“I’ve balanced!” my colleague Fade said with a huge sigh of relief. That was basically my cue to leave the office each day as my Head of Operations had passed a strict rule that no one was to leave the office (especially the customer service officer which happened to be me), until the tellers had balanced their transactions for the day.

Truthfully it didn’t make any sense to me considering I was living the farthest but I was deter-“mind” not to complain and give my boss one more reason to think that everyone who attended a private university was a weakling. As I headed straight to TBS to catch the bus to Ajegunle, I mumbled a short prayer asking God to make me the last person in the bus. All this kabashing was so I won’t miss my favorite telenovela.

And you totally guessed right! The reverse was the case. Not only did I see someone sit on my dream chair, I painfully watched as a bus left the park making me the first in the metallic monster that was next in line. Hissing rather loudly (I know it’s a bad habit and I’m working on it), I got into the rickety bus, being very careful not to allow my knitted sweater get caught on one random nail sticking out from one of the seats. As I headed straight for the last seat by the window, I noticed that the bus had so many of them it could very well have been a cactus! Ajegunle buses are the worst I swear! The very epitome of the magic school bus from hell! I mumbled another short prayer this time praying the bus would fill up quickly.

I know some of you will ask why I didn’t stay in the passenger’s seat by the driver instead of heading for the back but trust me when I say it’s for the best. You NEVER want to experience sitting on the engine of an Ajegunle bus. The heat not only burns your derriere but the leather of your shoes. I digress.

As I waited patiently, a barbing salon cum video club was blasting music. I rolled my eyes as the song switched from Drake’s “Hotline Bling” to Big Shef’s hiphop version of his mother’s Waka hit “Gentle lady”.

“Gentle lady ni mi mi n ki se fighter o…” I sang along not because I liked the song but because I hated it. Call me strange but I find that I know the lyrics to songs I detest quicker that the ones I love. This makes criticizing the song sweeter as I mimic the musician in the most annoying way.

Barely 10 minutes later, I had paid the conductor (who became my friend simply because I helped him change a thousand Naira to crisp 100 Naira notes) and nonchalantly scanned my fellow seat mates. Sitting at the other end of the chair was an old woman and in between the both of us were two men. Now the thing is I typically wouldn’t care about whom I was sitting with on the same row but I just had to. I really didn’t have a choice. A rather unusual stench had followed one of them into the bus and right beside me.

Jokes aside, I pride myself at being able to discern scents and stenches and what makes up the combination and I kid you not when I tell you the stench reeked of shoe polish and fish guts. In fact, to be exact, the popular bony sawa fish. I assessed the carrier of the malodor expecting to see a fish seller but boy-oh-boy was I disappointed.

Mr. Polish was a well-dressed dude in a navy blue suit carrying a laptop bag. No he wasn’t eye candy (that would have killed me!) but he wasn’t bad either. Tsk tsk tsk…His mother didn’t scrub him well is what my grand ma would have said if she were in my shoes at that moment.

“Abeg conductor off this light make we no boil!” Mr. Polish said. Then he looked at me and added, “abi what do you feel?”

I knew that scope immediately. Na so toasting dey take start and seriously ain’t nobody gat time for that. I had already been seized by the bae and I was loving it.

Back to the matter, I simply gave Mr. Polish a nice smile, shrugged and put my head down to feign sleep.
Fast forward to 30 minutes later in the mad Ijora-Olopa traffic, feigned sleep became the real deal y’all. I was fast asleep with my head on the edge of the seat in front of me and was about to enter Stage 2, when I felt the tickling sensation to the side of my right breast! I woke up with a start and peered at Mr. Polish. He actually looked so innocent I thought I imagined it. In fact I assumed my bag was about to be picked.

Grabbing my bag a little tighter to my chest, I became alert and resumed my sleeping position only this time it was for show. I became a monitoring spirit for my own bag and bazoongas!

And there it was…

Two fingers tracing the side of my breast and heading straight for my nipple.

