Yeah I went there. I haven’t written on here in a while and was really stuck on what to reintroduce myself with. I trust you guys to flood our submissions with tales of love and romance so I thought about looking at myself instead and, hopefully, someone out there will see themselves in this as well.
The moment you realise your parents aren’t perfect, to me, is a crucial point in that awful transition from kid to adult. I will firmly maintain that I remain a kidult aspiring to be a baby girl, as I refuse to fully accept this bill-laden, tax-ridden, employment-requiring scam called adulthood. So yes, the transition is awful. I don’t like it. But I digress.
For me, the moment I realised my parents weren’t perfect was the first time I noticed their main flaws. It might not have been a specific point in time, but I remember this palpable awareness that went something like “Woah. Mum is really bad at that.” Aside the general “no one is perfect” rhetoric, I think most of us tend to have one major flaw (usually among many). We all know what that one really bad trait or habit that sticks out from the rest is. Yes, it’s that one you kinda tell yourself about when you have those “Na me fuck up” monologues in private, even when you won’t admit it to anyone else. Some of us wear it like a badge of honour, refusing to improve – all in the name of “This is who I am”.
Mine is stubbornness. Like Grade A, unadulterated, “my way or the highway” type stubbornness. It’s integral to who I am because it makes me go after what I want without settling (even when my procrastination lengthens the process – but that’s another flaw for another day). The point is that I want things and I tend not to settle or back down. Being made to compromise usually leaves me feeling used and/or manipulated, especially because we are usually expected to do this as women.
So I guess my stubbornness makes me driven, and is a massive fuck you to anything trying to pull me off my path. But it also makes me difficult and inflexible at times, which isn’t always great for other people. I recognise these things, but do I really plan to change? The truth is I don’t. Not really. It’s not just because I’m justifying my bad behaviour under the “take me as I am” umbrella. I actually believe the opposite – it’s not something everyone can deal with, and I don’t have that expectation.
It’s mainly because giving up that trait would mean giving up the good things it forces me to do for myself. I wouldn’t be in the career I’m in if I didn’t refuse to be swayed by alternatives, and my job might be hella stressful but it makes me pretty fucking happy. My stubbornness comes with collateral damage. I recognise that. Working on it is another matter. It also helps that I have other great qualities so occasionally being a bitch isn’t really the worst thing in the world. 😉
So I want to hear from you guys. What do you think makes you awful? What negative traits do you have, and how do you manage them in order to minimise their effect on others? Do you even care about working on this problem and how do we begin to unlearn these aspects of our personalities – which have sometimes taken years to solidify? As always, express you.