Where Are All The Reasonable Single Men In Nigeria?

I read this post Efe put up a while ago where some chic basically wrote about how she needs a boyfriend and then the ladies took over the comment section sharing their boyfriend search stories. I made a mental note to take a shot at helping the ladies out (sorry guys, seems I’m doing a…

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I read this post Efe put up a while ago where some chic basically wrote about how she needs a boyfriend and then the ladies took over the comment section sharing their boyfriend search stories. I made a mental note to take a shot at helping the ladies out (sorry guys, seems I’m doing a lot of this nowadays) and I said taking a shot because like I always say, the women almost always never listen to us. Anyways lets get into it.

I really really really really (not enough really’s in the world) get miffed whenever I hear women (especially black women – as it often is) ask that question – where are all the single men? Or when they bitch and moan about how they are good looking and all, yet the single guys just don’t look their way and whenever they do, they just want a piece of their ass and nothing more.

I’m not even going to go too deep into this today because this is another topic I have written about quite a lot but today, I’m going to look at it from another angle. I’m not going to start psychoanalyzing every young woman who claims to be in this situation because more often than not, most of y’all are quite similar in characteristics, routines and what not.

Let’s try to sum it up this way – young-ish (25+), average to good looking, decent job, looking for a relationship with prospects of marriage.

Am I right or am I right?

After many years of blogging and interacting with a lot of female friends and family members, I have come to some conclusions which I will share with y’all today:

Let me take you back to science class in secondary school:

Newton’s first law states that every object will remain at rest or in uniform motion in a straight line unless compelled to change its state by the action of an external force.

Do I even need to explain this? I know you have heard it before and you probably rolled your eyes when you read it again just now but let me take a second to break this down. So everyone has told you to try something new, so you decided to pick up the FitFam fad and started jogging on the Ikoyi Magic bridge every morning, you did this for a month and all you picked up were washed up pot bellied old men looking for a piece of ass – and then you gave up – back to your old routine.

Or maybe you decided to join the work force in church, the choir maybe but instead of catching the eye of that hot single brother who keeps giving testimonies about winning one contract or the other, it’s Brother Joseph the usher who keeps knocking on your door.

Let’s be serious please.

It’s not considered something new if it doesn’t exactly take you out of your “comfort zone”. You’ve been attending the same church for years so how does joining the choir suddenly change anything? Have you considered a completely different hobby like fishing? Yes, it’s a hobby and it has a decent following in this same Lagos of ours, all you have to do is ask around.

If fitfam is your choice, why leave it at jogging on the magic bridge – look into capoeira or even taekwondo. The logic behind this is not that you will meet the man of your dreams while doing these things – no, not likely because these things are super niche and very few people participate in them. But doing something completely new helps to discover hidden parts of yourself – before you know it, you start tweeting about Taekwando moves and some dude who never ever imagined you’d be that open minded will suddenly see you in a new light and take interest.

Miss 3 looking for Mr 9.

I wrote an entire post about this a long time ago. There’s even a Yoruba proverb about how many young women have mistaken their future husbands as houseboys or something like that. Can we be real with ourselves please? You can’t be a potbellied, h-factor spewing chic with a yellow to black colour gradient skin and you’ll be there waiting for a Lance Gross type of specimen to ask you out. Miracles happen yeah, after all Jennifer Garner snagged Ben Affleck, Seal got Heidi and that other not so hot Nigerian female celeb got hitched to that very good looking Nigerian actor. But Hollywood and Nollywood don’t count.

Except you and aunty Linda have the same Dibia, my dear sister, it is time to cut your guipure according to your danshiki. And this is not me asking you to settle because this is what most chics do at the end of the day. Take another good look at brother Joseph the usher, hear him out, what does he do, where is he going in the next few months, you’ll be totally surprised just how much you guys have in common. As long as you have your realistic dealbreakers and he manages to scale them all, why not give him a shot?

