Shoot the messenger. But in this case, she’s bullet-proof.

I’ve heard so much talk about why it’s not right or not ideal to move in with someone and be sleeping with them, cooking and eating with them, playing ‘house’ with them and basically doing ‘marital’ stuff with them before getting married. Or instead of getting married.

Well, I’m not going to offer my opinion on whether it’s right or wrong, but I’ve seen too many a marriage fail because of expectations. The man thought that after marriage, the woman would not change. And the woman thought that after marriage, the man would change. But she did; and he didn’t. And trouble came.

So, audience, panel of judges, my fellow debaters and the accurate time keeper (can’t remember if that’s the correct order, for those of you who remember the days of class debates), I’d like to support the motion that moving in with your partner before marriage can and does have positive effects.

When we are dating someone, especially someone we really like and foresee a future with, we are the best person we can be. No one starts out wanting to show their warts, their bad habits, their imperfections. We put our best foot forward. Because we want this person to like us too. We play up our great sides and try to hide our not-so-great sides; at least until we trust the person not to judge us by our flaws.

A girl might go visit her boyfriend on a Saturday afternoon, stopping by the market on her way there, to get a few things for a meal. She cooks something that he finds finger-lickin’ good and because it’s not her house, she tidies up the kitchen and leaves it spic and span, because (a) it’s the right thing to do; you don’t mess up someone’s kitchen and leave it that way, even if you’ve just made him a meal. And (b) she doesn’t want him to think she’s untidy, even though she knows she can be sometimes.

However, the case might be that when in her own house, even though she eventually gets to tidying up after cooking, she doesn’t do it immediately. She leaves it till after she’s finished eating a mountain of the food, and after spending an hour reclining on the living room sofa (where she ate the meal, because she likes to eat in front of the television and not at a dining table), possibly even snoozing for a bit because she stuffed herself beyond what is right and proper.

Fast forward to two years later, boyfriend proposes to her for a number of reasons, including the fact that she can cook and keep home. And he expects that standard when she moves into his house – he expects her not to change.

It might be that she moves into his house and for the first few months, or even a year, she manages to keep up with that standard. But one day, when she’s gotten comfortable, when she feels like this is her home too, when she considers the fact that he married her and he loves her (at least that’s what he said when he decided to marry her); one day when she’s had a really tiring day at work and has barely managed to actually cook the meal, she slips back into her old habit. She reclines on the living room sofa, lazily channel-surfing, her empty plate still sitting on the coffee table, waiting to be taken to the kitchen. And she snoozes. I know I’m telling a long story, but stay with me for another minute.

Her husband sees her. He probably looks on her with pity, thinking she must be really tired. And so, he picks up the plate, tidies up the kitchen because he doesn’t like untidy places and coaxes her to go get changed and head to bed. Then it happens again. And again. After all, he doesn’t really mind, since he’s tidied up after her the few times it’s happened. Or so she thinks.

Imagine the scene the day he decides to voice his pent up irritation. Or even imagine a scenario where he doesn’t voice out; where he keeps it all bottled up, getting more irritated with her by the day and starting to notice all her other flaws; then he starts to let that affect the way he treats her. He starts to scold her a little more, snaps at every little thing she does ‘wrong’, and might even stay out longer than he used to because somewhere along the line, the atmosphere in the house changed; It became a not-so-pleasant one.

At this point, one or both of them is wondering why they got married to the other; or how their lives might have been different if they had married someone else; they might remember the ‘warnings’ of their friends and family, which they refused to heed then, when the love was shacking them; they might start to feel like they had been deceived and they might want out. But it’s late. They’re married now.

But what if they had lived together for a year before they got married?

I can already see the conservative folk with traditional values spitting to the side. I can hear them judging, using religion and tradition as justification for why it’s not right. I can see them bristling in anger at the effrontery of the suggestion.

But again, I ask. What if they had lived together for a year before they took those vows?

One of two things would have happened. They would have learned some of the not-so-great things about each other, argued about them, found that they couldn’t live with them and decided not to get married. Or, they would have learned some of the not-so-great things about each other, talked about them, worked towards fixing them or even learned to tolerate them and still ended up together.

