Even if you live under a rock, I’m sure you’ve either seen or at least heard about the recently released music video for Kanye West’s Life of Pablo single, Fade. The video which stars Teyana Taylor was premiered by Kanye himself during the MTV Video Music Awards which too took place in New York a week ago. Truth is, there really isn’t much more to say about the video, the guys on Rounds did a great job analyzing it already but as it formed a major talking point of the event and for the benefit of this post, lets just represent Teyana and the video with this image.

image-64-678x395

On a night of glamour, pomp and all that jazz, in a hall filled with all the who-is-who in Hollywood, a certain diva still managed to stand out. Maybe it was her music, maybe it was her near flawless performance but whatever you like to call it, all I know is, everyone who attended or watched that event, went away thinking about the woman called Beyonce. And so, for talking point number 2, we shall represent her with this image.

landscape-1472556025-beyonce1

And to the final talking point for me, another lady present among many. She not only stood out because she came purposely looking different from every other person, she stood out because she was singled out. Amazing vocalist and award winning songstress, Alicia Keys attended the event sporting her no-makeup look as she continues to drive her movement. If you don’t know what that movement is about, basically, her personal stand against using make-up in her daily routine is supposed to suggest that people should love each other for what’s on the inside rather than on the outside. And here’s lady number 3:

NEW YORK, NY - AUGUST 28: Alicia Keys speaks onstage during the 2016 MTV Music Video Awards at Madison Square Gareden on August 28, 2016 in New York City. (Photo by John Shearer/Getty Images for MTV.com)

Photo by John Shearer/Getty Images for MTV.com

Three women, one event. In a perfect world, you’d expect to wake up the next day to headlines of how Beyonce totally stole the show at the VMAs with her performance, of course with a side mention of Teyana looking unbelievable in Kanye’s video and maybe no mention of Alicia – right?

Wrong.

Everyone led with Teyana. Who is she? Where did she come from? How on earth did she get that body? What does she eat? Who is her work out instructor? What’s her routine like? I mean, ladies literally trolled her twitter account till she gave in and said she was going to make a video of her dance routine available for everyone. But while many of the ladies praised Teyana and Bey, some other chics and guys turned to Alicia and made some really terrible comments about her. Im going to focus on the guys today so I pulled up some examples of comments I found online.

Seeing the way men in particular reacted to these three women got me thinking about men and how our wants and needs evolve over time. I took one good look at that picture of Teyana and I remember how my 20 year old self would have entered full Yoruba demon mode to get a piece of that. I remember just how much I was obsessed with perfection. Oldtimers here will remember my post on the Marcus School – it basically chronicles how obsessed I was with seeking out only almost perfectly physically appealing women. Everything just had to be spot on. Flat tummy – check, ass – check, jugs – check. That was all I lived for back then and I’d probably die rather than let you catch me with a woman nowhere near my standards. And to be honest, there’s nothing wrong with that. That was my reality at that point in time and that, today, is reality for a lot of guys. Now, I was very young at this point in time – in my very early twenties but as we will come to see, age has absolutely nothing to do with this.

Not long after I crossed 25, I moved into my Beyonce phase. Life was no longer only about flat stomachs, ass and jugs. I wanted more in my women. I was instantly attracted to intelligence, independence and wit. Of course the women still had to meet certain criteria looks wise but it was no longer priority for me. To my younger self, it felt like I had started to compromise on my standards but to my 25 year old self, I felt more fulfilled and in control of my life. To emphasise the fact that this has nothing to do with age, let me give some background.

I moved out of my parent’s house when I was 17, got my first flat in Lagos and started paying bills like an adult. By 22, though I was still in school, I was running a business and I had started meeting quite a lot of people in the corporate world when most of my friends still hadn’t even left home. At 25, I had made and lost money. I understood what it meant to be broke and I had learned why any sane man should want a partner who could also bring something to the table as opposed to some sort of dominated sub in a long term relationship. Subconsciously, all of this influenced my preference in women.

