Patiently Waiting.

bride

Tunji: Lola I want you back.

Lola: I don’t know what to say.

Tunji: Say we can try again.

Lola: You know I’m not ready to be in a relationship. Can we have this conversation some other time?

The above conversation is one I have had every other day/week/month for the past 8years.

But a few days ago, I sent my friend a message saying my ex wants me back and I think I’m going to say yes, she calls me on Skype a few minutes later and says do you love him? I stalled for 50seconds and said no but I know he loves me, now he hasn’t said those three magic words in a few years but I’m 80% sure he does, good odds if you ask me. You see I and Tunji dated when I was eighteen and I broke up with him after a year. I have to confess that I was a shitty girlfriend; I was young, selfish and immature. A few months into our relationship, I resumed school at the University of Ilorin while he was waiting for admission into the University of Ibadan. To be honest, that was the beginning of the end; my mind just wasn’t in it anymore and the likeness I felt for him quickly turned into irritation.

I met a boy in my class who started telling me all the lies we girls so love to hear so I broke up with Tunji citing irreconcilable differences. From the day I broke up with him, he made it clear that he wanted me back and he has been singing the same tune till date. Initially I thought it was just so he could have sex with me since I had withheld it from him till that point or maybe he wanted me back just so he could punish me. However, with time, I realised his feelings are genuine. He even enrolled in my school when he heard I was going for my masters and joined the batch after mine. However regardless of location (Lagos or London) whatever little thing I felt for him back then hasn’t resurfaced.

Between then and now I’ve grown to the ripe old age of twenty-six, four relationships under my belt and I’ve become what people refer to as a cynic but I generally prefer the term hardass. Unlike most people, I haven’t had any extremely bad relationship experience, never shed tears over a guy; yeah a few guys have hurt my feelings but no lasting bitterness or anger towards men. I have loved, lived and learned and I have come to re-evaluate my definition of love. Don’t get me wrong, I was never a hopeless romantic, my friends are the first ones to refer to me as heartless, the word cold has been thrown about occasionally and I always win the most likely to get married last award. So there you have it, a little background into the typical life of Lola.

I went back to uni a few days ago and bumped into Tunji and had the same conversation over again. I gave the same response but on the train ride back home, I thought to myself why not give it a try, there is a 70% chance (I’m big on analysis so I usually measure things in percentages) of us getting married if we start dating again. His parents and mine are close friends and we are both at the “marriageable age”. When I woke up the next morning, my friend sent me a link to a post, which I guess most of you have read by now. If you haven’t, here’s the link. The gist of the post is that there’s this girl, after dating horrible men, she’s finally given up on finding a soul mate and is settling for marriage with the man who loves her. Now this should be the validation I required to say yes to Tunji but surprisingly, I had the opposite reaction and the first thing I said was “what utter bullshit” and it occurred to me that I don’t want that life for myself (yippee, maybe I’m a closet romantic after all).

I’ll explain my rationale, if I could describe myself in two words, I would say I’m: easily bored. Don’t get me wrong; I love my company. The times I spend indoors watching movies and listening to music are the best but I’m easily bored with men; especially dull ones who I have no feelings for. Therefore, I would rather lock myself in my room for two weeks than go on an all expense paid trip to Barbados with a guy I don’t like because he would bore me to tears. I would have nothing to say to him, actually even if I had, I probably won’t say it because I know his reply would irritate it. And there you have it, marrying a guy you don’t love is akin to going to Barbados for the rest of my long ass life on earth. Perfect surroundings but it will feel like hell on earth. So call me old fashioned but I need something extra, the fact that he likes me isn’t enough. I need to reciprocate that like, I need butterflies, I need a connection, I need excitement. I need someone who makes my knees shake and someone who feels all these things for me too. Settling is therefore not an option.

So while it’s flattering/tempting to marry someone that loves you immensely or 90:10, I believe it’s that all consuming passion (which for all purpose we will call love) you feel for your partner that keeps you going. It’s what makes the sacrifice of your single status/freedom worthwhile, it’s what keeps you from poisoning your husband when he comes in at midnight and wakes you up to cook him dinner – it is what makes the marriage last. Most marriages of convenience evolve into a man and a woman living in the same house, sharing the same bed but leading separate lives. Strangers with nothing to say to each other, bound only by responsibility to their kids and societal expectations. So let me have a 50:50 love formula so when I’m lying next to him, staring at his bald head and pot belly, memories of when I thought he was the coolest thing since Facebook will keep me from strangling him. All a 90:10 formula gets you is a get out of jail free card to cheat on your husband. The connection I can’t find with you will be obtained from other men, and I know you’ll be at home waiting for me like a lovesick puppy and overtime his love will turn into anger and resentment as a result of unrequited love.