In the end, it all boils down to expectations. And for some reason, the expectations we have when we are in an informal (even if serious) relationship happen to be different (lower) from the expectations we have when we get married to that same person. This one deserves an article on its own because it’s a really touchy subject for me. But, I’ll head back in the direction I was going before – why I think that cohabitation is a useful thing.

The transition from dating to being married is often a sharp one, full of uncertainty and unsure moves. Both parties are wondering how to behave now that they are married – what’s out of bounds? What can they still continue with? What can they do and get away with? What are the expectations their other half has of them? What expectations do they have of their other half? It’s like one day you’re one person, and the next day you’re expected to be another person.

These pressures would be unnecessary if they were just dating or if it seemed like they were just dating. Which brings me to what I think is the most awesome thing about a live-in relationship – It’s not legally binding. And this means that instead of you feeling like you are ‘stuck’ with the person you’ve committed to, you can actually feel free knowing that you can walk out of the relationship if you feel like it’s not working. Indeed, this might even make both of you more committed to each other, because there’s no pressure of ‘together forever, till death do us part’ and your expectations are not as high. You understand the ‘impermanent’ nature of your relationship and you are a bit more tolerant towards the other person. Add that to the fact that after getting married, getting a divorce or getting separated can be a lot of trouble. So you’re best off not getting ‘stuck’ in a marriage that’s not working so that you don’t have to go to the trouble of dissolving it.

Cohabiting also gives the couple a chance to get to know each other better. And I’m not talking the “I like rice and you like beans” type of knowing. I mean getting to know each others living habits, financial habits, sense of responsibility (if they have one), the extent of family interference, and a host of other things which never crop up during the dating period. If your guy is the type to drop his socks wherever he takes them off and you don’t like the idea of picking up after him, chances are you’re never going to see that happen while you’re dating. If he’s one to wait until Nepa comes to cut the electricity before he pays the bills, and you don’t like to leave things to the last minute, it’s something you might easily miss during dating period. But if you lived together for a period, sort of like doing a ‘trial run’, then you both get a chance to see if your relationship can actually go the distance and survive all those seemingly small but absolutely mighty obstacles that show up in everyday life.

Cohabiting also lets you spend more time with each other, which inadvertently strengthens your bond. With work hours getting longer, and traffic adding to the amount of time one spends unproductively, many couples have to scrape the time to be together. Lots of relationships are ‘phone and weekend’ relationships, where you only really get to see each other on the weekends and the rest of the relationship is on the phone. But if each day after work, you get a chance to see this person and share the happenings of your day and have dinner together and draw strength from each other, without the legal pressure of being married, you’ll both become better friends, not to mention better lovers (*wink*) and this can form the basis for a strong marriage in the future, if you guys eventually decide to take the plunge.

Cohabiting might also make a lot of financial sense. You can both share rent for one apartment instead of paying for two apartments separately; or if the guy is unlucky, paying for two apartments at the same time. Not only will you share rent, you’ll share bills and other expenses. You’ll both get a chance to save either separately or together; that’s if y’all are not scared of doing stuff together. Again, and I must stress, this is a good opportunity to know how you both manage your finances, because money can cause serious problems. I’m not a fan of joint accounts, but I believe you can successfully go into a business venture with your partner. And working together at something that brings additional income is always a joy. It’s also helpful to know if your partner is open about how much they earn and if they believe in equal sharing of financial responsibility – this is especially useful for the men. It gives you a sense of whether you’d be left to do the ‘providing’ in the event that you get married and also lets you know if she’ll cover for you when you’re in a tight spot.

With these few points of mine, I hope I have been able to convince you and not to confuse you (the debate wouldn’t be complete without this line) that live-in relationships are a fantastic precursor for and sometimes even a nice alternative to marriage.

Now I’m not saying people shouldn’t get married; that’s all well and good, if that’s what you want to do. But I think that living together (at least for a period) is a much better arrangement. Because the truth is, some marriages should never have happened and if the couples had spent any ‘home’ time together before getting married, they might have realized that and not taken that disastrous step. And when you think of it really, what makes cohabiting so wrong in this society? It’s culture, and (old) values and religion and pretty much a list of things that we (the society) have put ‘in the way’.