Sometime last year, I travelled to meet up with my wife after being away from each other for months and when I saw her, I almost couldn’t recognize her. She was pregnant with our baby and even though we spoke every single day and did video calls and what not, the actual realization of the physical changes that had gone on in her body only hit me that moment I saw her. But you know what, I’m pretty sure she’s only going to find out I had this reaction for the first time after reading this. Yes, she had changed in many ways – some expected, some totally unexpected but this is the woman I love and married and she was making one heck of a sacrifice for us by going through this process and it only took me a few seconds to tuck in my 20 and 25 year old minds and focus on reality.

I still hate hairnets, grandma panties and women tying wrappers around the house but I must confess that a lot of times nowadays, I don’t even see these things. I’m lucky to be with someone who knows when, how and is also willing to make the effort to switch things up. She looks great, she’s independent but what I’m mostly thankful for nowadays is the fact that I’m with someone confident and strong enough to make tough decisions but also sensitive enough to seek my trust and understanding.

Following the outrage to Alicia’s no makeup appearance at the VMAs, her husband, Swizz beats went online and wrote this:

This is deep. Somebody sitting home mad because somebody didn’t wear make-up on their face,” he said in a clip with a puzzled look on his face. Not your face, but they didn’t put make-up on their face because they just didn’t feel like wearing make-up. But you mad because that person didn’t put on make-up to please you? Type of sh** is this? Cause you can do whatever you wanna do. She didn’t tell y’all don’t wear no make-up. She just said that she’s not vibin’ with the make-up all the way 100 percent like that. That’s kinda her thing that she wanna do.

If you don’t know the background story of the relationship between these two, I’d suggest you read up on it. I don’t know for sure what their life is like, we all know celebs, I can gush about them now and they turn around next week and file for a divorce but from what I can see, I can assume there is a truck load of trust and understanding established between them. Ask yourself as a guy, how many of you would let your wife go out with you to an event like the VMAs without makeup?

The point of this post is to establish the progression in the life of men in particular as it relates to what they want and need in women. Many women got pissed at guys who attacked Alicia for looking butt ugly because she didn’t use makeup but praised Teyana for looking awesome but my question to the ladies is, do you know where these guys are in their lives at the moment? Like I said earlier, this absolutely has nothing to do with age. The only underlying factor here is EXPERIENCE. I know 24 year olds who are already at the Alicia phase of their lives because they grew up fast and got the right experiences they needed to get to that point.

The question for the ladies is, have you really checked to see what point in this timeline your man or potential man is? He could be 30 but still living with his parents and the moment he gets his first apartment do you really not expect to see some changes? For the guys, though its tough, it’s always good to try to question yourself as much as possible. Yes we know you want Teyana or Beyonce but have you really asked yourself why? Why do you want or need the things you think you do right now? Please use the comment box below to express yourself.

 

Responses

  1. An Afrikan Butterfly
    You’re right. 20-year-old Swizz may not have appreciated makeup free Alicia. It’s just what it is. We all go through different stages in life, and not everyone is lucky to find someone that could still love you or be with you as you change. It’s not easy. The challenge I think, is to do you, regardless.
    10+
  2. Dami
    I loved this. Just like you, the 20 year old me wanted a buff guy now as a 24 year old I’m simply looking for intelligence and so much more in a man. Physical appearance does not matter as much as before. As i grow mature i realize people will always change physically. I am not the skinny girl i used to be when I was 19 or 21. But we are not all the same,some men and woman for the rest of their lives will mostly focus on the physical attributes and that is okay. Just be comfortable with who you are and the person that truly loves you will love you when you change.
    12+
  3. Arrt
    I’ve been wanting to write on this on this on my Facebook Time line, but I keep procrastinating. I will definitely do soon

    In as much as anyone would want to hate me for this, I get disgusted by girls make up. As a matter of reality, I was attracted to my girl because of how natural on the face she appeared the day I met her.

    1+
  4. Andronicus
    Very deep. Shows how our priorities and wants change as we grow.

    I’ve always loved women without make up…something raw and sexy about how she looks after removing the make up. Kinda like walking around the house with no underwear and short skirt, u wanna pounce. They don’t believe me when I say its attractive.

    I tell this to the women in my life, I like the makeup, but I love the no makeup look even more…and the natural smell of their skin, with maybe a hint of cream or perfume they used before. To be with anyone, I have to like the natural smell of their skin. I find it welcoming, soothing and arousing.

