Rounds Special: The 2016 Round Up Finale

Rounds

Terdoh: Ladies and Gentlemen! Sirkastiq: HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Terdoh: OMG!! Sirkastiq: We’ve done this shit the past 52 weeks… Terdoh: Well apart from that week where Tee was under the weather, PS: “weather” is not code for babe with a fat ass Sirkastiq: Thanks for clarifying that…there was also that period we had to have…

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Terdoh: Ladies and Gentlemen!

Sirkastiq: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Terdoh: OMG!!

Sirkastiq: We’ve done this shit the past 52 weeks…

Terdoh: Well apart from that week where Tee was under the weather, PS: “weather” is not code for babe with a fat ass

Sirkastiq: Thanks for clarifying that…there was also that period we had to have some time off because body no be firewood

Terdoh: Yeah, about 3 weeks

Sirkastiq: So give or take, we’ve done this shit for 48 weeks

Terdoh: Back to back

Sirkastiq: And every post was a hit

Terdoh: Because we hit you wit it.

Sirkastiq: And here we are at the end of what has been a remarkable year in more ways than one.

Terdoh: We’re not exactly sure how we all are still here considering the kind of year it has been

Sirkastiq: But we sure are grateful.

Terdoh: So whether you worship Buddha, Sango or cow tail, you best pay obeisance for 2016.

Sirkastiq: As you’ve noticed in the earlier ROUND UPS, we’re doing our best to touch on the important events that shaped our 2016.

Terdoh: So sit back and relax comfortable…while we bring you the hits of 2016.

Sirkastiq: These were the most significant political events that happened last year.

***

TERROR

Terdoh: In January, those terrorist bastards Boko Haram raided and burned the village of Dalori, and many as 100 people are killed.

Sirkastiq: The year continued with various attacks, claims of the capture and death of Shekau and the ‘release of some of the girls’

Terdoh: Just in case you’re wondering, they’ve brought some of them home, the remaining girls haven’t been brought back.

Sirkastiq: They’re already women at this rate. But we are thankful.

Terdoh: The spate of terrorism and bombings worldwide seemed to increase in 2016

Sirkastiq: From the Brussels airport and metro attacks, to the St Bastille day carnage in Nice,

Terdoh: The various bombings in Aleppo and Makurdi.

Sirkastiq: America also experienced it’s worse shooting ever at Orlando as a guy randomly shot up a gay club he used to visit.

Terdoh: Mindless behavior I tell you, led to the death of over 50 people.

Sirkastiq: The spate of random killing of black people continued in various states of the US

Terdoh: Protests were staged, more casualities #BlackLivesMatter

Sirkastiq: We can conclude that it was a bloody year

Terdoh: Could pass for the year setting of the red wedding.

Sirkastiq: I’m telling you.

Terdoh: We’re trying not to dwell on it too much.

Sirkastiq: Back home of course, we experienced the worst ever recession ever ever

 

***

OUR FUCKING ECONOMY

Terdoh: Recession so bad, internationally exposed mosquitoes had to relocate.

Sirkastiq: Because shit got bloody

Terdoh: I mean the naira fell like a weary traveller.

Sirkastiq: LOL! Constantly tripping…

Terdoh: Oh, nothing changed regarding our leaders;

Sirkastiq: The president kept doing this thing where he only discovered his voice when he’s out of the country.

Terdoh: Or inside the other room.

Sirkastiq: We can only assume.

Terdoh: Corruption remained the focus of the government, because that’s more important than economic/national development.

Sirkastiq: I mean there were the regular exposes on looted funds, disappearing money etc

Terdoh: Nothing really new there

Sirkastiq: The ones that were in London jail were released…

Terdoh: The other one says she has cancer…

Sirkastiq: The other one that gave over 400m for election prayer is still walking about, giving speeches and being canonized for phone calls.

Terdoh: The other one that said $15 mill was for medical bills, because former first lady headaches are just different.

Sirkastiq: It was this year that they removed subsidy. Subsidy never did anything to anyone.

Terdoh: Fuel now went to N145.

Sirkastiq: As in, even prostitutes mass protested.

Terdoh: It was also in this year that the dollar decided it was going rise like a professionally stimulated flaccid penis.

Sirkastiq: At some point, it was like N250 to a dollar and we were still like “it’s cool, it’ll go back to N199”

Terdoh: Now shit is legit pushing for N500. Let’s not even talk about pounds.

Sirkastiq: Because that one doesn’t have respect.

Terdoh: People were losing £s like Fitfam.

Sirkastiq: The CBN came out at some point talmbout creating a parallel market or some David Copperfield bullshit

Terdoh: But yeah, we saw nothing. Nada.

Sirkastiq: I think we’ve all accepted that this forex life is not for us.

Terdoh: Started embracing our inner naira and kobo fam.

Sirkastiq: Even that one was hard to see.

Terdoh: Generally yeah, we know that the current administration has put a lot of things in place.

Sirkastiq: We just wanna see it reflect in our pockets.

Terdoh: That’s not too much to ask. Is it?

Sirkastiq: Soon, right?

Terdoh: Soon.