Omo! That was all the ginger I needed! Gentle lady went out the window and Warri area girl took her place. The slap was swift and deft! A resounding back hand slap across Mr. Polish’s mouth left not only his upper lip split in half but three of my knuckles bleeding.

“What do you think you’re doing?” I asked ever so sweetly, yet menacingly enough for him to dare retaliate or even answer.

A befuddled Mr. Polish stared at me in utter disbelief as he tasted his own blood.

Ahn ahn! What is the meaning of this?” he asked shakily.

Beeeep! Wrong answer!!

And that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. A quick jab with my elbow to his left side, two more slaps across his face and a head-butt to his chest answered his question.

Then there was chaos. Shouts of “wetin”, and “e don do” prompted the conductor to switch on the inner light. The old mama on my row decided she was in the best position to explain to the other passengers.

“If to say the girl wear open cloth I for say na em cause am but na office cloth she wear. And ashewo dese days no dey pass 300 naira for the cheapest one still yet na working class woman u see to go touch em bress”.

Truthfully I’m not sure if I was embarrassed by the fact that she had told the whole bus that I was sexually harassed but all I wanted at that time was for Mr. Polish to get off the bus.

“Oya come dan naa before I open my eyes! Oohhkay! Na because you won do bad thing na em make you tell me make I off light!” the conductor screamed. “Tell the girl sorry first make you come dan”. To the driver he added, “owa driver! Idiot won come dan!”

Mr. Polish knew his career in “exploring the contours of a female body” had come to a disgraceful end as he got up, adjusted his tie, muttered a quick apology and eased his way to the door.

Yet the craziest part of the whole ordeal was not the fact that everyone became buddies in the bus because they were all talking about what had happened and were exchanging stories, or the fact that two ladies identified Mr. Polish as a regular breast explorer or that a woman rebuked me for having slapped Mr. Polish because he could have retaliated and I could have lost a tooth. It was what my fellow seat mate, Mama to be precise, said to me.

“Fine geh, the soap wey u dey use baff no good. Na the soap dey attract this kain man and if you no change am, e go happen again,” she croaked.

I simply laughed, told her thank you and chalked her sayings as superstitious balderdash.

Well, guess who wasn’t laughing when the same thing happened the following week? Me! And guess what was even creepier? Mama was in the same bus when it happened and she gave me the “you-never-change-your-soap-abi?” look.

And just so you know…

No! I wasn’t sleeping again. This guy was way more advanced. I’ll save the details for another day.

Yes! I punched him in the gut before alighting from the bus. No need to start another ruckus but he wasn’t getting off that easy.

No! I haven’t stopped using my soap. When next I see Mama I’ll ask her to recommend one and as long as it’s not Omo, Mama Lemon or S.T, I’m good.

Yes! I now leave the office in time to the catch the ferry or better still I take a bike straight home. I milked the situation well enough to make my Head of Operations feel guilty for making me experience such abuse.

My breasts are still intact. Bae and the mirror still confessed it to me.

Nothing missing (my bag), nothing broken (my tooth), or deflated (my breasts).

Image via Science of Natural Game

Responses

  1. A Loco Viva Voce
    I have definitely done that before in an office some GM tried to molest me (outside Nigeria btw). The back of my hand left an imprint on his face after which the police had a fun filled day preying on the predator following my file for sexual harassment. Bloody perverts! I commend your strength Twister. Well done!

    Read today’s post on the different types of food to avoid when pregnant that would be beneficial to mother and baby.

    WHAT AND WHAT NOT TO EAT WHEN PREGNANT OR BREASTFEEDING PART I
    http://alocovivavoce.com/2016/02/01/what-and-what-not-to-eat-when-pregnant-or-breastfeeding-part-i/

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  2. Olushola
    The mental picture of the head-butt intrigues me.
    So sad (but i couldn’t help laughing away) this could happen in the 21st century. But the consolation is the fact that you could stand and defend yourself.

    Women should learn some self-defense.