    But then maybe I’m a freak and I have no one to tell me.

    17+
    1. Toni
      Yup… Women often find it hard to believe that after all the effort to look ‘good’ you prefer them without the make-up etc.

      Sad, really

      5+
  5. Toni
    I didn’t watch the VMAs (and I haven’t watched a Kanye, Bey, or Alicia video in a while), and don’t think I will, so I don’t have a very good mental picture of these women, but I’ve been with the same woman for near 8 years and seen her go from obsessing over her looks to just doing the necessary to stay fit and healthy. I’ve seen brazilian hair give way to simple cornrows or bantu knots at best. I’ve seen her go from spending insane amounts on make-up and clothes, starving herself to stay ‘trim’, to spending zero (yes, ZERO) on make-up, and buying simple clothes that fit most occassions, eating what she needs to stay healthy for her child and her husband. So, I really do get the gist @Thetoolsman.

    Everyday, and I mean EVERYDAY, I hear/see/read guys and girls in their late 20s/early 30s who b***h and moan about how their significant other isn’t living up to expectations. Then I take one look at said ‘other’ and wonder, “are you okay at all?” You want someone who looks like a celebrity (or at least has the Insta-famous look) and expect that that person would also have deep personality, principles etc.? Don’t get me wrong, good looks don’t equate zero personality, but a person who’s not a celeb, whose daily job is not in fashion/entertainment, yet looks and dresses and behaves like a celeb? Superficial is likely what they’ll be. So if you want those kind of looks in a person, be willing to make a trade-off in substance and depth where it should matter most. I may be wrong (though my experience says otherwise) but when a person can devote time to look like Teyana (think “sex appeal” perfect body etc.) when he/she is maybe a school teacher, then the person’s looks are the greater part of the equation of what they can offer you: what you focus on expands.

    So, one sign of depth of character, principles etc., in my opinion, is minimal interest in what one looks like (again, ugly/sloppy looks don’t = wise/prudent etc.). Reason why a woman as beautiful as Alicia is can go without make-up is because it’s not her looks she wants to sell anymore, she’s grown up and is focused on issues beyond her immediate self; a sure sign of depth of character etc.

    I should also say that looks play a VERY important role in relationships. Looks are like the bait, the hook, the attraction that draws two people together. I really like to make a statement with my looks, my wife works in fashion, BUT, what I look like isn’t my priority, and you can probably tell just by looking at me (again, I may be wrong cos I don’t really know what I look like… I have no mirrors). So if you’ve been drawn in by the looks and find out that looks are all this person is about? You know what’s best for you, so, deal. But if you want a lasting relationship, find someone who doesn’t spend most of their time and resources on looking the part, rather than playing the part.

    My two kobo.

    P.S. “Looks” here refers to a near perfect physical appearance that isn’t naturally occurring.

    50+
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Wow.. Interesting comment. I like.
      I know someone will tackle you on this line “one sign of depth of character, principles etc., in my opinion, is minimal interest in what one looks like” but I sorta kinda get where you’re coming from. Finding people who can perfectly combine both is somewhat rare. One always seems to suffer.
      2+
      1. Toni
        Thanks. I’ve been tackled severally, I’d be more surprised if no one did.

        You’re so right about the rarity of beauty + brains. So rare that it’s hard to accept when one meets an actual person with both, or worse, hates such a person out of jealousy.

        1+
        1. MissC
          You’re right but I always tell people who care to listen that beauty is skin deep. You can’t determine the beauty or (lack of it) ugliness of a person by looking on the surface. Beauty+brains are hard to find because people are looking in the wrong places and in the wrong way.
          5+
          1. Toni
            Preach, sister!
            Not every fine geh or guy has common sense o. Even oyibos have a name “dumb blonde” for people with 100% looks but -0.00001% brains.
            3+
    2. Hephie Brown
      “You want someone who looks like a celebrity (or at least has the Insta-famous look) and expect that that person would also have deep personality, principles etc.? Don’t get me wrong, good looks don’t equate zero personality, but a person who’s not a celeb, whose daily job is not in fashion/entertainment, yet looks and dresses and behaves like a celeb? Superficial is likely what they’ll be”

      Your comment is life!

