Terdoh: Good morning people!
Sirkastiq: We’re back at it again!
Terdoh: Happy new year yo.
Can we agree that after this week it's no longer acceptable to tell someone Happy New Year?
— Norm Kelly (@norm) January 6, 2017
Sirkastiq: Still, happy new year!
Terdoh: In awa usual fashunz, we’re bringing you the best news we came across this week.
Sirkastiq: The year really started off quick.
Terdoh: No joke, mans didn’t wait for the year to kick off properly before the ridiculous news items started coming in. I mean who saw that Nicki, Meek split coming?
Sirkastiq: Uhm…all of us? I mean who saw it happening in the first place? Were we not all surprised?
Terdoh: LOL! Word.
Sirkastiq: Fam, let’s not beat around the bush like an inexperienced porn star. Get right to it.
Terdoh: Wow. It’s…Sunday fam.
Sirkastiq: SMH. There you go wasting even more time.
Terdoh: Fine, fine. Let us begin.
Obasanjo Sends Awujale Letter Bomb
The Pen is still mightier than the Sword.
The Beautiful Ones Are Not Yet Born
Till Dec 2017.
Prophet Iginla Prophesies.
Dun Cry. Dun Beg.
Obasanjo Sends Awujale Letter Bomb
Sirkastiq: Remember those days when Obasanjo discovered the writer in him, and regularly blessed us with various letters and shit?
Terdoh: Yup. Always something to look forward to in those correspondences.
Sirkastiq: Well, look no further; ‘baba’ hasn’t lost his touch as he ended 2016 with yet another ‘interesting’ letter.
Terdoh: We’re just bringing this news to you because the news just came to us, so don’t vex.
Sirkastiq: Here’s the gist; Former President Obasanjo has described allegations made against him by Oba Sikiru Adetona, the Awujale of Ijebuland, as resulting from a lack of common sense and a potpourri of wild rumors.
Terdoh: Just like that, you tell a royal father that he lacks common sense.
Sirkastiq: Quite understandable, considering the royal folk ain’t common men.
Terdoh: OBJ, we see what you did there.
Sirkastiq: I daresay OBJ is one of the few ones we have who is well versed in subtle insults.
Terdoh: Baba go drop kick your destiny with words, you’ll be there looking for where the jab is.
Sirkastiq: Hitting harder than Mayweather.
Terdoh: In January.
Sirkastiq: The letter began with OBJ addressing the Awujale as “Your Royal Highness”.
Terdoh: We know that was the first punch.
Sirkastiq: The letter was in response to various allegations made in the traditional ruler’s 2010 autobiography, Awujale: The Autobiography Of Alaiyeluwa Oba SK Adetona, Ogbagba 11.
Terdoh: In the book, the Awujale claimed that Obasanjo used his powers as president, among other things, to hound his cousin and prominent businessman, Mr. Mike Adenuga.
Sirkastiq: OBJ said. “Common sense would suggest that wild rumors should not be perpetrated by an Oba of your caliber,”
Terdoh: For good measure, he added that he now thinks a lot less of the Awujale than he once did.
Sirkastiq: The Awujale had accused the former President of harboring a deep-seated hate for the Globacom Chairman, and as a result, OBJ whipped out his mighty pen from the fountain of love.
“Kabiyesi, (note the respect masked in honor, but really meaning – in case you’ve forgotten what you’re supposed to be) … the total sum of what you have put down in those pages of your book is that I dislike Mike (Adenuga).
Maybe I need to remind you that if there was any iota of truth in such a position or mindset, Mike would never have been granted the mobile phone telephone license, which made him a billionaire.”
It was a deliberate action on my part that a Nigerian should own one of the licenses. Anybody else but Mike could have been that Nigerian,”
Terdoh: The former president went on to purport that the royal father needs to get his facts right and quit sniffing that white stuff
Sirkastiq: Well, he didn’t exactly say that, but we know what he was thinking.
Terdoh: Almost certain the Awujale ain’t going to be saying shit for a while.
Sirkastiq: Well, we can still expect another book. Who knows?
Terdoh: Fingers crossed ey?
The Beautiful Ones Are Not Yet Born…in Nnewi
Sirkastiq: Well, they might be, but the intelligent ones definitely aren’t.
Terdoh: We are here to tell you that if you ever intend to be crowned the ‘Most beautiful Girl in Nnewi” you’re going to need more than beauty.
Sirkastiq: Not too much, but a little measure of brains won’t be a bad idea.
Terdoh: But models generally do not h…
Sirkastiq: You might wanna watch that man, don’t get these women up in arms here.
Terdoh: I just want their limbs up in other ways tbh.
