ROUND5: 2017 In Review – WTF

Rounds

Join the ‘award winning’ ROUND5 team as they summarise 2017 in WTF news headlines.

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Good day people!
Hi lovelies. How’ the new year been so far?
Whew! This year seems to be moving pretty fast. It’s January 2nd already? Seems like it was just yesterday we were wishing one another happy new year.
Errr…it was, stupid. Anyway guys, you’re welcome to yet another episode of the Round5 week.
And for those of you who don’t know, the past few days on TNC have been all about Rounds with us bringing you back to back posts of how 2017 went; for 5 consecutive days!!! Insane, huh?
Speaking of insane, what we have for you guys today is a summary of the stories in 2017 that really made everyone think ‘WTF?’
Ayee. It’s a round up of the weirdest, craziest, most outlandish shit 2017 had for us.
So sit back and enjoy the crazy ride as we bring you…
ROUNDS WTF
The best thing about this segment is that the news write themselves.
This world is a crazy place and 2017 sure came with its fair share.
Hahaha. What is 2017 without WTF news though??
Funny thing is the year actually started with madness. I’m talking about the swearing-in of Donald Trump into the White House.
Hahaha. That man be helping tabloids sell sell sell!!!
Even though the madness actually started in 2016 when we realized he beat Hilary in the November elections…
But we never really believed the American people would actually follow the results and put the man in the White House. I mean, right?
But sadly they did and everything since then has just been a big pile of WTF?
From his reckless tweets to insane and insensitive media comments…
…To even Covfefe-ing us with new vocabulary.
Lmao. The things he does from that chair he seats in ehn.
Tbh his name should have been something like William Trump Finley so his initials will just be W.T.F.
Hahaha. Touche. And we’re sure the madness will continue in 2018 and best believe we’ll be on ground to deliver them to you as e dey hot. But enough of Trump, on to more fuck-worthy events.
Sure. Speaking of fuck worthy, there was the German party that promised free prostitutes for anyone who couldn’t afford them if erected, sorry elected into office.
Reason number 23478 why Nigeria has failed us. Imagine bringing such a campaign promise to Nigeria, you’ll be in before boys can say ‘How long for short time?’
We that sell our vote for less in fact. Reminds me of the Anambra youth that refused to vote unless they were given money.
Lol. At least since the politicians are going into office to steal our money, why not collect their share from them first?
Hmm…good point.
On the flip side, some female youth were ‘rewarded’ for their chastity when a Virginity Beauty Pageant was organized in Lagos.
And no, Richard Branson had nothing to do with it.
Crying. You know there was actually a winner and two runners-up in fact?
In these days of scum men, such virtuous ladies had to be celebrated, amen?
Hymen brother! I didn’t see that coming tbh.
Neither did the ladies, they hadn’t seen any man cumming either. At least that’s what their mothers said and we believe them because mama knows best.
Well said. Speaking of cumming…
There was the issue of the man of God who was using church money to finance his extra-marital and extra-scriptural romance.
Say God!! Apostle must hear of this!
Apostle actually did this.
You mean the same apostle that kept denying while the side chic kept spilling and showing receipts?
After he had spilled in her in multiple hotels, bought her a ride and sent her money multiple times? Yes.
Same apostle that started giving Christains the go-ahead to kill Fulani herdsmen? Talmabout, if anything happens to me Nigeria will hear. Pfft!
Ah yes! Spreading the gospel of Jesus which says an eye for an eye… Oh wait…
We should just be like Spain and appoint a Minister for sex. Keep all this apostles in check!
I mean look at these Spanish people. All because they weren’t having enough sex and their birth rates were declining.
Imagine having such a romantic language and it’s not leading to enough reckless copulation. Me that just a little ‘Gracias mi amor’ and my legs will fight with gravity.
Lmao. You’re obviously not hoekay. I guess that’s what Governor Rochas was trying to emulate when he appointed a Commissioner for Happiness and Purpose Fulfilment in Imo state.
That guy should be our WTF Man of the Year in Nigeria.
He deserves it for his multiple statue-tory measures in Imo state. Dino should also be a nominee plix.
Lol. Trueee. That reminds me, did you hear that President Buhari’s recent appointments included about 5 dead people??
The White Walkers have invaded Aso Rock. Winter has indeed come.
Like what the actual fuck? Apparently the list was compiled as far back as 2015 when these men were still alive.
And no one bothered to cross-check them in 2017? What a dick move!
That’s not the only dick move in 2017 though. Remember that Kenyan man?
Ah! The one who chopped off his dick cos he said he was causing him to sin? Can’t forget.
Imagine on judgment day he finds out he’s still not going to make Heaven because his eyes caused him to sin.
Enduring hell on earth only to get an L in the afterlife. Tragic!
Something equally tragic was when a Nigerian governor said the meningitis outbreak in his state was from God and a punishment for Nigerians sinning and fornicating too much.
“If you fuck anyhow, you go sick anyhow” – Gov Abdulaziz Yari of Zamfara state.
Gbam! Wise words to note this 2018. We don’t want Yaririasis spreading this year and infecting everyone with stupidity.
Then there was the whistleblower who helped discover an apartment in Ikoyi that had over $43.4m and over N20m…in cash!
It’s still doing my head somehow, that amount! Nigga still breathing after the breakthrough??
He’s breathing fine in Bora Bora or whatever island he went to flex with the reward money FG gave him I’m sure.
That dude ‘s 2017 be lit though, from story to glory fam.
From snitching to blinging.
Wait, wasn’t South Africa in the news again for fuckery this year?
What is WTF news if our brothers from SA don’t mafikizolo ngate botham? It was a two-horse between SA and Kenya this year for winner of Africa’s king of fuckery.
Although we heard they were pretty nice to their prison inmates last year.
Imagine going to jail for Xenophobia and you still get to be entertained with strippers while in prison. SA is prison goals fam.
Lmao prison what? Maybe for Nigerian prisoners sha cos over here it’s mosquitoes that will entertain you in prison.
Same mosquitoes an Ilorin professor adviced us not to kill before they’re ‘our friends’.
Someone that obviously has cerebral malaria.
Still on SA though, we realised that the price for impregnating a man’s wife is a G-wagon.
You want to fuck my wife? Sure! Just bring me a G-wagon and we’ll talk.
Nothing personal, just business baby.
I wonder how many G-wagons you can buy with N544m though.
Maybe we should ask that female Shoprite attendant that used POS machine to steal that amount over the space of one month.
Home girl really had her own POS machine that she was using to defraud customers low key.
If Diezani sign that she has the potential to become a world class thief, this is it.
I swear!! God! 2017 was really crazy. Or should we mention the 3000-year old dildo that was discovered in China…
Or the Siamese twin that sued his other twin because he was masturbating with their joint dick without his permission.
I’ve heard of joint accounts but this is ridiculous.
You know what they say, preek no get shoulder but e dey get two owners at times.
This one has gone from WTF to Which kain mata be dis?
Lool. In all, 2017 has obviously been one crazy year. If we were going to mention every insane thing that happened, you won’t have enough time or data to read them all.
Is it that time again though?
To say goodbye? Yes.
But not for long cos we coming back tomorrow with other Round Ups!!!
Yup. Cos Rounds week continues tomorrow!! So tell a friend to tell their cousin’s neighbour’s boyfriend’s sister.
Cos it’s going to be lit as usual. So join us here tomorrow…
Same time, same site, same loonies…
Asta la vista Misters.
See y’all tomorrow sisters.
We out!

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