Letters To My Ex – Letter #3: My Awesome New Life and Wife

It’s been a while since the last time I saw you. I thought about you today and I remembered the end. The day I said “We can still be friends.” while you sat frozen in the car, wordless for the rest of the journey. You may not remember how I kept driving at a snail’s…

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It’s been a while since the last time I saw you.

I thought about you today and I remembered the end. The day I said “We can still be friends.” while you sat frozen in the car, wordless for the rest of the journey. You may not remember how I kept driving at a snail’s pace…as though the time it would take to drop you back home would be enough time to resolve the problems we’d been having.  I replayed the words I’d uttered back in my head, shocked that I’d actually enunciated what I’d only ever thought to myself before.  I willed myself to say I didn’t mean it…but once we reached your home, it was clear things were over.

As I made the last turn, you finally broke the silence and asked “What will you remember of us?”

I didn’t answer you then.  I was too busy questioning my decision to let you go and was afraid that if I responded, I’d change my mind. We’d parked by the gate of your house, and with your hand on the car door, you looked back at me.  Your eyes said “last chance” and your question hung in the air between us.  But I still couldn’t answer.

So I drove away.

I remember anger.  A deep, besetting anger that I harbored against you for those tears you constantly shed and the emotions you lost control of too easily. There was an even deeper anger that I held against myself for causing you to weep in the first place and for always taking you to a dark place no matter how I tried.  I remember fights.  Public fights, private fights.  Fights so intense they extended themselves into my dreams at night and I’d wake up fearful…still angry.

I remember questions. “How do I know you won’t leave me?” “How do I know you won’t just do what the last guy did?” “How do I know if I should believe you or not?”  I had questions as well, wondering why we were even bothering. I questioned whether I was man enough to walk away, until the day I told you…I can’t do this anymore.

I remember guilt. For constantly hurting you and never being able to do what you needed me to. Guilt for staying in the limbo our relationship had become.

I remember the letter you wrote me the next day, the one I left unanswered. I remember you kept sending letters…and emails…and texts. You didn’t understand my silence.

Neither did I.

But today I thought about you.  For the first time in a long time, I thought about you…as I looked at my wife.  She reminds me a lot of you. But with her I’m everything I wasn’t with you.

Like you, her emotions spill out like water from a broken dam and threaten to sweep me away in their fury.  But with her I don’t fight it.  I let myself be pulled in and sink deep into her chaos. Unlike with you, I actually want to drown in her.

Like you I wonder where her mind is most of the time.  But if I question my sanity or hers, she just smiles at me and scoffs. “I hear you have a thing for mad girls” she’ll say, alluding to my past with you. I can’t disagree.

Like you she questions me. But not because she doubts me.  She wants to know me inside and out.  She wants to pull me out of myself, looking for the best parts to bring out into the light. You always struggled to get me to open up, but she does it effortlessly, pushing the words I would have once kept locked up, out into the open, where I can’t rein them in…where regrets are no longer possible.

Like you she dances.  Winding, floating, undulating around me every night.  She dances to the songs in her head or in her collection, giving herself the beat and melody, inventing new steps along the way.  Unlike you she pulls me in, never content to just let me watch from afar.  Now, I don’t struggle to match her steps.  We fall into the rhythm her mind makes, and I can hear it just by placing my ear near her temple.

Like you she dreams.  But she…she actually speaks of her dreams. Sings them to me in my ears and asks me what they mean.  She relives them in front of me, capturing every last detail in her dramatic flair.  Then when her recap is over, she pursues them, trying to give them life.  She doesn’t dream that I’ll leave her, the way you always did.

Like you, she shouts in joy and pouts in anger.  Her yells threaten to bring the walls down when she rejoices, and the heavens threaten to commiserate and pour down their anger when she frowns.  But unlike with you, I can’t match her volume.  So I just hold her tight.  She’ll squeeze back, asking me to hold her “tighter.”  I never can though.  Because, I don’t want to hurt her.

You may be wondering if I wrote you just to brag about her. But I don’t need to.  You already know my wife is amazing.

You know, because she’s you.

It’s been a while since you saw me last. The past me.  The me who needed time to stand by the looking glass and wait to face the dark images of our problems.  The me who needed space to breathe to realize I couldn’t breathe without you.  The me who needed more time to grow up in order to grow with you.  It took you time as well, to let go of the past, to forgive me and, despite the question you asked that day, to not remember us. You needed time to send us into the past so we could come into the future, to a new beginning.  We both needed time to reach out again cautiously, though doubt threatened to overwhelm us both, and grasp for one another.

I’m not writing to check up on you.  I know exactly how you’re doing.  You know exactly how I am.

It’s been a while since that day.  But now you’re only a room away.  Even as I type this you call out to me asking “What are you doing?” in the sing-song voice I no longer run from.  Now I search for it, listening to it, drinking in the sound of my name from your mouth.

I remembered the end today, but as I close this letter, I face my new beginning…you.

*****

I am Naija Husband otherwise known as NH.  Look out for more posts from me, and also check out my blog –naijahusband.com or drop me a line on twitter @NaijaHusband 

*****

Responses

  1. Marilyn
    Awwwwnn. Cheers, to new beginnings and second chances. P.S: you people should not come and rub your familiarity in our faces and be like ” awwwn [insert naija husband’s real name] is such a good writer” and stoffs. We that don’t know them personally nko? Abeg
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  2. Beth
    At first, I thought the guy was a proper asshole for bragging like that but along the line, his intention became clearer. This was nicely written.
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  3. Chisom.
    “You may be wondering if I wrote you just to brag about her. But I don’t need to.  You already know my wife is amazing.