That said, I understand the urge to settle for the best available man, at 25+, there is unnecessary pressure from friends and family to get married but won’t you rather hold out for a few more years than spend the rest of your life with someone who you feel nothing but casual indifference for? Obviously there is a chance your feelings develop gradually and you end up falling in love with him because he is a “good” guy or he is great in the sack but what if that doesn’t happen??? You will have nothing but your regrets to keep you warm at night. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe love guarantees a happy marriage. I’ve been in love with people that I know will make shitty husbands due to some funny traits they possess but I do believe love is an essential component. Without it, your marriage is a gamble.

So my thought process has finally equipped me with the much-needed courage to remain patient and not compromise for the sake of a fancy wedding. Due to my selfish nature, I have held on to Tunji as a safety net just in case I decide to settle. Whenever he says let’s get back together, I just evade the question. So now our conversation will have a different ending. Instead of me coming up with different excuses about why it’s not the right time and making him jump through hoops, I’ll tell him to give up on memories of a fairytale relationship that ended eight years ago. :)

– Anonymous 

*********************

I couldn’t have written this better. It captures my thoughts on the subject (well, except the last paragraph <_<). What’s your take on this issue of settling and backup plans? Yes? No? Maybe? Use the comment box to speak your mind. Cheers.

64 Comments

  • Oluseye says:

    You have nothing to lose giving it a TRY.

    From experience and books on feminity.

    Most women (married / single) are bored because of the following reasons:

    They believe in the societal and warped definition of LOVE.

    They are shy to teach men what makes them happy, some guys do not know what they need to do. (E.g Sexually: Faking Orgasm is needed sometimes but not all the time. Let him get it out of you. If he doesn't TEACH him HOW, WHERE, WHAT) Most guys want to learn.In teaching do not be selfish.

    You want him to develop interest in what you like. You should also develop interest in what makes him THICK! Increase your mental capacity and be supportive – (This point is missing in most ladies)

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  • Temi says:

    Interesting… :)

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  • Peter Stump. says:

    " The heart wants what the heart wants" – This is one of the preconcived assumptions and ideas that have led our generation to where we are today, and that line is the equialent of when a dude says "My dick has a mind of its own" or "The dick wants what the dick wants". What a load of crap. "Love hits you when you least expect it" – here's another line of bullcrap. Please understand that i have absolutely nothing against wanting butterflies in your tummy or wanting your knees to give way but you need to understand what exactly it is that causes these butterflies or that know in your tummy. Go back and redefine what Love is, go back and know where emotions and feelings come from. Go back and understand the nature of these things and stop accepting these so called societal norms.

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    • thetoolsman says:

      erm.. Peter, pray tell.. where do these emotions come from.. (I'm asking for a friend)

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      • Peter Stump says:

        An emotion is a pscycophysiological experience of the state of mind of an indiviual while interactiong with internal and biochemical influences. your emotions come about as a result of the thoughts you generally pay attention to and the way you think. The "heart" that you speak of is not the one that beats in your chest or pumps blood around your body, your heart is in your brain. Rage, ,Fear, avarice, motivation, passion, compassion, kindness, hope, Love, hate, etc. Every "normal" or average for lack of a better word has the capacity to show all of these emotions. So whether conciously or subconsciously WE all have these inside of us. The decision to act on or show either of these is all up to the individual.

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      • Peter Stump says:

        In my definition for emotions, the other part was meant to be *external" influences.

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      • thetoolsman says:

        Ok Peter, so you've said all of these thing (which I must say reads like something from a textbook) but I'll even assume you're a psychologist, you know this stuff right?

        Here's what I'd like.. my understanding of your statement "…either of these is all up to the individual" is that we all posses the ability to display these emotions. Yes, even lower animals do.

        But correct me if I'm wrong, aren't some emotions more 'subconscious' than others? Do we prompt ourselves to 'fear'?

        As much as medicine and science can provide us with the theoretical facts, my issue with them is the fact that they always seem to miss out on that one last bit of information that ties it all together.

