Terdoh: What is 2016 without the entertainment? Yeah, we brought a shit load of it your way every week, because we’re good like that.
Sirkastiq: There was so much happening and if you could for a minute look on the ‘bright side’ of 2016, you’d be sure to spot some hilarious and entertaining bits.
Terdoh: To do justice to the Entertainment Round Up, we’ve got the really sarcastic Funmi and mysterious ‘S’.
Sirkastiq: To be honest, Funmi should be wearing the sarcastic crown because she’s such a savage.
Terdoh: I thought S stood for savage.
Sirkastiq: Yeah? Well, we’ll let the readers decide.
Funmi: Okay, so where do I begin? A lot happened this year. There were highs and lows – mostly lows a.k.a. deaths. Na so so die die upandan. I mean, can we get through the list?
S: Prince, David Bowie, Muhammad Ali, and most recently Carrie Fisher, her mum Debbie Reynolds and George Micheal.
Funmi: Yup, you can call 2016 the Celeb Ripper. But it wasn’t all bad. We had Beyonce.
S: Yasssss! The Queen B came through with that digital drop and a powerful Superbowl performance that had pressed racists in their feelings.
Funmi: I suspect she now deep conditions her glorious tresses and bathes her flawless skin in white tears. If she decides to go into politics, she certainly has enough to irrigate a small country.
S: Speaking of white people crying wolf, we had the delicious pleasure of the #KimExposedTaylorParty.
Funmi: Ah yes, that was quite the revelation. I mean the unlikeliest of sources, Kim aya Kanye Kardashian, finally revealed what many shea butter connoisseurs had always known. Taylor Swift is about as truthful as a Nigerian politician’s campaign promises.
S: The blonde waif accused Kanye of making derogatory comments about her on the rapper’s track “Famous” only for Kim to prove with RECEIPTS that Shifty Swifty knew all along and gave her permission.
Funmi: Like Nigerian dress makers, this is one more “Taylor” you just can’t rely on. You always gotta have those receipts ready.
S: One dress maker who certainly can’t be trusted is Kanye himself. Not because the man is dishonest, but this Chicago dude is clearly a savage.
Funmi: A trait you’d recognize, right?
S: Please don’t join them. I’m a saint.
Funmi: Well, that still makes you a we(i)st.
Sirkastiq & Terdoo: *round of applause for that*
S: Ugh! Anyway, while launching his new Yeezy collection during a bloody heatwave, dude called all his models to pick pin in the sun like troublesome students. Okay, they didn’t pick pin, but they were standing at attention for hours, even to the point that some of these poor women started dropping like flies.
Funmi: Oga, fashion show, not military training. No food, no water, just shredded brown outfits and exposure to blazing heat. It’s making me dizzy just thinking about it.
S: And the topic of exposure brings us to Kimmy herself. Arguably her social media lifestyle led to her being held up and robbed at gunpoint since robbers were able to determine her location and track her down during a media tour in Paris.
Funmi: Personal feelings about Kim aside, she’s a human being who is also someone’s daughter, mum, wife and so on so we can’t make light of what must have been a scary experience. Clearly shaken up by the encounter, Kim has since pretty much disappeared from the internet, leaving many to wonder if the assault has forever changed her relationship with social media. Perhaps 2017 will see a reinvented Kim, with fewer selfies but way more surprises. We wait with bated breath.
S: Just wait till her next magazine cover.
Funmi: Moving on… You probably thought Entertainment 2016 was all about the Kardashians right? Nah. Naija no dey carry last; we had our own stories that touch. Our music industry was aplomb with lots of hits this year (as usual).
S: From “Pana”, to “Baba Nla” to “Problem” and most recently, my jam “Mad over you”.
Sirkastiq: Respect yourself. You’re in public.
Funmi: Don’t forget “Daddy Yo”. I mean; the song is annoying as fuck but it definitely sticks.
S: Scandal wise, let’s see… There was the Wizkid & Linda Ikeji debacle, Davido & Dele Momodu…
Funmi: There was the curious incident of the debt-ridden bae who was caught attempting to take a dive off a well-known Lagos bridge.
S: Yeah, that was HUGGGGEEE. Felt like we were having our very own power couple scandal.