    You know, because she’s you.”

    I’m not going to cry. I’m not… *sniffs*

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  4. ninithoughtsonfood
    WOW!….this letter goes a long way for me….
    You may be wondering if I wrote you just to brag about her. But I don’t need to. You already know my wife is amazing.

    You know, because she’s you

    Awesome letter!

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          1. lordfiddler
            Abeg o, not just after marriage oh…during the marriage join too! Ahhh! After marriage no be death or divorce??
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  5. Christabel
    This is beautiful and amazing and all kinds of crazy. Its exactly how love should be. Love grows . Although, I coulda sworn me and naijawife are sisters with the way he describes her. Yeah and if you haven’t visited their blog, please do. *drops 2 cents in offering basket* *goes to vote TNC as fav blog* toodles!
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  6. Rezza
    Abeg give us blood. We want blood!!!

    You make a sister come out with her matching red horns, curved tail + pitchfork, and then you proceed to deal a tear inducing post? Cammmmaan! #red eyes#

    We want blood!!! #raises pitchfork with one hand and red placard with the other#

    BLOOD!!!

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  7. grace
    The most beautiful,heart wrenching love letter I have read.what makes it amazing is the fact that this a genuine story and letter showing the world that true love still exist.
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  8. Anon564
    This one scared me at first because I am going through the same doubts, emotions and reactions that come with scars of the past. Trust issues are damaging in ways I never imagined but its getting better and this gives me hope. It's beautiful.
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  9. Poisefreak
    When I first started reading this post I thought “Oh so you left her because she was crazy and felt the need for you to understand her”, then midway I saw you made the right choice by learning to take her for who she was and kept her….. Amazing letter. Your ex reminds me of myself… I only wish my “ex” would be as brave as you turned out to be to wife a “crazy” girl like me…….. I’ll let your letter inspire me to wait a little longer… Thanks for writing this.
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    1. lordfiddler
      "Wait a little longer.."? . . . Hmmm, then what? Deep meanings held right there.

      There is always order in chaos; and beauty in order. Your "crazy" is definitely not as bad as you think it is…. possible you've been viewing it through his eyes. Good luck with your wait and life.

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  10. joiedevivre
    Its been said but i still need to add my voice. This is totally awesome. NH, this letter took me to ur blog and I love it. Keep up d great work. NH and NW, thanks for giving people out there hope.
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  11. stupendousgrace
    NH, this is just so beautiful…feels like an answer to 'I wanna know what love is and I want you to show me…'.
    Love you guys to Timbuktu and back.
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  12. Mma
    I couldn’t just read without commenting…..This is all sorts of beautiful…and this line ‘The me who needed space to breathe to realise I couldn’t breathe without you’. Wow!
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  13. T.J
    Naijahusband came ‘ere?? Not fair joo. This was supposed to be some gladiator sort of series na, not “The Notebook” sorta love story.
    Cool story sha, I’m happy for y’all both & I always suspected she had skoin skoin esp after that “the grudge” stunt she roped U in.
    Love ur blog by the way; keep up the good work.
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  14. A. Bonrue
    When I started reading, I thought hey why is he comparing his wife with his Ex na…Now I'm ooohing and aahhhing all over the post. This is so beautiful! For those of us who think Exes are "haram"…this is an eye opener…sort of.
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  15. jemimahnaa
    Lovely post!very well written,NaijaWife musta bin blushn n grinning like a Cheshire cat.lol.I know I totally would.loving u guys,ur blog n giving hope dt marriage aint all bitter like those church marriage counsellors try to paint it.Adun lo n gbeyin ewuro ‘in Niyola’s voice'(but diff storyline from toh bad sha o).2nd chances really r worth it sometimes after proper re-evaluation n growth n I’m a testimony to that. Looking 4wd 2seein d breakupstory on ur blog.
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  16. lordfiddler
    At first, I was getting angry and impatient…then I got where he was going and I wished I was him all of a sudden. I wish we all had second chances like this that suited our varying scenarios sha.
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  17. nefertiti
    @naijahusband! This letter! This letter!! OMG! Its awesome! I had a rethink bou my life after reading it! I cried all night n had my shades on all day after cos my eyes were swollen!! And thanks to u of cos, my ex n I re trying to work things out… Ure a “brilliant, brilliant, brilliant awesome, awesome” writer! Gracias!!!!
    FIRST of cos!!!!!!
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  18. ThermoChic
    STANDING OVATION !!!!!!!! This is the best letter here. this letter just got me a whole new kinda respect for NH. Dammmmmmmnnn good. Technique was flawless
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  19. drgbaks
    Got bless you NH & NW for continually giving us singles hope and for always telling the truth that marriage can be blissful.
    Lovely story, made me think of being a better person in my relationship.
    Gonna save this one!
    Best letter I’ve read in ages.
    Love you guys!
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  20. Layomi Akinrinade
    The juxtapositions employed by the writer are inarticulate. Plus, he really didn't need to mention that he was writing about her – she obviously knew that. He should have eluded us from that information, and let the smart mind figure that out.

    These are the flaws that render this piece of work shy of stellar.

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