Work IT!

With every passing day, the term trophy-wife gets closer to being erased from our dictionary. I mean, with the way the world is going, I doubt very much that even Aliko would not appreciate a wife like Michelle. No, she might not exactly have to work in that sense of 9-5 but I want to be able to brag about other things besides size of boobs, ass and bed room skills of my chic to friends. We are not asking you to be the next Hilary Clinton here – me sef, I still dey try but a lot of us (guys inclusive) are very fickle and myopic in our thinking nowadays. A banging avatar will get you a one night stand and loads of inappropriate DMs but wit, intellect and a wide scope of knowledge will certainly get you more. A chic who can contribute to a football discussion as well as politics and fashion will feel very comfortable in many settings. You are not doing it for him, you are doing it for you.

Now, this is another thing to be careful about. Having all the wit and carrying it around like Lady Gaga and her egg will do you more harm than good. Context and balance is key to everything in life.

I wanted to touch on single chics who seem to attract only married guys but I’ll have to save that for later. For now, I want to read your thoughts on all I’ve said and if you have unique stories, please use the comment box to share.

Responses

  1. Gracey
    Hmmmm, I agree with you. If we keep ‘chilling’ in our comfort zones things wont up and change themselves, So I have decided to pick up a new hobby ‘stalking that darn fine brother who lives down my street’. I also intend to start cart wheeling down the road so he sees how athletic I am. I also plan to join my church choir, no no I’ll join the ushers. That way I’m seen more. hmm what else….OOh yes! I also intend to start wearing more knee length skirts and dresses in case that brother has been holding back cos he thinks I have tubers of yams as legs hehehe. I’m kidding yall ….or am I??

    Epiphany29.com

    1. Anonymous Aboki
      Haha, this sort of comment is part of the reasons why the single guys can’t be found. How do you show availability, & then say psyche in the next heartbeat?
    1. Anonymous Aboki
      You just leave ma’na..then check out Emmanuel’s comment just below..just in case you’re sceptical, I’ve met some amazing people on here; in fact, just last Sunday, at around 9:50am, Sirkastiq was buying fuel, and frowning, at the Oando in my ‘hood, lol..
      Hey Saka, nice car!
  2. Alaaagba
    Well read. Not getting the right one is subjected to all you wrote BUT theres one factor you seems to skip-PRAYER> I know not all believes in religion but we all know theres a supreme being up there and what he does with ur consent is guide towards the right one. Of course,heaven helps those who “WILL” help themselves but HE,God is the ATOM that makes up the ELEMENT on which ur love REACTION is built on,for u as the REACTANT to attain ur desired EQUILIBRIUM. dunno if all i said made sense!

    All i know is that you can pick all the new hobbies in the world,infact,you can choose to snow-ride in Lagos hot sun(doesn’t make sense LOL) BUT what if you are fishing while you are destined to find your love playing chess,or how do you jam the right one fighting judo when hes destined to be at the swimming pool,having his own hobby. You might wanna say,God will direct him to you whichever hobby you picked hun……I don’t wanna sound likka preacher but y’all know PRAYER IS IMPORTANT. Don’t just pick a new hobby,pray for the right one that will lead you to the right one. AMEN SISTERS!

