How Friendships With Married Men Become Affairs

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From the beginning, he tells you what a great friend you are — and how nice it is to finally meet someone he can talk to. You eat it up, thinking to yourself, “Yes, talking. That’s all we’re doing…” Then suddenly things change. He seems different. Before you know it, he makes his move. He springs…

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From the beginning, he tells you what a great friend you are — and how nice it is to finally meet someone he can talk to. You eat it up, thinking to yourself, “Yes, talking. That’s all we’re doing…”

Then suddenly things change. He seems different. Before you know it, he makes his move. He springs it upon you ever so slyly, making you feel special; making you feel unique. He’ll say things like, “Wow, my wife just doesn’t listen to me like you do.” Or, “She just doesn’t understand me. And it’s really nice to be with a woman that does.”

He’ll tell you this over a glass of Tempranillo as he looks longingly into your eyes, sweetly brushing a stray hair from your face. It’s kryptonite for the nurturing woman. And it kind of sounds like a date. A date with a married man.

Sure, on the surface, he looks like the All-American dad. On the surface, he looks like a great husband. He tells everybody that it’s OK his marriage isn’t passionate. He’s grown so much as an individual he thinks he doesn’t need wild, fulfilling sex anymore. He’d rather have somebody that’s a great mother than someone with great passion because “passion dies.”

He’s convinced himself of this.

And it’s sad because he’s trying to convince himself he’s in a relationship he wants. But really, he’s unhappy. He’s lonely, and he sees you as an opportunity for escape. You deserve more than that; you’re better than an escape route.

So, how do you spot this guy right from the beginning? Well, he’s usually the man who immediately wants to be your “friend.” Yet, these men are never just friends with women. They’re only friends with women they’re attracted to.

That’s how it starts. It all begins with a mental or emotional affair. He’ll frame your interaction as harmless business. For example: “Hey, let’s have a business dinner,” or “Hey, let’s grab a drink after work.” He’ll flirt with you in ways that seem all so innocent. But let me tell you something: this so called “happily married man” is not happy.

He’s going to flirt with you innocently. He’s going to send you little texts to tell you he read an article or saw something that reminded him of you, and it’s all going to seem so “friendshipy” — almost like you met a good female friend. But in reality, he’s planting the seed for your future affair.

He’ll even tell his wife about the great friendship the two of you have. He’ll bring it out in the open because he doesn’t want to believe he’s actually going to cheat. I’ve met many of these guys. They talk such a good game, but they’re living a compromised existence. They wanted something from life but never truly believed that they could have everything. Now they find themselves “stuck” in an unfulfilling life, settling for less than what they know is possible.

Beware of this. Never fall for their flattery. They’re not going to leave their wives. They’re looking for an affair, whether it is mental, emotional, physical or all three. Ask yourself what it is you want, and why you desire men you can’t have. Maybe there is a tiny bit of loneliness and lack of fulfillment within you, and that’s what is attracting men in similar situations.

Look at the people who are coming into your life as signposts for what is going on inside of you. If you find yourself excited by the overly friendly man in the wedding ring, consider whether you have some internal issues to work out.

And then run. Preferably in the direction of available men not hampered down by preexisting relationships!

[Post via: Yourtango.com]

This is a sensitive topic. I can already imagine a lot of women running away but let me just state that we are not going to restrict this to women because men also cheat with married women and in fact that is becoming more and more popular nowadays. If we don’t talk about this, we’ll never understand it better. I’m not here to solve the problems of the world, nope, we have God for that. What I hope to today today is that through HONEST dialogue, we’ll all be able to understand a little more, how these things happen.

I BEG on the awesome TNC community to come out to express themselves today. You know you can always comment anonymously. Tell us your story, or your friends story. How did it happen, what could you have done differently etc. As for those who haven’t experienced this first hand, I’m sure we all plan to get married someday and no matter how convinced you are that your husband will cheat because that’s just what men do, you can’t tell me it won’t hurt if and when you find out. Will the hurt drive you into another man’s arms? How easy is it to run from a strong emotional connection? You know the drill, use the comment box to express you.

Responses

  1. anonymous
    it has happened to me before we stay in d same estate. from morning walks at dawn to free rides to school to drinks at his friends houses to business date with his friends at private locations to hotel rooms etc. don’t get me wrong we both enjoyed d whole thing from d beginning till recently dat I started avoiding him cuz of my new relationship. hmmmm long story
  2. dr pakuromo
    I am not married but av fallen into dis painted scenario many times in d past…I av neva consciously had any intention of leaving ma gf and I keep on meeting girls(majority of dem equally in relationships). I believe it is increasingly rampant and d solution is simply dedicating d energy ur de oting to dt sidechick or guy into ur own partner..Communication as always is key even in dis situation(s)
  3. Soji
    All the office flings I've had (And I haven't had much anyways) have never followed the above scenario..I'm always up-front and straight forward about what it is and never make it out like I-dislike-my-wife-but-I-love-you kinda moves.
  4. tommiegal
    Mtcheeew! Me, I know their type. I hammer them from the beginning that I know where they're going, so don't pass long road to get to your destination. Say it now and let me tell you the giant NO! I CAN"T even date a married man….from other people's experiences it has never boded well.

    So I corner somebody's husband in some foolish innocent affair (knowing he can't marry me o), what's to say same won't happen in my own marriage? For the love of God, I'm the cause of another woman's nightly tears, I'm the cause of him not getting home early -and some nights, not getting home at all! He may even be spending the little he has on me while denying the woman who has a right to it!

    Wait sef, what if she catches me? Strips me naked….beats me up…what would happen then? What would I do? And this law of what God has joined together…God forbid, Tommie won't even ever put asunder. I don't even want to keep thinking about it because I will just keep venting.

    My two cents…dasall.

      1. tommiegal
        In the long run, isn't that how it should be? Shouldn't it be about the repercussion and not the act itself? Wouldn't I worry about going to hell than committing sin? Or wouldn't I worry about unwanted pregnancies than worry about the act of sex itself? Need I go on? Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN
        1. larz
          not neccessarily, for some theye r repulsed by the idea of cheating in itself. It is not that one is better than other, they both effective influences on people…
    1. Jo!
      The fact ehn, the basic fact is that the fact that you don’t sleep with someone’s husband doesn’t mean someone won’t sleep with yours. The law of karma can be unfortunately theoretical many times.
      So if that’s your reason, fail.
      I don’t sleep with married men cause my conscience can’t take it, I don’t sleep with single men cos they’re not married to me, I will only sleep with the married man whose ring is on my finger. #dasall
    2. Nwoke
      Got it wrong. A man is never satisfied by one woman naturally and somebody must be the other woman. Even the so called single guy may not be single in the real sense of it. Women must learn to live with this fact.
    3. Pst. Rita

      Good pne Tommie. Keep it up….but am sorry to tell you that most married women who cheat in marriage were like you when they were single. I have come to understand that most wome who cheat do so as a revenge venom on their cheating husbands….not a good excuss anyway. I however pray that you will have a man who is decent and has conscience just like you.
    4. Vnig
      Hello Tommie gal, I use to say the exact same thing of never dating a married man, until I eventually kissed one. Thing is we never wish for it to happen, at least I didn’t, but then it did. This only goes to validate what the writer said about an internal issue need that needs to be met pushing us into the wrong arms. I’ve learnt my lessons and moved on, whilst am on the path to meeting my mr right, I pray I never encounter a falling for a married man again.
  5. larz
    other than the "you understand me more than she does" quote. That explain my friendship witth most ppl. Married ppl included. I guess it depends on frequency or intensity of the convo.
    An occassional lets meet up after work for drinks (once every 3/6/12 months) is no biggie and neither is, I saw this article….
  6. ijebuPrincess
    Hmmmm, sensitive topic indeed. But I rly believe most men know what they want from d lady even before d friendship starts.
    Like there’s this couple in my church, cute young couple. I met the wife first. Liked her immediately. Then I met her husband, charming, handsome man.
    Our houses aren’t so far apart so I hitch a ride home wv them after church sometimes. There were occassions where the husband wld come to church alone cos his wife is on duty (she’s a doctor). So it would just be both of us in the car.
    It started with bbm chats, then he’d call once in a while. And since I’m away from family in this town I appreciated d kindness. Afterall, church people are spsd to be my family, no?
    So one evening, after a weekday programme in church Mr husband takes me to one hang out like that. I’m surprised, cos I’d had an earlier discussion with his wife ‘advising’ me to find a man who is on the same spiritual level as I am, so that we won’t pull each other back, and that that’s what has helped her marriage. She sure doesn’t know her husband at all, or she was just trying to portray what was not.
    Anyways, he went to drop me at home n I thanked him for the evening. Next thing he was accusing me of not inviting me into my apartment, next thing he wanted to kiss me.
    I jumped out of the car and made it clear that I could never be with a married man, and the cheeky idiot had the nerve to tell me that I had better not think my own future husband would not cheat on me.
    I still see the couple in church, smile, say hello, gist with them small, but that’s it. But does that mean I’m to stay away from all married men? What of men that I’ve been friends with before they even got married? But I guess that should be a topic for another day.
    1. wordsmitch
      you really are stern in your principles and belief…cos you already think the guy is cute, most ladies would allow him kiss them, then ask him what he is doing.

      these experiences are very necessary, so you know how to handle such in your own marriage or relationship

  7. chuka
    like heck' there couldnt have beena betterlow downof how these seemingly innocent relationships degenerate into emotional cesspools. hope ladies read and a better for it…….
  8. milli
    Sometimes its the girls who get attracted to the married men without him even doing anything. They may just like the way he dresses or his colongne and start giving comments like “i like your shirt” or “you are looking nice” and after a while he takes notice of these things (sometimes even if he doesn’t want to his nature pushes him to” and then coversations start occuring leading to diff things. So in some cases the men aren’t the ones to blame even though they are not happy with their marriage.
    1. steve
      I agree with milli totally on this, but the man has a personal responsibility to ensure that boundaries are clearly defined in his head, mind and every other parts / places that could potentially seek to defy the man's marital / relational fidelity.
      When you start becoming the man that you set out to be in life, you will without doubt have natural admirers and possibly people (same + opposite sex) that wish to glide along with your success / good life status. Where relationship boundaries are not clearly defined and firmly enforced, relational abuse is inevitable.
      Steve
  9. Engr Chido
    This is a wonderful piece and its worth discussing. I am a married man. This has caused a great concern to my wife too till recently she decided to really come forward and be in my social cycle. Now those things I usually discuss with others, she lends interest and time to discuss. Marriage doesn’t mean the end of competiting for the attention for the heart of your spouse, No. The two has to be involved in matters that affect one another so as to rule out intruders. Get genuinely involved in what your wife or husband loves or else when someone does the friendship that ensues can be catastrophic. A great harmless friendship is just a step away from flaming.
    1. lordfiddler
      Bros, I hail you and truly thank you for your comment and also your experienced POV on the matter. It's truly sad and almost abysmal the way that many people nowadays have come to accept cheating as a necessary evil that we must live with. Almost as thought there's nothing that one can do to avert this trend from pitching a tent in your relationship.
      Thanks man.
      1. ladybee
        But what do you do when you do all that and have never stopped even after 15yrs of marriage and your man still strays? I'm speaking rom the point of view of a hurt wife. My husband is starting a political carrier and i was so sad to see that even while he was seeking my opinion on campaign strategy, he was also seeking hers. This is some small girl who never knew where we started from, the challenges we've been through as a family, even in times of intense need and lack, weathering storms together. i'M STILL SHATTERED, just trying to rebuild my emotions. iI have always paid interest to anything he's doing, even learning all about his engineering job which i had no interest in by the way, but enough to converse nicely with his colleagues. The truth is we may never know why men cheat, even when all is ok at home. Perhaps they can tell us why…..
        1. Pst. Rita
          Ladybee, I feel your pain…. I’ve been there too. I would however advice that as a child of God, we have to pray for our spouse, dress to tess their fantancies at times, know and befriend their friends (if necessary) but must importantly, LET THE COMMUNICATION LINES BE CONTINUALLY ON!

          When your spouse becomes jiltry when his phone rings in your presence, you know theirs fire on the mountain. When you can no longer pick his calls, something is brewing…. Please, lets be careful how we handle the LOVE of our partners, because Love and Trust can die.

  10. FlyGirlie
    But is it not easier to have a FWB relationship with a married guy? i am not justifying cheating on your spouse or anything(everyone will answer to God). My point is, if as a girl, you are not really looking for a committed relationship and you hook up with someone that is already taken, don't you think your problem is solved kinda? plus another angle, if the FWB relationship turns sour and feelings are developed, i think it is easier to detach yourself from a married man/woman than a single guy you know is available to be dated. Just saying.
  11. kophojomo
    Yes. Where are the "best-friend-of-a-married-man" team? Yall come out and tell us your experiences.Ttoday is for me to sit and relax and sipon the famous TNC juice…oya!
  12. sally
    I’m a married woman and I’d like to say that it doesn’t apply to me but I’d be wrong. 70% of my male friends are married. Half of them are faithful. The other half well, let’s just say “some wives do have them”. I have a couple (couple might not be the right number here) of them try to hit on me. One even went as far as saying having an affair with a fellow married person is the best. He said we’d both have everything to lose if the truth ever came out, so we’d want to guard the affair with our lives. I told him “oga, ur a man. If ur wife catches u, chances are she’ll forgive you but if I am caught, my own don finish.”

    I still have married male friends but the secret is being friends with their wives also. If ur married, I cannot friend you after the second meeting without seeing ur wife or u meeting my oga. Girls should adopt that rule. If he wants to be ur friend, be friends with his wife too and leave hints that every convos you have with him might end up on the list of things u gist with her

    1. Tiki
      This does not work, because my 'friendship policy', whether for married or unmarried people, is that what we discuss stays between us. My friend's story is theirs to tell – the fact that they tell me does not make me their family towncrier. Your idea of managing the friendship sounds dangerous to me.
  13. @Sirkastiq
    Sometimes these things are deeper than what bubbles up on the surface.

