your mum as she continued.

“Do you think this is proper? Is this how you were trained? This is not the way things are meant to be done.” She walked away quickly before I could speak.

“Go after her and apologise” the lady beside me said.

I stood and ran after her looking around to find you hoping you could explain to me what had just happened, but you were nowhere in sight. I caught up with her and tried to apologise but she wouldn’t listen to me. I tried to explain that I really wasn’t sure what my offence was and I was truly sorry for it but she walked away from me and left me standing there…. alone. I was too ashamed to walk back to the canopy because all the women who had seemed so deeply interested in their previous chats now watched me ever so closely. I stood there watching your mum as she walked away. Words couldn’t and still can’t explain how I felt. They probably never will. I wanted the ground to open up and save me. I wanted to run as fast as I could and maybe if I was lucky I could run as fast as the speed of light and travel back in time before all that happened. Maybe I could’ve stopped myself from even going there. Maybe I could’ve handled things differently. Maybe I could’ve seen what she saw that got her so upset. Maybe I could’ve understood.

Maybe, just maybe. But I’m not a quantum mechanic and I’m definitely not the flash.
I began to walk away, no destination in mind, I just didn’t want to be there anymore. I heard my name and I turned to find you walking towards me and in that instant I hated you. I hated that you weren’t there to protect me. I hated that you didn’t know what had just happened. I hated that you were smiling, even as the smile immediately disappeared, replaced by a look of confusion and concern once you saw my expression. I hated you so much and even when you asked what was wrong I didn’t even know how to explain it all to you so I just told you to ask your friend who stood by his mum under that canopy. I walked away without looking back. With so much shame and hurt. I hid myself to cry that day. I couldn’t explain what had happened to anyone. Hell I didn’t know how. So I withdrew from everyone. The only defence mechanism that had worked for me over the years. The only way I knew how to heal. Hell the only way I knew how to forgive.

So I convinced myself that it never happened and maybe just maybe I had dreamed it all. I thought it was over but of course I was wrong yet again.The next day was quite a blur as I buried myself in any and all the activities the school had set aside for us and avoided you to the best of my ability.

It worked.

I refused to think about what had happened, putting on a mask that said I was okay. Sunday was thanksgiving and I, amongst everyone, was looking forward to it. We sang and danced like never before. I still have clips from that Sunday. We were all so happy, beaming with smiles. If our faces could extend to become lips alone from all our smiles, I’m pretty sure they would have done so. I had spent the night before talking myself into forgetting, telling myself I loved you and nothing your mother could do would change that. I was going to love you forever if I could.

That was our plan. Always and forever. 

We danced, laughed together and made up. I remember holding your hand to pray. I asked God to keep what we had. What we had was special beyond human comprehension. And in your words we had something that most couples only dreamed about. But I begged him not to let me get blinded by my emotions that I wouldn’t obey His will. I feared the future but I knew I didn’t want a future without you.

It was a good day, really. The best. For. Those. Two. Hours.

Then everything fell apart. My world crashed so quickly.

The service finished and everyone trooped out to take as many pictures as they could. It was our final service in that place after all and everyone wanted memories. Plus, they also wanted an excuse to see if they had outshined the next person in their traditional attire. While still trying to find as many friends as we could to save memories, we found your dad and he said they had come to thank God also. We had laughed at the way he said that. I asked about your mother and he told us she was sitting on the other end of the chapel. I needed to know because I wanted to apologize.

I needed to.

I really wasn’t sure what had happened but I felt if she thought I had done something wrong then it was only proper of me to apologize. You thought otherwise and wanted me to let it go but I refused. I knew how important a mother is when it comes to the relationship of her son and her first son at that, and I knew how very clingy and difficult they could be so I knew the right thing to do would be to apologize.

At least I thought I knew.

I just didn’t want a situation where I would be on her wrong side and being with you would become a cause of dispute between you and your mom. I didn’t also want a situation where she would make our being together difficult. And most importantly I didn’t want a mother in-law who would hate me.

It took sometime but we found her by your family’s car. I greeted her and for the first time since we met she acknowledged my greeting. I was pleased. I thought that maybe I was forgiven and all that happened was behind us.