        That emotion/feeling or whatever which is so mysterious that we only describe it with that imprecise statement 'butterflies in your tummy', tell me, has it been medically or scientifically researched? Can you put it down to something being secreted? Is it possible to isolate whatever is responsible for it? If the answers to these questions is no then, my friend, I think we can all agree that when it comes to matters of 'the heart', yes, the one you said is actually in our brain, scientific/medical theories are bullcrap.

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      • Peter Stump says:

        Dopamine. That right there answers yur questions. There have been tons and tons of study that have brought in people who have these butterflies in their tummy and one thing has been constant. Their brains always contain or secret excess amounts of Dopamine. That answers your question about what is secreted or not. I'm sure i agreed with you that some emotions are subconcious, meaning they are there and they require a trigger. Fear is one of such, when a person points a gun at you, YOU are instantly afraid and you react based on this fear and submit yes? but do you know there are also people who in the same situation as you would react differently becuase they have conqured the fear that arises from that trigger? I like that you even decided to choose fear ans an example, fear show's itself in different forms and ways. Jealousy,insecurity,paranoia etc these are different variants of that emotion of fear and PEOPLE bring about these types on themselves. The thoughts you pay attention to go a very long way in determine the emotions you feel, You subconscious and your conscious are so intertwined that you cannot necessarily separate one from the other.

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  • Ifedolapo says:

    Really nice…I can totally relate 2 dis.

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  • Peter stump says:

    Oh and please Passion should never ever be confused with love and it is not passion that keeps a relationship/marriage going. You can hate someone passionately, you can also be passionately angry or what not. Passion is nothing more than a desire and a desire is internal and it is your responsibilty. If you don't feel enthusiastic about a thing or person, that is entirely your fault. The real question is whether or not you want to be passionate about one person or the other. Its that simple, stop blaming others for what you don't feel.

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  • Anonymous says:

    Honestly, this couldn't have come out any better from anybody else. Why settle and gamble in a life time commitment? I still see no sense in it @all. I'd rather wait than get in and get out….it aint no computer programming!!!

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    • redforx says:

      "…Why settle and gamble in a life time commitment?"

      Right there I understand your point logically. That said, I'm assuming you are sure you'd live for 200 years on earth. And yes, after your WAIT, then he/she comes through and you feel the love. Then some way, somehow, events turn around and your heart is broken. I guess you now what to feel. HATED!

      My point:

      There are conditions we find ourselves in and don't know what or how to feel probably because we haven't faced such or the 'fear' of the risk you are about to take. We can never be too sure of anything in life cos the factors (internal and external) that affects us and the people around are inevitable.

      When I feel the Love in a relationship, I give it a shot. Not wait till I'm a 100% sure or till I feel 'the time is right'.

      Of course, I'd have my expectations of my partner. 6 out of 10 isn't a poor ranking. People change when you influence them right. If she's as odd as Lady Gaga, we'll have to find a balance.

      ***We get older in life not younger. If you find your Love by the time you're 60, well, enjoy an uncomfortable menopause-disturbing sex life.

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  • tosin says:

    Tunji has become a spare tyre which is unfortunate. However he needs to fully understand the kinda girl he's going after else the relationship will hit the rocks faster than a racing Bugatti.

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  • mollies says:

    this is really good! U see me in her shoes! nice

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  • ms.Raychelle says:

    Its really easy to be all against settling until you're 31 and everybody is hounding you for marriage..however,I feel that in as much as passion and butterflies in your tummy won't sustain a marriage,they are necessary factors. Problems start when too much premium is placed on them at d expense of other important factors. In all,the key is to know yourself and what works for you,without losing sight of the things that really matter.(Whew!sorry for the epistle!)

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  • Peter Stump says:

    IF you understand the language that your heart speaks and you listen to and communicate with it, you will never use or think of saying things like "settle" or what not. Oh and here's one very universal truth we all need to accept: Our desires and wants are insatiable because there is always something better and someone better and also that Perfection is a myth. Yes you will meet mr makes your knees wobble and he will feel the same about you but I can promise you without a doubt that YOU will still say there is something missing. Your attitude towards a thing or towards life determines how much you get out of that thing. One of the most basic features of Love in any form is acceptance, and YOU must first of all accept and love yourself unconditionally. You can NEVER truly Love a person or feel loved if you do not already love yourself. It's that simple and that basic. Acceptance doesnt mean you ignore a persons flaws, acceptance simply means you understand that they are human just like you and you will do everything you can to empasize their strengths and make them a better version of who they are.