Terdoh: It was a show of complete WTF, when contestants at the “Most beautiful girl in Nnewi” were disqualified for failing to answer the simple questions posed their way.
Sirkastiq: The girls, who must have believed all they needed to win was yellow skin and a we…(let me leave that) answered most questions with “I don’t know” or “no idea”
Terdoh: Like! This wasn’t supposed to be the “How dumb are you?” show.
Sirkastiq: The story on datswasupblog lists some of the questions as:
Q: Who is the founder of F.C Ifeanyi Ubah
A: No idea.
Terdoh: CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE?
Sirkastiq: Well, maybe somebody else founded it na and she didn’t really know
Q: Who is the Traditional ruler of Nnewi?
A: Thanks for the question, but no idea.
Sirkastiq: LMAOOOOO…she was clearly following the polite script.
Terdoh: Such a dunce.
Q: Who is the president of Nigeria?
A: The President, the president the President of Nigeria is is is ehh ehh Dr. Mohammed Buhari.
Q: Who won Miss Nigeria 1987?
A: No idea
Q: When u look in the mirror what do u see?
A: Courage and confidence
Sirkastiq: THA FUCK?
Terdoh: She’s probably one-half of Igbo Siamese twins. Why so angry?
Q: If you become the president of Nigeria, what would you do?
Sirkastiq: OMG! Are these responses for real? MUD MEEEEE
Sirkastiq: The report further says;
When asked what they were putting on during the native attire session, a contestant said she’s putting on purewater cloth while another said she’s putting on cat cloth because “Busu” (pussycat) is her best pet.
Terdoh: The show was postponed to December 2017.
Sirkastiq: Because the organizers and judges were pissed off.
Terdoh: And rightly so. “Purewater cloth” MEIN GOTT!
Pro Joshua Iginla releases nudes…sorry 73 Shocking prophecies
Sirkastiq: Of course, it won’t be a new year without the various prophecies that accompany it.
Terdoh: Bruh, I’m just here like so God decides like yo, I’m just gon’ wait till it’s January 1st so I can send some prophecies down to earth.
Sirkastiq: And He whatsapp’s Angel Michael like “Yo, Mike, what time is it?”
Terdoh: Mikey be like “Fam, we don’t do time around here yannah, we on some eternity shit?”
Sirkastiq: And god be like “word, word! You spitting truth”
Terdoh: Mikey be like “you know how we do around here; gats keep it real my G”
Sirkastiq: So if you’re one of those people that thinks God has to wait till Jan 1st to make what your pastor calls ‘prophecies’ then I’m really sorry to break this to you.
Terdoh: That’s not to say God doesn’t speak, just know that some of these things are “man-made”
Sirkastiq: Word! Have you also noticed the ‘prophecies’ always have a caveat?
Terdoh: And why would God need to give different pastors different prophecies about the same country?
Sirkastiq: My God is not an author of confusion sha.
Terdoh: Let’s read the story anyway…
Sirkastiq: Don’t know if you guys have heard of Prophet Iginla.
Terdoh: Let’s act like there’s nothing wrong with that name.
Sirkastiq: LOL. Let’s focus.
Terdoh: Brother Joshua Iginla of Champions Royal Assembly recently released 72 prophetic insights for 2017.
Sirkastiq: This is meant to guide the nation and individuals into what’s at stake and take appropriate precautions where necessary.
Terdoh: To be honest, it’s an exhaustive list of shit like.
1. In 2017, I see more pressure on His Excellency, Mr. president to sack the incumbent CBN Governor. It will take divine Grace for him to remain in that office.
Sirkastiq: Doesn’t this happen every year? Note the caveat: “It will take divine Grace for him to remain in that office.”
Terdoh: That’s necessary so when shit don’t happen, we can say, “ah, divine grace must have kept him, as the man of God said”
2. Senator Saraki. The Senate president should not think that the trials are over. I see more storm and trials that will take a new turn from his enemies and political distractor. They will scheme for his removal. He should be very careful because I see much betrayal of promise. They might backstab him. I see promises made in the secret to him that will not be kept. He should pray that the people in his camp should not see the storm overwhelming him, thus leaving him in the storm.
Sirkastiq: I mean, it’s Saraki, homeboy lives for the media attention so like duhh. Again, spot the caveat
3. The hardship and poverty in Nigeria will increase. Mr president will do all he can in his power to reshuffle some of his cabinet in order to rescue issues but because his administration has more enemies than friends, they will frustrate all his efforts.
Terdoh: At this point, I’m like “God, can you show us something more wowing, like Mr Ibu will contest for and become the Governor of his state”
Sirkastiq: As if a cabinet re-shuffle isn’t a normal occurrence. Our hardship and poverty has been our bane since the 90’s. So Nigga!!!