Then she began.

“If my daughter did what you did I would’ve beaten her mercilessly. I’m not really sure your parents trained you well, I honestly don’t think so because…..” she went on and on, her words stinging like a beaker of hydrochloric acid spilled on a paper cut.

It hurt. It hurt badly.

Remembering the details of that day has become more and more difficult as the days go by. The fact that it started so well only to end terribly gives me a good reason not to try. But I can never forget those thirty minutes by your family’s car as your mother rained curses and abuses on me, my parents and my home training, for reasons that till this day I still don’t know and I can never understand.
And you stood there right by my side without a single word. You didn’t even try to stop her. You didn’t even take me away. You didn’t even try to protect me or defend me.

You just stood there and watched. My Hero indeed.

Not. One. Word. Not one from you.

I blamed myself afterwards. I should never have convinced you to take me to her. But I felt I needed to apologize again. I felt it was the right thing to do seeing as she seemed genuinely upset. I felt that I really didn’t want any reason why our being together would be difficult. I didn’t want anyone to come between us. It’s funny now really, because everything I was trying to avoid happened.

I remember how your dad tried to defend me and even begged for her to stop on my behalf but your mother was relentless in making sure she could say as much hateful things as she could. I stood there listening to it all trying my possible best not to take it in else it would hurt more. But it was futile. All my efforts to protect myself, to ignore those stinging words….I just couldn’t.

I remember saying thank you when she was finally done and turning to walk away. I remember you grabbing my hand and saying you were sorry. But those words meant nothing to me. Those words made me feel worse than what your mother had just said to me. The fact that you could even speak when she was done made me just….I hated so much. I couldn’t look at you. All my suppressed emotions hung by the tears that stung my eyes. I fought them back as best as I could. It was thanksgiving after all, a day of rejoicing and celebration. A day that should’ve been filled with smiles and laughter. Well….should’ve.

I walked away from you that day with so much restrained pain. I remember that detail. It’s the only detail of June 28 that I can remember. If not for the videos recorded earlier I probably wouldn’t really remember how the day had gone. I had pretended to everyone that I was fine. I faked a smile and took pictures with anyone that approached me. Some could see that I wasn’t okay but I refused to speak. I kept saying I was okay. I kept lying to all my friends, all our friends. I just couldn’t bring myself to believe that that had happened a second time. That I had allowed myself to be spoken to in that manner and all the terrible things said about my parents I had just stood there to listen, too shocked to react.

It’s funny how everything can just got wrong within a twinkle of an eye. When you think you have your life all planned out and for some reason there is a different plan. From the universe? I’ll never really know. I guess it just shows that you can never really have what you want.

I did not write this to spite you, or blame you. I wrote this just so you could understand why I chose to leave. The future I saw with you became more unbearable for me to handle. The uncertainties attached to our being together pushed me farther away. The fear of having to deal with that over and over crippled every thought of me loving you freely. I tried to forget, I tried to move past that but I couldn’t. I really did try and even when I forgave you I just couldn’t bring myself to love as I once did.

Fear wouldn’t let me. Pain wouldn’t let me.

But the thought of losing you completely scared me even more. I loved you. Sometimes I think I still do, that is why I asked that we be friends. I just needed to have an excuse to be able to talk to you. You were my friend before all this began and I hoped we could find solace where we started from. I was wrong yet again. It seemed that was the only thing I was right with, being wrong all the time. If wishes were horses, right?

I tried to move on but I found myself looking for you in others. Even when I found someone else that gave me butterflies, I looked at him not seeing him but seeing you in him. That was the attraction. That was the key element that drew me to him. And even when we kissed I wanted it to be you so bad

But….. That didn’t work out so well in the end.

I wrote this just so I can finally heal. You see, you haven’t been the only one hurting, I have too. And I think it is finally time for me to start to let myself fully heal, to move on and not look back. The past may have some cherished and loving memories but those memories feel like nightmares to me now. I wish you the best in life and I would always be here for you if you need me but only as a friend.

Have a great life.