    1+
  3. MISS SHAGALOT
    I know this story like the back of my hand…
    “I kid you not when I tell you the stench reeked of shoe polish and fish guts. In fact, to be exact, the popular bony sawa fish.” too bad… am thinking the stench was supposed to keep you distracted from the boob pressing, guess it wasn’t strong enough. Headbutts and Blow slaps… only you would do that.
    Heard of a time same thing happened to a girl on the bus and cos she couldn’t give the slaps and all, peeps on the bus turned an her and she ended up crying off the bus.
    Its time we ladies raise our voices against such acts, you be grabbing by babies, a’ma be aiming to crush your balls brov. Maybe if he had asked for permission he have have gotten a free pass to the boobies (but with the stench… I seriously doubt it). Either ways, good post.
    4+
    1. Twisted Post author
      Thanks miss shagalot! I’ve actually witnessed something similar to what you mentioned. Where a chic gets touched and cos all she kept saying was “how could you” , the stupid man who touched her boobs shunned her completely. Unapologetic! I was so vexed!
      I guess that’s why I reacted as I did. I didn’t want to be in her shoes.
      0
  4. JADE
    Hahahaahahha, my fellow Ajegunle sister! this was too funny. It happened to me but in onitsha, and it was an old man very old man who tried to finger me through my jeans, i was also also asleep when i felt the finger and thought my handbag which was on my thighs falling off so i reflexively tightened my legs, lo and behold a wrinkled old arm was on my thigh and his fingers trapped between my laps, omo the slapi gave that baba ehn! he must have gone deaf. The conductor started shouting at me and i calmly told him to ask the baba what he did to warrant the slap, oya baba wetin you do? the Baba replied ” ogba salu gi? o ginwa k’omalu ula?” e concern u? na u dem slap?. Na so discussion take end.
    11+
    1. Twisted Post author
      I don’t know what I would have done to that man! The nerve of him! You touch my tits and you get hell but to aim for my…! Oh damn! I will nail you to the cross! *rolls sleeves *
      1+
  5. Cavey
    “Fine geh, the soap wey u dey use baff no good. Na the soap dey attract this kain man and if you no change am, e go happen again,”

    ???
    I died at this point!

    Please, soap has nothing to do with the pig nature some men have. If only your soap had such powers, I’m sure we wouldn’t have so many assaults.
    Twisted is a fine girl.
    Twisted is also a warri girl.
    Twisted knows when to be ‘fine geh’ and when to be ‘warri babe’ (cc slaps and headbutt).
    Twisted is smart.
    Be like Twisted.