    What we see is a man/woman trying to start something. Trying to cheat and all that.

    What may be is a sexually deprived/unappeased partner.

    I'm not one to justify extra marital affairs, Matter of fact, I don't support any thing with the word 'extra' in it, I'm lazy and I believe it's associated with more work…and I hate more work.

    Now, the thing is; these affairs are becoming more rampant these days as our generation settle into marriage. When a building begins to wobble, It's always wise to trace the problem to its foundation.
    Most marriages today are built on the need to be married, laced with history of unfaithfulness and a lukewarm attitude to fidelity. I mean, it's everywhere in your face. Sex is just now one other 'recreational activity' Hooking up with women is as normal as stopping at a traffic light; It wasn't always so but I mean, everyone is doing it, so I might as well too.

    Ehn, not me sha..

    So yeah,, except we learn to cherish what we have and live with the "would I want him/her to do this to me" mentality, we might as well accept that this is a cancer that isn't going anywhere soon. We can however check daily for signs of infections.

    Open communication helps with this.

    1. larz
      Thank you sir! Love it to bits!

      – I'm lazy and I believe it's associated with more work
      -Most marriages today are built on the need to be married, laced with history of unfaithfulness and a lukewarm attitude to fidelity
      -Sex is just now one other 'recreational activity'

    2. Ioruru
      Your thoughts on this echo a similar spirit. Perhaps I may sound too spiritual but that is my number one guiding Principe. I take marriage as a union ordained by God and my marriage vows are not just to my wife but are before God first and foremost. We are married for over ten years now and infidelity has never been an issue. We are more focused on spreading the love of God and trying to touch and win souls. You cannot defeat infidelity with a secular reasoning, it takes the special grace of God to triumph over it.
  14. SHE Said
    wow! funny this post comes up. my sister and i just had the laughs of our life last weekend which sadly turned into crying, where we went 'shey na like dis we go dey dey' where some kongi-possessed -late -40s -very -married man is gonna come and be yarning dust to a 25 -yr old -waiting -on -the – Lord -to-bring- the -right -man -her-way girl.

    now to the story, i went to the bank to see someone, i had to sign in and what not. then i get home later in the evening, and my phone rings, some guy said he saw me in the bank and decided to cup my details from the visitors register, that i should please not be angry, well too late i was already angry. well suffice to say the guy became my alarm clock in the mornings. my sister kept saying try and meet the guy u can never say, how this thing will turn out. so i met the guy and i was like, hhhuuuhhh?!!! are you sure this guy dint go to the same school as my father back in the day?

    i almost went the dark way and insult the living day outta the guy err man err baba, and bring his daughter(who happens to be a final year student in Lautech) into the matter and ask how he wd feel if this kinda situation happens to her(mehn, i dont want to bore you on the CRAPPPP he was saying), but i just held it in.

    so for you that will be lucky and its the youngish married guy you meet…please there is no better way of saying it…..RRRRUUUUUNNNNN!!! cos i wont lie those guys bring their A-game on board when they are searching for their emotional prey

  15. slim
    I used to think all Nigerian married men were faithful. Don't ask me why. Was so shocked when one told me that not only were they not, that it was a normal thing sef. He said that wearing your wedding band was like a siren song to single ladies. They rushed you. That as long as you didn't sleep with the chic- sleep being the operative word, like do your thing and still go back home to your bed- that it was okay.

    I look forward to more revelations. Please don't hold back on your stories.

    1. lordfiddler
      Let me ask again; Please, are you Nigerian? Lol!!
      The truth is, it's not as badly spread as many want us to believe…but it's a rot whose expression has become more brazen and unapologetic in recent times. That's just the sad reality…
    2. Annoymous
      Ds exact thing has happened to me once. Got into a new school and met him as a lecturer there we became fast friends because we are from the same town. At first i didnt know he was married until few months after when i heard it from a colleague i wasnt so angry because talk was prerty much all we do and i convinced myself i wasnt going to allow it spiral into an affair. When i confronted him about his marital status he said his wife has been cheating on him with the same guy even before dy got married and they were both tired of the marriage and considering divorce so he considers himself more single than marriwd thats why he didnt bother telling me.
      I on the other hang started feeling uneasy about the whole thing and tried all i could to make him see reasons why divorce wasnt necessary especially with kids involved. After a while the wife disappeared with d kids and was found somewhere in d north and to my surprise he didnt care nor bother to go bring them back……long story short after she left feelings erupted and we found ourselves on each others bedsand became closer but throughout d whole drama i kept tekling myself i wasnt going to end up with him forever cause of d kids and i wasnt surprises at all when she came back and he dumped me instantly. We were still friends for a while until i realised that anytime he had a small brawl with d wife he’ll come to me seeking pity and possibly a bed time then it hit me, he had this planned right from day one and even had the balls to admit it that was when the actual hurt came in cause i felt like a pawn.
  16. Georgia
    I’ve never had an affair with a married man, I have a friend that’s married, well not really my friend but we’ve known each oda since 2008…he’s like twice my age tho I fink and sometimes he says stuff like I’m his runaway girlfriend (well, cause he’s married and I don’t c why we should be best of friends), plus, he has three kids … So sometimes he makes some kin moves and wen I don’t go with the flow, he’ll be like after all these years, that he’s never asked anything from me (well kinda true) and that we girls don’t know a good man when we see one ( and in my mind I’m like…am i the only one that knows he’s married? ), he’s wife has been abroad with his kids for God knows how long …. He says things like we prefer ‘bad boys’ … And in my mind I’m always like, at least they ain’t married… He makes it seem like it’s just fine if anything happens btw us..(I knw d age diff is much, buh he looks good tho..no pot belly thr) …lol, well when I feel tempted.. I have two things that keep me away …1: he’s married with kids, and 2: THE MOST IMPORTANT… If I sleep with him, God will strike me dead because well, he’s married
  17. Nathalie W.
    Wow.

    I’ve been here before. It is the silliest place to be. But there are tell tale signs sha. Even if the ones in this post don’t come up, something will irk you.

    For me it was the question will yo be mine regardless.

    As a girl who knew it was mtn’s credit he was wasting on obodo ocha call, I laughed. Turned out he was getting married 6 hrs after he asked that question. Long and short, I had to insult him off my back.

    No flattery is worth all the pain of being party to adultery.

    And I’d like to say sally I admire your principles.

  18. KIng She
    A relationhip with a married man is a big No No. It causes regret of a lifetime depending on the kind of conscience you have amongst other things.

    Since I was young I have been approached by married men. I don’t know why. I thought people from my village were on to me. Lol

    Until, my very good friend who got married to a lady who later became my friend as a result of their union, told me he couldn’t ‘control himself’ when we were together.

    I freaked out ‘cos this guy and I have been friends for a very long time and I naively thought marriage cured lust (or whatever it was).

    I knew he was attracted to me before he got married.

    I ran away and still keep it at arms length. I can’t be responsible for running a woman mad because her husband needed more than a hug.

    God forbid.

    Define it. It is either you are my friend or you are my spouse. Boundaries must be defined. Please don’t bring too much spirituality into this, we are talking flesh. Discipline and self control is KEY.

    Even men of God fall.

    There is a Heaven to go to.

  19. Georgia
    Ok, il share a friends story…

    A good friend of mine sees this good looking man in a bank … She pays in money and leaves ..next thing her phone rings : I’m sorry my name is bla bla.. I just had to get ur number from ur teller or wherever dey steal it from and I had to call you, more apologies offered and they both move on..

    So one morning he goes to see her at her work place , and says ohh, you work here, my sister used to work here, my friend asks for her name, he tells nd she goes .. Ohh I know her, not personally but a friend of mine that worked here knows her b4 I came in.. He asked for her boss and she’s like he’s not in..they chat a little and he leaves … He called frequently..she even called me, gave me the gist and I’m like ok nice, buh go slow.. U don’t really know him.. Fast forward , like a week later she gets a visit from her good friend that knows his ‘sister’ .. They start talkin, her friend tells her about how her friends husband keeps asking her out.. Normal girl talk.. His name was said , work place and my friend caught on… Apparently his sister that worked whr my friend did is his wife…

    Forward a day later … She asks him what type of man he is , lying and cheating .. He gets angry, that my friend is insulting him and says he won’t take that from her ….she insulted him a little more (in my opinion not enough tho) and deletes him… End of story

    And I’m sure he was on to his next target….like that was going to change him..

  20. Emem
    Deny it as many times as you want to, the same way guys sunconsciously know what they want from a girl before the relationship, that’s the same way ladies can infere what the guy wants. You might deny it and not want to think the worse of the guy but the truth is, you knew where it was headed from the moment the casual indifference transformed to a warm non challance and then butterflies and what not.

    For me married men and guys in relationships are a NO NO. Even if we were very tight before u got hitched, because u have gotten hitched I naturally put myself in the back seat and let madam ride shotgun. Na from clap person they enter dance, little drops of water make a mighty ocean. I’m no saint, but hey just maybe my avoiding looking, smelling ot eating other people’s dinner will save mine when it is eventually served and I’m ready to eat it *selah*

  21. @folamanboy
    Let’s be sincere, marriage is boring (well, that’s my opinion sha).
    Most married folks go into this relationship thing maybe just to spice up their lives a lil bit.
    Some do cos their marriage is in shambles thus looking for happiness. Thirdly like my mother would say “Marriage is not the solution to promiscuity”. Most young men and women get married because the feel they they are ripe for and thus are obliged to marry and not because of the real purpose. Therefore many will pretend (I’m talking about self-pretence) till they get married and then the real person emerges. (Hope you guys are getting the scope)
  22. @folamanboy
    Let’s be sincere, marriage is boring (well, that’s my opinion sha).

    Most married folks go into this relationship thing maybe just to spice up their lives a lil bit.

    Some do cos their marriage is in shambles thus looking for happiness. Thirdly like my mother would say “Marriage is not the solution to promiscuity”. Most young men and women get married because the feel they they are ripe for and thus are obliged to marry and not because of the real purpose. Therefore many will pretend (I’m talking about self-pretence) till they get married and then the real person emerges. Hope you guys are getting the scope

    On the other hand, most single people are gullible cos they thirst after, demand, lust for, crave and desire for love, care and affection (probably most of their friends are getting it). Therefore they easily fall into this trap and damn the consequences

    1. Yaz
      Erm, Folamanboy I dunno who you got, are getting your idea of marriage from. All the married couples that I’m close to have interesting marriages.
      1. phuddie
        Marriage is interesting not a bed of roses though. Find the right partner , you are good for it. There will be temptations but steadfastness is the key n pray a lot.
  23. niyoola
    No excuse for dating a married man. Even if you didn’t see the signs/build up …… Well, when the man makes his move, time for you to flee!!!
    Same for guys dating married women.
  24. Ms_aeydem
    See this married guy thing is so regular now, it’s like this ‘normal’ thing, in fact a married guy wud ask u to hook up and God forbid u refuse… The next thing I hear is Woman,”ur behaving like a child”. Biko leave me in my childlike ways o, thanks!

    Personally, I think it doesn’t make sense. Like.. This guy can NEVER marry u and odds are the relationship would be sooo nice ud end up ‘falling in love’ and hanging from the ceiling when the guy moves on, as he invariably will.

    Especially the young married guys. Those ones are deadly cos it will be so easy to forget (until the day some1 who knows his wife sees u together and then ur goose is cooked) lol.

    My 2cents: He wants to be friends? That’s all well and good. But as a woman u know when a guy is getting overly familiar. When u start seeing all those Lionel richie moves and hearing all the “if only I wasn’t married, I’d do what not” crap.. Ladies run. It will not end well.

  25. Temmie
    I don’t even know where to start from,Feels like Toolsman was in the spirit when he chose this topic to discuss about today.I’m not friends with a married man,I don’t evn like talking to them cos most of the time,you just know what you guys are going to end up talking about.But today,I was in church and I sat down beside this very HOT married man(emphasis on the hot) ,and sth in me strted thinking that it wn’t hurt to be his friend,nothing wld happen,just be friends with him,Thank God for the grace of God,I decided not to take my fantasy too far.I totally agree with the column,y’ all start out as just being friends and before you know it,you’re in too deep.
    1. larz
      What if you were frns n then he got married? What if you work together and you are in the same circle of friends.
      I guess one approach is to to stay away from all married men (bad business) and avoid them like a plague. another is to watch out and keep an eye out. The decent ones amongst them and great mentors. And yes, they can hook you up with their single friends, bros, cousins etc
  26. Candace
    Staying away from married men isn’t a guarantee that other women would stay away from yours… But it is better to know that you’ve hurt no one and you have no fear of karma playing a fast one on you.
  27. Yaz
    There are guys I was friends with before they got married. To maintain our friendship, I became friends with their wives. If i want to go visit or hangout, I speak with their wives first.

    If a married man tells me he wants to be my friend, I tell him it’s a package deal – me & my boyfriend will be friends with you & your wife.

    Before I met my boyfriend:

    There was this guy who was on my case – he wasn’t wearing any band, he lived alone etc etc & it appeared he was single. One day, I agreed to hang out with him & he propsitioned me. While, he was talking, he mentioned that his wife & kids were based in Holland – I didn’t allow him to finish talking, told him I don’t date married men & asked him to take me home. That was the last time we spoke.

    I believe in karma. I stay away from other girls’ partners cos they come with too much drama biko achoro m nsogbu.

  28. Tori
    The sanctity of marriage is endangered. It really saddens me to see how affairs are so popular nowadays. It’s not even in ‘taboo’ category anymore.

    I have a strict “no married men” policy. As long as he’s married, he might as well be my brother.

    There was a day I sat down next to a young hot guy in class. We had a conversation, and I found out he was 28 years old. I didn’t even realise he was married until I saw his ring. I asked him to show me his wife’s picture, and boy is she hot! 5 minutes later this guy starts hitting on me, I was shocked! Did he not just show me his wife’s picture? I told him he was married, so that automatically made him like my brother, and nothing could ever happen. He wasn’t so happy with my response, so he said I was too slim anyway. I called him a sore loser.