Forever and always,
Hera.

Responses

  1. Debloww
    O ga!

    As a senior colleague in this closure business, I want to say a lot of things but they are not nice. So I won’t say it. I hope you guys sort yourselves out. I hope y’all find healing. Closure too.

    You people are very deep though ahn ahn.

    1. Cavey Post author
      😂
      Deep bawo?
      Plix, don’t make me remind you that this is a safe place to say whatever you want to abi what kind of example are you showing the newbies? Do the TNC thing and “Express yourself” jare.
      Here’s your chapman 🍹
  2. Anonymous Aboki
    Wait, wait..you put this thing – that’s basically an indictment of your Mum, up?

    Kai, I’m not even sure what to say, as I thought this bit “..guessed Mother became jealous of the new No. 1 woman in my life..” was already bad, only to go ahead to read this entire tirade.

    Dude..

    All these for (puppy) love ehn? Y’all were in Uni for fuck’s sake. I think this was all a waste, a monumental one in fact, the entire shebang from start to finish. I’m sorry.

    How exactly did she expect you to defend her against your Mum? You gan, what exactly where you going to do – shut her up, walk away? For girlfriend o, girlfriend, not wife..

    I’m clearly struggling to wrap my head around this. Plus, it’s all desolation now – as even una memories now don turn nightmares, paraphrasing Hera..so, was it worth it, this closure?

    1. Nosa
      Lmaoooo.
      I am fairly certain that there are more effective ways to diffuse a delicate situation no matter how dicey it gets.

      But different strokes sha

    2. Cavey Post author
      Not like I don’t know what ‘indictment’ means, I’m just not quite clear if it’s meaning here and “you put it up?”
      And about the other part of your question, you know me fam, I moved on a long time ago. I didn’t need to know all the details to realise that I had to. But do I wish she never sent this? Nope. I’m glad she did ‘cos now I understand so yes, in a sense, it was worth it.
      Oh and it’s a lot more than ‘nightmares’ left for me as memories. I have loads of beautiful ones that eclipse the bad 🙂
      1. Anonymous Aboki
        So, you really don’t see how this traces the root of you guys’ woes to your Mum?

        I’m glad you’re glad o. Plus she said she’s available as a friend; in retrospect, that’s a win fam.

  3. Nosa
    Mai’gawd!!!!😂😂😂😂😂😂
    What in bloody Hades’ pants did i just read?

    I’m afraid i’m gonna have to swallow all my comments on this one because i even want to call everybody out, including your dad sef, the network provider Hera used to send this, the pastor in the church that day, the photographers, everybody.
    😂😂😂

    But summary of my gist is, Cavey, you failed both your mum and Hera.

    P.S see why i say you people should stop falling in love abi? But you will not hear.

  4. Nosa
    Also like she said; your side, her side and the truth.

    But if this is how you acted/behaved on both days, then she was right to leave you. Lmaooo, i even want thank her for doing so.

    Oh gawd, i can even imagine what happened after the graduation and before thanksgiving. And on the days af……..
    Nosa, shut up🤐🤐🤐

    1. Cavey Post author
      I really was gonna keep shut and overlook the first comment but after this, nah. I’m gonna try my best, difficult as it is, to be polite. If I fail…well I failed.

      You know what the funny thing is? It’s that you think you know and you don’t but you’re ‘smart’ so it’s okay to draw a conclusion based on what you know ‘cos how can you be wrong???
      Boy, it’s ‘cos we’re acquainted I’m this polite so I’m just gonna say this; be quick to hear (read) but slow to speak (comment).

  5. Ramatu
    This is heavy.

    Like Hera, I would have been hurt; as hell. Unlike Hera, I would have been mad too; as hell! I would have assumed the first incident was a clear case of misunderstanding. Having tried to apologize and been turned down, I wouldn’t have tried again. And I sure WOULDN’T have set myself up for the second embarrassing scene. I would most likely have broken up after the first incident, especially if we had ‘the future’ in our sites. I fit love you oh, but I no go become doormat because I wan dey with you. And finally, I would have been disappointed in you; disappointed that if you couldn’t prevent it, you did nothing to stop it.