Maybe I don’t belong here. Maybe I should be cast out to the oyinbo lands faraway, me with my ‘western’ ideas. But I certainly would choose to have a long-term partner over short lived marital bliss.

I hope I have been able to convince and not confuse you, regarding this matter of playing house before marriage. Do you agree or disagree. Let me know what you think in the comments.

Responses

  1. Aggie
    Cohabitation isn’t a bad idea. But my argument is this ‘what is wrong with showing your true self to someone you like’. Failed marriages didn’t start as a result of people not knowing each other well enough, it started as a result of people pretending and basing their relationships on deceit. Staying with someone for years doesn’t guarantee you will find out more than the person is willing to show you, it probably only guarantees savings.
    13+
    1. MissO Post author
      lol. It probably only guarantees savings eh? I feel you. And yes, no one should base their relationships on deceit. Some people exist who can hide their real selves for a very long time. Those people are scary folk in my opinion, and they are not the ones anyone wants around them.
      0
  2. Moss
    Interesting but u finally said Western ways…lol. Without going to too much trouble dissecting what I have read, this are my thoughts:
    1. You are talking about a long term r/ship where you really hv time but one thing u didn’t add is the fact dat not every long term r/ships lead to marriage. The danger inherent in this type of arrangement is too much.
    2. What happens when things fall apart or where do you hide your face when the r/ship didn’t work? Do you go back to your house or your parent’s house or people won’t remember u were a-live in lover of someone.

    I believe there is no perfect marriage. Unless God builds, d workers are working in vain. When you have it at the back of your mind that this is going to work, definitely, you will make it. As a couple to be, don’t expect too much bc it will lead to failure. Live one day at a time. Agreed you need to spend time together but it doesn’t mean staying at his place permanently. Build yourself up with love n when you don’t know why you love someone, den you are gud and ready bc if u can point out why, a day might come dos reasons might not be there again. So you fall short.

    Marriage should be seen as a school where you are a friend to your partner. Appreciate d person n agree that he is human who is fallible. Just be yourself, never hide your true self from ur partner bc it’s the major problem couples are facing. Discuss n engage in talks, never sleep over quarrels n don’t ever draw a line. The problem with this generation is d fact that we believe in having space but marriage is two people becoming one.

    If u meet someone n you get married the following month, does it mean the marriage won’t work? No, all that matters is building on what you have and trusting each other to make it work. Never quitting on each other makes it work, bc even tongue and teeth fight but they stay together in the month.
    You are getting married to someone who you don’t know from Adam, has his own ideas but at the long run, been patient with each other helps a lot. We all have 1001 different characters n how long are you going to date each other b4 u know it all.

    IMO, staying together can be calamitous. Marriage is what you make of it bc it has no template, follow your heart n be considerate. Extreme actions or when u don’t know when to apply brake n say sorry kills r/ships or marriages. Also, IMO some of these long term r/ships that tag together eventually get married out of the need to save face for having dated for so long. Once you are married, you guys will adjust to life gradually n set new goals. Being happy is at a cost, so be ready to pay the price when the time comes. Nothing good comes easy but do your best and allow him play his role and a praying family will survive any day, any time.

