The first time I listened to John Legend’s ‘All of Me’, I wept like a baby. Fresh out of a heart-wrenching break-up, I couldn’t understand how anyone could love another so much that the whole world could tell just by listening to one song. I wanted to kill Chrissy Teigen, not only had she stolen the love of my greatest celebrity crush, she also had a love I wanted so much. Little did I know the universe was waiting for me to grow a few years and learn a lot of lessons before throwing its best gift for me into my life.
I remember the day we met. The bored look you gave me when Yewande introduced ‘her friend who saw your picture and asked about you’ challenged me to show you how interesting a person I was; an oddity because I’m used to being the bored one. A few sentences later, your face started to light up and I knew I wanted to keep seeing that cute smile I had seen in Yewande’s iPad gallery. A few weeks later, I knew I wanted to eternally be the reason for that smile. Almost two years later, and the feeling never gets old.
Every day, you show me a new meaning to this love thing, you have made me understand that love has no definition, Words fail me when I try to describe how you make me feel. I feel so secure in your love that I don’t even need to hear you say the words ‘I love you’. I feel it when you hold my hands randomly while driving or talking to people. I feel it every time you press the dorsum of my hand to your lips and make me smile. I feel it every time you say we will be fine when life brings along its lows. I feel it every time you stoop to buckle my shoes even without me asking, I feel it every time you make the long trip down to mine just to see my face. I feel it in every sacrifice you make for us. I feel it every time you give me a surprise even when I know surprises are not your thing. I feel it every time your eyes meet mine across a crowded room and ask if I’m okay without saying a word. I feel it every time you make a correction after I complain about something you do. I feel it every time you extend an olive branch during quarrels, even if I’m the one who is wrong. I feel it every time you retweet all my tweets when we have a face off, just so I can notice you (you still won’t admit this). I feel it every time I remember I have never had love this good.
You are my happy place, cure to my sadness, boredom, loneliness and the fear that comes with the uncertainty of the future. I wish you could always see how I need you to help me get through, to tell me that my fears are needless and being fine is just moments away, to hold hands and pray with me. Some nights I just want to curl up and cry and I start to wish you were there to cry with me. Then you are eventually with me and I forget all the worries that make me cry. It’s funny but I believe everything will be alright just because you say so. Your smile lights up my world and your deep throttle of laughter springs mine up.
Every time I think about our impending nuptials in two weeks, I am awed at how amazing the journey has been. I laughed so much the day you asked me to marry you, your soft voice welcoming me from the depths of sleep, the realisation that you had been awake before dawn, silently watching me sleep; my slow comprehension and the wave of joy I felt after you muttered ‘Bidemi, marry me please’. I screamed yes and jumped out of bed to see you didn’t even have a ring because you hadn’t planned for it to happen. You did get me a ring the next day though, just the proposal and ring I wanted. You know me so well, J.
I used to wonder what good I did to deserve you but I have stopped asking because you made me believe the illusion that I was good enough to deserve the best things in the world. But I know I’m not good enough, I’m not good at all. In fact, I’m the worst of them all. I can’t go ahead with the wedding, J. I have not been totally honest with you. I’m sorry it has taken me this long to come out but I can’t let you tie your life to mine based on a lie.
Our genotypes are not compatible, I am AS too. You wanted to avoid dating someone with the same genotype as you so much, especially since your twin siblings died due to complications of being SS and your parents couldn’t beat that to stay together, that I had to lie to keep us together because I couldn’t imagine my life without you. I know how much you hate the ignorance some people display while trying to shun the importance of genotypes in their relationships, I also know how much you want kids with me and I don’t want to bring any to this world with so much at stake, I can’t let you and them suffer like that.
I’m sorry I have brought this on you. It’s no excuse but every time I tried to tell you the truth, something else came up that made me shut up. I can’t even ask for your forgiveness or for you not to hate me and I will understand if you do. I wrote you this letter because I want you to find out the truth from me rather than the blood tests your family doctor conducted. I also sent messages to explain to our parents why I called off the wedding, I hope that saves you the shame of being asked what happened.
I know you will come look for me but please, don’t bother, just as I told our parents, by the time you are reading this letter, I would be on my way out of the country to start afresh and won’t be back for a very long time. Nobody knows where I’m headed to. No one but me; you will never have to see me again. There are so many things I want to say but I’ve done enough to hurt you. I will always love you, J. I can’t apologise enough for this pain I’m causing you but I pray with all my might that you find the right love and happiness that you deserve above anything else. I’m sorry I can’t be that woman for you.
Please, don’t let this stop you from finding happiness. That’s the only way I can forgive myself for this.