      But truth is priority is placed on looks now that you’re considered basic, or ordinary if you don’t live up to these expectations..no matter how naturally beautiful you are

      6+
      1. Toni
        Thanks.

        Maybe our priorities, our definition of ‘beautiful’ would change to favor the more ‘ordinary?’ The whole natural hair, no make-up thing is suddenly cool today (but Deeper Life has been doing it since way back when…) so we might just experience a whole new set of expectations for looking good, who knows?

        2+
    3. Dami
      *So, one sign of depth of character, principles etc., in my opinion, is minimal interest in what one looks like (again, ugly/sloppy looks don’t = wise/prudent etc.). Reason why a woman as beautiful as Alicia is can go without make-up is because it’s not her looks she wants to sell anymore, she’s grown up and is focused on issues beyond her immediate self; a sure sign of depth of character etc. *
      This is has made my day. focused on issues beyond her immediate self, a sure sign of depth of character. Character holds so much importance in relationship, it can be such a deal breaker but most of us never realize that till its too late.
      3+
      1. Toni
        Perhaps we don’t realise till it’s too late because we are told (by the media, by celebrities etc.) that good looks are all that matter and we forget to look for and demand more from our partners.

        All that glitters…

        1+
  6. Hephie Brown
    I was almost first..then my boss called me away from typing! I need coffee in my existence so bad but neo cafe is selling 500 box!!! that’s over a dollar!

    I think you might not really know what phase your man is till he is fully independent..I mean yes, he’s matured, pays his bills, but if he doesn’t live alone, you’ll still get a shocker. If he doesn’t know where he is on the spectrum of cute to ugly, maybe cos he was always the shy guy and didn’t get a lot of female attention early in life, You will get hurt..and above all, if he doesn’t have a lot of money, he’ll probably go through alicia keys stage first and degrade to Teyana..sigh

    5+
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      lol the last line. Why not the other way round? You think money wont cause guys to seek the superficial first?

      Also, I think gaining true independence for a guy or anyone infact, is another progression on this timeline. It’s not quite the starting point.

      0
    2. Toni
      Agree with @thetoolsman last line is funny lol….

      Some men don’t even know who they are till like 40 sef. Then they’d go and have a mid-life crisis and all… knowing what phase a man is in is sooooo important for the long term, otherwise be prepared for a crisis between his 35th and 50th birthday.

      0
    3. Milaya
      I get the point of your last line. It reminds me of how some men “arrive” in life and the women who were with them through the hard times are no longer “classy” or will i say curvy enough to be by their side. Retrogression is the word!
      1+
  7. Uche
    I have never been the one to have physical requirements for the guys in my life (ok maybe just look good in a suit and own some brogues). I guess I missed a lot of phases myself. I’m obsessed about a perfect body (for myself. I don’t know why, but I know it’s definitely not because I think that’s what’s expected of me), but I can’t be bothered about make up. I’ve been called unprofessional and so on because of it but really. I can’t be bothered. I get into some places and I have men and women gushing over my “natural” look (they usually tend to be older people though) other times I’m just a wallflower. I’m in my early 20s and I don’t think I was ever in that phase where I wanted to draw my brows and all what not. I think I really want to be a Beyonce Teyana and Alicia in one (hot body, independent successful woman and no make up) but all na want.
    6+
      1. Hephie Brown
        Loool what is Beyteyli biko?? But what wouldn’t i give for a hot body even after kids, a very successful career and a very fine fresh face that i dont need to use anything to cover.. I want it all..but just in my head..i hate jogging and i hate fruits..soo
        I used to think i gave up on wanting a male teyana taylor cos i realised we would be like 100 wanting him and i cant deal with all that drama..i am not built for it..but subconsciously i still find myself dating fine boys, that 50 other girls want to..but it’s getting better…or “he’s” getting uglier..who am i kidding…
        2+
        1. thetoolsman Post author
          1. You hate fruits? o_O
          2. It’s not about fine boys. (Please don’t let your kids hate you for marrying ugly because you hate drama), whats yours is yours at the end of the day.
          0
          1. Hephie Brown
            1. My dad FORCED us to take fruits growing up..he would always make fruit salads everyday and force us to have them in large bowls,pawpaw was a nightmare..and it wasn’t beta fruit o, no berry or anything lovable..and i have hated fruits ever since i left his house which was early sadly,but i just heard of this new trick of making overnight oats or parfaits and it makes it bearable..but I cant finish my money on greek or unsweetened yogurt..
            2. And yes i know he is mine, d world we live in today girls dont respect that fact even if your man does.. plus im fine enough for two, kids will be fine *flips hair*
            2+
    1. Arrt
      Thumbs up girl, you’ve got good head on your shoulder. You’re my kind of man’s dream girl (well, I already have that in my queen) Keep it up, if only most girls will realise that they are just wasting hard earned money on some bullshit make up and what have you.