    Apologies for the long epistle…lol

    22+
    1. MissO Post author
      I have nothing to add to this epistle. It’s dripping with wisdom. And in the end, nothing good comes easy as you’ve said. Whether marriage, whether live-in relationship, whether trial run, it all takes effort.
      0
  3. Pearl N
    Its been a while i made a comment on TNC…now i’m back and i loove this topic, very sensitive and an eye opener. Personally i don’t see anything wrong with co-habiting while dating, if that’s your thing, tho i wouldn’t do it. I see your point for this as ‘an insurance before marriage’so one doesn’t risk having a divorce afterwards which is a smart thing to do. Another fact is if u are honest, faithful and committed in your normal ‘weekend relationship’ because we all caught up with work & all then u don’t need to co-habit. E.g. I dated my husband briefly & we had the most awkward most loving relationship..we married & no issues. No matter how long u co-habit, some people are pretty good at pretending i know one or two of my female friends who did that and is married but still having same issues as she did while co-habiting, infact because she’s a lawyer she was considering a divorce at some point. I feel people should be open in relationships and it will still end well. One major disadvantage in my opinion is getting pregnant while co-habiting and the man marries u just because of the baby not because he really loves u and all or u contract a disease from him (It happened to a friend of mine, she wants to be a single mom now cos she’s preggy but she can’t stand him so she called it off but keeping the baby)…so many issues..my humble opinion be open and committed in your relationship.
    2+
    1. MissO Post author
      Welcome back to the comments section
      You’re right about openness and honesty and faithfulness and commitment. Very important ingredients for any relationship really. The thing on pregnancy while cohabiting is a bit of a snag, though i don’t think the guy has to marry the girl just cos she got pregnant (yeah, me and my western ways again). To be honest, in this day and age, they can both decide whether or not keeping the baby is a viable option. If they decide to keep it, they’ll need to agree under what circumstances – that is to be married or not. But if they both decide to get married because of that, then they should be ready to live with the consequences of their decision. I think your friend’s decision to be a single mom (and I will write about that soon) is the right one. Better safe (on her own) than sorry (in an unhappy marriage).
      0
  4. Morris
    I really enjoyed this article, very funny, i mean what is this ‘And I’m not talking the “I like rice and you like beans” type of knowing.”, and the ‘If the guy is unlucky comment’.

    A very serious topic. I expected you to mention, somehow that your case might have its disadvantages, but then it’s a debate. If you don’t stick to your side, you will loose.

    So, my 2kobo, it makes sense, but it don’t guarantee nothing. I, personally think it’s way too much investment, i go with , Calamitious indeed.

    5+
    1. Joe
      Way too much investment as you said, I’m thinking of ending mine but my tongue and the awkward questions from friends is killing me.
      Is that the reason some men bring some other lady home so the madam in the house can see for herself and then take a cue and walk away.
      Abeg I’m not a demon.
      1+
        1. Joe
          Please Epp me not be a demon.
          How do you tell someone you’ve been living together with for the past 3 months and spent all weekends together prior to that 3 months(for another 3 months) .
          Someone you’ve been having sex with averagely 4x a week.
          Some one her family and friends know you with.
          Someone that lives and work within 1km radius around you.
          How do you tell them you’re not doing again?
          1+
          1. MissO Post author
            Well
            you sit with her and have a heart-to-heart conversation. If she’s a smart girl, she probably senses that something isn’t right. Unless you’re doing such a good job of keeping up appearances in which case you have more than just demon tendencies 🙂
            Bottom line, you’re being unfair to her by not telling her. And once she gets past the initial heartbreak, she’ll understand this and be grateful for the fact that she can focus on moving on.
            Meanwhile, why exactly are you not doing again? There’s got to be valid reasons o…
            1+
          2. Larz
            The longer you stay in the rship, the worse it becomes. Why
            A) you will waste her time even more n become the guy that broke up with her after 10ys of living together.
            B) you will become difficult to leave with n will ruin any sort of friendship or rship with her.
            0
    2. Ufuomaee
      Yes, I missed that… she didn’t address the negatives! But like you said, it’s a debate, and she isn’t trying to help anyone unpack her argument… Nice contribution!
      0
    3. MissO Post author
      @morris
      Yes, my case does have its disadvantages. But like you pointed out, I need to stick to my side 🙂
      On the topic of investment, i kinda feel that i would rather put in the (limited) investment for a period and be able to pull out if it doesn’t yield returns, than bet it all at once and end up in a rut for life. You know what they say about broken relationships being better than broken marriages.
      1+
  5. Joe
    Recently I found out, when you meet someone, you know if they are the one or not(from a man’s pov) .cohabiting or 100miles relationship you will know and you will put in Conscious efforts To make it work.
    4+
    1. MissO Post author
      I’m assuming you’re the same Joe up there who doesn’t want to ‘do again’. This one that you said ‘recently you found out…’, have you found someone else then? The one? If that’s the case, then let the 6 month old auntie go, so that she can go and find her ‘one’, or be found by her ‘one’.
      0
  6. Northern Princess
    I’ve always told my sister I’ll like to live with my the person I’m going to get married to. For at least 6 months before I decide to spend the rest of my life with him. Just because my partner might have some habits I can’t stand or vice versa.
    What might make it difficult is my stance on sex. I could be traditional in some of my views, so I think sex should be had with only one person lool. I also think sex changes the dynamics of a relationship(good or bad). That and my mom was one of the “if a boy holds your hand, pregnancy mothers” 😂 so I’m a bit scarred.
    0
    1. MissO Post author