    I’ve been friends with a married man once. He was my classmate, and he was incredibly smart! I felt like I had a lot to learn from him. Maybe I was naïve, but I didn’t think he had any bad intentions towards me. One day he told me he wanted more, and I told him I couldn’t. He said he couldn’t be just friends with me anymore. After that phone call, I cried. I was really sad about how things had become. How society had become.

    It always helps to have strong values and principles, because the temptation can be strong. I’m a very principled person, and that is one line I can never cross. It is just too wrong.

    Don’t date a married person, don’t do it.

    1. queenbee
      your post is touching especially the end i promise I WONT.I have a date with a married man later dis evening but am calling now to cancel.Not that i didn’t no it was wrong.THANKS YOU ALL
  29. Bumight
    I encourage people to listen to the series on "Gaurd rails" by Andy Stanley. (They might not have it in naija, lol) but Gaurdrails are barriers put on the road to warn people of danger on the other side,
    In relationships, I believe people should have Gaurdrails, and one that he talked about was

    "never go out to eat alone with someone of the opposite sex"

    Yes, grabbing a coffee with your coworker doesn't mean you have committed adultery, but 70% of all extra marital flings start out from such meetings. Gaurdrails are not placed in the danger zone, they are always on the safe part of the road.

    You can develop such other Gaurdrails with your partner, and as a single person, you can also adopt such Gaurdrails so that you don't find yourself in a relationship with a married person.

    And yes, like a previous commenter said, if you feel the need to be friends with such married people,min love their spouses

    1. Jo!
      “Gaurdrails” or ” °Guardrails”
      My own “guardrail” is how comfortable i feel about a “hangout”. With some people, I have absolutely no problem telling my bf “oh, I saw this person today, we went for a couple of drinks” or “me and … want to go see a movie tomorrow”. But the moment my mouth is beginning to stutter and stammer if I want to mention it or I even feel a tad uncomfortable, then it’s not happening. Sometimes, the person hasn’t even asked me out or made any actual moves, but I trust my 6th sense with all my heart, never lies.
      So yea, personal checks and trust your instinct.
    2. larz
      "never go out to eat alone with someone of the opposite sex"
      it sounds extreme.

      I recently told this agbaya man who has been trying to meet up for a while that I was going to invite my brother along when he asked to meet for coffee. He hasnt responded to me since then, it has been 6 weeks.

  30. Tori
    Married people also need to have some respect for their spouses. Married men aren’t even ashamed to ask girls out anymore. Like it has become “normal”. It really annoys me. I guess it has become popular because a lot of girls don’t mind. People don’t have values anymore. Overcome temptation and preserve what is left of the sanctity of marriage.

    If you are becoming too close or too familar with a married person, then it may be time to end the friendship. Start by creating space. Don’t create temptation for yourself.

  31. SHE Said
    Well i guess i'm in an 'affairs with married guys' story mood.
    To be sincere if not for the fact that the man i insulted in my previous post was old and funny looking, lets say he came all 'gamed-up' and young and fine, would i have acted same? i dont think so, but i wouldnt have given in to whatever game he had up his sleeves.

    Its almost a year today, i was going my way, then this lady hit my car, she pleaded and i would have gone my own way, but just because not upto a month ago to that day i had a ghastly accident were i was at fault and i had to pay for the damages of both the other car and mine, i had to say 'mbanu, u too must pay for this one'. so she calls her husband and this tall, handsome looking guy shows up and says, ok no problem he would take my car to his mechanic and get it repaired.
    ghen geun, he repaired my car and of course, during that time we exchanged numbers so i'd know where to meet him to get to his mechanic.
    two weeks after, he said we should meet, he just liked me what what, and u know, saying the right stuff i wanted to hear that my then boyfriend wasnt saying.
    Long story short we had an 'affair', i'm not sure to call it that, cos soon after our first meet, i left that town. so most of what we had was via the phone. i wont lie people, this guy was over caring. In my mind i knew this was wrong and it was heading no where, cos he categorically said he wasnt leaving his wife though she was crappy(he said) and even if she died he wasnt going to remarry, i dont know why i was still picking his calls and having this over the phone affair with the guy but he was just too caring and 'romantic'(hehehehe) to let him go and my boyfriend was just not acting right.
    well sooner than later my foggy eyes and mind cleared and i told him we cant continue, and we ended it.
    he still kept calling, but what now broke it completely was when, he told me since we were now just friends he wanted to confide in me, and he told me that he slept with a lady, and i was like TFFF?! please just dont ever bother calling me as a friend or as foe.

    now i keep praying to God to not let Karma now come and bite my cute behind and i run like mad when i sight them married goons cos IT JUST AINT RIGHT!!

  32. highlandblue
    This post is true. Men want sex and women want intimacy. So the man offers the woman intimacy first in the hopes that she'd get to offer him sex later, while the lady offers the man sex first in the hopes that he'll stick around for intimacy later. Classic Seduction 101.

    Next

          1. larz
            May I just point out that the real Lara Croft is a lady first before anything else. She kicks arse only when provoked. This is neither or provoked nor deserved anger.
  33. nijezie
    Voted. Great that you guys are back there again this year.

    Psst… Come Sirkastiq & Cumical, You know your laziness is what made you guys to miss out on the the humour section right? Fix up guys.

    *assumes observer position amidst comments*

  34. Ash
    It’s just simple, really. You fall for whoever you spend time with the most; whoever you communicate with most. You may want to avoid saying that first hello, or frown at that cute smile.

    That said, if as many married men as it’s been claimed are sleeping with single girls are actually doing so; who are they sleeping with? Every one who’s commented here hasn’t slept with one, and everyone they know has managed not to sleep with one; so…where are the aiding and abetting spinsters?

      1. Abbey wonder
        Surprised no lady has come out to tell stories of single ladies who actually go out to seduce married men. There are many true stories on this.
  35. babe
    Ok here goes! I wz in an affair wt a married man. Wen I met him wen nd his wife were seperated.they gt bak 2gda l8r sha. It started from talking bout work to family to church.to meeting his friends etc. We were good,no sex involved nothing till like 6mnths afta. I still felt guilty every second. He wasn’t giving me cash so it wasn’t d money. He gt me thoughtful gifts sha. Nd I fell hard! He doesn’t ve kids nd he wanted me 2 have his baby. I had no idea hw I got maself into that situation.I should ve seen d signs,bt I didn’t care.he understood me,bt I wz wrong.ma parents brought me up d right way nd I failed them. Worse,I found an amazing guy close 2 ma age dat I wanted to spend d rest of ma lyf wt. To cut d long story short,d amazing guy found out,nd it wz horrible.bt he still forgave me.if I cud take back meeting mr married man I would. No mata hw amazing d man is,it’s nt worth it. Ryt now am still struggling to forgive maself bt its been hard.ma spiritual lyf’s a mess cos I wz stupid.
    1. Ronnie
      Now here is a true-to-God-honest-person….look dear don't beat yourself too much…put it all behind you and move, if the single guy is still available try and make it work with him.
    2. thetoolsman Post author
      Thank you so very much. No need to apologize, this is why we are here. I know how difficult it can be to move on from here but please you need to start by forgiving yourself. It's a mistake, we all fall, what matters is if, when and how we get up. Dust yourself off, open up to the young man you spoke about and let him know it's behind you and then move on.
  36. tee
    Can’t read all the comments but the ones I read paint married men as some kind of evil. LOL
    Married men (women) are people like you. All they did was make a lifetime commitment and we of course, expect them to keep to. Marriage doesn’t change who they were before they exchanged vows. Yes, they will be tempted but that doesn’t make them bad people. It’s your duty as a friend to keep a safe distance and let them focus. You would be helping them.
    If everybody else would say NO to sexual advances from married men, they will be left with their wives…as should be. But truth is, some people find the advances thrilling and don’t stop until it goes out of control.
  37. Ronnie
    I have read so many comment here from ladies and most of them smacks of hypocrisy in my opinion. I use my self as am example, am married and am too scared to walk up to a lady and chat her up but these ladies see me and are not shy to do what I couldn't do. They smile, joke and do all to get my attention even when my wedding band is screaming "MARRIED"
    1. Jo!
      Sweetie, it’s not hypocrisy o, let’s just say you find it easier to share when you don’t have a lot to hide.
      I was also wondering where all the “bad girls” were
  38. BlackPearl
    I am allergic to married men… i don't hesitate to tell them that when they get the nerve to tell me about their interest! It is what it is. I am not judging those who have gotten into affairs with them. I have my own imperfections and I have done things I am not proud of but at least i draw the line there! I have a special type of disgust for those men who have no shame and no desire to be faithful to their wives. I know it is becoming the norm, which scares me and breaks my heart all at the same time. I am a believer in Karma so I try to keep my karma scoresheet as even as possible! No to married men!

    I see the gradual slide the article is talking about though.

    Congratulations to the TNC family. I voted! Hope you win!!!

  39. donsege
    interesting views all round, id love to hear views from someone who's dad has multiple wives.

    That aside, i agree that marriages don't put a stop to promiscuity. some even try to deceive themselves with a 'final' bach-eve shag. lols

    I cant imagine myself going after a gal who has a boyfriend talk less of a married woman, no disrespect but my brain just gives them the most unflattering tags.

    1. wordsmitch
      what world are you in?
      you cant imagine yourself going for a gal who has a boyfriend??

      are you naive or just intentionally trying to deceive ppl?
      haven't you heard that folks find ppl that are unavailable more attractive.

      so the gf you have now was single when you met her, or that's what she said

  40. Rezza
    Those of us that have dated(and are still dating) married men(es) will never admit that here. Haven’t y’all noticed how white washed all the ‘I almost dated a married man’ stories are?

    If you are one of us(yes us) that did it(and are still doing it) without remorse, please stand up!

    This is Africa; Men WILL cheat. And that is not a generalisation. My father had 4 wives and ‘uncountable’ concubines, it didn’t make him any less of a great man

    The End

    1. Arthur Bizkit
      The Son of God HIMSELF came to le Earth screened/chose 12 able bodied men to do his will. Notwithstanding Iscariot did what he did & there was some ear picking to do.

      What am I saying? Generalizations will always be that, generalizations, as you see, there will always be an Outlier. . . Some Men Will not cheat.

    2. Tiki
      Not every man is a cheat abeg.

      As for polygamists, to each his own. If you and your wives are okay with marrying multiple people, fine. Just don't lie about it and have a concubine. Marry them na!

  41. Afrophunkie
    Marriage does not automatically make one deaf and blind to attractive men and/or women.

    Single or Married, if you put yourself in a situation to grow feelings and/or be attached to somebody, it will happen. As sure as Night follows Day, it will happen.

    A lot of people think that the big step where they lost their way was kissing a married man, a married woman, someone in a relationship, some one unavailable. But that's not accurate.

    The big step is a culmination/climax of all the little steps you took. The small conversations here and there, the occasional drinks, the vent sessions, etc. When we share of ourselves, we open ourselves up to bonding with other people.

    He didn't just kiss you. You didn't just fall for him. Planes just don't crash. There are a series of little things that led up to the big explosion!

  42. snazzy
    This article speaks to my very essence,I’m a married woman(2yrs now) and just recently found out that my husband had an emotional affiar with some slut(yes !!I’m still very pained by it),he claims it was just an emotional affair and nothing physical.I don’t care either way as I have assumed the worst and to tell u truth I’d even have forgiven him easily if it had been a one night stand who he neva saw again as opposed to someone who he was constantly dropping to and fro work for months without my knowledge(we have a 5month old baby so I obviously was occupied wit her) and even hanging out,having lunch,movies etc.

    To say I was livid is putting it mildly and what even makes is worse is that even after I caught him and asked him to end it,he lied that he had and kept on doing his thing for another 2months (dat hurt deeply cos I believe in my heart dat he doesn’t love me anymore cos he shouldn’t put anyones happiness over mine if he truly cared).

    I truly flirted with the idea of leaving cos thankfully I have an ok job and he’d would cater for his child and I’d take care of myself,he has hurt me badly like no one ever has. He had begged me again and I’m trying to forgive him but one tin I know is that I can neva trust him again( I wonder who he’s speaking to,when he leaves the house I wonder where he’s going etc) and I’m here wondering how he could do that to me as I can’t even imagine cheating on him and he knows it cos I’m very principled. I am trying to forgive him but it’s very hard cos I’d always wonder if he has truly stopped or if he’d go back to his cheating ways. I can’t live with a cheat and he knows my stance on this as father was a serial cheat and my mum just took it all,I viwed that it would neva be me as I’d rather leave the sham of a marriage.

    We r seeking couselling now to help us get through this rough patch(he doesn’t see it as a big deal which further infuriates me cos he believes he hasn’t had a physical affair).pls if anyone knows of any counsellors (trained professionals).

    I hope no one faces this kinda hurt I’m going through cos it can drive one to depression,the only tin dat keeps me happy is my baby,I’m trying hard to love my hubby once again,the most painful part is that d gal probably doesn’t even know she has “almost” destroyed a home,I am sometimes tempted to call her on the phone and insult her but i can neva do that as I lay the whole blame one my hubby dat enabled her..

    Sorry about the typos people(typing thru pain and anger),I just felt like sharing as talking abt it even via ds medium has made me feel a lil better as I can’t even tell anyone else

    1. Afrophunkie
      Big Hugs to you dear. I think this something every married person will go through atleast once. Now that it has happened, you and your husband need to talk frankly about boundaries with members of the opposite sex. Ask your husband to put himself in your shoes, would he be happy if another man has been fulfilling your emotional needs and not him?

      I don't think you are wrong in not trusting your husband. He betrayed you, it will take time and effort to regain your trust. My married co-worker always tells me that for her, her and her hubby decide is what problem they are facing Is worth losing their marriage over. Once you both decide, then both people put effort into making it work.