    But…what do I know?

  6. Abiola

    Just so you know, wives don’t fall from from heaven, girlfriends often turn wives. She doesn’t have to be married to him before he protects her from the mother, he knows his mother best and could have in the very least prepared her beforehand . Am glad she broke up with him, saves both of them undue long term trauma. Protect who you love, wisely.
    1. Cavey Post author
      🙂
      I won’t tell you that it’s insensitive to be ‘glad’ she broke up with me because…well that’s not important. I will however, gently point you to these two points “…You had told me how ‘different’ your mother could be. I knew this first hand..”and “…You thought otherwise and wanted me to let it go but I refused…”. But I understand where your coming from. I still blame myself for letting her have her way and letting me let her go talk to mother in the first place but hey, lesson learnt.
      Thanks for reading, Abiola 💜
      1. Bee
        Only thing you should blame yourself for, is not protecting her. There are polite ways to stop your mum. So what would happen if a lion ate her up one day and you were in a position to help (whatever this means)? You will say you should have allowed her go out abi? I can only blame you for the thanksgiving day though..
  7. Oprah
    Wow! This is so damn complicated. I’ve got questions:
    What prompted your mom to act that way?
    Why didn’t you defend her and set your mom straight, even if it would have resulted in an argument?
    At that point in time, placating Hera, would have been almost impossible, but did you try to?
    1. Cavey Post author
      I could give you a bunch of reasons/answers that could (possibly) satisfy you but I’m not one for excuses but know this; given the circumstances, I dealt with things the best way I thought how.
      Thank you for reading, Oprah.
  8. Ozone
    This is a deep story and everyone can learn a few things from it. I have a few questions for @cavey
    1. Did you share the same futuristic plans of the relationship?
    2. Are you sure you didn’t say or portray her as someone you are having a fling with?
    3. Did you give her tips on how to manage the interest of all family members?

    This is my view guys, it is unfair to lead a woman to believe there is future in a relationship you do not share. As a Rule of Thumb, during my dating days, I never visited a lady at her parent’s except the woman I am married to today. Also most of my dating experiences never exceeded 3 months and after that I determine if you can be my wife by my own standards. If no, I make it clear that this is just for good fun and no expectations.
    I put the blame on @cavey as he didn’t protect her. It is worthy of note that this is what real men do even in marriage as those interests (Mother and Wife) will always clash. I correct my Mum if she is hard on my wife immediately and same goes for me Wife. We had an opportunity to have 2 kids in 2 years and so my wife lived with my Mum abroad which made them have a good bond and gist almost everyday on almost everything.
    There are many ways to make each of them special without feeling their territories are being encroached.

    1. Cavey Post author
      Thank you so much, for the words of advise. Not to wave off your kind words as ‘unnecessary’ so allow me to gently refer you to my reply to @abiola above and this extract
      “…greeted your dad, who was always the more welcoming one and he teased me by calling me ‘our wife’. You stood by my side and we laughed about it. We didn’t try to disclaim what he said because we had plans and the future we saw together featured me being called that in the end…” to answer your third question.
      Answering the others;
      1. Yes, it was more than shared by both of us.
      2. Not even close, both our families knew we were very serious about our relationship (in a crazy turn of events, before then mother even used to tease us about my non-Yoruba wife and ask how she was).
      Not to discredit anything Hera said, but like everything in life, there are different ways people remember certain things for vary number of reasons. I did stand up for her (I was downright pissed even) and was ‘rude’ to mother then. That’s why my dad stepped in ‘cos things were getting…fiery (my dad knows I rarely let anyone get me angry and if I do, I don’t regret anything I say/do and I could be cold and heartless. I did get that from him so I guess he understood.
      I know men always stand up for their wives/girlfriends. Always. But thanks for the reminder. I accept the blame, but for a totally different reason.
      1. Ozone
        @cavey, you just mentioned the elephant in the room – TRIBE.
        This is the major reason and I believe that the battle has been fought and won by many peeps in the past. Maybe this just demanded a strategy which you and Hera did not find necessary. The TRIBE thing is BIGGER than you can ever imagine.
        I can share the blame now since Hera probably did not allow your strategy to evolve, which led to the hurt and shame she experienced.
        In the beginning, Mothers are always hard but giving tips to the Girl makes it easier if she is willing to adhere to it.