  3. Sky
    We’re in a sex crazed generation where a lot of guys aren’t into forming meaningful relationships. Meet a guy today and tomorrow he’s already asking you to come to his house to “chill”. I don’t even blame the guys, I blame the girls too that have made it normal, and make you seem weird for not being cool with it.
      1. Sharon
        Because when you actually go with only the intention of chilling, they hit you with the “don’t you know what chill means? Cammon”. I’ve been there. Which is why you have yo spell out in very explicit terms what chill means or doesn’t mean before I’ll wear my best hoodie and socks for nothing
      2. Sky
        See ehn, this thing is tricky. You can show up at his house now and he will be asking you what you expected. Kinda like “Netflix and Chill” riiiight.
    1. Steavihn-Uzochukwu
      But what if omo boy lives in a house the size of Eko hotel?
      You no go come chill?
      It’s not always about the sex when you come through. Maybe I don’t like to go out or can’t afford to go out?
    2. Sheri berri
      I always looked at the “chill” intention as a bad one! This guy met me and asked me to “chill” the next day and we would go on a date later that weekend. So i asked why we could not do the date first? He mentioned his car being bad… So I ended up at his to “chill”, believe you me, I sat on the sofa he sat on his bed and we spoke for hours, looking me face to face, after we were done, he dropped me home with his brothers car. Not even a kiss. Sometimes “chill” can be innocent o.

      I said “sometimes” ooooo.

  4. Nee
    I think there should be a kind of singles mixer on TNC since most of the population seem to be forever alone. Plus we have the added advantage of already knowing that most of us are open minded and ‘reasonable’ individuals, so I reckon we would click, no?
      1. BlackPearl
        Not the one you do in Lagos only in December. I mean something online for the TNC people everywhere to be able to connect! I think it would be a great idea!!! 🙂
  5. Dr. Ba'Ruu
    …Except you and aunty Linda have the same Dibia….

    Hahahahahaha…Laughing so tey I hit head for Agatha bum bum

    On a more serious note, a thousand likes for this post. Like I always tell ladies (and guys too), let your heart guide you in all the decisions you make. Living in a world of fantasy should be left for Charlie and the chocolate factory. In the real world, people should learn to make REALISTIC choices.

  6. Nosa
    One question; what is wrong with Brother Joseph? Is he not good enough? Eh? Reminds me of a meme I have, where a lady was talking to Jesus that she needs a man and Jesus replied “I sent one to you but you keep telling him he is just a friend”
    But there is a reason it’s called comfort zone sha.

    But i have to ask, where are the single ladies sef? It’s like every girl is in a relationship or some idea of a relationship. I really do not want my picture to be used as a meme for Shiloh 2030.

    1. Sharon
      A lot of times, Brother Joseph, to put it simply, is not your spec. Not tall enough, not interesting enough, he might have a tendency to simper around you, he might dress horribly or just look boring. That’s what’s wrong with Brother Joseph. Ladies are a little like men too. We want to like what we see. It might not be a deal breaker, but come on. Where’s your glo up?
  7. blaqlotus
    I read somewhere that most women limit themselves from finding their soulmate because of the “MY TYPE” niche they have created for themselves. I wouldn’t lie, i was one of them, until i left that make believe world of what my type was. Now i’m with the most amazing person who in my wildest dream, i wouldn’t have dated before now.
      1. blaqlotus
        Have you ever thought about why you like what you like? Explore, there might be something you might like other than what you’ve been used to.
  8. A
    I don’t think this post was enlightening. You didn’t say anything that hasn’t been said before. The people that found their SO without leaving their comfort zone nko? Abeg!
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      I did mention somewhere in the intro that all I was about to say has been said before and some will even roll their eyes when they read the points again. As for those who didn’t leave their comfort zone, you can put it down to luck, exception, God or whatever you want to, doesn’t change the fact that there are also thousands of examples of those who did and found love.
  9. Katniss
    LOL!!! I really can’t complain about being single cos I’m not putting myself out there(whatever that means) But it’s incredibly frustrating and annoying when you’re just doing you and not looking to be chyked and it’s some ‘nwanna’ and ‘u get?’ bro all up in your face,talking love and whatnot. Like wth??
  10. Sharon
    Haha. I read the first advice linked to the law and I went “hmmm” like I was in church. Sound advice. I’m not at the age or stage where this bothers me (I don’t think I ever will be, tbh), but it’s good to learn these things beforehand, preemptive strikes and whatnot. To the single Pringles, the lord is your muscle, bone and sinew.

    Shalom.