      Unfortunately, your husband is culpable. If he didn't make himself available to the girl, you wouldn't be in this situation. One none can break your relationship unless you give them permission to. Your husband (sorry to be blunt) put your relationship on the line. There's no point calling the girl or even abusing her. It is not her duty to keep your marriage sacrosanct, it is you and your husband's alone. E-hugs to you dear. This is something you and your hubby can work past!

    2. thetoolsman Post author
      Wow. Thank you so so much for putting this out here. You are a very brave woman and even though you may not know it, you comment has touched lives today.

      I really hope and pray you guys are able to work through your rough patch. Please do not call the woman in question, it will only make things worse. Focus on your husband and try to make him understand why cheating emotionally is way worse than physical, yes, a lot of men actually struggle to understand this. Stay strong. Cheers.

    3. Tiki
      How do you fix something that doesn't exist?

      I believe in second chances, I know firsthand that people can make mistakes, and that sex, intimacy and the thrill of a new conquest can cloud the best of judgments.

      I also know that true repentance begins first by acknowledging what you did, admitting that it was wrong, and then committing yourself to doing what it takes to make it right.

      From the little you have said, it sounds to me as if your husband is going through the motions of an apology because he knows it is the way to get things back on an even keel. It is possible for your marriage to actually come out even stronger than it was before, but he needs to accept that as long as you are hurting, he was wrong. Kudos on the counseling, that is an important first step.

      1. wordsmitch
        tiki, im beginning to fall in love with you, your comments and consequently your mind…..its not just this 2 cents but your whole dollar….keep at it, and i hope you ain't married
    4. thomasscrown
      overtime, i have grown to appreciate the strength of women. the truth is most guys cant take such if it was done to them. instead, you are looking beyond just u, but at the success of your marriage and your child. It is women like you that make me understand, when you marry a woman, you have to uphold your word as that is the true strength of a man. when you have a supportive wife who is committed to you, you must go far and beyond to make sure you do nothing to devalue her committment.

      sadly, some men still see conquering multiple women as manly.

      my heart goes out to you and i pray your labour of love wont be in vain.

      stay strong

    5. Nelis
      Truth is, you are hurting yourself the more by not letting go. You spend so much time and effort not forgiving that than loving. You should love more, that way you would forgive easily. Let me tell you something you don't know, Every single man have tendencies to flirt, the difference between those who do and those who don't, is not just principle. It is their wife. In your case, believe me, if you don't put this nonsense behind you, you would have lost your husband and your happiness forever.
      1. ladybee
        How do you mean the difference is their wives? You may do all you can, be all you can be, be there for them, even putting aside your own needs, be beautiful, and still your man cheats. Its unfair of you to put the blame on the wives who are already hurting. The truth is that even men with the highest moral standing or principles think they are immune just because they are principled and they love their wives, and then find themselves in a dangerous situate and remount here, thinking they can fight it. Didn't jOSEPH IN THE BIBLE FLEE? He ran, he didn't stay there. I still say its a choice you made to pull your pants down, temptation or not. What has the wife got to do with it at that point? And not just pull your pants down once but keep going back again and again. That to me is the height of disrespect to your partner. If you want out of a relationship, say so.
        1. ken
          Sory gal it happens,same as me,try to avoid the guy coz at the end of the day hes going back to UK to c his famiry and u b lonely,just look for something to keep u bc,and slowly u wil b out of his life,its better to b single than tu b hurt later,
  43. famz
    I presume I’m married but in my heart,I’m not. I’m also a very principled person and just like snazzy said “ it can drive one to depression”. I have caught my husband flirting with all kinds of women, even a friend. The worse thing is when I try to pour my heart out to a married gf. They tell me“welcome to the club of being cheated on and u can’t do anything about it”. Wives r meant to keep quiet in this part of the world and when they need initimacy they look for d next available guy{married or not} to share initimacy with and probably a good sex that their husbands deprive them off. That’s why its an unending circle in this hypocritic society, where its A MAN’s WORLD. I sit with my husband in church and he is obviously flirting on his BB. Its normal for married men these days. I had no memory card on my phone few months ago and my hubby wanted to throw his 1g away cos he just bought 8g. So I tuk it from him and started using his. Fast forward it to two months cos I wanted to copy to another memory and I found out about his bb chats. It was terrible~he even prays for them in church and sees them after church and had four some with his married friends too who r men and deemed responsible. We av kids and his friends and family have told me to accept him cos they say most men are like that. Don’t ask me how I cope. I just started an emotional affair to be sane. Why haven’t I left? He has become extremely narcistic but I hope to leave soon. There are still few good married men that I know but they need d grace of God and a very strong principle to survive not being pressured in this society. Single ladies who date married men~»their wives suffer lonely nights,depression,low self esteem and heartbreak put yourself in her shoes. Sorry for the long story.
    1. Tiki
      There's no point starting an emotional affair – you are killing your own spirit by doing something you know is wrong, and guess what? The person you are trying to hurt does not care! Don't let his evil nature push you into doing something your conscience cannot handle – in the end you will only suffer more.
    2. thomasscrown
      mehn, things dey happen o. And then some men have the guts to say women are bitches. erm, hello, whose fault is that if not our's, men. famz, stay strong, in time, with time, the fun he thinks he is having will end, it always ends, then u will earn ur victory.

      sickening

  44. Yejide
    I have had an emotional affair with a married man, was fun while it lasted and I’m glad its ended now. He used to be my boyfriend and we broke up over sometin really flimsy. And we, well I never got over him for a long time. We got talking after about a year and a half dis point I was seeing some1 but I was still inlove with him (le ex). We continued talking on phone, BB, skype, watsapp, infact there was this onetime I went to tweetjail cos I had exchanged too many Dms with dis dude in one day. Den he got married, and we continued talking. After he got married we made plans of running away, but I couldn’t do it. That baptist child who had gone thru sumbeam, GA and now LYdia with all d Ye are the light of the word msgs, Naaa I couldn’t. Help came dis day while we were having our usual skype meeting, Madam called and his response was so cold to her. I knew I had to stop. And with the help of God I did, first I had to go off all social network and he couldn’t reach me except on my school mail, when I finally sent an email to him, he was furious and claimed I broke his heart and what not. Long story short is. I got back to nigeria, poor internet plus his Vex. And our affair died a natural deaths. As for Le boo, I have the Best oko Afesono (if there anyting like dat) in the entire world. I made my confession so dat dem no go first catch me. Of course he was hurt but he’s long forgiven me and Nooo, I don’t want too ever try a married man again. Too stressful
  45. megzy
    I av an aunt going tru d husband is a serial cheater episode nd its really heartbreaking watching her cus she deeply hurt! Nd I wonder y she doesn’t just leave d marraige? Really women dat date married men should be burnt alive some even go diabolical! Praying I never marry such a man cus I can’t forgive dat!
    P.S as a woman do av a livelihood cus peeps stay in dis kind of marriage cus of no oda option!
  46. Marilyn
    First of all, how many times can you vote? I just voted but i feel like one time isn’t enough. Second, here goes my 1st TNC long comment (I’m quite excited). Ok sooo, where do i start from? Erm, ok. I used to date married men one certain low point in my life (when i say married men, i dont mean a few tens or hundreds i mean, how old am i? (And i dont point out this to give an excuse or whatever that other thing you think I’m doing by pointing this out is)). It was the buisness deal kinda r/ship, no feelings where supposed to be caught blabla. I didnt feel sorry for their wives i had this mentality like there’s a reason nigga’s cheating on you and that’s not my problem. The story I’m about to tell however is how i stopped. I knew it was wrong. Of course. I didnt want karma to shine her teeth at me and be like “in your face bitch” but i still did it. Maybe for the thrill or so I’m not even really sure. You know, na bad thing wey dey sweet pass. Soo to my story o. I met this man (whom i didnt know was married at the time) at my 1st real job. He was young, fine die and tall. Really tall. We never really had any serious conversations just the occasional office small talk until he sees me in my area one evening. The next day at work, he tells me, i find a free ride guy. One thing led to another and one day, BAM i was in a relationship. I actaully did FBI, CIA investigation on this man o cos i found out i was really into him and stuff but i still didnt find out he was married. Sooo, r/ship (let’s call it that since it wasn’t an affair till i found out about his wife) goes on for some time, couple of months and i swear that was the closest I’ve been to being in love. Then one day, i get this call from a lady that she heard I’m looking for a contract job on interior decorations blabla, i should meet her at so so lounge to discuss possible job kini. I went now, met the lady, b4 I’ve even sat down she started crying that meeting me in person, she sees why her husband is with me. LMAO.( I swear i was not laughing) kai god. I started to speak like m’aam are you sure? Did i mention she was preggy? Heavy with child was she. That’s where story started o. Lady starts showing me pics, the guy has 2kids and so on. At first i was defensive, i couldnt give up this near perfect rship, that was her buisness. But man, i put myself in her shoes, imagined me being the one showing this pics of a happy marriage and that was when i started to feel a little of what and how she must be feeling. So i call guy to meet me up in that same lounge, we bought airtime(me and the lady) i called her while me and the guy talked so she could hear what he was saying, asked him if he was married and he denied. Denied his kids, his preggy wife denied every fucking thing. I just sat there, crying. When the wife came out from where she was hiding, the idiot guy in an attempt to save his sorry little good for nothing miley cyrus twerking ass now started to deny me. LOOOOOOL. Kai kai god. I have never had my self esteem hit zero till that day. To crown the whole thing, i resumed work on monday to find sack notice on my desk. LMAO *sigh* its funny now. Took the letter to my boss, asked why i was getting sacked, the lady made some silly comment about how they found out one of my presentations wasn’t original and crap. Told her i wasn’t going to be sacked, I’d rather resign. Tore up letter amidst her “who the fuck do you think you are” rant. Better to exit in style baby. THE END
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      WOW. Ok, this right here is one for TV. Felt like I was reading some EJD novel or something. This story has inspired me to finish a project I've been working on and you have to help with some insight. Thanks for sharing and thanks for voting. I'm sure you can find ways to vote with more email addresses 🙂
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Hi Marilyn, sorry about this, some comments are automatically held back for moderation because of their length or because they contain one word or the other. This was the case with your comments. I'm sure you've noticed they are both back up now. Thanks for sharing 🙂
  47. Girl
    Having read the previous comments, I've decided to speak up as a real girl whose having a real affair with a married man. This could be slightly long tho, I apologise. When we first met, I was all, 'I can't date you, youre married' it was a hard limit for me, something i took for granted that would not happen, but it only goes to show that fleeing is the best way to respond when a married guy is hitting on you, cos these things happen. He's one of the youngish ones so its easy to 'forget' hes married and there's a lot of physical activity going on . I know I should walk away, and I want to, but it's been difficult for me. Truth is, you compartmentalise and shove the 'marriage-ness' in a locked box and while it seems like fun because hey, it's no strings attached, sometimes your conscience just won't let you be. And for that I'm grateful now and I pray for the strength to walk away without a backward glance.
  48. Young Married Guy
    I thought I should share. I’m young. And married – to the only woman I will ever marry, I’ve wanted to marry her since I first saw her. And she was prepubescent. So my heart has been taken forever.

    I don’t consider myself super attractive, but I’m crazy smart, and funny, and intense, and a little touch feely

  49. Young Married Guy
    I thought I should share. I’m young. And married – to the only woman I will ever marry, I’ve wanted to marry her since I first saw her. And she was prepubescent. So my heart has been taken forever.

    I don’t consider myself super attractive, but I’m crazy smart, and funny, and intense, and a little touch feely, and smell nice. I’ve also got a pretty cool job and can afford to do most things I want to do.

    I believe I’m a flirt. It runs in the family. And it’s not the slimy in your face flirting. It’s the attention, and being there for people you don’t need to be there for. Most of the males on my family are like this. Someone needs to find that gene and turn it off.

    Only recently married I’ve had two close calls already. One with a friend of a friend who was supposed to show me round a new city. Na just holding hands start am, and then those long chats that turned sexual. Next meeting, bam, on the bed. We didn’t do it in the end. But if there was protection handy I might not have gotten off that one.

    Next one, we met before I was married. Helped her out with some issues she had with school.. chatted randomly – nothing sexual. Met once for food. Then got married, travelled through her city and called her up for movies – next thing, cinema cuddling, followed me back for a chat and next thing lip contact, hands roaming, then I saw my band and was like – no way. Sent her home in a cab.

    I was so principled. Not as much anymore. But I’m getting right back to work on that. I’ve got to draw lines waaay into the safe zone. My limits don’t seem to be working. And I have to keep putting myself in the wife’s shoes. And please ladies respect the band. Truth is not one of these chicks put up any decent resistance – they were just lost in it all. And they are regular good girls, me I was so confused o. A simple no would have shut it down, good thing I didn’t wait for that.

    It’s both ways, guys have to grow up and realise they are now supposed to be responsible. Don’t mess up your wife’s heart. Don’t destroy the single ladies’ view of marriage. And single ladies, respect marriage. And chase us back to the wives. Ask us about them, what they will feel if you leaked the messages etc.

    God help us all.

    1. oladimejiojo
      wow. you are me. except for the married, eternal love and 2 close calls part. that entire intro, harmless flirt, family genes, principles. me.
    2. Tiki
      Leave single ladies alone. We didn't make the vow with your wife, you did. We don't owe her any respect, consideration, faithfulness. You do. Step up and realise that only you have the key to your behavior in your hands.
  50. enajyte
    I'm the product of an extra-marital affair. So let's just say that has made me extra-cautious around married men. There are two categories for me: the ones that were my friends before they got married and the ones I became friends with after they were married. I treat all of them the same way. The following barriers help.

    1. I never call a married male friend or take calls from one after 8pm.
    2. I avoid chatting with them, whether whatsapp, fb, as much as possible
    3. Text messages are reserved for birthdays and special occasions
    4. If it so happens that I'm not friends with their wives, my friendship with the guy dies a natural death
    5. No endearments.
    6. Etc etc

    I may be harsh but it works for me. No married friend has ever asked for anything more.

