My First Sexual Experience Was Rape

Opinion

It was on the 15th of October, 2005. I was a very vibrant soul who had a lot of friends and was fun all around. I loved the freedom that university gave me since we were on a 7pm curfew back home.  Surprisingly, I was an obedient child which was why when mom said focus…

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It was on the 15th of October, 2005.

I was a very vibrant soul who had a lot of friends and was fun all around. I loved the freedom that university gave me since we were on a 7pm curfew back home.  Surprisingly, I was an obedient child which was why when mom said focus in school and avoid boys that may distract you, I promptly foolishly dumped my secondary school boyfriend who had written letters to me for most of my years in school (doxologies, scented letters, rose petals enclosed in an envelope …those days were the shiznit I swear!)

Well, school was close to home so like every other weekend, my sister and I went home to catch up on all the stories we usually had to tell my mom about school and the cute boys in campus that were weakening our stance not to be distracted….lol. It was a night that was filled with laughter and we called it a night at about midnight and went to bed.

It was the bright light that woke me up! It was raining and I wondered why we still had power seeing as the rain was usually NEPA’s most convenient excuse for a blackout. I realized it was a torch light and a strange voice saying ‘get up’ then followed by ‘don’t move’.  In my confusion of trying to figure out how one can get up and not move at the same time, I made out 3 figures above me. I heard my sister who was sleeping in the other bed started crying and they turned to her. We were terrified and not knowing how relevant it was at the time but they asked which school we attended, I opted for secondary school and my sister went with her actual university and that was when it got bad.

Short demon in red shirt: ‘oh…so you are one of these university girls wearing mini-skirts around town and forming like you are too good for the rest of us abi?’

Sister:  *sobs* ‘nooooo’

Short demon in red tshirt:  ‘where is all the money your sugar daddy gives you’?

After several attempts by my sister to convince them that she didn’t have any money, they figured they could not just leave and asked that she take off her maroon nightgown. The fear of being raped made her reach for some money her roommate in school gave her for a wedding she was helping with. This brought out the real savages in these demons, especially the short one with the red shirt. He was like a 1000 year old vampire deprived of blood for 2 decades. Her cry was sad and painful to hear. Knowing that could possibly be my fate in a couple of minutes, I cried even more and begged them to leave her alone but all our pleas and her struggle were futile against 3 of them (two held her down while one did the act) . She screamed at a point and they knocked her out with the butt of the gun. Like zombies, they turned to me.…

Tall demon in blue shorts:  ‘You, we told you to keep quiet but you are shouting and crying when I did not even touch you as a small girl but you won’t keep quiet’

Me: *wailing* ‘I am sorry’

My plea only seemed to excite him in some sick way. He handed over his gun to his partner who held it with one hand and assisted him by trying to hold one of my legs. I was scared so I fought hard but the two of them were too much to handle. He climbed on top of me, he smelled of 3 days old sweat, local gin and hemp all in one. I fought while being hit by the same gun that may likely kill me. You never know what it’s like to fight and be exhausted to a point you give up.  He slammed into me…once …twice……thrice ………I don’t know what I expected my first time to feel like but certainly not this pain. It made me numb and my ears were ringing. It hurt so bad that I didn’t care if the gun was there, I just knew I had to stop him so when he lifted himself up again, I just grabbed his penis and twisted it so hard he screamed and cursed and jumped off me. He punched me so hard and would have continued but for the intervention of the lookout who shouted from his position outside the window that they must leave immediately.

Then the shame started. I felt raw SHAME; I felt I had failed myself and my parents. When they left, my mom with tears in her eyes went straight for my sister and held her and cried. I just sat there and stared at them. My dad stood by the door and looked lost and after my mom found a cloth to cover us up, he stepped forward and hugged me. His shame was the fact that he was helpless to protect us. He was no longer super-dad, just dad.