        Let me give you an example: In my home, we drink bottled water preferably Nestle. While abroad, my wife wanted to do the same thing and my mum complained to me that she is wasteful. I recommended to my mum why we take bottled water and advised my wife on the harsh upbringing of Mother, which might make her see taking bottled water as a luxury. We came up with a plan to get a $1 pack of water rather than something more expensive.
        Same thing with getting a bus token rather than Uber for all outings.

        Our Mothers are thinking protection not to hurt the lady but some of their concerns are rather bias from their harsh experiences. Maybe Hera should have given you more time so that your Mother could have seen why she was the special one for you.

        1. Cavey Post author
          Maybe ‘tribe’ is an issue but at that time, it’d never occur to me ‘cos 1. Mother shouldn’t be ‘traditional’ seeing as she grew up in England and 2. I’d never been with a Yoruba girl and she knew and always said she was cool with it. Joked that maybe she and my sister had given me my fill of Yoruba women (I don’t even have a lot of male Yoruba friends).
          But like my dad always told me “life’s the only school you take the exam before you learn the lesson”.
  9. Morris
    Damn… This is a true story? @cavey Please drop link to previous post.

    Thank you for sharing this…

    Honestly, I cannot believe this led to a break up, even with all the professed love. I really don’t care that you couldn’t have done/said much, you were in Uni, and it was your mother! Your mum was the issue, not you. That the hate was transferred to you… is too big a punishment, in my opinion.

    But i must commend Hera, for trying to apologize again, that’s courage.

    I believe your mum was overreacting purposely and she definitely didn’t want Hera in your life for some reason. Bhet the day i will leave my man just because his mum does not want me, i dunno o, experience is better sha.

    I really need links to previous post to know if and how much you tried to fight for her and convince her of your feelings.

    1. Cavey Post author
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts, @morris . Like I’ve learned over the years, just because someone doesn’t love you the way you think you deserve to be loved doesn’t mean they don’t love you the best way they can…and that’s okay.
      The link to the first time I wrote about this is in the second paragraph (I made a hyperlink. Translation: the text in red). If you check my page on here, the ‘second’ is titled ‘More Words…’
      1. Morris
        Merci, I am surprised i didn’t notice the hyperlink.

        And yeah, i agree with this — Like I’ve learned over the years, just because someone doesn’t love you the way you think you deserve to be loved doesn’t mean they don’t love you the best way they can…and that’s okay— My ex will think i didn’t love him as deserved and the rest of it

  10. Fae
    Just like it said from the start…my side..your side.. and the truth. I clearly remember us all totally sympathising with @cavey and seriously calling HERA out(i dint myself tho) when we got his side of the story, and now we have her side and are doing the exact same thing, jumping to HERAS boat and dragging @cavey in the mud. Sadly “the truth” is not available(nor will it ever be to us). Just wondering, who would get the heat if ever we heard the truth considering views seem to be cchanging after every update?? take a min to think about this y’all
    1. Cavey Post author
      *exhales*
      Hera’s side is the truth. Maybe not the unbiased truth, but still the truth so maybe I deserve to be ‘dragged’. I already still hold myself responsible for letting what happened happen.
      I should say this though: 1. When you read ‘my side’ of the story, I had no knowledge of the first confrontation (Hera didn’t tell me). Maybe if I did, I would have been more stoic in my insisting she doesn’t go face my mom, at least before I’ve spoken to her. Maybe.
      2. You’re (maybe) going to say I should still have stood up for my woman, irrespective. 🙂
      Hera doesn’t remember and who can blame her if she was in so much shock from a nightmare happening in real time but know that I stood up for my woman. Please look at my reply to
      Thirdly and finally (and I say this cautiously so as not to be misinterpreted), the human brain chooses to remember what it wants. In ‘my side’ of the story, I didn’t give details of what happened, only of the feelings I was going through. “Mother of all curveballs” was what I used to describe everything Hera shared. It was an pun and it served its purpose without me giving details or being caught in an untruth so really, no one but me knows my version of events but that’s okay 🙂. It really is. This was why I didn’t completely lose my home training in my reply to @nosa; because I understand that the human brain remembers what it wants.
      Thank you for reading and your comments, .
  11. Sussy
    Sounds like you both were CU graduates (on a lighter note ) my opinion is you both still feel strongly for each other(she wouldn’t have written this if she didn’t)
    There really is no need to play the blame game in this situation, because we have all been in situations where we kind of froze and later wished we did things differently.
    However I think you need to speak with mumsy if you haven’t to let her know how her actions caused you something special especially as it seems she had no concrete reason so that she doesn’t disrespect any of your future girlfriends. But like I said before I think you and Hera still have something(it’s left to you guys to know which road to take from here)
    Cheers
  12. Larz
    Whilst reading this so many emotions ran through my mind but here is where I settled at.