      having traditional views is just fine. And to be honest, people wouldn’t be so spoilt or promiscuous if they were only able to have sex with just one person ever. But if it’s the man that you want to marry, chances are that you would be able to have a conversation about not having sex and he would be fine with it, because your relationship would have more to go on than just sex. So, yes. it might be challenging living in close quarters and not getting physical, but that’s also part of the getting to know each other process.
      0
  7. The Black Wolf
    I lived with my ex for about two and a half years (one year during now our post graduate studies in England & the rest after we got our first Job in Nigeria) I must say it was a beautiful experience which taught me a lot not only about my partner but myself…growing up I was spoilt as I had younger sisters; she wasn’t having any of that..when she’s cooked I did the dishes and when I cooked she did the dishes.. finically we both contributed to stuff together
    Now we might not have ended up together for other reasons, but it gave me a glimpse into what a marriage should be like
    I saw her at he absolute worst; stressed from work, irritated on her periods, too tired to do anything and I accepted it fully..
    Before jumping the broom with any woman, I would want to live with her for 6 months in the least
    3+
    1. MissO Post author
      Testimony!!! Thanks
      That glimpse is what I’m trying to convince people to get. Of course, not all of them will have happy endings, but at least there’ll be an ending where there needs to be one. And both people would have learned valuable lessons as well as a thing or two about themselves.
      0
  8. Ufuomaee
    Ummm… I’m never disappointed when I click on one of your posts. You have a way of addressing issues that is really very insightful, daring and thought-provoking! *We need you on #TeamJesus*

    Alright, I can totally see the merits to your arguments here, and I understand and appreciate them. I have also thought that to myself often. And the truth of the matter is, without religion, there would be no need for marriage (in my opinion) today. And many people would be better off without the pressure to marry…

    Marriage was made for holiness. It is a holy undertaking, and not something people should expect to succeed at without the grace of God, whether explicit or implicit. Hence, when people say their wedding vows, they wisely include “so help me God”!

    So, I completely agree with you that in today’s world, and for people who do not honor God nor marriage, that cohabitation is a good alternative. In fact, it’s quite fantastic in many ways. Marriage is not something that should be entered lightly, and if you don’t honour it nor believe in abstaining until you get into it, why would you subject yourself to it?

    But, going on your reasoning for why cohabitation is good as a precursor to marriage, I wondered if that could be extended to bearing and raising children, and living together…with plans to eventually marry. Once couples have children, their lives change dramatically, and not usually for the better. It is often worse before it gets better! And it is then they really get to know themselves (what they are made of, not even their spouse!).

    So, if sampling the environs of marriage in cohabitation is a good idea, why stop there? Would you try to have a child out of wedlock, to see if you guys can survive this new addition to your lives? And let’s say you did have a baby, and then, it didn’t work out… Do you see yourself doing that with MULTIPLE partners in one lifetime?

    I suppose you might not. And your reasoning will take you to the wisdom of marriage. Marriage is a faith venture, and it takes true love to make that leap. Yes, foolish people still marry and mess up their lives… Just as foolish people still get driving licenses and wreck theirs and other people’s lives…

    I can argue a good case for abstinence until marriage from a Christian perspective. But it is really no use to suggest such to people who do not believe in God, nor choose to honour Him with obedience.

    Thanks for the post. It was a really good read.