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    • redforx says:

      **bulls eye!

      Have you seen this documentary, "The Secret"?

      You explain much of what fact is which I totally agree with.

      Is there anyway you can bundle your thoughts in a memory chip??

      Some people need to install the shiznit in their system.

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  • OlaWunMi says:

    Nice piece….I wish someone close to me could see this, maybe her idea or concept about 90:10 love ratio in marriage would disappear. I love this :)

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  • ShoWade says:

    Errrrm….

    I just wanna marry an Ethiopian or Eritrean girl with a big booty.

    I will settle for an Ondo girl tho….(with a big booty of course)

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  • Oluseye says:

    From experience, I can tell you that I have a lady I was too innocent and naive to Make-Out with when I was very young.

    I tell her I want her back now not because I really LOVE or need her but because I want to have my own share of the pie. Men have a sense of pride and self worth that makes them feel cheated when they miss out on something they once admired and adored. He gets desperate to satisfy his masculine ego.

    The risk in these thing is that once he gets a MUNCH, BITE and GULP. He can stick with you or abscond

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  • Peter Stump says:

    True love is CREATED, and it can only start within you. Love yourself unconditionally, know who you are, know that you are the sum of all your choices and mistakes. Know what you deserve, Always, Always want what you have. Understand also that Love is given, love will always want to give and add value. Now the choice to whom you want to give your heart or your love to is entirely up to you. So it's not that you do not love tunji or that you cannot love him, it is that you do not want to. Simple as.

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    • Arthur Bizkit says:

      "So it’s not that you do not love Tunji (Emeka or Patrick) or that you cannot love him (Emeka or Patrick) , it is that you do not want to. Simple as."

      It just brings us 2 d crux of yesterdays convo. . . It's all abt Choice, Love i.e

      On point replieS b.t.w

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  • @Miz_Perenpe says:

    Funny how this particular issue has been on my mind for a while. Its indeed an expos`e to my life long emotional battles.

    I loose interest in guys very easily. The so called 'butterfly in my tummy' guys are not an exception. I wish this wasn't the case.

    So like Peter said, the question 'what exactly is love?' Is really important and would help throw more light to where the problem is, hence, help procure a solution.

    I personally believe that Love (no matter what it is) is a choice that has to be made and not a feeling that 'anoints' a person.

    So personally, I have decided that 'settling' and deciding to love someone also come hand in hand.

    I guess for me, I'm just going to settle for someone and choose to love him so that we both can live 'happily ever after'.

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  • tee says:

    please we cant make these life decisions on butterfly in tummy n nonsense passion. i mean there has to be something more serious when making decisions.

    didnt u have butterfly with the 1st bf/gf? or the 2nd or whatever number u are on now.

    we r passionate bout different things/people at different times, so what happens when the passion dies or the butterflies disappear…….

    i feel love is part passion but more of decision on ur part. knowing/deciding u'd love this person through it all. d good, the bad, ugly and beautiful.

    please passion n butterflies dies…… u hardly see someone who has had the same passion for a really long time.

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  • lammide says:

    I totally love this!it makes so much sense.why settle?I know its easier to say wen u're not 30 and still single buh the thing is there is no point getting married and living a miserable life.be honest with yourself and keep the voices out.if its not worth it don't settle for it.

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  • Percy Williams says:

    I think I could have written this…save de-Tales on the last paragraph! :D — it's a big relief to know these are commonplace e-Shoes and feelings lol! IMHO as far as marriage is concerned, Settling is wrong … Why would anyone want to settle till death doth them part? Waiting for death to end the curse… Nah! Better stay single and happy than unfaithful, miserable but married

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  • drpeperempe says:

    Tralala! This topic is dicey! I just think we see too many movies and have made dem subconciously our life expectations! We have become trapped in the unrealistic!

    Love is in patience! And that means love grows! Its not instant. There's the attraction which makes u want to know more about someone be it more physical,intellectual or emotional knowledge! The desire to progress after knowing this person and their mistakes is what I call love.

    Love is measured more by his acceptance of me as a woman and mine of him. This acceptance is what makes us believe we can build a life together as a formidable team!

