As Tobi sat down staring at the wall again doubting her sanity, her mind wondered to a memory of when she was a child the only one she seemed to have, yet a memory she wished she could get rid of
The images were always blurry and sometimes changing in details but the fact was that she was sure it happened Tobi was around three, four or five, not up to six but more than two, there is a local looking young woman probably in her early twenties dark in complexation, quite slim and a little attractive (not that Tobi would have known that as that young age. The lady was most likely a house help (let give the housemaid a name Sade) so Sade had undressed Tobi and well touching her sexually and encouraging Tobi to do the same to Sade.
There were in a room with just a colored mattress beside the wall, it was the maid’s room or at less, that is what Tobi believes. “I don’t like to think as that incident as something that happened to me” (Tobi) told herself once again as she laid on her bed in her room, honestly the room was not only hers it also belongs to her immediate young sister who is presently in university “I swear am sure if people could just see what goes on in my head they would think am crazy, Tobi let out a sarcastic laugh “Well, crazier than they already think I am anyway”.
Those were the only memory Tobi had from her childhood everything apart from that was black to her, like they never happened, she lived through the few pictures she had taken, Tobi seemed to only remember a few things from primary school well first one anyway, no matter how hard she tried to get more memories the more memories she lost.
The good memories seemed to always leave her mind and the bad ones just never leave, from primary school, Tobi developed a habit of not celebrating birthdays, first her family just do much for their children’s special days. Growing up practically on your own for years makes you anti-social and quite weird as many would call it
And also the constant failed promises from her father and mother, now her mummy was always in her business constantly calling, trying to get information and gist. The poor woman does not reply she too late, maybe she just bored, Tobi’s sister due to the large age difference between her (6 and 9 years) respectfully just were not around must sweet girls could not have done much at that time anyway.
Tobi barely gone out of bed on this particular Monday morning ,her alarms, her rules, her timetable they are the only things helping her get this far In her education, many of her classes she feels are not needed for her life on a practical level they do not project her as a person, she always wanted to leanrt as a child the excitements of gaining knowledge was a constant willingness to learn how to be a better you, when a mates were learnt the cultures of the social skills and teenage language she was learning quotes, old English and the beauty of cultures.
But after 2 primaries, 2 secondary schools and finally a university, the reality of the Nigerian educational system as deepen its nails into her dreams and made holes in her frame of mind. The automatic realization of your future after the university life is something a few understand, some pretend to know and others drown in never-ending fear of never knowing.
Each institution she was privileged to be a part of as but heled and killed her in very different ways but one thing they had in common was that she always took something out of each experience. These schools were like passing flings that never had the potential of a permanent resident in my heart.
Being alone must of the time making her look at everything from judgmental eyes dangers and beauties of youth are games I don’t indulge in, Tobi watched her age mates parties, date and be youthful both judgment and envy them at the same time. The daily struggle for her mind to get individual identity vs her heart need for social appetence, many conversations were shallow ones with the aim to level herself to that of her mates.