      Seriously, there’s nothing more attractive like a girl on her natural face. It literally gets me horny lol. We need mpre Alicia Keys, Kiss (my girls pet name) and Uche (you of course my namesake) in our system.

      I think the society has programed our brain to believe that a girl with no make up is inferior or poor. I believe that if powerful women like Mitchell Obama, Beyonce, Rihanna, Serena Williams, Nicki Minaj and others will join Alicia Keys, 90% of our girls will follow the trend. But that would be a bad business for a lot of big companies.

      0
  8. Ayoola
    I am female, but I totally get this. I am very concerned about how I look, although in my case, it’s more about self esteem than being superficial… Issue for another time and place tbh.
    I am 23 now, but I have been the same small size for about seven years except of course wider hips and laugh lines. As at two years ago, I was really into fitness, so much that I couldn’t even be interested in a guy unless he showed some physical sign of fitness … so mostly buff guys interested me. Now, I’m dating the skinniest person ever… I’m still very concerned about how I look, but I’ve grown past good looks being a prerequisite for choosing a partner. I think what matters more is how much I can learn with/from a person and how much we can help each other grow.
    0
  9. Vanilla
    Our preference of the opposite sex definitely changes as we get older. I always taught anyone i dated must be light skinned. it was a criteria that was almost a must and stood by that for a long time as evident with an ex from way back. Today, i am dating some who is VERY dark but i looked beyond that to the man he is inside!
    0
  10. Buchi
    Tula!! Good read.

    While I agree that our preferences evolve as we grow older (read that as mature), I also know some preferences dont change over time.

    From my teenage years, I’ve always believed my ideal mate had to have a brain above all else. And use it. I lived inside books way too long as a kid to not know that I can’t survive an extended period of time with one who doesn’t have similar inclinations. That singular requirement has remained the constant while the less cerebral attractions evolved and upgraded.
    On the issue of make up and other superficial accessories, I cant help but wonder. Man loves comfort. Are they comfy wearing the layers? Probably why I always prefer little to no make up on my significant other.

    Might be a tad simplistic, but I almost never wear shoes with heels simply because I choose to be comfortable on my feet. But then, I’m quite tall, so I might not understand the need to add inches to get to six feet.

    I do want a woman who’s trim and shapely and who won’t let herself go. Might seem shallow, but if I take pains to work out and try to ensure I look attractive (despite my love for beer 😋😁) why shouldn’t my significant other do so?
    Anyways, to each his own. And Alicia keys has been and always will be bae.

    3+
    1. Mr X
      “I do want a woman who’s trim and shapely and who won’t let herself go. Might seem shallow, but if I take pains to work out and try to ensure I look attractive (despite my love for beer 😋😁) why shouldn’t my significant other do so?”

      I agree with the comment above ☝️ from Buchi. While I understand a woman’s body is subject to changes especially when you take child bearing into consideration….genuine effort is all I ask to keep that body on point as I do the same. Personally i think there’s a thin line between sentiments/excuses and genuine reasons when it comes to keeping fit. This shouldn’t be the case. Busy schedules etc could make it difficult but how bad do you want it? The biggest turn off ever for me is a woman who points to having just had a baby or dna etc as reasons why they are how they are. While those things might be factual occurrences, they are not excuses to watch what you eat and put together a routine that works around your busy schedule – the real priorities. Men are visual beings. Yes we love intellectual women and all those other good ish but first things first we are attracted by what we see.
      But then when I take @thetoolsman ‘s write up into consideration, the woman who just refuses to see the huge importance to putting in the work to look fit might be in the “Alicia Keys” phase and refuse to leave there ever. What does the man do? Especially when he’s hoping it’s just a phase (e.g. Child birth weight ) an he’ll get his Tiana back? But he never does? All efforts futile? It gets worse?