    Love isn't in his loins and how he gives it to me so bad I wanna sing the hallelujah chorus! That's a fuck ! Love isn't just in how willing he is to pay my bills! Its so much more!

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  • deee says:

    Well said. I share your sentiments. That last paragraph left a bad taste in my mouth sha. Me I don't know about that one.

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  • enny says:

    My mum is of the school of thought that states that its safer to marry a man that loves you more than you love me, but personally, I'm of the opinion that we can learn to love WHAT IS GOOD FOR US over time. I'm dating a guy now n we r both in love but in reality, he aint no good for me due to some certain facts that can't be disclosed (lol)…my point is this, love is complicated, just make sure u make decisions you won't regret later in life all in the name of LOVE

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  • honey_wealth says:

    OMG this is so close to home. I'm not a sucker for love nor very emotional but I made this same decision like a month ago. Love is just an ingredient of a good relationship and is not a requirement for it to work but its a huge gamble to live without love. it may or may not develop in the relationship. I wasn't willing to take that risk and frankly I'm not sure anyone should especially if you are young.

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  • bykerboi says:

    funny i have been in tunji's position before. And we can use his predicament to give an answer to lola

    let us look at it from this angle

    Tunji has been holding on for 8 years for the one he "loves" or "the one that gives him butterflies". But can we say Lola is the best person for him? Let us keep in mind that he must have come across several other girls in that 8 year period. many of which would have been better than lola and better for him if only he opened his eyes to see rather than be blinded by his emotions.

    I am sure if you ask him, what are the things he loves about lola he wouldn't be able to give any tangible reason except probably say his heart "loves" her. Also if you ask Lola why she doesn't feel he is the one, she would probably give you a list of superficial things that he is not or doesnt have. They are both chasing the same thing i.e "butterflies in the stomach" however, sadly in different directions.

    i don't believe you can base a successful marriage of a lifetime on emotions which we often wrongly interpret as love. Otherwise most of us would have been successfully married by now based on what we have felt in the past.

    Someone once said, "we mature but our emotions don't. If they are left unchecked, our lives will be a series of unfinished and disappointing ventures".

    if you ask me, I'd rather go for someone who could lay down her life for me (if need be) and stick with me through thick and thin than go for one who i feel mushy about but wouldn't do the same.

    (sorry for my epistle)

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    • Peter Stump says:

      Well said bykerboi, there is also a possibility that Tunji does know why he wants to be with Lola, going by the story, 8 years is a long time for an "emotion" to have lasted. He probably knows the value and potential of what they might have together and is just patient enough to try and show her that. But yes, i do agree that he should have carried his focus somewhere else. Maybe he thinks he hasn't given enough yet and when he does, he wants to leave and not regret anything at all.

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  • neeekodamus says:

    *sneaks into room, sits on harmonica* ' nobody has it easy, I still can't believe you, find somborry new, obirin I wish u de best, I guess,' cos everybody knows say, nobody really noes, ow 2 make it work, or ow to ease d urt'……. Tenz!

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  • This actually amused me a whole lot. I won't really comment on whether or not she's right for holding out, but I will say she's wrong for keeping homeboy as her safety net. That really is just cruel.

    I don't believe in placing my own opinions on what love should be, because everyone has a different mix of what will work for them. But well, that really isn't why we're here is it?

    *StrollsOff*

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    • PreyingMantis says:

      Capoeira Panda, homeboy wanted to be kept. He was aware and happy being a safety net. He wasn't compelled, it was his decision, hoping that with time she'll see him as something more and that makes him pathetic.

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  • grey says:

    One of the problems I have with today's love is- 'There is too much myth, madness and folk tale in it. Separating these, is near impossible'…….. Let's all agree, with love, you are never very right or very wrong. She bothers a lot on individuality.

    Everyone is, relatively ignorant

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  • Wye Wye says:

    This conversation is about the all important 'future with somebody' yet I can bet everybody who has an opinion is still many years away from making real long term relationship decisions.

    What the hell does a 20 to 25 year old really know about the decision to selecting a life partner.

    Bla bla bla bla is always a cool story…….

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  • the_veteran says:

    In this situation, honestly trying to make it work sucks, any atom of love shown is out of pity.

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  • Audrina says:

    This is what a lot of ladies are facing this days. I don't think any1 should settle. But also know that some great love stories started like this. Mine did. I have been happily married for 3yrs and I am expecting my first child.