    I am a strong believer in things working out the way they were meant to. If you guys are meant to be together (you would have or you will going forward) fought harder to stay together. You know what is funny, Hera might meet an inlaw that is more difficult than yours bjt might stay because her love for this person will be bigger than any inlaw stress. It happens to the best of us.

  13. Becoming
    How can he call his mother out in front of a third party especially if he really loved her and wanted to be with her, he wouldn’t want his mom hating you forever.
    I don’t know what you all are seeing but by what I see, I don’t think this lovely lady gave him the chance to “fight for her”. Honey you allowed fear to get the better part of you. Eventually things would have worked out if you had been patient ( but hey we have different capacity, I do not judge you).
    All I can just say is, some issues require certain level of maturity,strength and wisdom, we can only pray to be better equipped for when we are faced with ours. Sorry Hera that you went through that. HEY CAVEY!.lol
    1. Cavey Post author
      Fear is a terribly strong emotion and I don’t fault Hera for what she did. Like you said, different people have vary capacities and that’s okay.

      Hey 😊

  14. Butterflymind
    “And you stood there right by my side without a single word. You didn’t even try to stop her. You didn’t even take me away. You didn’t even try to protect me or defend me.
    You just stood there and watched. My Hero indeed.
    Not. One. Word. Not one from you.”

    I understand her. I would have done the same.

    I wish Hera all the best in life and love. She really is a brave heart.

    And your mom…
    It’d be better to have a personal conversation with you about this part of her story.

      1. Butterflymind
        Of course I do. I’ll beep you later today 🙂

        But this una story sef. Hope some day we’ll hear the last of it. You with a new love. Hera with a new heartthrob. You two grateful that you helped each other grow.

  15. Lucy
    I have a feeling that most of the ladies on here are not so smitten by you as they were prior reading Hera’s I want to blame you, I want to call you juvenile for not handling the issue well. However, I wasn’t there and I do not know the truth.

    Why did you put up Hera’s disclosure even if you knew it would put you and your mum in a bad light? It’s a rhetorical question you can answer in your head. You might think contrary, but I don’t think its not an admirable quality.

    Have you had a sitdown with your mum since Hera’s closure? Does she feel like she acted wrongly? Going forward, has she promised to never treat someone’s child like that next time? Has she realised that Hera was the ‘love of your life’ and not just some university fling? Does she know that you’ve had a hard time moving on? Have you decided on how to react if such incident presents itself in the future?

    Back when I was a teen and I had GCE exams to sit for, I remember my mum and elder brother lying to my friends that I wasn’t home when I was. Their motives were good, they wanted me to focus on studying. However, I warned them both to desist from doing that. I threatened that if it repeated itself, I would expose them as liars by coming out to greet my friends. It stopped that day. Some of those friends are no longer friends, however going forward, my family treat my visitors like kings.