      2+
  11. ashabi
    …. And this is why I live for TNC!! you totally got me at the “age” stuffs… Its all about mental disposition… I’ve been going make-up free for over 3 months… And I love my face as it is.. We need to embrace who we are.
    Alicia isn’t anti-makeUp but simply deciding to not give those chemicals power over her life. I know sooo many people that can’t step out without looking like kim k!! Good for ’em…
    What I do wish for however is that instaCelebs and twitterNG “feminists” embrace this culture (same way natural hair keep is the new cool) and make girls know that having a perfectly arched brow or “contouring” the hell outta your face isn’t all there is to you!!!
    Beautiful piece tho’….
    0
  12. Buchi
    Come shey you people know Make up is an industry of its own. Make we no advocate wetin go spoil people market in this our economy o.
    Sha carry on. Recession is just a word.
    0
  13. decorousmoi
    I love this post. Its okay to like what you like but theres no need to make people feel terrible for doing them as well. So much hate and people giving unsolicited opinions. How do you go on someones page and type “you are ugly” would you die if you dont say unhurtful things?

    People not knowing when to just unlook is a major problem, before you say something that doesn’t affect you directly ask yoursel is it necessary?

    Its okay to be about just the looks and wits but dont bring a woman who doesn’t make that her priority down, no one is here to please you.

    5+
  14. Ivy
    This is lovely.

    I do not like superficial people. I do not understand why girls wear makeup to ebeano when they are coming from their house o! I do not understand the contouring business everyday of the week. i do not understand all these. I may never understand.

    After all, i broke up with someone who asked why i did not wear make-up to his house on a freaking Saturday morning. I replied saying my natural beauty is to be shown off not to be hidden under layers of make-up. But i knew this “relationship” wasn’t gonna last.

    If i’m going on a date for the first time, i go without make-up to test the guy’s superficial nature….lol. Because i love being natural and all that. I cannot be with someone that judges me more on my looks (hey, i’m pretty) as i will never judge on that. If i love you, dude u are sexy as fuck to me (pardon my French).

    1+
  15. Nee
    This post just has so much truth, please continue to write things like this to educate our brothers and sisters about what truly matters. Also, Toolsman, if you have any single friends that think like you, holla. I’ve been getting to many Teyana minded brothers on my case and my optimism is waning. LOL!
    1+
  16. Viv
    Change is the only constant. Right? Riddle me this… Imagine getting with someone at 22-23. You have similar ideologies, beliefs etc… I mean, you were both in your Alicia phase. Fast forward 7 years and you realise that you were probably so certain of the person’s beliefs et al then and now, you don’t recognise the person anymore. His Alicia is now Teyana and you are still Alicia… Because Growth, because Change…
    What happens then?
    0
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      You said it already, something definitely changed. 7 years is a long time and if you dig deep enough, you’ll find the what could have influenced those changes in one person and kept them constant in the other.
      To your question on what happen then? Thats a question you’ll have to answer – is it change you can live with or not?
      0
  17. Dr WOLFF
    Wow.
    This post gave a very beautiful rev to my week especially after the sweet then bitter start to my week. Oga Toolsman brought out stages of a man’s life and how important it is to know your self and define your principles, (though am paraphrasing) and I loved the many comments; they gave me a brain-gasm. My small 10kobo is that while we are building ourselves and adding value, let’s remember that a nice and solid personal combined with WELL GROOMED body, make up or no make up, is a STUNNER!!!
    I think we should strive for both.
    1+
  18. OluOlu
    When I was 19, after finally accepting that being skinny was my fate and there was little or nothing I could do about it, I went ahead to declare to myself that I must not end up with a skinny gf or wife. The logic seemed quiet perfect to me. Skinny and skinny do not mix, like drinking and driving.
    I didn’t fancy the idea of bone hitting bone so I would always go for the chubby ladies. Not fat, but at least, having considerably more flesh than me.
    I had this female friend who was also skinny like me and we connected on a level that I am yet to experience. We had gotten to that point in our friendship where we had to ask the inevitable question; “what are we doing?” but it didn’t even occur to me that we could be anything more than friends because, skinny logic.
    Fast forward 7 years of friendship and I began to ask myself serious questions about what I really wanted in a woman and I realised she answered all those questions. The moment I hit that realisation, I picked my phone to call her but that phone call didn’t result in a happily ever after ending. The conversations that followed were full of regret.
    She’s married with a child now and I’m still here cursing the day I came up with that logic and struggling to keep my belly from expanding too much.
    Right now, I care less about any Teyana, Beyoncé or Alicia. I just need to know that you have a brain behind those face masks that I can relate with on a deep level and I’m ok.