Funmi: LOL. She said “power couple”. It was a tale of shout outs to NDLEA, stolen destinies, accusations of infidelity and hefty management fees. In the end, our protagonist who was a fond consumer of edible catering retreated into oblivion and hasn’t been heard from since.
S: Well, 2017 might be the year of his reappearance (with or without the funds he is purported to owe. Mans has some Billz to pay). Some sources still see this haircut lover at major fun spots across the metropolis sha.
Funmi: We can’t touch on lucrative marriages and profitable split-ups in Nigeria without a major shout out to Toke InstaSlayer Makinwa, Queen of Snapchat, Carrier of Designer Bags, Wearer of Premium Wigs, First of Her Name.
S: Tokstarr with, a double ‘arr’ emerged from the embers of her defunct marriage like a phoenix hunting for that next business move.
Funmi: The move came in form of a “must tell” in which she detailed all the ways her ex was a Maje-stic fuckboy and the million ways she was a compliant bird who knowingly accepted that she was merely a partial custodian of the Community Penis.
S: HAHAHAHA… You are so rude. Love it! Having read the novel, it’s impossible to take sides but I 100% applaud my yellow sista for her recession-proof mindset. Even heartbreak can credit your account.
Funmi: You gotta take notes, people. Recession is a mindset.
S: Speaking of breakups, some couples appear to be on the verge. 2017 will also show if the Kim/Kanye partnership will survive. Following Kanye’s very public breakdown, there have been reports of a looming divorce.
Funmi: Eleyii ma tuff gaan. This might suggest that Kim isn’t about that “In sickness and in health” life, which would be a huge shame. I’m sure many of you have your opinions about the supposed Kardashian Kurse, but…
S: Imma let you finish, but Brad and Angelina had the biggest split of the year!
S: For real, if any celeb “uncoupling” had me shook, it was this one. Some might argue that Angelina has a track record of “Jolie-ing” other people’s men. Reports say actress Laura Dern found out her boo Billy Bob Thornton had a boo when she learned of his engagement to Angie on TV.
Funmi: Dazzright. Jennifer Anniston has implied that Brad was jolie-d while working on Mr & Mrs Smith with Slay Mama Angie. The running theme is that men emigrate from previous relationship situations to become resident in Jolie-land. Yet, unfortunately, these dudes face the same eventual fate: deportation. Let’s see who tries to apply for citizenship in 2017.
S: I’ll bet on Drake.
Funmi: Oh gosh, this one should probably take the award for getting the best vag the world has to give. I mean in 2017, this man called Aubrey most likely dived into Rihanna and Serena Williams; two women with that pot of gold pum.
S: I’d dive into them if I had the chance.
Terdoo: *grabs popcorn*
Funmi: In case you missed it, Drake professed his love for Rihanna at an awards ceremony and they had what seemed like a 3-minute relationship before Rih reminded him that she was a savage.
Sirkastiq: Didn’t they tell him?
S: Maybe Rih couldn’t stand Drake’s tears every time he came.
Funmi: Uncle Drek has since moved on to Jenny from the block, because he’s all about that community service.
S: Or servicing.
Funmi: Though I’m still reeling from the end of Brangelina, if anything really made me catch my breath in 2016, it was Teyana Taylor shitting on all my fitfam goals with her performance in Kanye’s Fade video.
S: There’s already a strong Kanye theme here so let’s not go into this in too much detail.
Funmi: Yeah, I’m also way too tensioned for this. Actually, fuck Teyana. (I heard some of you thirsty niggas screaming “Yes, please!”. Dehydrated asses. Yes, I’m pained.) This is hardly an exhaustive list, but the memory of Teyana’s supple frame and the realisation that my own abs are nowhere to be found has frozen my creative juices.
S: Let’s just say 2016 has been pretty eventful, yeah? If we missed out any major highlights, please share with us in the comments section. Let’s see what 2017 has to offer.
Bobriskyy: Wart? So you guys were nort going to mention me?
Funmi & S: Of course! How can we exit 2016 without mentioning the Nigerian man(?) of the year. BOBRISKYYYY!
Everyone in the studio: OSHEYYYY BARDESTT
Terdoh: That’s it for today’s round-up guys. Be here same time same place tomorrow for the next edition of this special.
Sirkastiq: Later y’all.