 

***

OLYMPICS

Sirkastiq: We can’t talk about 2016 without mentioning major events like the Olympics that took place in Rio

Terdoh: Well, we couldn’t go because we felt it’d be better to stay home than travel to the land of big bottomed, fine ass Brazilian women

Sirkastiq: Yeah, we set our priorities right.

Terdoh: At the Olympics of course, Michael Phelps won five gold medals and a silver, making him the most decorated Olympian or some shit like that.

Sirkastiq: There was that acrobat lady Simone Biles that burst onto the scene and carted away the gymnastic medals

Terdoh: Usain Bolt did the “triple triple” running away with the medals in all the events he competed in.

Sirkastiq: I mean if you’re in a race with Bolt, you know for damn sure you’re fighting for 2nd place with the rest of the contestants.

Terdoh: LOL! And Bolt knew too. I mean

Sirkastiq: Haha, remember that swimmer Ryan Lochte who claimed to have been robbed?

Terdoh: Yeah, homeboy felt the need to cook up a story and didn’t watch for premium cooking conditions.

Sirkastiq: Just served us uncooked food.

Terdoh: What else? We (Nigeria) did have a somewhat fine showing in the rowing and tennis events. Think we claimed bronze in football and oh yes, we disgraced ourselves at the opening ceremony as our attire failed to arrive on time.

Sirkastiq: Shame.

Terdoh: Keshi would have never let that happen.

Sirkastiq: RIP Steve.

***

INTERNATIONAL POLITICS

Terdoh: So, the powers that be in the UK woke up one particular day and decided “nah mate, we’re focking tired of being under the bloody EU, time for us to pull out init”.

Sirkastiq: And people were like “yeah, let’s tell the bloody wankers to sod off, we’ll be fine by weselves”.

Terdoh: And so it came to pass that the UK people voted and while the entire world was like, “nah won’t happen” shit did happen and BREXIT became a reality.

Sirkastiq: Now our UK friends have to stand in line with us at certain immigration points.

Terdoh: David Cameron, erstwhile prime minister had to step down because he couldn’t take the shit man.

Sirkastiq: Oh yeah, this one time, Panama released some documents and snitched on everybody that had evaded tax. I mean Putin had to give a speech. They even called out Jackie Chan. It was devastating.

Terdoh: Issallover Jackie. Dun cry dun beg.

jackie

“Why didn’t I just stick to porn?”

Terdoh: Remember when David Cameron called us fantastically corrupt? Then Bubu clapped back with “give us our money!” Remember that?

Sirkastiq: Lit. It was…

Terdoh: Wasn’t as lit as the Internet when we discovered that Bubu copied Obama’s speech.

Sirkastiq: Wasn’t the only one. Melania already did that.

Terdoh: In Gambia, Yahya Jammeh conceded defeat. Then changed his mind.

Sirkastiq: Life is tough out here for a true African democrat.

Terdoh: Then in the spirit of offsets, you people voted Donald Trump. Fam…

Sirkastiq: Trump.

Terdoh: The man that cannot keep his twitter fingers to himself.

***

Sirkastiq: This year has indeed been a horror story.

Terdoh: We’re grateful for a new one.

Sirkastiq: After all the RIPs we said last year, we can only be optimistic for 2017.

Terdoh: Fresh start.

Sirkastiq: We gotta say thank you to the people who have been constant readers.

Terdoh: And especially to those of you who comment.

Sirkastiq: We love our commenters! So much! No for real, we do.

Terdoh: You’ve stuck with us through terribly boring, shitty posts like this one.

Sirkastiq: Thank you. Thank you so much.

Terdoh: We gotta end this. We know we’ve missed out on a shit ton of stuff. Because we really can’t squeeze all of 2016 in one post.

Sirkastiq: We can only try.

Terdoh: So please feel free to add what we missed.

Sirkastiq: We’ll be here next week to tell you what happened this week.

Terdoh: Till then we wish you peace, love, and laughter.

Sirkastiq: Happy new year fam. God bless you all.

Responses

  1. Gidi Mallam
    Happy New Year you guys! Thanks for all the laughs and craziness y’all consistently served us all through the year.
    We can only hope that as Saka gets married this year that he will have sense. There’s no hope for Terdoh in the foreseeable future, so we’ve accepted that one.
    Here’s to a WAAAAAAY better 2017!!!
  2. Jazzy
    Honestly, the rounds was one of the few things in 2016 that brought a guaranteed smile to many faces.
    Plus I even got a Christmas present from Em.
    More muscle to y’all hustle in 2017. Happy New Year
  3. Orteri
    Saka is getting married? Wow? Diezzy said YES?! We should be served the proposal video now?

    The surest way to chill fron the drama online and offline in this Naija =====> ROUNDs. Still hoping that the video rendition would be someday! Y’all have a good year

  4. Jipiti Jabala
    I love you, guys. On top say I no get boo despite the promise of Harry Songs. I think I recall d speaker jubril exposing the kwarrupt budget padding that is yet to be addressed.or how dey ddnt do saraki in. Was ds d year dino dd remi a solid (slap/assault)? Or do I ve d years mixed up. Too much drama fr a year. Nigerians and d elephant in the room politricks

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