  51. Anonymous
    Married men are skilled in giving attention, time and money to vulnerable single girls. I have a friend who is dating a married man (whose family is in Canada) just because he gives her everything she needs. She claims that she has been heartbroken by too many guys and dating a man who gives her everything she wants in a man shouldn’t be bad despite his marital status. Nobody believes in ‘karma’ anymore, let’s be sincere, because girls who don’t date married men get cheated on when they get married. All we can do is continually pray for our spouses and hope for the best.
  52. Mimi
    So I’m just seeing this and I think I have to say something. So I met this cute married guy who is one of our clients. We did a job for him(I was the one in charge) and he was so busy that he couldn’t come down to the office to take his documents so I offered to take them to him. If you know Lagos well, then you know that from Alimosho to Lekki is not a small something and this man was very impressed that I could take time out to bring his file for him. It was a saturday so he offered to buy me lunch. We went to Yellow Chilli and got talking, found out that we were from the same state and that he has an hotel in my state that I had even lodged in with my ex boyfriend when I was in school. After that day, we start to exchange text messages, phone calls on a daily basis. One day, I din’t call him and he asks why. I told him I was broke and he forwards 100k into my account. One week later, he forwards anothe 50k and says its just for my lunch. I was dazed. I knew what he wanted and I started thinking that maybe I could give it to him in exchange for favours. Now you may ask what about my job. It pays ok but when you have to cater to every need in your family(I’v shared that story here before), then you realise that my salary does noext to nothing for me. Next I told this man I wanted a better paying job. He has given my CV to two of his friends who has companies and I have even been interviewed in one of the companies,where if I get the job,my salary would be from 200k upwards. My married friend is not in the country right now but we are planning to go to Abuja for a weekend when he comes back and I know that is invariably where the affair would officially kick off. Do I feel guilty? Yes I do, sometimes. I feel like I have no choice as I have to pay back for the monies he has given me and the promise of a new job(yea, I reeeaaaallllyyyy need that job) but reading the comments here, well I don’t know. I. Just don’t know.
    1. Young Married Guy
      Mimi,

      Na wa o. But motivations apart, bad will always be bad sha. I hate that I’m sermonizing, but please don’t do it. I’m steadfast in my belief that if you don’t take this way out, God will come through for you. I hope you can trust him too. But please don’t be part of the rot. Plus don’t feel like you have to pay him back, I could do all those things without wanting a payment back, just for altruistic reasons, in fact, I have before. So don’t assume. Keep your head up sister. And legs closed 😉

      1. Young Married Guy
        In fact Mimi. Na entrapment. If you give up the cookies to get the job and you now fall out nko? What will happen to your job security then? What if his friends are like him and demand sex from you when you’re working for them? You now become that chick that they pass around for what is peanuts to them.. Biko, cancel that Abuja trip. I can’t see how this could possibly end well.
          1. babe
            yep that 100k feels perfect and the N50k looks fantastic.. it sure looks like an advance payment to me.. nothing more will come after that abuja trip. just chop his money and clean mouth, you just got 150k for free. MOVE ON and find another free N150k to collect from another maga for doing nothing. close your legs. Thank me later, runs away
    2. highlandblue
      Don't do it Mimi. We reap what we sow. And if you cannot do without paying back his gifts be content with what you have and stop collecting them.

      Everything we have we received from God. He came into this world naked and all he gave you he also received from someone else who received them from God through some long chain. What you sow, you will reap. You may gain the whole world but it will not be worth it if you lose your soul.

      Don't do it Mimi

    3. Afrophunkie
      Mimi,

      Don't do it. It may feel like you have no other choice, but you do. You may not regret this now, but if you go ahead, you will. One day, you will not be able to look yourself in the face. Karma is a bitch. Karma pays us back in ways we don't expect. Do you think your family will be happy to know you are essentially prostituting yourself to feed them? If your daughter was in this situation, what will you tell her? If your husband was in this situation, would you be OK? All that glitters in not gold. Love and value yourself to not be a prostitute. High class prostitution, low class prostitution, all na prostitution. Think well oh, because this is a definite turning point in your life.

  53. Annonymous
    Hmmn. I have married friends who tell me that since they got married, its been easier attracting women so much so that the single ones amongst us jokingly considered wearing a wedding ring for the sake of it. Infact, one of them said it literally falls into his laps. This is something that we havent even considered because, I think this is part of what encourages the married guys to carry on with cheating without any care.

  54. Annonymous
    In fact, a friend who was cheating on his gf/fiancee before his wedding, carried this affair into the marriage, and when I told him to end that affair before he got married, he said there was no need to. He said when he told the other girl he was getting married, she said she didnt mind. And this was someone who didnt know before then that he was engaged.

    LOL, I even once heard a story of how a groom was hitting on someone during his own wedding. All sorts that u'll just be hearing.

    What just amazes me is the way people now see this as a 'normal thing" and there is no regard for marriage vows. And sadly I dont even see how its gonna get better. I tell my friends i'm never gonna cheat on my wife when I get married, and they laugh. I pray I dont have to struggle with that though.

  55. Yaz
    Our generation regards consequences as nothing. Most people justify promiscuity. They say ‘afterall players/runs girls end up with good guys/girls’ and the good guys/girls get the short end of the stick.

    I’m very grateful for grace but I know for a fact that we take it for granted. We take God for granted.

    What I usually tell my friends is that even if you don’t suffer the consequences of your actions in your lifetime, your children will. Think about your children, do you want them to suffer the consequences of what they know nothing about?

    We are a very, very selfish generation. We don’t stop to think about what ramifications our actions have. How they will affect our children.

  56. Afrophunkie
    One thing I want to say and I have always said since University days is, if your boyfriend/hsuband is cheating on you and you find out, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't go and find the girl he's cheating, or curse her or take her name to babalawo. FACE YOUR MAN. Do you know how many men are "having troubles with their wives", or "not in love with their wives" or "are divorcing their wives", or whose wives "don't get them like you do"? ALL NA WASH!

    Case in point, Marilyn above. The married guy denied his wife and children! When he was caught, not tried to deny Marilyn too. Since the days of John the Baptist, men have been saying all things and everything to get some booty!

    So you that you are cursing another woman for problems your husband caused, omo nah you. You can't expect someone to honor/respect your relationship. That is the job of you and your man. If one or both of you drop the ball, then you have open the door for shege to happen.

    God will help every body oooo

    Sermon over!

  57. smyth
    Well,I’m glad I’m seeing this now,though its late. First,iono y we are putting normal in quotes. Its normal to cheat. Supernormal nowadays. Its so hard to find people who don’t cheat. My parents are cheating on eachother,not a biggie to me anymore. I know the people,I have their numbers…. Ok,its a biggie,its messed me up big time and its hard for me to trust. I’m still learning. I don’t see how my comment relates to the post,but I guess I’m just pissed. I don’t have regard for my parents,everytime they are giving me advice and stuff,I’m like-yeah,whatever,lemme live my life,y’all are terrible people…mum turning us against dad,her own is worse,close to 10years…ok,lemme go. My head hurts already and I can’t believe I just typed this crazy secret here. And oh,TNC rocks.
    1. Tiki
      There's nothing worse than finding out your parent is human, with frailties and faults and sins and baggage.

      Don't let it depress you. You did not choose your parents, so they should not define you. Now is the time to build your own character, and choose not to be caught up in the same web of deceit and lies you are faced with. Chin up luv, at least you got the chance to learn from someone else's mistakes. Some people needed to make the mistake on their own and mess up their lives to learn that lesson that you are getting for free.

  58. ogbugo
    I’m sorry to hear about ur people, buh it isn’t normal to cheat, I for one can’t stand watching movies where there’s an adulterer or an unfaithful spouse, I even can’t stand reading some stories on *TNC* (yh TNC)where infidelity is a theme regardless how sublime it may seem, it took me a lotta guts to read dis episode today. in short infidelity is nd betrayal is worse dan murder to me. it took a lotta courage to share here nd I think all I wanna do is remind u that there are still a whole lotta good pple out there that believe on fidelity. it will be well with ur parents, just entrust d whole situation to Gods care.
  59. ogbugo
    I believe that dis shouldn’t be only limited to married couples only buh to single bf/gf relationships also. when u see d person is engaged inna relationship whatsoever, runnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!. I used to believe that every girl was game until married; regardless how long she’s been inna relationship until I met her nd fell too deeply for her, now I’ve put myself in d shoes of pple that I would have all too willingly broken up their relationships nd caused d other party a whole lotta pain nd anguish. I don’t believe in karma, I just know right or wrong nd cheating is a capital wrong, whether in or outta marriage #GBAM.
  60. D
    Is it bad that even with all the advice and preaching here, I still do not feel guilty about dating a married man? I don’t feel guilty, but most times I feel like a cheap whore.

    But It’s just so easy to do with no strings attached and all + the gifts and money. I only feel sorry for the girls that actually catch feelings sha. And the jealous married guys are just disgusting. Uh. Hello oo! You’re cheating too!

    Sigh. I hope I repent and never go back to this lifestyle someday. Very soon. Amen.

      1. Beenthere
        Hei toolsman, seems she is the only truthful person on ur blog cos everyother person is forming holy. I also fell into this. Whoever told me I could ever do so I would never had believed but it happened. I regret I did it. The fact that he is not going to leave his wife was not even the ish but the fact that one has fallen short of moral standards. In my own case I never wanted him to do that either. I always had married men coming after me and I always overcame but this one happened, I dont know how but I just liked him and I was new in a town he too was new in the town and no friends. Well I pray the innocent ones never fall into it too cos if I did fall…..
  61. Jo!
    I don’t understand, so people telling the truth is “hypocritical” or whitewashed??? Nawa for you people o, if I haven’t slept with a married man, should I say I did so I can appear interesting?

    Anyway, let me now tell my stories.

    No.1 isn’t about a married guy, it’s about how these situations creep up on one without you even realizing it. If anyone had ever told me I would doubledate, I would actually laugh. But I did, I just woke up one morning and realized I was in 2 relationships, at the same time, and both of them knew (and didn’t particularly like) themselves.

    Dude 1 was my friend, we were in training school together and we had crazy chemistry, I didn’t see a relationship with him working, so I chose to keep it platonic, but we didn’t actually have the discussion (mistake no 1). We left training school and started working and I met this other guy, really great guy, level headed, cute, tall, we worked on a project together and initially started a normal friendship, we had “the discussion” and I wasn’t interested initially, dude was persistent sha, gosh! Picked me and dropped me every morning, would literally bend over backwards for me, I couldn’t resist for too long. While all these was going on, my “friendship” with the other guy had continued and progressed, and while we had discussed briefly, we didn’t actually put a label on it. He was a big advocate for “letting things flow naturally” *yinmu* I didn’t realize we were actually dating (don’t call me stupid) until after I started dating the 2nd guy, I realized i needed to juggle schedules of who picked me from home, who came to visit today and blah blah, it was in the midst of that mental juggling that it hit me that I was actually dating two guys :O. I was sober. Called dude 1 and had a looong chat, long and short, I stayed with the 2nd guy.

    You can imagine the kind of drama this must have caused at work, I mean we did keep everything on the downlow, but people who were in training school with us caught on and then when they heard about the new guy, one can only imagine the kind of reputation i have there. Lol.

    In fact there are some girls that HATE me till tomorrow, why? I tied down 2 of the few eligible guys at the same time.

    And no, I’m not a bad girl.

    1. Tiki
      looool. I thought as long as you don't have 'the talk', it's not a relationship?

      This is why I don't do 'understanding and response'. I like dictation abeg. Spell it out to me clearly!

  62. Jo!
    No 2.

    I’m sure many of us ladies have one or teo of these stories.

    I was in Accra about to get on a flight to another African country when I scoped one fine guy on the line ahead of me, he wasn’t hot in the traditional sense but he had that x-factor, I kept stealing glances at him hoping our seats would be close. Then I saw his passport when he was checking in and tada he was Nigerian. As far as I was concerned, that was a sign. :D.

    We got upstairs to board and since he was ahead of me he was already seated, working on his laptop, I sat not too far ahead and then I made my move, lol, brought out my phone and charger and decided i wanted to charge at the socket near his seat, which of course meant I needed to bring my properties and come and sit there to watch my phone. *wink*. We sha got talking, we were really flowing, discovered we had the exact same job function in our organizations and it’s not a very common role, and we also discovered we were going to the same country after we had left the one we were going then. We just had so many things to talk about . And then. .. he stood up to plug his laptop and I saw his wedding band, I just froze. That moment can’t be described in words.

    We kept talking sha, and exchanged cards, me forming so you’re Nigerian, oh interestin.g rme.

    Fortunately, we weren’t staying at the same hotel, anything could have happened o, i mean, in a strange land, far away from home, with no evidence???

    Toyed with the idea of mailing him when i got back but instead, decided to do what any normal girl does, googled him. :DSaw his wedding photos, absolutely beautiful wife, and then, I closed that chapter before it started.

    A lot of self control o, cos all it needed was a push from either of us. A call, a text…and I’m just thankful i don’t own a bb cos if I was on my bb? All bets are off

  63. flyingsolo
    Hmmm…

    Funny…this issue came up at work yesterday.