  11. JAL
    Coughs…not sure if this is the right place for this comment but I think TNC is for open minded people so here goes…what about guys and ladies who are interested in Ashley Madison kinda stuff? Open minded cheating, no strings attached, with utmost confidentiality? I know a couple of ladies who are in relationships and are looking for this. And I know a ton of guys in relationships who are interested in this. Just curious though on your thoughts concerning this.
  12. Vanilla
    These men are out there! My mum used to stay even if u lock yourself at home, you will meet the man when you are supposed to meet him, just that it may be the mailman or garbage collector, LOL! Want an oil.gas person? Relocate to bonny (-__-)…..Hermit? go out more and so on…….seriously tho, you cannot be doing the same thing over and over again and expect a different result so change your style!

    Luckily for me, i did not have to go out of my comfort zone per se to meet him, just a regular flight from Abuja to lag and I met the most amazing man to date.

  13. D.K
    This is a totally unrelated rant but I’m just a bit upset.

    This cute colleague of mine specifically told me he wasn’t in any relationship a few months ago but yesterday we were gisting and he asked me if he needed to propose to his girlfriend of 5 years…
    A few hours ago I heard another guy that wouldn’t let me breathe proposed to his girlfriend of 5 years.
    Note: These two men want a ‘serious’ relationship with me-in their words.

    What is the problem with some men ehn? Why can’t you just stick to your relationship? Why are you bent on making me your side chic?

    1. Vanilla
      Too bad wat the guys were trying to do/did to you, good radiance! Pls know now that you have to be careful & take any approach from a guy slow & steady and be 100% sure he means well before u commit. If u notice he is trying to keep his rship with u too low-key, its a red flag, a guy that is into you will be pretty much happy to atleast show u off to pple that matter in his life.

      Good luck next time!

  14. Wura
    So Jal…

    People are here looking for love, solid relationship etc…

    and you want to come and solicit for people who want to do ‘open minded cheating’…
    ‘open minded cheating’….
    Cheating on your partner with no strings attached…? Yes?

  15. Chinedov
    Hahahahahaha.

    Really funny how there are this many single ladies out there and y’all still playing hard to get when a nigga tries to hook up.