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  • Khimmy says:

    The Capoeira Panda; " but I will say she’s wrong for keeping homeboy as her safety net. That really is just cruel." #GBAM

    Let him go… Don't make him ur backup plan. U will regret it. I'm all for love and 'fireworks' BUT then that's me. U may or u may not find what u r looking for but whichever way u decide to roll… PLEASE don't settle.

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  • 'Dania says:

    A friend of mine sent me a bbm this morning asking if I "wrote today's naked convos post?" I hadn't even read the post at the time so obviously I said no.

    But now I have to ask myself, Dania did you write this post?

    I let go of my own Tunji (that's even his real name!) A year ago. It was scary but easily one of the best decisions of my life. I have no regrets. None whatsoever. Recently, I had to choose between another 'Tunji' type fellow and a 'butterfly inducing' hot male wrapped in white chocolatey goodness. Your guess is as good as mine.

    Life is too short to settle. You have to live.

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  • Dazzle says:

    Tra la la la la settling is like the worst idea ever, I don't think you'll ever be truly happy even if all seems well there'll still be that bitterness in your heart.

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  • PreyingMantis says:

    What is wrong with settling? Absolutely nothing.

    Is the man/woman who went for butterflies better than the man/woman who settled? The 'Butterflies' you dream about isn't love, it could be termed as an attraction. It's either he or she is good to look at, etc. Just like looking at candy and wanting it. Are the 'settlers' responsible for the rate of divorce in the world today? On the contrary, those who go headlong with their lousy, fickle butterflies are responsible. Weren't they madly in love? A man/woman who settled could have it better than a man/woman who went for butterflies and vice versa. It is neither here nor there.

    Bottomline: I'm sick and tired of this topic in its various forms. Get married, make it work or be alone. It's that simple.

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  • jAyajade says:

    my only issue with settling is this: just make sure he/she's not totally in love with you while you're just, for lack of a better word 'bleh' towards them. its fine if you both agree its a marriage of convenience and both parties are sure of what their heading into…. I think that when the 'lover' in this situation eventually realises that there's no feedback, there may be dire consequences and the 'perfect,content marriage' you thought you had will unravel…..

    I do want to get married, have kids and all that jazz… just not at the expense of my happiness….not asking for bolts of lightning coursing through my veins just requited love :D

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  • Oluseye says:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3u2_GQlwxbI

    If He loves you:

    Michael Bolton said it ALL!

    Sometimes relationships get better with time.

    I met a lady in 2K8 with plans of making her a fling.

    I got hooked! We fell in Love. We dated for 24 months…

    She was supportive and teachable

    We had marriage plans but We had to break-up due to genotype issues.

    We explored several ways to salvage the relationship:

    – Prayers

    – Adoption

    – Amniotic Fluid (Abortion)

    We had to let go but I can assure, I was in LOVE which I hate to admit.

    Madam, Do not be selfish.

    You can make it work and I assure you, it can be the best thing you ever had.

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  • Tori says:

    I totally agree with Toolsman's reply to Peter.

    Peter makes it sound so "text-booky"

    Love cannot be defined based on scientifical terms.

    Love cannot even be defined.

    If we had control over it, why do we act like fools most times when we're in love? Would anyone willingly be a fool?

    I think she is wrong to keep the guy as a safety net, the guy deserves better than that.

    I can't settle. If I do I would be miserable.

    I have tried settling once, it didn't last past 3mths.

    I tried love + friendship too, but love is never enough, and at the end I decided that I deserved better.

    I know what I want.

    Different strokes for different people, find what works for you and stick to it.

    You can't learn these things from books.

    But personally, I can't settle. I'll rather be single.

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  • annie says:

    I feel the need to point this out since everyone so far has failed to see it. 'selfish' Lola (as everyone is referring to her), ended her story with this –

    "…So now our conversation will have a different ending. Instead of me coming up with different excuses about why it’s not the right time and making him jump through hoops, I’ll tell him to give up on memories of a fairytale relationship that ended eight years ago."

    I think that is self explanatory but seeing as everyone read it & still decided she was selfish can I just point out that she'd clearly decided to cut Tunji loose by the time she finished relating her story to us.

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  • Arthur Bizkit says:

    The Smiths – I know it's Over song, just does it for me.