    You make the ideal boyfriend. I say this because my best friend is just like you. You are romantic to the core, you make love seem like a fairytale. All your exes can swear that you were the best. However, it doesn’t mean that they want to come back. Why’s that? When life gets real and rocks the boat of your relationship, you do not tackle it headstrong like a man. Sometimes we ladies get tired of the sweetness, we want that hardness (not the sex kind). The kind that has you standing up to not just your mother but even to a bully who ends up beating you black and blue.

    You might have defended Hera in your best capacity, but here’s the thing: she feels like you did nothing. Everyone who read her closure feels same way. Maybe you should put up ‘the truth’ to placate TNC commenters (I kid).

    Your mother would not be the first to dislike her son’s partner. However, many ladies in this situation would not cower in fear when they are assured of their partner being their rock come what may. A man protects the one he loves. Or maybe, you didn’t love Hera so strongly as you would like to believe you did?

    Please I’m not trying to bash you. I just want you to think deeply. You don’t have to respond too.

    1. Cavey Post author
      Hey . Sorry it’s taken me this long to reply (adulting is stress)
      Anyways, I want you to know that your comment warmed my heart, not necessarily ‘cos of the context but because…well that’s not important now. What is important is that I feel the need to address/answer some of your questions.

      I’ve come to realize (through personal experiences and tales of others) that humans have this habit; they create an idea of a person they don’t know personally but have been talking to/following their online persona and when they do eventually meet them, if said person doesn’t immediately fit this idea, they get upset/angry/disappointed. Yes, you can tell about a person by his/her character online BUT there’s only so much you can tell and it’s unfair to hold the person responsible for not fitting your own definition of them based on what you perceived.

      I started with that ‘cos I feel a little context is necessary. Now I tell people I meet after they’ve known for a while (either on here on on Twitter) that I’m not perfect. My articles on here may suggest contrary but I’m not but often, people get the idea that I am and dismiss my claims of imperfection…until I do something human and they realise I’m not and they get upset. So as to the ‘why’ I put this up;
      1. Maybe it was my way of MAKING people snap out of their haze and hear me that I’m not perfect. Maybe. I don’t know yet but I believe in some corner of my mind, that was part of the intent (I mean, I’ve had Hera’s words for over 7 months)
      2. She’d never say it directly but you can tell from her words that I had the TNC community against her ‘cos they knew my version of events “…how your fans hate me…” and wanted me to share her side of the story so at least she knows that she can be judged ‘fairly’ and who can blame her?

      Have I had a sit down with mother? *chuckle*
      Yes I have and in a weird way, I’m glad she acted the way she did else it might have caught me by surprise at a time it’d be harder to deal with. Certain experiences make you grow and the whole mother-Hera situation is one of those life defining moments and for that, I’m grateful.

      If I showed this comments to my friends, they’d wonder who you were talking about talmabout “not tackling challenges like a man”. Maybe before then (and that’s a huge maybe), but definitely not after then. Like I said, certain experiences make you grow and for the record, Hera was the first woman I called my girlfriend , knowing what the word meant so I have no women who say I’m the best but don’t want me back 🙂
      Again , thank you for this comment.

  16. Exclusive
    And @cavey brought me back to commenting on TNC.

    Hi, , “…everyone who read her closure feels same way…” I’d like to say I don’t.

    Not to excuse his responsibility or perceived absence of it, but these things are complicated; they test even the best of our wisdom and strength and most importantly, we weren’t witnesses.

    Cavey, I’d say maybe stop blaming yourself, but that’s totally your prerogrative. I hope you and Hera heal, and that you both find a love the universe aligns with.

    And if the universe aligns with *your* love, I hope you find your way back to each other.

  17. F
    What a wawuu!
    Haven’t read something this deep(?) in a long while, with extra sauce of being based on a true life story again.
    I could literally feel the hate emanate from her version (and boy can she write!), heck, I hated you for a minute too. She apparently still hates you but she’s willing to heal. Anyhoo, like my fave character from my fave book would say ‘wounds heal all time’
    1. Cavey Post author
      *chuckle*
      Hope the sauce wasn’t too much?
      Just to gently correct you, no she doesn’t hate me and I know this because even just this past weekend, we were together and had birthday dinner (don’t worry, she was with her boyfriend)
      Thanks for reading

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