    The end.

    6+
      1. OluOlu
        I’m way past the regret actually. It wasn’t meant to be a sad tale. I’m actually glad that I didn’t make a choice based on that perspective that I would be forced to stick with for the rest of my life.
        0
  19. Ramatu
    Toolsman! This piece is everything!

    First off, we all have stages in our lives and I like how you described some of them in this piece.

    When I was younger, I only dated guys whom I knew I could NEVER commit to. While I didn’t really look for any physical attribute except that he be dark skinned, I knew that I wanted a guy who could improve the quality of my mind. So I dated the opposite.

    Now that I am older, I look at a man and know that I will not waste my time with someone who isn’t sure of himself, who doesn’t understand that beauty is transient and who is fixated more on looks than the quality of my mind.

    I will never be a Teyana (because I hate dieting and exercise) but I need my man to understand I want to have Beyonce’s mind and hustle and I will most likely rock my natural face and hair (and big belle and cellulite thighs 😜) like an Alicia Keys-Ashley Graham crossbreed.

    Anyway, you are right; knowing the stage where a man is is very important. I am not going to act like my man wouldn’t drool for Teyana but I hope it is fleeting. And he also has to deal with me drooling over Trey Songz and Idres Elba😍😍😜.

    4+
  20. A
    Love this! So glad i came here today. I don’t have a man yet but hopefully i end up with an Alicia kinda man because ain’t about that make up life here. Not just the make up though.
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  21. Chemicalidol
    I like how @thetoolsman takes his time to reply everyone sha…the man really values his audience…guess you learnt that from experience to, eh?

    But really, tho…Alicia getting hate says a lot about the times we live in. We are all about instant everything now. The pressure to be perfect in this new age is so unreal, that I look back at 2006 when I was in uni, and I wonder how so much could change so quickly. We are in a time now when you can actually hear four year olds saying things like ‘I am too fat’ and where 10 year olds are in school forming it girl cliques that you only saw with uni girls. The boys have now been raised on a steady diet of unrealistic, easily accessible porn and reality TV stars that become porn stars that become icons, and think that all women from age 8 should probably look the same…the pressure to be perfect is unbelievable now. And yeah, with experience, I have learnt just as much as you have…but you know what I am afraid of in this new world? Not many of those behind us coming up are actually learning these things anymore. The girls seem not to get that bigger things matter as they grow older, and the boys don’t seem to get that there is more to life than T & A…I fear for my children…