I didn’t want their pity, to be asked questions, taken to the hospital for tests or be seen as something that was no longer perfect, a broken piece of china held together by some glue. I explained the blood on the bed as….. ‘he broke my nose while hitting me’. My parents wanted that to be the truth so bad, one child raped is painful and can be handled but two would have been too much for them so I did what was seen as ‘normal’. I watched movies all day and went for tests discreetly the next day. I took little victory in the fact that he did not release his seed in me. His pleasure was not complete.

Honestly, I thought I had handled it well until I realized;

  • I was unnecessarily jumpy, will scream with raw panic and hyper ventilate when someone sneaks up on me.
  • I sleep in the afternoon and become a vigilante at night in my father’s house. This was supposed to be a place of solace.
  • Whenever I was home, I stayed indoors because they know me but I don’t know them so they could be anywhere outside the house waiting to gloat and laugh at me.
  • I tried living in a bungalow once but I am most comfortable in a house that is several floors up since no one can pass by my window.
  • Foreplay is okay with a man until he tries to penetrate and I sometimes suddenly dry up from panic.

It took 10 years for me to admit it to my parents and it was a huge relief as their suspicion and guilt over the years was doused in denial.  As for my mom, it has made us even closer as she calls often, hugs me whenever we are together, talk about sex to reassure me that it can be beautiful between couples so I do not remember that day as the ideal way it should be. The biggest leap was from my usually shy dad struggling with embarrassment while assuring me all men are not that evil and are gentle with women. ‘Ask your mum’ he says…..errrrr ‘I will pass’. I hugged him and told him ‘I REALLY AM OKAY’.

Yes, I don’t even know the name of the first one but I don’t dwell on that now because I have drowned it with good memories. It takes a real man who loves you to make you see yourself and maybe sex as something beautiful again. It helps if you talk to someone about it. It becomes your past which you must let go of to heal.

What’s your first time story? Hopefully most people have better stories to share.

Image via HomeSchoolers Anonymous

Responses

  1. Od
    Beautiful. I’m so glad it ended this well for you. And I’m terribly sorry it happened at all. Especially for your dad. I so don’t envy what he had to endure. It is capable of breaking a man. And the fear of such things is why I wanted to learn how to fight and use dangerous weapons so I can protect my family. But it never really ends with protecting. Violence breeds violence. Better to let God take care of things.

    For first time stories, I’ll let the women go first. It is women’s day after all. Happy Women’s Day, ladies. 🙂

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  2. Cavey
    I would give you a bone crushing hug but I fear you’d reflexively grab and twist Capt. Caveman *winces* so here’s a cyber hug instead ?

    My first time didn’t go as I’d planned in my head (I guess it rarely does). I wanted to wait till I found someone special and worth it so I made sure I extricated myself from situations that could be…troublesome.
    It was 06.03.12.
    I left school one weekend and ran into her and a couple of other friends. We hadn’t seen since high school so rather than go clubbing, we all went back a hotel. A couple of drinks, some blunts and a game of truth or dare later, hormones were on overdrive. The others had at some point, gone to play ‘daddy & mummy’ so we were alone. “I’ve liked you since SS2” were the words she said before she kissed me…and I kissed back but as things started getting steamy, I stopped her. “I can’t do this. Not because I don’t want to ‘cos I just want to rip your clothes off and have my wicked way with you but because I promised myself my first time would be meaningful”. And she stopped and said she understood. I kissed her in the forehead and slept on the floor (can’t tempt myself…body no be firewood).
    Next morning, while watching a movie together, she asked to kiss me. I felt bad ‘cos I’d turned her down earlier so sure, no problem (plus she was an amazing kisser!). Mid makeout, babe starts crying. Hian! I’m not a terrible kisser na! Then tells me I made her feel like a whore last night. She felt she’d thrown herself at me and I just turned her down! I can’t stand a crying woman…makes me feel helpless and torn. So I kissed her again and then told her if she wants to, she could have her way with me and that was the death of virgin Cavey.

    Dearest Vanilla, I’m sorry you experienced that.
    I’m in awe of your selflessness, not telling your parents the truth then because it would break them.
    I’m glad you had the strength and grace to heal.
    I’m glad, dearest V, that you’re okay now.