Terdoh: He continues
However, I see a light at the end of the tunnel but it will not free us from this hardship. Rather, it will increase, it will be strong but I have good news for you, those who know their God will be exempted.
Sirkastiq: Sigh. If you have the time, you can read more of his predictions here.
Terdoh: You know you can always find stuff like this on LIB. Enjoy…
Sirkastiq: Speaking of weird shit on LIB, there’s this ‘heartbreaking’ story that went viral about some chick whose boyfriend of 7 years left her for a divorced mother of two.
Terdoh: Replace ‘heartbreaking’ with ‘hilarious’ and we might be on the same page.
Sirkastiq: I’m just curious. Women who say “I cooked and cleaned for him”, are you people really serious?
You should see his 6-roomed house. I cleaned it, did washing and ironing, I cook, baked for him.
Terdoh: LOL! Congratulations ma. You can keep the space you live in rent-free clean.
Sirkastiq: The shit even ended with…
“…..and Michelle has the ring
But I cooked for him”
Deblowww: Vagina Mignon yato si Vagina.
Sirkastiq: I’m done! Let’s move on…
Meek MiLL and Nicki Split
Sirkastiq: And the first L of 2017 goes to…
Who took the first L of 2017?
— Terdoo (@Terdoo) January 7, 2017
Terdoh: Nicki has had enough!!
Sirkastiq: Been a long time coming. I mean we knew shit been through since we heard about that side chick Meek had.
Terdoh: But we started jumping to conclusions like Nigerian women when she dropped this…
Sirkastiq: You know your girl is disgruntled as hell when she starts with them self worth posts.
Sirkastiq: Next we know, she’s using Meek to advertise Chanel Flip Flops, announce her status, and stan Beyoncé all in one post.
Terdoh: This level of multi-tasking is legendary, tbh.
Sirkastiq: Then she dropped this and it was really over.
To confirm, yes I am single. Focusing on my work & looking forward to sharing it with you guys really soon. Have a blessed New Year. Love u🎀
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) January 5, 2017
Terdoh: LOL! Hey boo.
Sirkastiq: Aren’t you married?
Terdoh: Not to Nicki Minaj, fam wyd?
Terdoh: You know, when this breakup happened, we were all like “Yep, Drake called it!”
— NANA JIBRIL 🌙 (@girlswithtoys) January 5, 2017
Sirkastiq: I think the celebrity replies to the split are the best thing about it. Not one person is checking for Meek. Everyone just wants to know if Nicki is okay. And if they can help…
@NICKIMINAJ so like….you wanna go rollerskating sometime?
— Ian Fortey (@IanFortey) January 5, 2017
Hey big head 😇😇 #stuntgang
— @IAMSAFAREE (@IAMSAFAREE) January 5, 2017
Nicki I SUWEAR!! If you give Your Heart to ME!!!!!!!!!!!! People pls epp me tell her https://t.co/gND4mDcCB7
— DETTY BOY (@mreazi) January 5, 2017
Terdoh: Oh, and Soulja boy has been all over her page.
Sirkastiq: Soulja boy? Soulja boy??
Terdoh: Hey, when you’re on the market, anyone can shoot they shot fam.
Sirkastiq: However, on Meek’s end, it’s been pure bants since day 1.
Terdoh: Mr. MiLL decided to take the petty, scenic route and paint a graphic picture for us….talmbout
Sirkastiq: Smh. Attention seekers. Both of them.
Terdoh: But nobody wants to know anything about his petty ass.
Sirkastiq: The trolling levels are always legendary on Twitter at this time of the year.
Terdoh: This time of the year being any time Meek MiLL takes an L online.
Meek Mill falling apart right now nigga standing in a empty hallway by his damn self talking about "its lit" NIGGA WHERE? pic.twitter.com/7BpLsKN774
— LUKE RAGE (@Afro_Clutch) January 5, 2017
When ya friends take you out after ya girl broke up with you & you fake happy pic.twitter.com/rD11iRV9d1
— LEGEND (@ChriStylezz) January 5, 2017
Sirkastiq: All we need now is for Drake to tweet “now you ain’t going on any tours” and it’s over.
Terdoh: SMH! We ALL know who lost out in that relationship.
Sirkastiq: You shouldn’t jump into conclusions though. Mans was probably tired. You know…
Terdoh: LOL! Tired of Nicki Minaj?
Sirkastiq: Especially of Nicki. I mean with all that ass, you’re destined to go through some shit if you know what I mean.
Terdoh: Besides, who says Nicki wasn’t cheating too?
Terdoh: I can’t wait for the new music that’s about to come though. That’s all I’m interested in.