    12+
  6. omolorlah
    Hahaha jade story..baba no fit talk wetin apen. I was on my way to school dat day so I was in hurry I couldn’t wait for another bus to come so I took standing inside BRT. Anytym I take standing am very conscious of who is behind me and am very sure dat day b4 d bus moved it was a woman standing behind me. We left onipan and b4 we got to idi iroko I started feln somtn pinchn me at d back bt cos I knw its a woman behind me,I don’t bother to check so I shifted a li2 to my surprise d thing shifted wt me dats wen I looked back and it was a guy behind me not metn my eyes and I looked down God! it was his dick fully erected in his jean trouser. Immediately that he knew I undstnd what was happening he just removed his bag from his back and covered himself…I don’t knw Y I couldn’t dished him a slap maybe cos I wasnt expecting dat to apen in a public bus or I don’t want to be people’s topic cos am going to d last bus stop and I hate to be centre of attraction..cos if I had slap him people wl know what apened wtout talkn cos its obvious…Now I knw if such apen again if I can’t gv him a head butt lyk twisted he is going to get my dirty of slap twice
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  7. Uche
    Lol closest experience. I went to make my hair. They finished late. Found a bus, sat by the window as usual. Some drunk guy came to sit beside me. Started groping, I screamed, left the seat. Went somewhere else, baba followed me. Lol. I kept screaming. Everyone thought I was mad. He started groping one other lady as my noise nor let am do. The lady started screaming too. They pushed the man off at the next bus stop.
    0
    1. Twisted Post author
      Somehow if Mr polish was drunk I may not have gone all jet Li on him. I may have slapped him and then changed my seat. He won’t follow me after that slap.
      0
  8. Julibravo
    guys like the one you described are one word – disgusting. It is appalling thinking about it again cos this happened to me some time ago.
    .I may not have been quick to slap him but I sure would have done so had he not run away the way he did… it was in class not a bus. pathetic fools.
    0
  9. omotawler
    ??Haaaahaaa.. I couldn’t contain my laugh. This hasn’t happened to me before though. But I can imagine what I’d do to such person.
    0
  10. Andrea
    Good story. I can’t say I’ve ever had this happen to me but now I know what to do, thanks to you. Bad things happen because we blame the victim instead of the attacker. Someone gets raped and the first question we ask is what was she wearing. Regardless of what she was wearing, Real men do not rape or abuse women. Clothing has nothing to do with it but the depraved minds of the attackers. We have slowly started attacking the victims of sexual abuse and rape making the deviant abusers think it is okay to rape a girl if they feel she isn’t dressed well or some other criteria. This has to stop. Change your soap, ko. Your soap has nothing to do with it dear. The man is just a pervert.
    7+
  11. Laykay
    Hilarious ?. The hardest I have laughed in years. I think the reason this distasteful act persists because victims often don’t react like you did or at all, prolly because they’re too embarrassed. I recommend your reaction as the standard forthwith.
    PS: Màmá was absolutely wrong about the ‘soap’ theory ?. It’s your body. You know you are cuddly – and not only riff-raffs are attracted ?.
    0
    1. JADE
      Very very common, just like sexual assault and harrasment by neighbours, relatives and familyfriends. Infact the Nigerian girl child is truly not safe, our daughters need to learn all forms of self defense o.
      2+
  12. Larz
    Naija ppl. Which one is change the soap you wear? Not only is our cloths the cause of our harrassment, our soap is too. Must we find fault in women?

    On a different note though, what you did could have ended up dangerous for you. This could have gone wrong. Imagine, no one saw him grope you. All the crowd would have seen was you slap a guy and if he retaliate (and beat you back), they wont support you.