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  3. Ufuomaee
    This is horrible! I don’t know what to say… I don’t know if I read correctly, but it sounded like you were raped in your own house…? Or was it on your way out to the campus? It’s a terrible thing for any woman to go through, whether as a first time or not. Thank God that you’ve securely put it in your past. I pray that your story will help others to heal and help us all to be more vigilant.
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  4. vanilla
    Thank you all.

    , yes, it was in my father’s house but both he and mom were held at gun point and could do nothing even though he tried. Thankfully, my sister is okay now and married. i am doing okay too.

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  5. Tee boy
    Ass holes. ….animals. I hate men who rape women. I will have a gun in my house as soon as I can get a license for one. If any robber/rapist comes my way or within my zone. It will be the warning shot and then the maim/kill shot. Vanilla I empathise with how you and your sister felt that horrid night. Sorry dear….*hugs to you*
    Bloody cowards!!! Only at gunpoint.
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  6. aisha
    First, you’re my hero Vanilla. I’m soo proud of the girl you were then, thinking smart and putting others before you even in the worst of situations, and the woman you’ve become, telling the world about what happened to you so honestly. Shame on those riff-raff; no child should be made to feel unsafe in their home.

    I think rape should be addressed, not just from the female angle, but from the male too. Parents really need to talk to their sons, to respect girls and women, for their bodies, for their emotions, for their territory.

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    1. Priscilla Joy
      Yes I agree too, it all starts in the family, the way boys are raised to see women. how grown up men treat women out there is appalling, it’s like the word consent doesn’t exist at all. Something really needs to be done.
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    2. Saul Goodman
      Talk to their sons and daughters. Not just sons. The fraction of boys raped is very small, but boys get raped too. True story
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  7. vanilla
    Thanks Aisha…

    Honestly, i totally agree with you, guys need that education like yesterday. So many think ,’no’ still does not mean ‘no’ but a girl playing hard to get’. Nobody has to go through rape, it is not pleasant and can leave someone with a really low self esteem. If we start the education early, it will help as not all rapists carry guns, some walk among us daily.

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  8. Priscilla Joy
    You’re such a brave woman Vanilla, I’m glad you’re doing great. I identify with some of the things you wrote, yes crying and pleading to be let go excites them, you can just see it in their eyes. The part you wrote about being jumpy and screaming whenever somebody sneaks up on you is real to me too, for a very long time I would flinch when someone, man or woman touches me even unconsciously, I never liked being touched and I would never voluntarily hug anyone either. I was in my friend’s car one day and he stopped at my junction, but I didn’t know that the passenger’s door at the front seat was faulty, so he reached out across me to open the door himself, omg the way I screamed that evening, he was so shocked and withdrew his hand immediately, the people on the street started staring at us and a guy that was standing just beside the car looked in to ask if i was OK, I was so embarrassed. I just apologized, didn’t explain because I could just feel the tears coming, and hurriedly got down. This is just one out of many scenarios.

    Rape changes a woman, and a man too, any form of sexual violence changes a person, but beauty can come out of it as well. Your parents are right, a man that truly loves you, who is patient, nice, kind, and tender can make sex and generally being with a man beautiful. I wish you the very best, rock on!

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    1. Tee boy
      Keep your head up girl…they are freaking cowards that need stiff penalties for the evil they are doing to our women.
      Thanks for sharing. This rape thing is way worse than I imagine.
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    2. Vanilla
      It gets better, fight that jumpy feeling by asking friends & family to speak or make a sound before they get to where you are, that helps and gradually it gets better. All the best too!
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  9. Olayinka
    I am so sorry Vanilla. Imagining what you and your family must have gone through over the years is simply horrifying. I cannot begin to imagine. I know you said you are alright and I’m glad you are but if you can, please see a therapist. I really am sorry.
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  10. Germaine
    I’m really sorry you had to go through this, Vanilla. I hope you’re good now. You are bold for sharing, thank you.

