Let’s begin with a poll. For the guys reading, show of hands if you’ve ever received that dreaded message. Something along the lines of…
Hey, so I was just wondering, did you ever really have feelings for me? Did you love me or what was the thing we had?
No you are not wrong, what you heard was the sound of eyeballs rolling.
That’s what they call it. Although, it is common among the female gender, it is not unique to them. From time immemorial, men and women have chased this seemingly illusive feedback often times with little success. Recently I spent some time thinking about this phenomenon and made a few discoveries worth discussing.
Is it really closure or denial?
In most cases where people go after closure, it’s when they feel they’ve been dealt the weaker hand in a relationship. And this has nothing to do with whoever ended a relationship – it’s just about power. So for instance, even if a chic breaks up with her boyfriend but never felt she had control (or at least some form of it) while they were together, she will still walk out of that relationship with tons of questions – aka, seeking closure.
If you’re wondering, it’s probably true.
Most men are poor communicators and emotionally lacking when in relationships – it’s just how we are, it’s not an excuse. However, when it comes to ending relationships, if we are being honest with ourselves, most times, you can tell what went wrong. As most men are more logical than emotional, it allows them “manipulate” women who are often times more emotional than logical into doing things they usually should not do. Logic is yes or no because x or y. No maybe’s. Add some attention, saying the right thing at the right time, throw in some surprises, thoughtful gifts and emotion will shift from a yes or no to maybe.
This is how a lot of people (more men than women) are able to ‘manipulate’ their way into hearts that originally didn’t want or even deserve them.
Sometimes, it works out perfectly – some people really do need a little bit of convincing. But when it doesn’t, do you really need to ask why it didn’t?
Let’s imagine a relationship is a door leading in to your heart. When the relationship ends and one party walks out the door, you can either take up the responsibility and shut the door to protect your heart (from other bandits) or you can leave it to the person walking out of your life with the hope that they will shut the door behind them (aka closure).
We all know that in most cases, they don’t. I mean, who passes on a free meal? If I know all that I need to keep coming back is to leave a door open, why on earth would I shut it?
As much as many of us know the closure we often seek is really up to us and not the other party, we struggle to admit it. Why?
I’ve never been conned but I can imagine just how painful an experience it could be. You’d probably spend a lot of time questioning your actions, wondering how you let it happen and with denial setting in, you’d probably rationalize it in one way or the other. In relationships, the rationalization is when you transfer this responsibility of closing the door (aka closure) to the other party.
Before now, I had never understood why we seek closure – like what do you want to hear?
I never loved you.
It was all about the sex for me.
I cheated because you are terrible in bed.
In most cases, if you’re wondering about these things, chances are, you’re probably right but denial is a strong emotion that doesn’t respect gender. I call it the forerunner to regret and though regret can also be tough, it’s way easier to deal with compared to denial.
And so for me, I have come to the conclusion that seeking closure as much as it might be a waste of time (since you can control it), it’s probably never going to go away because often times, it is tied to denial.
Let’s talk. Have you ever gone out to seek closure? Why did you really do it? Were you asking things you never really knew or things you were in denial about? What are your thoughts on closure – necessary evil or waste of time? Use the comment section to express you.