    Have I cheated with a married man? Physically,no…emotionally,yes. I learned the first time around though,because we got friendly through a mutual friend,and she neglected to mention he was very married. I was in school,he was tall,brooding,so goodlooking! Bf was misbehaving,and cheating with several girls. He didn’t rush though. Took his time,spoilt my friends and I, formed the habit of sending his driver to take us to lunch or dinner,the careless monetary gifts came each week. He never mentioned his marital status sha. We talked about work,he checked in every other hour to make sure I was okay. Sometimes it felt like he sensed when I wasn’t happy,because he’d call,and say funny stuff to cheer me up. Fast-forward 5 weeks after,i was into him badly,he had made no sexual overtures still. Then this new magazine came out in the town where I was schooling,and we were gathered to look at it in my hostel. I flipped a few pages and saw an interview done with him. The next page showed him,his wife (whom I happened to know through that same friend),and his 4 kids. My friends who knew him through me were shocked. I didn’t know what I felt. Betrayed,for lack of a better word. Had this sour taste in my mouth like I was about to faint. A few hours later,he called to check in as usual. He noticed I wasn’t very responsive and asked what was wrong. Told him I saw a magazine with him in it,and he said “so u know i’m married. Before u decide anything else can we just see and talk please?” I was sorely tempted but the hurt I felt then helped me. Plus I liked his wife a lot! Told him not to ever call me again,very quietly. And he never did.

  64. flyingsolo
    Then number 2 was this doctor I “met” on twitter. He followed,asked for a follow back,i went through his profile and his tweets,then followed back. He wasn’t married then,and didn’t say he was getting hitched soon. We exchanged tweets,got really close,he kept wanting to make definite plans to meet for a drink,and I was always genuinely busy so it never panned out. A couple of months later, I wasn’t so frequent on twitter,so we didn’t chat for a while. He had my number though,but the calls were far and in between. Then when I got back on twitter sometime in December, I saw DMs from him,clicked on his profile,and saw congratulatory messages…he had gotten married the month before…but some of the DMs were after he had gotten married,saying he missed me,wanted to see me before he left Naija…I also congratulated him,on his timeline and via DM,keeping it straight. that evening,the barrage started. Calls,texts,DM after DM. I’ve actually told Efe this on the Saturday letter sessions. He proclaimed the love he’d held back for some unknown reason…told him I really didn’t feel the same way,and he said he could convince me,if only I would just see him. said his wife doesn’t listen to him,he doesn’t feel as free with her as he is with me,said he feels there is a strong connection between us. Told him I viewed him as a good friend,and if I had ever given him ideas,i apologise,but I will never run things with a married man. I don’t reply his messages anymore,but they come,from time to time. He still says he loves me. I just read and mentally thank God I “jumped and passed” that one. I feel sorry for the wife sha.

    This is a worm,and it’s sad to know it has eaten way deep into our general psyche so much that it is now considered normal. For me,married oh,about to be married oh,in a relationship oh,all of una be d same thing.

  65. @daginie
    The height of immoral decadence in our society is appalling to say the least. Conscience seared, n thrown in2 canals-yep, like those canals in Lagos. It all comes down 2the character U&I’v built b4 the day of adversary/temptation; the best/worst in a person doesn’t show up until u’r faced with unfavorable situations! Married men n single ladies is now the ‘funkie-combo’ of the era. The married men that cheat? What can I say abt them aargh…….then the ladies that have helped make it so fashionable/an EASIER piss on y’all!
    Its annoying when u see a brilliant, pretty lady give u the crap abt how she SUDDENly found herself in such filth n act the victim Eyes wide shut? Or are u ojukanye? Agreed stinkingly filthy is the new vogue, dare 2 refuse 2b rogue!! Gosh.
  66. Changed Heart!
    I have had relationships with married men in the past. Ranging from the need for sexual gratification to the monetary favors that follow as a result and I have never really given deep thought to the consequences of my actions.

    I just go with the flow and when I’m tired or no longer in the same city as they are, I call it off. I have long discarded that lifestyle not because of any moral or spiritual reason. I chucked it up to “growing up” and it being a phase of life.

    Reading this today has however brought a deep sense of regret and pain to my heart. Reading about wives experiences/broken hearts and imagining the hurt I brought to some homes in the past. *sigh*

    I hope that I can find forgiveness and peace sometime in the future. Thank you TNC

  67. NoNameToday
    Relationships with Married Men…
    hmmm… I could write a book.
    Tula knows this.
    Took me a couple of years to stop.
    Thank God
    You can be friends with Married men/women but please know when to stop and when not to cross the line.
    Married men for some reason are EXCEPTIONALLY skilled at giving you the attention you need. Be it time, money and sex.
    I wont lie, some of the best sex ive had has been with some married lovers.
    After all this though, what remains?
    He wont leave his wife for you.
    Even if he does, you will forever be known as the home wrecker.
    I have to say though that single guys and girls are not helping matters.
    I was the good girl. Never cheated. Didn't sleep around. Until a few boyfriends showed me pepper.
    I became the bad girl. Fucked who i wanted whenever I wanted.
    God help us all
  68. Ewa
    I have never dated a married man or cheated on my fiance but he has cheated several times and I knew about them.. At a point I got fed up and told him I wanted to end the relationship.. For me, its better to be single and happy than being in a realationship that causes pain.

    We are getting married in a few months and he still had a fling with one of his ex last month ( though he swears nothing happend).. I made up my mind that I will cheat on him and I told him even in marriage I will cheat.. Just So he knows how being cheated on feels like..

    1. Yaz
      “For me, its better to be single and happy…” – your fiance is still cheating yet you’re still there.
      You think you’ll be getting revenge but you’re the one who will suffer. If you told him you’ll cheat on him when you guys are married & it didn’t stop him from still cheating then he obviously doesn’t care or respect you.
      Why are you guys getting married? I don’t sense any feeling of connection between you two. It’s marriages like yours that make single people think marriage is bondage.
      Don’t do it! Why will you want to wed then bring children into the hostile environment YOU are creating?
    2. thetoolsman Post author
      This one seems easy. You really have no business with this marriage. You may think cheating in return will solve this but you are the woman, you will have kids for this man and you will find it harder to cheat when you do and the fact that you know he wont stop will leave you miserable. It's better to call things off now. Better late than never.
    3. thisboyperforms
      Going ahead with said marriage is like knowing a plane's engine is filled with sand, yet deciding to board the plane. No one need tell you that it's going to crash.
    4. Tiki
      Somebody should knowk you upside the head with a big stick.

      And this is the kind of person who will go ahead to have children and raise them in this kind of horrible environment? And you say it is not better to have a kid out of wedlock if you have an unplanned pregnancy?

      God forbid bad things!

  69. Jay
    Sarah and Yaz have said the important thing. Man or woman, do ‘package deals’ (I like how that sounds) with a married friend. If you roll in the same circles and the married friend knows whatever you guys discuss always gets to his partner, there won’t even be liver to broach the ‘date me even though I’m married’ subject.
  70. thomasscrown
    karma remains. the problem is, when it hits, its never exposed. My parents had friends in/on the social during the era of shina peters, obey and sunny ade grooving. i mean pilots and all. partying and rocking inxs. In ways, while i was in unilag, thinking i was balling hard, 1 laughed at me and said you kids of nowadays have no clue on how to rock. some were cheating men married to lovely women, some were flashy alhaji carrying women married to simple men. I noticed my parents gradually separated themselves from this people and became better Christians and went a different way. some friends laughed at them. Growing older and having long discussions with my folks, i realized my mum knew, associating with such people would only result in disaster long term. my folks are still happily married, cant say the same for the men who maltreated their wives, paid little or no attention to their kids or the women who devalued their marriages. the parties have stopped, the social scene has changed and now they are the ones advising one to cherish and respect marriage.

    we must all collectively never encourage any friend who is cheating on his/her spouse.

    alternatively, stay single.

  71. Anon
    Wowser! Been reading this page and all the comments and all I can really say is Wow! Yes, I’ve had several relationships with married men, goodness I can’t even begin to fathom the hurt I caused so many homes. I read the tales of the scorned wives and I really can’t say how I feel. Thankfully, all that. Is now in my past, guilt, ah, immeasurable guilt plagued me at every turn in my life, regret has been a major facet of my life. I’m just happy I was able to shake that pat of my past and move on. I’m dealing with believing God has forgiven me, and just trying to move on with my life. It is extremely damaging to a person”s psyche, peace of mind and etcetera. Anyways sha, I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve been there, done that (literally) and the great gifts, monetary benefits and good sex notwithstanding, it really aint all that…
  72. MrsA
    I cheated on my ex-husband, not proud of it, no excuses.

    Thankfully though, I'm happily remarried 🙂 hopefully (knock on wood) for a very long time.

    Believe me, there are worse issues in a relationship than cheating…

  73. Nene
    Wow, this is so apt. That's why I'm never ever friends with married men. Friends that I knew as single men I avoid after they get married because the danger of falling to temptation is always there….I actively do not meet them for lunch or whatever…..i think its just the way it should be…If however when I get married we can double date and what not, but until then an occassional "hello" via bbm, facebook or twitter is fine by me, thank you.
  74. anonymous
    yeah, there's just this one thing with me: I love listening to people talk about their problems (it's not like I seek problems out, I just enjoy being confided in). I love it when people share their problems with me and I can do something about it (even if it's just to be a bag they can shout their problems into without getting solutions or answers). I enjoy being there for people but it causes problems for me, kinda. Most guys tend to confuse my concern for some kind of romantic affection, ruining our friendships and getting confused themselves……………most times, I feel like I should pretend not to care so much, but I do, I always care (in a really platonic way) and I feel like trying to kill that part of me could destroy my essence. It's frustrating, really.
  75. Beemboh
    basically. it all goes down to the money issue. most of my friends with this experience did it because of the money and most of them said these married men are more caring and with less complications than the so-called young men of nowadays.
  76. Ola
    I have read most of the post on this blog and most people appear to be saints.

    Well, it actually happened to me, i was a victim of a relationship with a married man who also happened to be my ex. I had been brought up as a religious child and taught right and wrong from a child. Got into school and had a relationship, left town and we broke up. When i came back, we decided to hook up and have a drink or two.
    I have read posts about how the married men gave some ladies money and expensive gifts, but that was never my case, all it cost him was a cup of chapman. Even while we were dating, I had always been the one to shower him with gifts, always getting him gifts on his birthday, Christmas, Easter and always being the one to do more for the relationship, I was crazily in love with him, but I cannot recall just one single gift he ever got me.
    So when I saw him after a long time, the emotions all came rushing back and that night on our second meeting and after a cup of chapman, we went into the conference hall of the hotel we went for a drink and did it. My eyes opened when it all ended and I thought " THIS IS IT? DID I JUST CHEAT WITH A MARRIED MAN?' I have never felt so ashamed in my entire life. I literally felt like the ground should open up and swallow me, what a shameful act. A whole me? having sex with a guy in the corner of a conference room? I could not even have the decency of asking the guy to rent a room? I felt like some cheap ass N500 prostitute.
    After the whole saga, I could not live with the guilt, it was eating me up daily and after a few weeks, I had to tell my boyfriend what i had done. It devastated him and for the first time in my life, i saw a guy cry and that just finished and broke me and doubled my guilt. I lived with this guilt for a very long time. Though my boyfriend forgave me after many friends and family spoke with him that if I didn't feel guilty about what i had done, I would never have told him and it was likely that i will never do such again, but the scar it left on our relationship was immeasurable. I suffered for that singular action and anytime we had a fight or an argument, he would go back to that issue and remind me of my infidelity. Some people advised us to go our separate ways because the issue will never be forgotten, but we chose to hold on. It was not easy, to be constantly reminded of your sin, it was a living hell. Issues will come that i should normally react to, but i will remain dumb because of a past sin, it was horrible. But as they say, time heal all wounds and gradually he stopped talking about it and today, thank God for His grace and mercy and for giving me another chance, it is a past phase in our lives, we are happy and growing stronger by the day.
    I am truly grateful to God for giving me such a wonderful guy, he is a perfect man in all ramification who frowns on promiscuous living. He is loving, caring and all you can ever pray for in a man. When i think about how close i was to losing him, I just thank God for giving me a second chance and for His mercy and grace over my life. I have heard similar stories like mine, but they never made it back.
    Do you think with my experience that I will ever have anything to do with a married man again? Never!!!! I have drastically reduced my male friends and if he ever complains about any guy or man, i cut it off and keep my distance. I will rather keep my relationship and home 100 times over than give an ear to some guy out there who is only after getting you into bed and after then, treats you like a piece of trash and as if you don't exist. I came to realise that if he had thought I was so good, he would have married me and not the other lady, so why do I want to be the other woman or a concubine to a man who didn't think i was good enough to be made his wife? I am worth more than that or be used as a second hand or a form of entertainment when he is bored at home and needs a little excitement in his life, because HE WILL NEVER LEAVE HIS FAMILY FOR YOU!!!!
    This is a sinful act i regret with all my heart that I will never ever allow happen to me again in this lifetime.
    Thanks!

    1. ladybee
      Ola, reading your comment left me with mixed feelings and helped me see that I am doing the right thing. Been married 15yrs to the most amazing man, he's so thoughtful and kind and wants to do everything for everybody. People around us all look at our marriage as a perfect example and flock to us for help with theirs. I am back in med school now so we have been living apart for a little over a year with visits in between since he works in a different country, but we both talked about this and he actually spurred me onto follow my dream. I was shocked to my marrow when i found out on his recent visit that he had been having an affair with another woman where he lives for the past year! I never go snooping on his phone or emails though i thought we were practising an open policy neither have i ever felt the need to. To say i was devastated is putting it extremely mildly. I have never cried so much in my life. It made me question everything we've done, all 15yrs of our marriage. I was crushed. And all this when I was in the middle of big exams. In the past when we talk about things like this, he says men are wired differently from women and when a man cheats it doesnt mean he stopped loving his wife. I find that hard to stomach or comprehend, as for me the thought of another man's eyes on my body is completely abhorrent to me. In his defence, he didnt try to deny it, or turn the tables on me. He wept bitterly because I always said in passing that I am not one of those women to share my man and if such a thing happened i would walk away. And he was scared i really would walk away. But thats easier said than done. What about my kids? Is it fair to walk away and not forgive fro one indiscretion? But then i start thinking how do i know its just this once? what hurt most was knowing this went on for a year! would i have felt better if it was a one night stand? i really dont know. He pleaded seriously and reached out to older people he knows i respect to intervene. He was ready to call his and my mum, ready to face the fall out from them and the disappointment they would both feel. Where am i going with this? The pain of betrayal has to be felt to be understood. I'm not trying to rub it in your face but I want u to understand your fiance's position. It hurts more than words can describe, especially if the other party has been faithful. That being said, I can see from where you are standing and understand the importance of not constantly reminding the person of their sin. I made sure to never do that with my husband, after all we offend God and he forgives us so who are we really? I see him working so hard now to try to regain my trust. and i dont know how i feel. I still have my black days and i think today is one of them. I'm taking things one day at a time and believing i will heal with time. However, there has to be a willingness on both parts to work through this. I'm glad you mentioned he has stopped throwing this in your face but you have to be sure he wont resurrect it again when you get married. It will be extremely hard living like you must sped the rest of your life trying to atone. You must ask yourself is it worth it in the end? The hardest thing is the broken trust. I dont know if i can stand in public nw and say i trust my husband without being afraid someone who knows something i dont will yimu at me. I wish you peace just as i wish myself. Bless you….
  77. pplp
    please advise me on what to do, since i don't have a boy friend and the only person in my life is a married man. I find it difficult to stop him, he always come around when ever I felt lonely.
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      I know it's hard to accept when people just tell you to stop and there's no immediate alternative but even if you're not religious, understand that it's easier to receive things then you open your palm and let go of what you're holding on to.