    Sincerely, Ufuoma.

    8+
    1. MissO Post author
      Thanks @ufuomaee for reading and for the insights.
      Now about extending the trial period to having children, that’s up to the couple really. I think it’s entirely possible to have & raise children without being married. You’re right – children change the dynamics and they test the couple both as individuals and together. But before they decide on having children (even if they got pregnant by mistake), there would be some level of agreement that that’s the direction they’re choosing to go. Now, if they’ve committed to staying with each other for whatever period they chose to cohabit, and they’ve dealt with each other at their best and worst, then they should have a stronger base & bond that will give them the confidence and comfort required to push through the challenges of the next stage of their relationship. Yes, they would most likely gravitate towards the ‘wisdom of marriage’, but the ‘margin of error’ would have been greatly reduced.
      On your last point, (“I can argue a good case for abstinence until marriage from a Christian perspective. But it is really no use to suggest such to people who do not believe in God, nor choose to honour Him with obedience”), my debate is not about premarital sex or no – even though it might seem like sex is a given with a live-in relationship. Abstinence until marriage is an entirely different topic and deserves its own post, whether from a Christian perspective or not.
      P.S. I believe in God. Thought I’d just put that out there 🙂
      0
      1. Ufuomaee
        Dear @misso

        Here are a few thoughts of mine on Cohabitation and Children.

        When you consider the possibility or the inclusion of children in a relationship, co-habitation becomes a wreckless and selfish endeavour. It is highly unwise and unloving, because children need the security and stability of a loving marriage between a man and his wife to thrive. When you co-habit, you risk bringing them into an environment that is unstable, where they may be rejected or seen as either the cause of their parents’ misery (in cases where the man feels trapped to propose marriage) or the end of their relationship (where their arrival results in a break-up).

        It really doesn’t matter if you had INTENDED to marry. You still haven’t, and are always free to change your mind about that. When a child comes into the picture, during such an indecisive relationship, they change the dynamics of such relationships, and you do not always do what you intended, because ultimately, YOU ARE FREE, which is what you wanted by not getting married!

        The very worst possibility is that you risk them being MURDERED, because the woman may succumb to the man’s pressure to do away with the child through abortion, for the sake of their relationship, or the woman may be burdened to make that decision on her own to preserve their relationship or even to severe their relationship.

        In co-habitation, children are not safe. They have become objects that can be discarded depending on how the parents feel in their relationship. They are pawns for manipulation, and not a joyous gift that binds the couple even closer, and brings them happiness. They are an afterthought, whereas in marriage, a home and a future is prepared for them.

        Ultimately, co-habitation contradicts the wisdom of God, whether as regarding abstinence (FLEE Fornication, don’t keep the person in your space, living as married when you are not), or regarding unselfish, unconditional love and nurturing of children.

        Regarding your comment about believing in God… I wrote a post not long ago about what it means to “believe in God”. I thought you might like to read it, even though you may not agree. Here it is: http://blog.ufuomaee.org/2016/11/12/are-you-sure-you-believe-in-god/

        I still appreciate the post for the ways it makes me think, and I hope people are able to understand the issues more clearly.

        Cheers, Ufuoma

        3+
          1. thetoolsman
            if it’s just mentioning several people with the “@” sign, it’s fine. but once you do that and then include a web address in the comment, the system will flag it.
            0
  9. Larz
    @misso it is funny, I chose not to cohabit for the very reasons you gave for it.

    If the kind of explosive (some even meaningless) fights/ argument that we had in our first year had happened before we got married, we won’t have gotten married. In fact, if I cohabited with anyone but myself (any even that one is still questionable), we won’t get married. The commitment and vow I made on my wedding day reminds me that this is my choice and my decision and I MUST make it work. Yes it is like being stuck but in a very good way.

    10+
    1. Morris
      Infact, very very great point. For a lot of people, the fact that they haven’t ‘made the vows’ makes them not work on whatever the issue maybe.
      2+
    2. thetoolsman
      Was really hoping someone would make this point. It’s a very excellent one. Having tried cohabiting myself, I realized the reason it didn’t work was that there was nothing “binding” us together beyond those seemingly empty words.. “Will you be my boyfriend/girlfriend”..

