Look, before we even say anything, if you haven’t watched the last episode of OBFW, you need to go and do that now.
Not even playing. Go and watch it
and come back first…
And if you need to catch up on the entire season so far, you can do that here
Just wanna state for the record that Charles really is a savage.
I’m actually very much Team Charles to be honest.
Right. No one is rooting for the good guy. Nice guys finish last abi?
Are we already in the Morals section?
Okay, so what do we have for the people today?
K Dot dropped a new video
I really won’t stand for Kendrick slander.
LOL! Wow… I will keep quiet now, but just let that album drop next week. That is when word will really not be heard.
Aren’t we supposed to be talking about relevant news?
That will be all.
“Immunize me, so I can snitch”
For every 12 there is one Judas.
A Kenyan and His Manhood
Are like a fool and his money
When your show is cancelled
Before it even begins.
How To Clap Back Vol 1
By #IbadanTwitter © Q1, 2017.
Last week we brought you the story of Dino Melaye moving a motion against tribal marks.
We knew there was something fishy going on.
Seems like he was trying to prepare for the upcoming storm.
This week Dino has gone from Senator to singer to video vixen to graduate.
It’s straight out baffling that someone’s popsy just downright acts the fool.
Children, raise your parents.
So, there have been news reports on the Senator’s educational history.
A section says he dino graduate and he’s lying about that.
And Dino be like “Me? Lie?! Mi o le lie o! Melaye.
Reports say staff at Ahmadu Bello University have refuted claims by the Vice-Chancellor, Prof. Ibrahim Garba that Senator Dino Melaye graduated from the University.
During the week, it was revealed that some professors at the Geography Department manipulated and forged school records to help Melaye “graduate”.
It’s sorta like stuffing bread with akara to make it look like a Big Mac. Last last, the mouth will know the difference.
Your…whatchamacallit?…‘proverbs’ are really, painfully shit.
Despite the efforts by these professors, they were still stuck during Mr. Melaye’s final year, unable help him graduate because he could not pass Geography 307 Long Field Trip, a compulsory course required for graduation.
Methinks this is one of those practical courses where you go away for a while on some form of exploration.
Knowing Dino, he probably used the opportunity to chase babes.
The VC was forming “Melaye graduated” but little did he know that evidence had already flooded the internet.
A copy of the Convocation brochure, appeared online but Melaye’s name was clearly absent.
His name was also absent from the Alumni directory of ABU.
Mr Melaye isn’t just a local champion, he has also claimed he graduated from Harvard and the London School of Economics.
These two institutions have however said…
“IT’S A LIE OOOOOO”
Since the news broke, Dino seems to have started preparing for life outside the chambers as he has enrolled as a comedian, dancer and singer.
We look forward to new material.
Speaking of Dino, I literally just realized that was his name because he was a dino-saur.
Congratulations, you cracked the case.
Do you always have to be…
Were you gonna say Sirkastiq?
“IMMUNIZE ME!” – Flynn
That kind of immunity is different. They’re not the same thing man, that’s a shit title.
At least they understand.
Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you the most recent installation in the “Karma is such a mother fucking bitch” series.
Dude that was forced to resign after we found out that he was lying about the context of his midnight calls with Putin? Yeah, we remember him.
Good good. Well, he’s been in the news lately.
Obviously, as you’re currently reading about him in The Rounds this week.
Mr. Flynn, former National Security Adviser, has come out to say he will gladly snitch to the popo about Trump. But only if he will be granted immunity.
Mr. Flynn got a story for us. But only if he has assurances against unfair prosecution.
We wanna say “No snitching”, but we also really wanna know what the heck Trump was texting Putin, you know.
As Donny’s adviser, he definitely has some inside information that everyone would love to get they hands on.
The most ironic part of his request for immunity was the statement he made last year about Hilary Clinton’s associates:
“When you are given immunity, it means you committed a crime”
He had people yelling “lock her up” at Trump rallies…
And now he’s yelling “Don’t lock me up”?
Of course we have to include the now-customary presidential tweet on the said issue…
Sounds a lot like he’s supporting this request.
Mans probably knows something we don’t know.
Hmm…According to some very reliable sources, he’s very smart.
With all the trash that has gone on in the white house since this orange person came into power, you’re pretty sure America won’t make this mistake next time.
On second thought, I take that back. Americans can be pretty stupid.
Well, stupidity isn’t exactly native to that country. Because…
Kenyan Man Chops Off His Penis
We told you, we’d be back this week with Kenya.
They just can’t stay away from WTF news.
One would think Kenyans would know how to run far from drama, but nahhh.
Journey with us to Naivasha where a man chopped off his schlong and threw it to a dog saying it was of no value to him.
He didn’t chop it off because it was too long and couldn’t fit into his pants (which is something I’d consider).
Nope, he cut it off because the bible told him so.
Niggas need to ask for wisdom when interpreting the bible tbh.
I mean they said arm. Not paynus.
According to the Star Kenya, the man from Karai started with a razor blade but finished cutting off his penis with a knife.
How do you even put a blade to Spartacus?
You call your penis Spartacus?