    I have no memory of my first time. I had had a lot of cheap whisky to drink, playing a drinking game with my friends. Holding my liquor is something I’ve always been lowkey proud of. I was quite alright. Helping my drunk friends out- I was walking fine, walking quite some distance. My boyfriend and I fought earlier, so I went to his place to make up. I must have closed my eyes for a second or something, I don’t know. We were in the dark, and I didn’t even realise it was really happening (let’s say I was on autopilot) until I said something odd and he realised I wasn’t really there, and he flipped. Yes we were at the point in our relationship when it was like the next thing to do. I did love him, and he wanted it to be special- and I felt like I had ruined that.

    Sex was really complicated in that relationship, to say the least. I know it sounds messed up- to blackout, really? But even I knew then that I could not afford to dwell on it. It’s not a story I’m eager to tell. Years later, I’m in a good place- but sometimes for the sake of memories, I wish my first time was chick flick perfect.

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  11. Kaka
    Tears welled up in me after reading this. Terrible experience for a family.
    You’re thoughtful and resilient Vanilla. Well done.

    Happy international women’s day.

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  12. ibiela
    Eish! This rape issue really depresses me. It’s even worse when it’s done by someone you know and love. I’m really sorry this happened to you Vanilla, and I’m glad you’ve healed so well. I think rapists should be burnt with tyres on the streets. Forgive my cruelty.
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  13. Olushola
    Hi vanilla, making any sensible comment other than what I wrote earlier was hard, somehow, the story breaks my heart even though it had its silver lining.
    First, thank you for sharing your story.
    2. Please, schedule an appointment to see a therapist unless it’s really not necessary anymore.
    3. Kindly help others who bear similar trauma get back to their feet and quickly too. Yours or not, this story will help a lot of people find the motivation to live again. It makes a difference when one who’s had same or close experience shares your troubles. Incidents like this has left a whole lot of people in the wrong place for life. This may be too much to ask of you but I hope you will give it some thoughts.

    This should remind every parent or intending ones to raise respectful upright kids with sound values. It’s also important that parents prioritize security too, not meaning to judge, and this has little to do with the article, but a lifetime of trauma would probably have been avoided by sacrificing a few bucks to protection and security. The world, as it is, is annoyingly frustrating already, let’s not make it worse.

    Once again, thanks for sharing this.

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    1. vanilla
      Thanks Olushola, i am okay with speaking with others and have actually talked with 2 people with similar experiences. It sure helps when you speak and assure yourself that it was not your fault.

      While some people are okay with speaking with another, some people prefer to heal in private so we have to respect them. One thing
      is constant….Love and more love is one sure way for both heal.

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  14. Nelo
    God bless you Vanilla for sharing . You are a super angel. I had goose pimples all over me while reading and tears in my eyes too. The days following that incident must have been horrible ( an understatement ). May those guys remain cursed for the rest of their lives. May they live with regrets all through their lives.
    This is hard to forgive.
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  15. Larz
    Kudos to your parents for really investing their time to hell you get through this. I know most naija parents would usually try to sweep it under the carpet.

    Why people rape others?
    I seriously dont believe that all rapist comes from non caring family. I think most of the times, parents dont invest time in sexual education especially with the men. As a result, their sexual education comes from porn and from peer group who advvocate using sex (agressive sex) as a way to demonstrate powerful. More importantly, they are taught that girls wants this secretly or more openly.

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  16. chizoba
    WOW!! I can totally imagine how she must have felt.Like she said those feelings of fear and unease never really go away.I am glad she is trying to find ways to erase such horrendous thoughts from her mind .
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  17. Don Flowers
    This was really painful to read, I can’t begin to imagine what you ladies went through or what your parents had to go through. I’m glad you all are okay.

    Toolsman, please what happened to my article on rape and that poem on rape, bloody classic poem that is. And the article too, please review because I think it will spur intelligent discuss.

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  18. Ade
    You’re a strong woman! I’m very sorry you had to go through that but I’m glad you didn’t let that experience to damage you. God will deal with those bastards eventually and you’ll will fulfill your destiny. Stay blessed, my sister
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