    2+
    1. JADE
      Lai lai, not in this Naija. When she doesn’t look like a crase girl? questions must be asked o. Why u slap am?wetin u do wey she slap u? guilty con con no go even let the barger raise hand because he knows she will cast him and if he has beaten her, in case go worse. Scroll up and read the story of the girl that was still blowing big grammar on top her bress wey dem don press finish and how that turned out for her. Omo you have to be ready for all sorts in public transport in Nigeria o
      2+
    2. Twisted Post author
      Oh boy! That won’t be funny o! But what you said was what happened. Kinda’. No one except mama saw him grope me but just like jade said people must ask questions and if he had touched me,it would have been really bad for him considering he was in the wrong. Not forgetting mu new friend the conductor who was pressing P on my behalf.
      that said, I’m not bragging o but I could have taken that guy down easily. I’d aim for his balls or jugular. Thanks to Spartacus!
      2+
          1. Cavey
            Uhun.
            Who said anything about beating?
            It wasn’t me o.
            You could be dangerously beautiful o.
            In fact, thats what i meant…you’re dangerously beautiful.
            Ahan, fine geh, sexy geh, better pikin ?
            2+
  13. Adepero
    Too many bold perverts alive today. Similar experience in a unilag campus shuttle.
    I was sleepy when the fucktard tried to accidentally-on-purpose tap current. The sleep cleared from my eyes one time. I looked around and saw that the other two peps on my row had gotten off. Then I looked at this fucker feigning ignorance, so I pretended to fall back asleep and just angled my elbow properly.
    4 minutes into trap mode, dumb fucktard reached out for the boobie, I responded with a swift, sharp, force filled jab to his ribs with my well primed elbow. Nobody told the fucker before he moved all the way down to the other end of the sit.
    3+
    1. Twisted Post author
      4 minutes into trap mode, dumb fucktard reached out for the boobie, I responded with a swift, sharp, force filled jab to his ribs with my well primed elbow.
      ?????you want to kill somebody’s child?
      correct jare!
      1+
  14. Fissy
    Lmao!! Twisted ul not kill someone.. It happens to me on a steady. In the mornings when I’m still vexing for having to leave my bed, one mumu man would naa be trying to grab something. Dunno why they give themselves unnecessary konji after all the packaging of bra/sport bra/singlets to make sure the babes stay put, one man would naa be suffering to touch. I always ask them, why are u suffering urself oga. Allen avenue is at our backyard. Go and pay and don’t die young. You can’t touch anything at this rate. That always makes them leave me. I nor get hand to slap oh.
    1+
    1. Twisted Post author
      Funny enough my male colleagues kept asking why anyone would want unnecessary konji too! After touching,ehen? So what now? Will you taste the cookie now?
      This is probably the best way to describe “instant gratification”. Sharp sharp!
      0
  15. Sparks and Tingles
    So, those days that I took BRT from Magodo to VI, the days I woke up hours ahead of my body organs, the days my early morning wood was triggered by a mound of flesh pressed firmly against my crotch because we were standing in the aisle, packed like sardines and there was no wriggle-space. Could I have been slapped mercilessly without getting the chance to tell my own side of the story? *shudders*
    1+
    1. Twisted Post author
      I seriously doubt it cos there’s this look a guilty man has. Like he’s trying so hard to act like nothing happened.
      that’s what actually infuriates the ladies. At least for me.
      Dude may have gotten just a slap if he didn’t ask me that stupid question,forming “bet y?”
      1+
  16. Immanuel
    Oops! A busty lady did caress my hand with her breast, while she gazed into my eyes! Gaddamn it! I was the lecturer, while she was my student. I ensured I stared back, then gently dismissed her! Tis darn wise that ladies react ungently to any form of harassment, unlike guyz. Kudos!
    0
  17. jude
    Ok pls don’t take this the wrong way but for this to happen twice.. It’s either the men taking brt are utmost perverts..( I mean he didnt just brush against your boobs..he was working his way through them ) or you have a really impressive set ( not tha this gives an excuse, I still think its disgusting doing that )

    I suspect its a combination of the 2. Thots?

    0
    1. Uche
      Na. It’s not about the breast. I tell you. MANY MAD MEN exist in Nigeria. They wear suits and probably work with you. Utter disgrace to their families. Initially I used to feel like the “attractive one” and I started covering up like Mary amaka to take away attention from me. But you see, they will still find a way. Many mad men.
      2+
  18. Tiwatayo
    This had me laughing, like really laughing out loud. I’m not laughing at your experience though. Such men are not just immoral, they are sick and perverted! I’m laughing because of the way you wrote the story. Very good write-up.

    But I have a question, has any guy here mistakenly tapped current? Like your elbow innocently touched this woman’s breasts while you were trying to adjust or pick something from your bag or something. And before you could say, “oh! I’m sorry”, the slap had landed and you felt so embarrassed.

    0
    1. Twisted Post author
      Thank you so much! No need to apologize.I like to make people laugh.
      yes o! I’ve had the occasional elbow brush but I can’t really complain when I’m sharing a seat with four people as opposed to 2.
      most times, I simply move away to avoid any wahala. Sometimes accompanied with a hard stare.
      0
  19. Brownie
    Hahahahahahaaa…. Twisted u aff kill me oO… Nd yea its happened to me onze or so….the first experience being along Oshodi arnd charity nd tho it felt like a brush,albeit a brief one cuz d bus got to d last b/stop shortly afterwards and we all alighted. Ur writeup now makes me feel like i should av been quicker nd given him d sharp elbow even if i cudnt muster up d courage to throw him a heavy slap 😉 all good tho cuz i now know better #Thanx4SharingDear.
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