ROUND5: 2017 In Review – Local/International News

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Join the ‘award winning’ ROUND5 team as they summarise 2017 in local and international news headlines.

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Welcome, fam.

Today we bring you the year 2017 in Local and International news.

Well, we’ll try to.

Considering now that one of us is constantly hungover, and the other is…

Well, married.

Ugh, are you gonna rub that in my face every time?

Until you’re one of us, you can’t sit.

Ah ahh, but I’m humble.

Terrible joke.

You just mad cos I thought of it first..

Can we begin????

***

In Nigeria…

The year started with Buhari going on leave…

We thought he was just going to jet out and jet back.

Little did we know…

Unbeknown to us, mans was about to rack up on all his outstanding leave days.

You know, the ones he didn’t take when you people failed to elect him as president.

All this while.

We talking since…like the 80s.

It was a cold one hundred and something days.

Left the FG wondering what to do with all that power.

That’s why they started interfering with the church and saying anyone who has been in power for 20 years or more should step down.

Bumblebee was like “lolwut??”

Like an empty perfume bottle…the thing actually made no sense.

But what made even less sense was how we saw $9,772,800 and £74,000 on that episode of MTV Cribs: Kaduna Edition, when they went to Andrew Yakubu’s safe house.

One of many.

Are you talking about the safehouse, or the corrupt individual?

Both.

Remember how that man came back and it was all.

This was the year of the whistle. Fam, depending on how accurate you blew, you could make as much as 400 million Naira.

And then start a new life outside these shores.

2017 had mans carrying whistles everywhere. Howard Webb like “wtf???”

You had niggas looking at every building with scrutiny cos that might just be their big break.

We haven’t blown yet sha.

But Insha Allah.

There was also that time they arrested Audu and the internet stood up and demanded an explanation.

LMAO! Nah, we really didn’t take nonsense from our leaders this year online.

You just can’t arrest the Chocolate City big man like that with no explanations.

Even if you explain, we no gree.

Audu was eventually released and sued his arresters.

Still not sure how that has turned out yet.

While Buhari was using style to check his colon in the abroad, Tinubu, Atiku and co were busy using style to tell us that they’re interested in running the country.

LMAO! Nah thanks bruh.

With the elections around the corner, we know we are going to see the same faces again.

I mean the miniscule physician had told us via song “If you lack funds, show not thine face”.

So clearly, it’s those that ‘hold pieces’ that are gonna be plastered around our streets. Sad shit.

Nna corruption cases were at an all time high this year. From DasukiGate, to Tompolo, to Diezy’s singing ass, to Saraki…

Buhari said he was gonna fight qwarrapshen but remember that Metuh case?

Had us all like “selah”.

We have no confidence in this man going into the new year. Change 2019 please.

Careful how you use that word, bro.

 

 

***

Right.. and in international news, the world watched as racist white Americans put an orange coloured dude in the white house.

And Obama really walked away from the WH, and went on vacation like the world wasn’t going to absolute shit.

Phrases such as “Fake news” and “covfefe” became famous for no reason.

Sad for the entire world to be led by an infant with no self-control or twitter ethics.

We can’t begin to bring you excerpts of his tweets.

Just look out for the next one – it’ll tell the entire story.

2017 brought us to our knees in more ways than one.

Thanks to Kaepernick and all them people who “took a knee” or refused to.

One thing for sure, it made Donald Trump mad, and that’s a good thing.

We are here for anything that makes him turn red.

Especially that fine ass news reporter that puts mad selfies for the haters.

We love you boo. We’re your biggest fans!!

You go gurl!

News reporters were really in the news this year.

You don’t say…

Shuttup. You know what I mean. Shoutout to Jemele Hill.

While all of that was going on, Yahya Jammeh was trying (not) to step down from power and let Adama Barrow take over.

But democracy won in the end and Africa witnessed the end of yet another dictatorship.

And instead of people to focus on the historic moment at his inauguration… this is what they were talking about.

It was like “oh look! This African leader has more than one wife. What a surprise!!”

“You say he has two??? Dass insane”

It was also this year that Zimbabwean long time (all time) president stepped down..

Albeit unwillingly.

Most peaceful coup of ALL TIME.

They were in the nigga presidential crib with toothpicks between their teeth and their multiple fingers on their respective triggers like

“Aye papi. We don’t wanna fight. Just go the transformer route and step down and we can all go home and have dinner”.

Haha!!

Zimbabweans must have had it with Mugabe.

Maybe all those dead quotes finally got to them.

Wasn’t it cos he was trine make his dead beat wife his successor?

That one wanted to write her second book. How to finesse your way to the Presidential Palace Vol. 2.

This year also taught us you can be a player and ball yourself into prominence.

Well, that’s what George Weah did. Becoming the president of Liberia of recent.

So do we start preparing for an Okocha or Kanu candidacy?

Are they the best Nigerian footballers ever? Cos you know, Weah was the best in his time.

Ummm…this is food for thought.

And so, brethren, we have come to the end of yet another wonderful TNC Special.

We really hope you enjoyed it.

Oh, btw. We will be going on vacation.

We know you’re like “Again???”

But we need it. Honest!

And in the 7th year, he rested.

Wasn’t it 7th day?

Who makes the rules really?? Besides, they’re in very capable hands.

Ah yes. The NS Squad. Remember to join us same time same place next week for more of this outlandish shit.

Don’t forget to drop a comment.

You know how much we love those.

That’s it from us, y’all.

Later! ✌????

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