    "Sad veiled bride, please be happy

    handsome groom, give her room

    loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly

    although she needs you more than she loves you

    And I know it's over still I cling

    I don't know where else I can go"

    in other words, Don't give up your 'M'.

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  • 0laToxic says:

    I totally endorse this post.

    I've been Tunji recently except I believe in taking stock and having an objective view to things. Once I was assured it was my 'Tunjiness' that stood in the way of what only I believed would be a beautiful thing, I happily relegated myself into the friend zone… because I've also 'Tunjied' other girls before and I could totally relate with the honesty and integrity of the girl(s) that were 'Tunjing' me.

    Someday… soon… I'll be with someone who I want to be with as much as she wants to be with me and we'll be happy to work together at maintaining the happiness we have together.

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  • @s_Hotzs says:

    First of guys quit being myopic and read the last paragraph again, she let the dude go, why settle for less when you can have more with the right amount of patience.

    Tunji wants to show her unexpressed love…..issorai but the danger of this is it turns to hate faster than usain bolt does the 100 meter if the love is not requited. And this is all Tunji will get if she settles cos the truth is "she is not that into him"

    About that 90/10 bullshit….that is just selfish, this type of business proposal hardly sees the light of the day…..come on! You want everything for nothing. We (I) know men can be jack asses but why hoard the love, 70/30 60/40 however you want it but reciprocate the love.

    Speaking from personal experience, love is a series of WILLINFUL uncontrolled occurances in that for every decision we make there is choice number 2 we fail to see cos our judgement is clouded.

    *get ur jacket* cool story alert….presently I am in a 90/10 relationship and I know I am being Tunjied but I choose to play along…..bidding my time I tell myself but the truth is I am secrectly hoping things change, my max time for playing tunji is 360 days, so far I have gone 180 . The thing with this kind of relationship with unrequited love is hw much you resent the person afterwards.

    PS: madam 10 % I am not a Maga, it is a " all you can eat buffet" so feast now cos ur time is almost up.

    EOF * sips zobo*

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  • Ekene says:

    The heart wants what the heart wants.

    Its an amazing thing to be loved, but even just as important, or even more important, is for us to love. I have been lucky and blessed to have wonderful wonderful people in my life. To be honest, I don't think its impossible/a rare feat for anybody to love me, so if you do, that's just very nice, thank you. I appreciate it. But if anything's going to really work between us, I have to love you too. I have to want to be with you. Not because of anything, just because.

    That's not something I think I could/should learn to do.

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  • Once I was assured it was my ‘Tunjiness’ that stood in the way of what only I believed would be a beautiful thing, I happily relegated myself into the friend zone…

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  • Sharon says:

    I know the easily-bored feeling, i've lived with it for most of my life, and yes, i'm also a closet romantic, guys who like me whose feelings i don't reciprocate always strike me as 'simpering idiots', blunt, but true. if you don't like him much and 8 years and counting hasn't changed that, don't even bother. it doesn't matter what he does, you'll end up hating him….. so, do what your heart tells you, cause in the end, you are the one that will have to live with him for the rest of your life….

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  • Tunji's Friend says:

    Lola, e woyi laaro re. After 8 yrs of making my friend have hopes where there was none?

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  • Toyosi says:

    Lola (the character) jst defined me in person & character. Just like her, i find more comfort in entertaining myself than pretending to be happy with a boring person………….I believe every grown female has had ϑat one special person & on some occasion, we dwell on what could have been and for some what could still be when the chance reflects itself…..for me, ϑ chance has reflect itself but there's one thing holding me back from getting my love back, being a STEP-MOM AT 26 TO HIS 5YR OLD DAUGHTER….. So I see nothing wrong with having a back-up man, as long as you both like each other, respect one another and make yourselves happy, then all is fair…… This days, people who search 4 a lasting relationship ϑΦñ't really focus on love but on respect, honesty & trust and if they are lucky, love grows on them………..Every one wants a fairy tale love life but we tend to forget that "Not every fairy tale story has a happy ending" .

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  • Love is never enough but its the most important requirement for happiness in a relationship. If you're settling, you just leave yourself (very) open to the idea of cheating. A back up plan on the other hand isn't always bad. Security is sometimes a very logical factor to consider.

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  • I think you should say yes to ex-frnd and i am sure he loves you from his heart and he will never heart you..

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