      It's very hard and I can only imagine because he's there for you most of the time and he gives you attention etc but like many people here have said, he is never going to leave his wife/family for you. Do you want to look back 10 years from now and feel sorry for yourself for holding on to a shadow? If you dont leave him completely, you'll never really be able to notice other prospects around you. Take the bold step today.

  78. anonymous
    hmmmm…so true this post. its never easy breaking a strong emotional connection. U might think you can manage it but its going to over power you. so its sensible not to venture into it at all whether a married man or not. Am presently fighting and struggling with this. it isnt funny. so take heed!
  79. Andrews
    Well, most times it is the young girls that flirt around married men and as they are tempted sore they fall. We can say this from the view point of lecturers who has several of these girls in the class and all of them competitively seeking attention for one reason or the other. The only escape route from this is surrendering totally to Jesus and He takes over one's life and passion …
    1. ladybee
      lol. Very funny. But how many people have commented on here? For sure the cheaters aren't ghosts from mars, but its just sad that some people knowingly go after a married man, not caring about how the wife at home feels. Forget all this karma is a bitch business o. I never dated a married man when i was single but just found out my husband had an affair for a whole year. She knew straight up he was married and even had the effrontery t check up on him when he travelled to see me and the kids because we are currently not in the same city due to work and school commitments. This girl will probably end up with a correct bobo who wouldn't even dream of cheating. So where is the justice in that? It was a big shock to me and a rude awakening cos I thought our marriage was rock solid and he never gave me any reason whatsoever to even think or suspect that. So yes, they are not ghosts from mars. Some fall innocently, but come on, you see a 45yr old man with grey hair and expect him not to be married? You're lying to yourself then…
  80. Friday
    First of all lets not get judgemental. also let no one say i can never…. that phrase is over used and abused. even church sisters have fallen for a guy before… what if he doesnt even say he is married till u in too deep? so please do not be so quick to pick yourself out as innocent.
    On why guys do it….. its rather simple… there are different kinda guys and to be honest most alpha males cheat, this is simply cos their DNA is coded that way, they meet a chic and want to conquer. it takes the holy spirit and only the holy spirit to sstop them. If you marry a wimp you have nothing to fear, he will be too grateful to look outside.
    Now for the ladies its simple…. women are creatures of comfort. also theres no big or little sin, if you sleep with a single guy its fornication if married its adultery plus even f you lie about not being able to come for a wedding cos of work or illness … all to hell, so please why suffer yourself with one single guy that will be tossing you up n down cos lets face it married men are more caring and interesting. plus girls who date married men marry quicker… maybe its lessons learnt??
    So if you havent dated a married man you dont know what you missing, its one life… give that cute married man you scoping from afar a chance. might just be the best experience in your life.
    P.s Guys who want to avoid cheating … best way is to stay broke and Girls is to stay Ugly or try and look ugly.
  81. Don
    Learnt so much from you guys on this. young, tall and cutely married man i am. In an extra marital relationship with a girl i liked so much. Now i needed to break this stuff not only for my interest but for her own. It will hurt her i know but thats the only way i need to help her. How do i go about it? Note: They are many but this particular one is really touching me most. can and have already decided to fling others to the wall. Advise please.
  82. Wealthlord
    I already lost my marriage because of my wedded wife following married men about to extent of when am not around my ex wife locked my kids in alone in the house and went partying with an old foolish man. I got home only to meet my 8 year old kids alone at home all night and when she came came following morning she was surprised and she left never come back me too I do not pray to have her back in life. Problem is that women want everything in a man once they do not have it all they cheat on their man. a woman want young, handsome, energetic, rich, bold, Godly, caring, understanding, ambitious man, all these qualities in a man. Imagine!!!!
  83. peteraugust
    Myn is the other way round,the lady in was seriously dating suddenly came to me and said some guy has asked her to.marry him,since I had no funds to marry her and from the look of things she was already into the marriage stuff so I freed her to marry the guy,they’ve been married for 3 years and have a baby, but past few months she suddenly sent me a friend request on fb,i accepted thinking it’s no big deal after all shes married I kept my chats with her formal like respectable friend but last week she’s asking every question about everything happening in my life and next thing I know she’s telling me she misses me,i have pumped the brakes.still stunned doe.
  84. Clement
    There’s nothing wrong been a friend to a married man, but one need to draw a distinct line between friendship and affair. If not properly handled, it may backfire.
  85. Lexis
    Ladies are always looking for nice and good things, ask a lady what she will like to see in his future husband and you will hear all the nice goodies, there are so many things in a marriage unless you are not yet married, its not easy at all. There are so many men around that has being turned into drunkards and others that chooses to stay out late after close of work cos there is no more peace in the house..some ladies listens to their friends a lot, comparisons and all that.. A man may cheats based on so many factors, it doesn’t just happen like that, others also do it for the fun of it and not necessarily trying or knowing he is hurting the lady..but seriously, ladies should not rush into marriages, now a days the slogan of most ladies is i want to get married, taken the stress to know if the guy really loves her is out of the equation, the fact that he has a good job, nice looks and financially sound is OK for most of them.. But our forefathers did not take this path, they looked for whom they loved and be loved…
  86. ken
    lo.its real.here is my story am dating a married man, who’s the wife and kids stays in the Usa, am really not sure at this relationship, kindly, advice, I love this man, he visits his family twice in every year, is it bad to date him..☆
    1. Olaolu
      Hi Ken,
      I really hope this reply is not reaching you late. I really appreciate the honesty in your comment. Please let me state a few things:
      1) You are dating this man
      2) He is married
      3) He has kids
      4) His wife and kids are in the states
      5) I infer you both reside in the same area.

      Dear Ken, i know you love this man, but he is not going to leave his family for you. He is dating you because he is offline from his family, so more or less a temporary solution to the challenge of not having his family around. He may promise you heaven and earth, he might even promise to leave his family and settle down with you, but please let me tell you, even if he does, how are you assured he wont leave you and your kids for someone else tomorrow also. Ask yourself, what do you really want in a relationship ? How far do you want to go with him ? Remember, his wife and kids wont be happy if they knew you are taking their place, and dividing the love of their dad from them. I bet you want a man you love, and whom you will marry and settle down with, with complete rest of mind and fulfillment in life. It’s not going to happen in this sort of relationship, and i would not waste my time investing my emotions and efforts building a relationship i always knew would not last. Your real man might just be around the corner, please don’t give up.
      You might also say you just want to be with him for the time being. Put yourself in the shoes of his wife and kids, how happy are you going to be if, after getting happily married and having kids, someone else steals you husband, your joy and your happiness from you.
      You deserve happiness and fulfillment in life and relationship, and it is going to happen, if you do the right things.
      I hope i have been of some help.
      Thank you.

  87. Gold
    Good forum to discuss,
    Pls, My boss is about to make this move, he’s beginning to be unnecessary nicer, he said I should ask if I need anything, asking how I’m gonna be spending my weekend even when I said with my boyfriend, he still said maybe we could chat up sometimes & so so)…….I can see the lust in his eyes and as well see the fear in him, he doesn’t know what to expect from me, if I were gonna be rude, or he’s gonna be disrespected, but…. I need an advice on ways to politely to kill that moves because I wouldn’t like to be rude or disrespectful and at the same time tell it to him I’m not interested.. ..he’s a good and kind boss and also of his good attitude towards other staffs both male and female is nice but to me is beginning to be nicer.
    Pls help out!!!!
    Thanks.
  88. Gold
    So sad that I didn’t get any help from this forum, tomorrow is Monday and I’ll be seeing my boss but I need to clear things out.
    Anyways, I’m out…
    Thanks
    1. Odii
      Hey, Gold. Hope this won’t be reaching you late. But better late than never, really. I am a man and I can tell you that the best way to deal with advances from men is to state CLEARLY and FIRMLY that you are not interested, even in the seemingly innocent get-togethers and hangouts. Since he is your boss, you must be polite when you speak with him. Don’t assume that he will give up in time if you just keep giving him a cold shoulder, you would be dead wrong on that! Make it clear to him where you think he is going and that you are very uninterested and unavailable. But, reassure him that you will continue to be a nice coworker and maintain a respectful boss-sub relationship with him.

      Caution: If he backs off after your discussion, don’t relax and feel you’ve won. Yes, you have only won the first bout of the fight, and he will surely come on a counter attack, perhaps via a more subtle – or even frontal – method. So, you must keep winning by being alert. If you are a football lover you would know that a team wins, not just by scoring the first goal, but by maintaining their lead by scoring more goals and/or protecting their lead by preventing an equalizer from the opponent. So, you must be polite, yet firm, in warding him off – and remain so. If you get threats (some men can turn wicked if they don’t succeed) since he is your boss, you might consider quitting the job.

      I have a very helpful article on this issue but it’s too lengthy to be shared here. In any case, I do hope my suggestions above will help. I wish you success in your fight to keep your morals.

      Cheers!

  89. brownie
    Well let’s say I ve fallen ,yea I ve mostly cuz of my OJUKOKORO yes! After these ordeals I always sit myself down,dissect d ordeal nd generally ve a hrt to hrt conversation wiv myself. Nd now I sure am WISER!
  90. Blade
    Me I won’t lie, I have dated lots of married guys. While in the Uni, it was so much fun and I loved the attention I got from them. I Was so deep into it that I even dated my friends uncles. One of my friend even set me up with her sisters husband. I had it all going for me till one day a friend called me aside and advised me to stop all these affairs.
    I decided she was only jealous of my lifestyle until I was done with Uni and finally stayed home fully. That was when I noticed issues in my parents marriage. Mumc was always praying against women who wanted to break up our home, that night I felt so restless. The next morning I blocked their numbers and deleted them from my fone.
    Just as I thought I could move past it all and find a serious relationship I meet this married man on my street.
    ( see ehn before you judge me) I wasn’t even giving him eye and I didn’t know he was married at first because he’s young and very cute. The first time we met was a day I was going out and it was drizzling and he offered to drop me at the estate gate. It wasn’t until later I found out he was married but his family stays in the uk. Right now I feel I’m too deep in it to stop. I really don’t know how to stop it
  91. ayo
    Not all of us who date married men want something deeper,
    we all don’t want them to leave their wives and children and be with us,
    quite a number of us know they are married and are fine with it,
    we also stay in our lanes and not try to enter positions that are not ours.
    When its time for wifey and kids, boo boo you can go and be with them
    when its our time, its our time. If there’s emergency and our time will be affected
    no problem love, we’ll be here waiting. When its boyfriend time too, boo boo you know
    you have to understand.
    And really all these karma this karma that, biko swerve even when we were faithful to our
    boyfriends they cheated. The wife who’s faithful to a cheating husband nko?
    What happened to karma?!

    Signed,
    President, Association of proud married men daters!
    Judge me!

    ****@TheToolsman has your anonymous research ended?

    1. Miss James
      Ayo, hmmmm, going through the comments and reading yours I just can’t imagine what you must have been through for you to have this mindset of comfortably dating married/taken folks but I would like to let you know that whether or not you intend to break a home or not, your being in the picture already does it.

      I cannot tell you to stop it because it is your decision to make. My only advice is for you to try self love, whoever hurt you in the past may have learnt his lesson or not, forgiven himself and moved on and you want to let your life be dictated by some lousy person’s action? When you love yourself enough you will discover that you deserve to be in an actual relationship with a real responsible man who will cherish you and even worship the grounds you step on, if he hasn’t come yet, keep waiting because believe me, we attract our thoughts, believe me, I can testify to that. Love yourself enough not to feed on leftovers and be the queen that you can be.

      Yours:
      President of the totally grossed by taken men.