Sirkastiq: We should move on. These people are probably doing all that shit for clickbait.
Terdoh: Before we do, Drake, leave that woman. She is no good for you.
Sirkastiq: Stay Lo and build. Hehe.
Terdoh: Nice one.
Sirkastiq: I just think the final L will be when we start referring to Meek as “Nicki Minaj’s ex”.
Terdoh: That’s already happened.
Who is Meek Mill? Nicki Minaj’s ex and hip hop star – here’s what we know https://t.co/7kMsErmHlV
— Montana Maxx (@imaxxout) January 8, 2017
Sirkastiq: Issallover Jackie. Allover.
Terdoh: Still on celebrity couples and breakups, Ciara has dropped her lawsuit against her baby daddy, Future.
Sirkastiq: I’m sure Russell was like “He’s your past, I’m your fu…I mean your forever. Let it go”
Terdoh: And she was like “You know what? You right. Nay, Vadius shouldn’t come between us anymore”
Terdoh: So yeah, charges have been dropped. Maybe now baby Future can hear word, yeah?
Terdoh: It’s that time again, where we bring out the moral lessons in this post, because we know that it might have flown over your heads like an ill-fitted gele.
Sirkastiq: That was terrible.
Terdoh: Say your own na.
Terdoh: Anyway, first we learnt that you don’t bite the fingers that fed you. Or your fellow kinsman.
Sirkastiq: Ah, is it community plate? Please. Every finger for himself abeg abeg.
Terdoh: I think the real lesson is that nobody should come for Baba Iyabo. Cos before you can say jack, that pen is already scribbling your reply.
Sirkastiq: OBJ and his letters sha.
Terdoh: Next we learnt how incomplete beauty can be without brains.
Sirkastiq: An entire beauty pageant and not even 2 brain cells to rub together to spark an idea.
Terdoh: Shame, Nnewi. Shame.
Sirkastiq: Do better, Nigerian women.
Terdoh: Yes, all of you take the L for this one.
Sirkastiq: Speaking of Ls. Meek…LOL!
Terdoh: What is the moral here? Cos I’m stumped.
Sirkastiq: Uhm…don’t get caught cheating?
Terdoh: *taps nose* Yeah, we’ll leave it at that.
Sirkastiq: We almost forgot the prophesies.
Terdoh: Prophet Iginla came through this week with the ‘Word from God’.
Sirkastiq: I guess the moral here is to try and develop your own relationship with your maker so you don’t have to hear any man-made, filtered version.
Sirkastiq: Yo, we gotta take five and talk about two things.
Terdoh: First, we have an in-house web series coming up.
Sirkastiq: Proudly brought to you by TNC.
OFFICIAL TRAILER FOR REDTV & TNC WEB SERIES – OUR BEST FRIEND’S WEDDING https://t.co/vbjONnkAqp
— The Naked Convos (@TheNakedConvos) January 6, 2017
Terdoh: We’re not trying to make too much noise about this, but it’s kind of a HUGE deal. Because we’ve been working on it for a LONG ASS time.
Sirkastiq: Quality shit takes time to cook, my people.
Terdoh: The web series, Our Best Friend’s Wedding, starts airing on the 26th of January.
Sirkastiq: Remember to subscribe to REDTV so you don’t miss out on any of the episodes. Would be a damn shame.
Terdoh: Damn shame.
Sirkastiq: And foremost, there’s an upcoming theatrical installment from AbOriginal Theatre called Fractures that you ABSOLUTELY NEED to check out.
Terdoh: Fractures is an authentically Nigerian adaptation of A View From The Bridge, Arthur Miller’s classic study of cultural conflict and emotional self-discovery.
Agip Hall, MUSON Centre, Onikan, Lagos
Dates & Showtimes
14 & 15 January 2017 @ 3:00 & 6:00 p.m.
(10% off 10 or more tickets)
Terdoh: Later on this week, on the site, we will be giving away free tickets to the show, courtesy of AbOriginal Theatre, the theatre arm of AbOriginal Productions. So watch this space.
Sirkastiq: The play is a perfect blend of drama and comedy. And you know how much we love…love that combination.
Terdoh: So next weekend, if you have plans…don’t.
Sirkastiq: Cos Fractures is showing, ma nigga. Your girl has been complaining that she’s tired of eating cinema popcorn. Switch it up.
Terdoh: Let her have some theatre popcorn.
Sirkastiq: You’re welcome.
Terdoh: We do it for you.
Sirkastiq: That’s it from us this week. Tune in next week for more of this outlandish shit.
Terdoh: Later people.
Sirkastiq: Peace, love and laughter.
- Sahara reporters