    0
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      There really is a lot to be afraid of for the future but I guess it starts with every single one of us.If we all wake up now and take up responsibility to teach our own kids one at a time, it’s a start at least. Thanks for reading.
      1+
  22. DJ
    I can relate to the 25 year old concept at 22 and lemme tell you, I’m in the #AliciaKeys phase. I still appreciate ladies who have it all physically, drool even more over those who can combine it with an independent lady like Lady Bee. But recently I have found myself appreciating ladies who look all out natural because to me, they have accepted the reality of who they really are. Till now I honestly wonder why makeup is in vogue and am still too afraid to hash it out in an ‘interrogation’ (lool). While I appreciate whoever uses, the woman who lets the natural beauty resonate appeals more. I hope this doesn’t rile up anyone though.
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  23. Keiskwerd
    I would be unfair if I fail to acknowledge the first couple of commenters who expressed very STRONG aversion to use of make up. They missed the point, at least Alicia’s point. Her PERSONAL campaign is to be regarded for what she has inside. She didn’t start this so men who hate make up would vibe with her. If for anything, it’s probably so there’d be less conversations about make up which are sadly too many these days, any mostly borne by the male folk. Men need to seriously stop making strong statements about how they want their woman to look. It’s a bit offensive. There are enough of women doing different things, enough Alicia’s, enough Beyonces, enough Teyanas! Why go to a Beyoncé and moan to her or to another constantly about how she could be more like an Alicia…..bro, u left an Alicia down the line!
    THe point at the end of the day, like the writer has pointed out, is that we all go through phases, we all have superficial phases, but don’t be condescending because your superficial phase appeared to last shorter than some others. Some people are never going to leave what most have judged a ‘superficial’ phase, why? Cos it’s their whole life, it’s how they feel confident, or maybe just because they feel the judges looking at them should be wise enough to separate the make up on their exterior from the obviously overwhelming intelligence they bring to the table, or rather, like Alicia has tried to say, forget about your impressions of their exterior, and just deal with what They have to offer.
    I’d close by saying how dare you not read what Chimamanda pens down even if she uses all the make up that Mac can make? (I love Toni’s comment though, so much intelligence in one post)
    5+
  24. Ray
    I’m finally back to binge on TNC posts, I made sure this was the first I read and it was worth it.

    People really do go through phases and grow up. I think what’s important is for each person to love themselves the way they were created, regardless of what anyone else thinks or wants.

    0
  25. Fabreke
    Just two days Lagos, a guy in my office asked me why I didn’t bother with make up like other girls and asked if I have ever watched a make up tutorial on YouTube…I said no, and he told me I’m not a normal girl. Lol. Maybe I’m not but I’ve never been that girl that’s crazy about weaves and make up. I dont have anything against make up and i do try to look good but on a regular day I have no make up on just because I can’t be bothered. The guy I’m dating has seen me without make up so often and I don’t think it’s a problem but then he’s much older and he’s probably in his Alicia Keys phase. I am also the type you call a sapio sexual. I care more about a man’s personality and his brains than his looks. I’m not the six pack gal, I really don’t care about that. The only physical requirement important to me is a guy’s height plus he must be clean of course. I once dated a guy who was a fitness buff…he lived for the gym, my goodness! It was exhausting cos all he cared about was how you look, thankfully I don’t have to work too hard to look good thank God for good genes. Yes he had brains but the constant expectation to be a fitness couple just didn’t do it for me…I get exhausted thinking about putting on and taking off layers of make up, has never been me, I wear make up mostly on Sundays. Lol. but I do have friends who always have to wear make up, it’s their thing so no wahala. I think all in all, do you!
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  26. The Quill
    You know sometimes I feel like some women are almost as bad if not just as bad because we all want those perfect abs and that razpr sharp jaw and everything. We see guys like Trey Songz and we fall head over heels. Now, this is coming from a teenager’s (I’m 15) point of view and you might say I don’t know anything (which is actually true) but honestly, from what I’ve seen most girls would like a rich, fine guy. At my age, most of my friends are looking for guys because they want other girls to drool over them. The ones with boyfriends who aren’t all that fine are ridiculed. It might not have much to do with age but rather maturity but I’m still waiting on that one girl who is looking for something more than just a face.
    0
  27. abi sanni
    This is an important issue to address to many young people out there and at the end it should never ne solely based on the physical.

    But here is a side question. Do you really believe the physical does not matter at all?

    1+
    1. The Quill
      The physical does matter to an extent because it is the first thing you see. You are more likely to first approach a girl/guy because you find him/her attractive but it’s over time that you dig into character and you start to love that person based on what’s inside rather than out
      0
  28. Djtee
    Right from time, looks have never mattered to me. I attended a boys only secondary school hence my first interactions with girls were via the coaching classes i attended. Being a book-minded fellow, it was natural that the only ones that appealed to me were the brainy ones. This formed the basis of my attraction to the opposite sex. But then i drool over the Teyanas sometimes, but it stops at that.
    0

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