Terdoh: Good evening people!
Sirkastiq: As you all know, this is the Rounds 2016 special.
Terdoh: This is the part where we…well, Round up the year.
Sirkastiq: The entire 2016 has been riddled with WTF moments.
Terdoo: Like your alarm rings in the morning and you already start your day like “WHAT THA FUCK? REALLY??”
Sirkastiq: Where do we really start with all the weird shit? What qualifies? I mean, the fact that Leicester won the EPL this year was weird right?
Terdoo: Def! But let’s even focus on the downright ridiculous, you guys ain’t ready.
Sirkastiq: So yeah, a lot of weird shit happened this year, and we decided to loop in the experts of such ‘nnkan nbe’ matters deal with them.
Terdoh: Dear Roundabouts, say hello to ‘Tula’ and ‘Debloww’.
Debloww: Let me just tell you people that this segment is brought to you to convince you that the world is ending soon. If you like, continue putting your pencil inside sharpener upandan.
Tula: WHAT? Can you be a bit put together?
Debloww: What did I say now? You’re among those that won’t allow us tell the people the truth.
Tula: I shall now proceed to ignore and read our first item.
Witchcraft banned from football games in Africa after bizarre coincidences freak out players and referees.
Tula: I am actually stuck at the fact that witchcraft in football is actually a thing. For it to be banned, it is an acknowledged practice.
Debloww: If science and technology is allowed they why not witchcraft?
Tula: What do you mean? I don’t understand the comparison.
Debloww: Can you explain how your phone takes pictures and then sends nudes?
Tula: Nudes? I don’t—
Debloww: Yes I know but can you explain it?
Tula: No but I’m—
Debloww: Thank you. Please go on with the news…
Tula: Wawu, aren’t you feisty today? Who hurt you? Ah well, In a game between Rwandan Premier League teams Mukura Victory and Rayon Sports, a player apparently performed a ritual mid-game, and within seconds scored a goal.
Debloww: In the video footage Rayon’s striker Moussa Camara, whose team was losing 1-0, can be seen missing a goal, by hitting the bar. He then dashes to the goal and seems to lean a small object against the post.
Tula: Camara is then chased away by an angry goalkeeper from Mukura. But as the game restarts, Camara scores, pulling his team back level.
Debloww: At least, people can’t say we are not using our witch craft in Africa for something good. Nobody is being killed or turned to boiled egg, it’s just for a game of football. Indians that scored 100 in a football game (I don’t care if this story isn’t true) don’t have two heads!! Way to go Rwandans.
Lagos ritualist transforms into a keke maruwa…
Tula: …after he was forced to pick a key, which he dropped on the floor.
Debloww: Every damn thing is a hustle these days.
Tula: According to Naij.com, the incident occurred at Pedro in Somolu precisely at famous bus stop. A man stopped a child returning from school and asked him to pick up a key from the ground.
Sirkastiq: Apparently, the child refused asking why the man couldn’t pick it up himself and this got the man agitated and he started shouting at the child saying he lacked respect for his elders and all sorts but the child still refused.
Debloww: Side eye at all those Yoruba uncles and aunties that are obsessed with respect.
Tula: This attracted the attention of passers-by and luckily, a police van was passing by and they stopped to find out what the problem was. After listening to the man, they asked the child who owned the key and the boy replied that it was for the man so the police got suspicious and asked the man to pick up the key.
Debloww: Oga refused and was forced to. Immediately he picked the key, he turned into a brand new tricycle (keke maruwa)! Everybody ran away and even the police men were scared.
Tula: Why keke marwa though? What happened to a Range Rover 2017? Whatever is worth doing is worth doing well.
Debloww: But how is this different from those things in Harry Potter? Horcrux abi what do they call them.
Tula: Its different, that’s where dark wizards hide bits and pieces of their souls
Debloww: Are you listening to yourself?
Tula: Yes, I’m saying it’s different.
Debloww: But you just talked about dark wizard and not from Africa.
Tula: Oh so you’re still on this matter.
Debloww: Please go on with the news.
Tula: The tricycle was eventually pushed to the Pedro police station. Or so we heard.
Debloww: Lol they touched it? They just sentenced their destiny to life imprisonment with hard labour.
Tula: When the man’s wife was called to the station, she said her husband comes home every day with a brand new tricycle and gives it to people on higher purchase and she didn’t know where he got them from.’
Debloww: This explains the Uber I used yesterday. That car used to be a Yoruba randy mofo that was stupid enough to pick up a key from the ground. Something was pricking me in the ass and I kept on checking for pins and all but it was empty.
Tula: Is there Uber for Danfos now?
Debloww: Wow? Are you saying I can’t afford Uber?
Tula: Oya, whats the colour of the app…
Debloww: It’s not your fault, it’s old age that is doing you. Look at you, just old anyhow and married and with a child.
Tula: Haha.. is that supposed to be the way to diss old married guys in Nigeria?
Debloww: Sha Watch out for Uber Yellow coming soon
Tula: These ritualists are desperate to make money and they devise new means everyday but I pray that God will continue to protect our children and increase them in wisdom.
Debloww: Can these ritualists help us find a solution to recession??
Company launches cook with your semen class.
This might not be semen but I just thought to show you this picture.
Debloww: Ladies, we might have to take back this #MenAreScum hashtag o. We have now found something to do with them.