    1. hrh7
      The “hook up approach is exactly the problem. This is a post about relationships so I’ll declare- I’m single and NOT searching but my friends and I have accumulated a trove of horror stories about the “hookup/toasting” process. You can view them here- http://inbetweenpeople.wordpress.com/2014/11/17/toasting-responsibly-101-rant/ and here- http://insearchofperfecthair.wordpress.com/2014/11/26/dont-call-me-sister-a-k-a-toasting-responsibly-102/.
      I believe(d) in second chances. In giving pretty much everyone a chance to show what they’re made of. As a result, I now have about 7 Truecaller notifications every other day and I never pick up calls from hidden numbers.
      It’s crazy difficult for the people who actually are receptive to people’s hookup “invitations” to remain so after they’ve been burned and drowned multiple times.
      So before you judge, please walk up to a girl, give her a compliment or walk away with hr phone number without calling her 10 times afterwards to ask for sex or for her to send you nudes.
  16. Aaron
    Like my friend said,being single is fun,but being single and refusing to mingle is unfair… Nice write up bro! We are always busy looking for Mr.Right,if you cant find him,abeg drag Mr.left to Right…. We always look down on guys ni and some guys get sweet mouth die. We are really selective,but to me o,God is the only one who can help us out.
  17. @Nguffyo
    Interesting piece, not unlike what I’ve heard many times over. Hmmmmmm… but seriously most single guys these days don’t want to commit.
  18. Omali
    Mingling doesn’t always work. Sometimes it about being in the right place at the right time. Or even knowing the right people. I was at the laundromat washing and dancing as if I was the only person there. Unknown to me in walks a guy who notices me and started recording me. When I noticed, and realized that I could not deny it, I gave him my information. Just so that I can make sure he doesn’t post the video on social media as he promised. We ended up talking and becoming real close. That life for u, despite the above advice it is not always foolproof. Everything is a game of chance, so while at it be enthusiastic and brave. U never know who is watching!
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      You’re spot on. Nothing really is foolproof, just points that can be helpful.. It would be interesting to know in the scenario you gave above if dancing while doing your laundry is something you do often or that particular day was just an exception?
  19. Meh86
    One is entirely dunzo with dating. I can’t even hate on the guys anymore. It’s not you oh, it’s definitely me. And it’s alright !
  20. Meh86
    I should probably clarify… I just can’t seem to pick available (physically/ emotionally) guys so, till I unlearn these bad habits, no point stressing.
  21. Seyi
    Tah. This is not a case of new hobbies jere. I swim, I was into taekwando until other activities came up, I was in a dance group, I was in a photographic club. I could talk on different topics and know my gadgets small sef. Guys say I am intelligent, intriguing and such but that’s it. They stick around until they see that you are not putting out and they leave. 4 months max. Some come and and repeat the process. One stuck around so tey he finally asked me out (he wanted it without the label before) saw that it still didn’t change he left. Didn’t even bother saying it is over. Some are only after sex, I met one recently and within 4 days of meeting me he brought his mouth and more, asked me out on bbm sef! Saw it was not working he left to pick up with the girl he always told me was just a friend o. Like him most of the young guys are in a relationship but some lie about it until you hear them grudgingly tell a girl ‘tfdfgt you’. Some say it straight and act as if before picking the call they were not just chyking you professing undying love. I ask a friend to hook me know and I’ll start hearing he is in a relationship, that has a girlfriend, he is serious with her and such. Where are the unattached ones? Even on social media they all have boos and baes. Na all these touts, babas, bike and cab men that talk to you. You are in a bus with a fine guy, what he does is just to stare or steal furtive glances o tan das all. But old people will stare, smile and walk up to you. In this poly that I am serving ehn the old men know my complete names to my surprise. They see me and start smiling. Even in town, old married people just seem to like me on sight. Maybe I need to wash my head. Then some invite you over only for smooching and/or sex. A guy we went to the same primary and secondary schools, we were even close friends in primary. I saw him in my sister’s neighbourhood and found out he just moved there. We exchanged contacts, started talking, I new there was a girl in his life and it was just normal friendly talk. I went to visit my sister and he asked me to come visit. He stays down the street and I went. Due to our normal relationship, no chyking and such, I wasn’t expecting anything along that line. I was my usual funny sef, clowning around and making him laugh. Only for him to come bodily lift me where I was standing near the door and throw me on the bed. He started running his hands all over and tried kissing me! I fought him and he let up saying he won’t rape me. He started blaming me and asked why I came and that I should be mature and stop forming prude. I left in one piece sha and that was the end of that friendship. I might have been raped that day and I’ve heard stories now ehn of seemingly harmless chill that almost got wrong. They’ll tell you to be mature about it as if maturity means be stupid. And most times they are even in a relationship o. I even met a badoo who toasted me, two other girls that I know, dating one girl and claiming they are just friends with another girl friend in another state!
  22. Nosa
    Mehn, see single ladies everywhere blaming guys. I should make it my mission to find and kill these guys. They keep spoiling the market for us, the few good men. I can’t even meet a lady these days without there being one guy who has taught her a lesson.
    1. Seyi
      The past is there to teach us asides that it is irrelevant, the present and future are the ones that matters. Once the final right guy comes the tune will change, he will be all that matters
  23. Atoke
    Please do write on why its only married men that are attracted to me. I will really like to know. Trust me, it is absolutely annoying and worrisome.
  24. Ayobola
    Made me laff in staccato bursts alot. Glad i was alone. Now, i cant wait until you write ‘single gals that attract married men’! Cant wait!
    *thumbsUp

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