  92. MailAnonymous
    Its just funny how we cast stones at people not minding that no one is totally without sins . I’ll tell my story and I hope I’m not crucified. I’ve been married for a little over 8 years. To a really large extent I trusted and never doubted him cos he was the quintessential church guy, the one who everyone said was “holy”. “The good guy” like he was fondly called by most of my friends and they never failed to remind me how lucky I was to have him. 5 years down the line I found out he was neck deep in affairs,seeing the kind of conversations he had with these chics and things they had done(messages dating back to 2 years before still on his phone) totally broke me in pieces!You don’t want to know the extent of damage it did to my fragile heart!I was beyond devastated! All I knew was to soothe myself with cans and cans of alcohol or drain bottles of champagne alone trying to drown my sorrow.I stooped turning down party invites that I know could keep me out late. It was the worst time of my life.For someone who never took anything but the regular fizzy drinks, it came as a shock to my friends that i was almost a drunk(we all handle issues differently, TNC readers take note)…In a few months I had become a different person, hubby didn’t understand me anymore and he totally kept his distance…We lived like enemies…I became a total stranger to myself and started seeking solace outside my home. The only reason I was somewhat sane was cos of my kids.In as much as I took solace in them, it didn’t stop me from trying to repay hubby in his own coin(not the best decision at the time but I did it) all I needed was someone I could talk to who could make me take my mind of the issues I had going on ……
    Emotionally,and in part physically, I’ve cheated.Though it never got to the point of sex, but who says it couldn’t have happened if I had let it.Its not the same between us anymore. Do I regret anything I’ve done? No I don’t! Can I trust My husband? No I can’t. Doesn’t mean I don’t want a marriage filled with so much bliss. Will that happen? I don’t know.Only time, forgiveness, confessions,so much effort and the Grace of God will tell.
    My point here is, women cheat too but truth be told, in as much as there is no justifiable reason to do it,in most cases husbands are the reasons this happens.
  93. DOT
    I just stumbled on this and i’m wondering if God is trying to warn me:
    I met this very young, tall and cute guy some earlier this week and even though he isn’t hitting on me, i’m personally trying to hold myself together.
    If only he didn’t ask for my number…As i write this, we have spoken or chatted every single day (Just normal day-to-day talk) , he calls to check up on me and the kinda thing that makes a single girl mushy-mushy.
    I was checking him out online, just to know who he is and found that he is married with 2 kids (The older daughter already about 7 years old) and he never mentioned it. There was a day we were chatting on Whatsapp and i think he mistakenly dialed my number and i heard his kids talking and stuff, so i sent a message:regards to your kids. He responded by saying:i didn’t know i had kids….
    Is he trying to hide something…i don’t want to have anything with a married man (can be friends with him tho but i don’t understand why he’s never mentioned them)
    What do you guys think please.
    1. Odii
      Sometimes I wonder why people can’t do a simple brain work. Why do you have to post this here to solicit comments from readers? Do you need a soothsayer in order to realize that you are fishing in crocodile infested waters? If there’s the slightest indication that a man is married, then he surely must be. A single man is totally SINGLE, with no traces of matrimonial involvement, whether real or perceived. So girlfriend, if I must advise you, even though I don’t feel obliged to, seek relationships with very transparent and truly single men. If I were you, I won’t wait for that man’s wife to knock at my door with a machete in hand before I server all ties with that infidel of a man. God has given each of us a brain to do some thinking with it, so do just that. Cheers!
  94. Onidodo
    Odii go easy on your sarcasms! She is looking for solace and advise don’t blame her. If you have ever being confused or been at cross roads even your brains can fail to think straight. Its not like she did anything wrong. She really wants to be guided. My dear DOT, in as much as I feel for your condition,. I would advice you tell him the truth that you cannot date a married man. If you really wish to blow his tops find out when his wife will be home visit him and become friends with his wife. He will so run from you. Anyways that will too extreme though. Bottom line tell him your mind and free yourself. I am married with a kid not that I am a saint but i have a fair shear of my affairs but since my woman is not a push over caught not red handed though decided to hang my boots and concentrate on her and its been awesome.
  95. DOT
    , if you are so pissed…you really didn’t have to comment, you could have passed by.
    ,thanks but you seem not to understand the situation, he is not asking to date me (he’s never mentioned it)
    I just wanted to hear other people’s opinion as against @Odili’s opinion of not being able to think.
  96. Leelee
    I fell in love with a man. We were such goid friends. He was so interested in my life. Wanted to know how many cups of water i had had, which country my new human hair was from and my career goals. Wanted pictures of me dressed going to church, going for nysc cds and anywhere else. We were on skype all day and all night, talked all the time. If i was out we would be on whatsapp. As in we video skyped once he woke up while he was still in bed and while hes taking an early morning dump and when he’s about to sleep. Then i found out he was married. I was hurt but i was taken by him. So i did what was best. Invited him to my house, let him kiss me, fondle my boobs and suck a nipple (only one) then i chased him and his fucking boner out of my fucking house. Bye felicia
  97. Scar
    From a personal Experience…I never dated a married man before getting married but after getting married, my man’s cheating attitude just sprung out to my face literarily. I was advised by other married women that it is a norm, I tried everything possible in my naive mind to stop him from cheating…cooking skills, sex e.t.c I had to let go at some point– when the STDs became frequent. In between, we were blessed with children but he just got worse. Now We are no more and he is married to someone he was cheating on me with. Im sure he didn’t tell her he has some STDs he will always live with and he is still spreading. Some men are just wicked! My kids came home one day after his usual pickup and visits telling me that Dad who is a newly wed to his new wife as introduced them to his new girlfriend–A married man?.

    Did I regret leaving, No! Peace of mind is vital to a fulfilled life. I can’t imagine how karma is chilling with that woman right now. I’m healing and thank God for my immediate family and family lawyer.

    As a single mum, I have many intending married men who want to date me. But when I look back at my past and all the pain I had to go through because my man was a chronic cheat, I create a friend-zone. It hasn’t been easy, but causing another human pain, fustration, anguish, been part of a broken home is how I see ladies who condone cheating with married men…

    Best advice I will give to people dating married men/women. Use condoms o . HIV/AIDS ,Herpes , clamydia e.t.c is real.

    1. woyi_oc
      Man, that’s rough. Do you mean you have “many men who want to date you with the intention of marriage”…?
      It’s actually understandable that you’d want to stay out of the dating pool and face your life and your children. After a man cheats to the point of passing STI’s around…I don’t blame you, at all!! Take time and heal. Sure after the injuries heal, there will be scars. But at least the pain won’t be there anymore. Just give it time.
  98. Eve
    I’ve read this article before, and then I told myself I wouldn’t comment. And I didn’t because the married man and I were happy. We were in love, all was well, so none of this doomsday stuff applied to me.
    Fast forward a year and what we have is in tatters. Did I mention I’m also married? That between us we have 5 kids? But none of that stopped us. We thought we invented love. Star crossed lovers, soul mates, destined to meet and love by powers greater than us.
    I had been married 3 years when we met. He had been married just a year more. The chemistry was instantaneous, nuclear powered. We managed to hold out for 5 months before we finally gave in to our baser instincts and did the deed.
    Four years later and the magic has finally fizzled, the taboo relationship ran its course. His wife found out,my husband found out,invariably as it always happens. The fall out is indescribable…Easier for him because he is a man, less so for me.
    We are currently in full disclosure mode, current standstill on my divorce proceedings only because of the children and relatives intervening as they always seem to do in this part of the world. It was never supposed to be like this, but truthfully, neither of us knew where the road would take us when we embarked upon this dangerous journey.
    I have no answers now to all the questions being asked of me. All I have is the weight of a thousand anchors on my chest.
  99. estar
    If only these sluts know the hurt and agony they are causing the wives of the married men they are involved with.I have been married for about ten years now and hubby is a chronic cheat,he gets involved with two or more of these girls at the same time.He doesn’t feel remorseful about it even if I found out.I have tried to endure this for this 10 years but can just take it any longer,with the fact that he physically abuses me too if I try to talk it out with him.There were times I resolve to contacting these girls myself and would beat hell out of me when he finds out.I am the edge of moving out.
  100. Ubby
    This is the last hour. As it was in the times of NOAH, Sodom and Gomorrah. That’s how it is now. The whole duty of Man is to worship God. Let us change our ways. We know what is right. Let’s do it. Judgement is sure!
  101. Ufuomaee
    Finally got around to read this piece! Nice one . I haven’t read the comments yet.

    Thought you might be interested in a story series I’m doing called AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. Check it out at http://www.Ufuomaee.com. I tell the story from a married woman’s perspective.

  102. oluwakemi
    Hav bin married to my husband now 4 12yrs n got 3 lovely kids. he is bin cheating on me since we got married, have tried all I can to make him concentrate on me n d kids but all to no avail, several STDs, right now we live like strangers, we stopped sharing d same room, he abuses me verbally n emotionally, he makes me feels less of a woman, I am a chartered accountant, he is always suspecting me even wen there is no reason for it, I stopped working n started my business from wat I was able to gather while I was working, he wldnt allow me to do my business claiming it is an opportunity for me to visit my parents all d time cos my business is close to there house. most times wen I plan to leave him, his reactions suggest he doesn’t want me to live but he is not ready to make me happy. I am at a crossed road now, I am very depressed, unhappy constantly having a chest pain due to painful thots. cheating on him also is not an option for me cos am a born again christian.
  103. Reny
    I sympathize with you. I’m happy you are able to set some boundaries to prevent the STDs. An alternative is to insist on condoms with him if both of you still want to have a sex life. I apologize for your husband’s abusing you emotionally, i’m not one to give excuses for people’s bad behaviour so i will just go straight to ask if you can rise above his cheating, ignore it, stoo tracking his cheating and concentrate on things that make you happy like your kids and new business. There’s no merit in becoming like him-a cheat- n even if you were not a born again christian, you should not lie in filth because someone dirty has stained your clothes. To the single men and ladies who willingly or accidentaly end up sleeping with married persons, some of you believe the lies your married partner tells you, some are unable to imagine what is going on to the cheat’s spouses and some can’t or don’t care because their material needs trumps their conscience needs. To all, we all know when we are right or wrong, one of those gifts that come with being adult, so choose to do the right thing as soon as possible. There’s a view that marriage should mean sexual faithfulness, when the reality for many married people is otherwise. Many men and lately women are unfaithful in their relationships before marriage, can a ring and a few holy words transform them? I don’t know the statistics of the transformed but I suspect it’s very low. Then there’s the group that learn to cheat after marriage for many reasons like i was bored, she’s no longer hot, she’s fat, he’s fat, he’s broke. Whatever your reasons, unless you and your partner have an open marriage type agreement, or you are willing to divorce, then your excuses don’t hold water.
  104. Ojuolape
    , was reading this again and the comments. Please you need to do a marriage series. as I have stated in another post, I am interested in reading and/or being involved with this in any capacity.
    At the end of the day, marriage is tough. I won’t come here and form holy. All I can say is God bless us and guide us all, everyone on this journey.
  105. Nene

    Am married for 13yrs with 3kids. Its been tough married to an emotional man. Over time you assume you are the problem always the problem.

    Gone from depressed to numbness. We are a picture perfect family.

    Recently i reconnected via Fb with an old school mate we got chatting and became good friends over time. We advice each other whenever we have ishes with our spouses…then we became more than friends only via chat. Now we are emotionally connected and i will say in love.

    We vowed never to meet. this relationship has been therapeutic for me. I have regained my self worth and now more focused. I now eat healthy, work better and am able to cope better with the home front by seeing things differently. Since this experience i have learned never to judge anyone because you never know their state of mind at that moment in time. I will never physically cheat on my marriage but am happy.

    This is my story.

  106. obi
    Mine is quite different, I hate to have an affair with any married Man cos I see it as stupidity and cheat,like putting me into emotional bondage that leads to no where but I regret to find myself in such, what I hate most, it happens sudden,when he touched my breast,and it was a shock to me coS I least expected it so I ran away but after that day have not gotten myself even till now,is like a spell,I really want to deliver myself fast, he too don’t want it to further happens but the desire is strongly there. Anytime am with him I shake in strong desire..pls help,I must not do it
  107. Orlaarmy
    Wow! The comments on this post are really deep. Reading people bear their mind made me realize that some marriages are really hurting.

    Hmm *deep sigh*

  108. Crystabel Jide
    interesting topic just stumbled on it. my husband cheats without batting an eyelid and then turns around to blame me anytime i catch him. from the beginning of the marriage, we are 15years gone. it must run in their family cause his brother’s wife is also complaining. my husband goes for married and single ladies. he starts with being a helpful person, sometimes i know these ladies so he kind of feels i won’t suspect but when calls are taken far away from you, phone always in hand like a day old baby and of course the ” i- am -working- late” ”am- on- indefinite- nite call” i know he’s at it again. right now am so depressed, so alone. we’ve talked about separation but we want the kids to mature enough to take whatever comes.
  109. highlandblue
    My heart broke reading the comments here again. Didn’t even realize it was a 3 year old post. The things I want to say I cannot say them anymore. Even the you nko thoughts I had in my mind are just lame right now.
  110. Woke Woman
    One guy so good natured, smart, intelligent, sweet. We were friends till things took a turn, I felt flattered, I enjoyed the flirting. Till hugs turn to small pecks in the forehead, next thing we were in bed making out. Before this stage turned to sex, I found out he had a woman, I ended it. I can do better, I deserve better.
    He is Jamaican, I heard Jamaican men can have 5 families in 5 different cities. I no do, abeg!
  111. Honest
    Realized I had a thing for older guys.. And most times they were taken …
    How did I solve this problem? I married a polygamist ! (I have 2 other sister wives ) Great sex, Great arrangements , Great understanding ….
    Basically, for some reason, it works and keeps things interesting.. *shrugs*
  112. abokiyar
    Wow! ..this is such a long time coming story. I am attracted to older men, there is just something about older and wiser that appeals to me, unfortunately most are married. Searching for a polygamist!
  113. Chinyere
    So I’m currently having an affair with a married man, he’s 50 and I’m 22. I know obviously he won’t leave his wife for me but I guess it feels okay because his family isn’t in Nigeria. I do have a boyfriend but he doesnt work in Lagos.He’s such a sweet guy and we have amazing sex so it’s hard to think about the wrong in what we’re doing. He says it’s okay if I find someone I want to get married to and move on. I know what we’re doing is wrong but I literally cannot move on from this situation because I’ve made a lot of emotional investments in this relationship.
  114. gorgeous
    I just stumbled on this page and my God I cannot believe the realities that I have come to read here. Yes I know men cheat and girls having affairs with married men and married men having affairs with single or married ladies, but what has torn me to pieces is the stories of th
    ese women and men that have been cheated on. The pain, the hurt, the depression. …the suffering. my heart goes out to you and please don’t die on anybody’s account. We were all created as individuals and deserve to be happy. …Na wa o. God help us.

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