Tula: According to Daily mail, Amateur chefs will be taught to use semen as a cooking ingredient in cakes and other desserts as well as main courses. They can also learn to make chicken with a spicy jerk sauce, a semen-salted caramel dessert, and even cocktails using the bodily fluid.
Debloww: WAIT coudibee that the cream in Hans & Rene is Yusuf’s semen? Or the inner room that has employee only in all these ice cream shops are filled with different men wanking tirelessly into huge pails?
Tula: WOW! JUST WOW!
Debloww: The piece says participants will need to bring at least five teaspoons of semen along with them to the class, which can be their own, or even come from their partner.
Tula: They will come home with not just a whole new list of recipes under their belt but also an in-depth knowledge of semen-cooking techniques.
Debloww: I don’t really think it is a bad thing to cook with semen because some of our sisters and some brothers are already swallowing it and getting all the full nutritional benefits.
Tula: I feel you on that one. If we can eat the egg laid by a chicken, which is lowkey menstrual blood that was lucky not to be fertilized by a cock (pun may or may not be intended), there really isn’t a reason why we cannot add semen to our food.
Terdoo: Wow! Nice one with the innuendos guys.
Debloww: I won’t try to analyze how you managed to bring menstruation into this. I have a suggestion though. For Happiness party 2017, can we please do BYOS instead of BYOB? Drinks haf cost.
Tula: LMAOOOOOOOO… Soooooo where are we gon’ pour it?
Sirkastiq: WOW! YOU GUYSSSSSS
Village where dead people are not buried but roasted and stored.
Debloww: Finally I can back the point I have been trying to make concerning kiliishi with an evidence. Coat this one with red pepper and Kiliishi is set.
Tula: I can’t even argue. A village has been discovered in Indonesia where the dead are not buried but roasted over an open fire and kept as mummies for a long time.
Debloww: Daily Star UK reported that the Dani people from the central highlands of western New Guinea, Indonesia, have been able to preserve their dead for centuries with smoke.
Tula: Though it reports that the technique is no longer in use, a tribe in Wogi – a village close to the regional capital, Wamena – has held on to a number of mummies which it refused to bury.
Debloww: According to tradition in that region, smoking someone over a fire for weeks, or even months, is the ultimate show of respect for the deceased in Dani culture.
Tula: What we need to find out now is if there are any trade ties between Indonesia and Nigeria.
Debloww: I know right? Because I can swear one kilishi I ate one time tasted like ba.. nvm
Tula: Oh no, you need to go on and let us know what you’ve been putting in your mouth
Debloww: somebody cannot lick lollipop again. Na wa.
Year of The SA Pastors
Tula: This year, the pastors in SA stepped up their game to take back their crown from the Kenyan pastors.
Debloww: What crown is that exactly?
Tula: Erm… Im not quite sure. Just follow the script and stop asking these questions. Ah! But yeah, from spraying church members with Doom, to asking same members to drink disinfectants.
Debloww: Ah yes, One man in particular, Penuel Mnguni was at the center of the drama.
Tula: He’s the same guy who made his members eat grass in the past, stepped on their bodies, walked on naked bodies to deliver them from ‘evil spirits’, prayed ‘snake spirit’ into a church member, ordered them to chew carpet, ordered members to eat mango leaves, healed women by climbing on their stomach, locked a lady in a deep refrigerator for 30 minutes, and so many unbelievable ‘miracles.’
Debloww: LMAO, nigga asked them to chew carpet. I’m crying. La’ise carpet grass, as per they’re goats.
Tula: Says a lot about South Africans doesn’t it…
Debloww: What exactly does it say?
Tula: Hay God; They are extremely nice people.
Debloww: Just that?
Tula: The height of it all was when he commanded a member to act like a horse and also when he sent his church members to see heaven
Debloww: Wait, he did what?
Tula: He sent them to heaven.
Tula: He commanded the angels to take up one of the congregants and make him climb on top of a pole. Immediately, he was taken up by the angels.
Debloww: Confuse has enveloped me right now. And talking about churches…
Church Mistakes Tupac Shakur’s ‘Hail Mary’ For Catholic Prayer
Debloww: There was mass confusion at a Christmas service in Sri Lanka when the program featured the words to Tupac Shakur’s 1997 song, “Hail Mary,” instead of the traditional Catholic prayer.
Tula: This is why searching on YouTube requires a lot of skill. As the Guardian notes, both the “Hail Mary” prayer and Tupac Shakur’s rap song ask Mother Mary to intercede on behalf of sinners, but they differ greatly on the specifics.
Debloww: The original prayer goes like this:
“Hail Mary full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.“
Tula: Shakur’s version is more explicit, with lines like,
“I ain’t a killer, but don’t push me
Revenge is like the sweetest joy next to getting pussy
Picture paragraphs unloaded, wise words being quoted
Peeped the weakness in the rap game and sewed it.”
Debloww: I’d love to see their reactions as they read the lines
Tula: We could go on and on with the WTF news items, but let’s call it a day.
Debloww: Over 2000 words?! Ah, end it, end it!
Tula: If you have any news item you remember that ought to be part of our ridiculous list, feel free to share it in the comments.
Terdoh: *sigh* We should never ever have let these people loose in the studio.
Debloww: Just…look at who is talking.
Sirkastiq: Be sure to join us here tomorrow, same time same place. We’ll be bringing you the final edition of this Rounds 2016 Special.
Terdoh: Happy new year people! See you next year!