      Now I’m not saying wedding vows can’t be ignored but once you cross that line, there’s so much more to lose and that sort of brings you back down to earth whenever you feel like running out of your marriage.

      5+
  10. Damiloves
    Very interesting article. The points you’ve made are spot on, yet I recently came across cohabitation theory? Psychologists suggest cohabitation has not done anything positive for the divorce rate? It probably actually increases it. Also, I think there is a different attitude when the title of marriage arrives, people are free to be their true selves. You’d be surprised how long pretenses can last for if someone is waiting for a presumed destination such as marriage. Perhaps if we all started out as flat mates before dating then they’ll be no need for cohabitation? What do I know, I am just supposing 😫

    FGM vs Female Circumcision

    2+
  11. Tolu
    I agree entirely with @misso cohabiting comes with lots of cons.  However, I cohabited with the husband before we got married and it was a beautiful and eye opening experience.
    It wasn’t planned. Boo and I had travelled to the UK for our masters and we both had issues with the accomodation we got separately. We then decided to get one together for two major reasons: firstly, to get a good accommodation we could o afford together and secondly to save money. It wasn’t to sample what it would be like when we get married. Prior to cohabiting, we had dated for a year and we had already decided to get married after our masters. When he was still ‘toasting’ me it was never about being a girlfriend… I was going to be his wife. And all that ‘toasting’ time was to get to know me and see if I was wife material or not. Boo and I were very invested in each other and so I wasn’t scared of a break up even if he saw my ‘true colors’.
    While cohabiting we had the most explosive fights we never would have had if we didn’t cohabit. Mr boo knew I had a temper but he didn’t know the magnitude of my temper tantrum. Of course, this showed itself while we cohabited. We had agreed to be together and accept all out flaws and so it just got us closer and more intimate. Not intimate like sex….we never had sex in the one and a half years we cohabited. (Me being a virgin and him being voluntarily & purposefully celibate). Of course there were temptations but truth be told, crossing the line to having sex wasn’t our struggle….we just knew that could never happen, I wasn’t scared that I would fall into having sex.  Mr boo was even more disciplined than I was. I think the only thing that could have torn us apart was cheating. But that again wasn’t a struggle or something I was afraid of. It might seem weird, but I trust Mr. Boo (now Mr. Husband) so much and do not believe he would cheat. I think i am a very good judge of character.

    I would never have thought I would ever cohabit but I guess the new environment just made it okay for us. I would never encourage anyone to cohabit though….Coz even though I didn’t go experience the cons of cohabiting, it is much likely to occur and out weigh the pros.

    2+
  12. Pj
    Interesting read.
    @misso from my discussion with some Nigerian ladies, when such situations end,they start talking about how much they gave the guy, how he used and dumped them bla bla,almost like they were forced into it.its really one one of the most irritating discussions to Have.
    Also, people don’t have to be married to feel stuck in a relationship. Sometimes people actually go ahead and marry despite knowing that they aren’t just because of all the time they have lived together.
    At the end of the day,you can cohabit for as long as you want and get married tomorrow and it may still not work (Brad &Angie). What I even think is that some people who cohabit actually get married because they are beginning to see cracks in the relationship and they think marrying will solve their problems. Alas, they think wrong!
    1+
  13. Eddie
    I hear your cons and all @misso. As you say better broken relationship than broken marriage but if the broken relationship is one where they’re cohabiting, the pain is so much more because you’ve invested much more. Also like some people have pointed out, when cohabiting, there’s a lower threshold for dissolving the relationship but what does that teach us about patience and perseverance? I’m not saying if you’re having a horrible time you shouldn’t leave but I just think one the whole it does something to our mentality.
    Sadly, I think we’re moving to a point where marriage has zero value and people cohabit and raise their kids in that setting. We’ve redefined marriage and now we’re going to redefine ‘family’. I worry about the society my children will live in but that’s another huge topic entirely!
    Wow I wrote an epistle.
    0

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

+