Yeah, he’s been quite the pussy slayer.
“…started with a blade but finished with a knife”
So, while he was slicing, he never got to the “WTF am I doing” point?
Neighbors were alerted when the man started screaming.
What’s he screaming for? Ain’t no one responsible for his pain, nope, it was all him.
Might still do, no dick tho.
Joseph Mburu, the superintendent in charge of the hospital, who confirmed the incident said the man was in critical condition. He said…
“He has been taken to the theatre…we hope he shall recover,”
We hope he recovers too. A man needs to pee, right? Among other things…
Talking about shows, have you been watching Big brother Naija?
Yup. I catch the highlights and eviction show most times, started avoiding the party night since I know Tboss can’t dance and nobody wants to see Debie Rise in her razz jumpsuitshorts.
BUHAHAHA…that babe needs a stylist and a personality.
Nah, you can’t say that. Her personality is tied to her guitar. I agree with stylist tho.
Another person with zero personality is Bally. Homeboy has coasted through thus far without bringing an atom of entertainment.
Dazz how malo boys do, dem get mouth.
Who you rooting for to win though?
At this point, I’m not exactly sure. A part of me just wants to fuck with the ones considering themselves favorites (Bisola & Efe) and crown Marvis winner.
Ayee, I get that, she’s been the lowest of keys but she’s such a schemer.
Anyway, in another reality TV experiment, this time in Scotland…
23 contestants entered the wilds of the Scottish Highlands last March to live for a year, completely cut off from modern society.
What they didn’t know was the show had been cancelled in August after just four episodes.
I wonder why no one bothered to tell them.
LOL. Who would’ve taken such a responsibility? They’ll just use the person for sacrifice!
At the end of the one year period, only 10 contestants remained.
Channel 4, the station airing the show have however stated the remaining episodes will be shown later.
Can’t try this in Naija. First, no one will last a year, second, are you mad?
We know you already heard everything there is to hear about this huge L that was dropped somewhere on #IbadanTwitter earlier this week.
I mean it was discussed on radio stations and social media channels all through this week.
But just in case you didn’t…
ROUNDS coming through for you fam.
Anyway, ICYMI, there was a massive disruption that occurred on the interwebs earlier this week.
That’s how we all woke up on Thursday morning to discover that the greatest clapback of 2017 had occurred the night before.
People were going about their normal lives, Unilag girls were looking for unsuspecting men who would buy small chops and shawarma for them that evening…
Online vendors were getting ready to disappoint their customers…
People were gearing to campaign for TBoss to stay in the Big Brother house…
You know, it was just a regular day on the interwebs.
First it was just your regular Ibadan boy complaining about women coming after his multiple riches.
How can you finish eating my food and now you say you don’t want my love? My friend will you marry me?
And barely one hour later, said #brokeasshungrybitch clapped back like thunder.
I cried, actual tears, when I saw that shit.
If you’re wondering how she got his account number in this time of dire need, it turns out that bruh man over here gave it to her when asking for small chops earlier on.
But that’s not even the bone of contention…
It’s how viral the shit went.
I mean every single brand that was involved in the transaction came out trying to milk it dry…
FBN even dropped small change for the bae…
First Bank you can do better. But you try…
Isn’t it amazing how much chaos ₦5,000 can cause?
Right??? Who took the L for this one though?
I wanna say Ibadan. But then they denied the brother…
And so did every other tribe after that.
Looks like PabLo’s gon have to take this one on his own…
The brother had a few words.
Still gotta carry this L on your back like a Learner.
It was pure banter. And at the end of the day I’m glad that brands are starting to have brand wars and latching on to trends in social media to engage their consumers.
See that’s that shit we’ve been preaching for a bit.
Meanwhile, if you ever need social media handlers, you know where to find us.
Before we leave, imagine if this young lady didn’t have that clapback money; that vex money; that #Keepthechange money; that use-it-for-public-transportation money…
Right? Like imagine if she had to wait for Alhaji to send money before she clapped back.
Goddamn. I mean the backlash would still have been huge. But that response time was pure fire.
I don’t know though…with a couple thousand extra in his bank account, courtesy of ‘dating’ an independent woman, and a couple thousand retweets in his archives, I’d say Young Pablo came out on top.
Shey, I don’t know too many people who get alerts for the random tweets they dropped.
At the end of the day, we really just want to appreciate nkataa for having the best campaign we saw with regards to the situation.
And with that we come to the end of this week’s episode.
These episodes drive by so fast these days.
Diesel is now cheap. Must be why.
First off, today we learnt that you can claim to graduate from a certain university…
From three universities actually…
And ALL THREE can openly deny you…
And you’ll still get away with it.
Welcome to Nigeria, people.
This is really the land of opportunity. Anything can happen. And any body can be somebody..
All you have to do is put your mind and heart into it.
Also, lots and lots of money.
Next we learnt that there really is a Judas in every 12.
There’s bound to be a couple people ready to rat you out to the FBI for something as little as immunity.
What a punk. Afraid of a little prosecution?? Smh. Every leader needs strong willed men in his cabinet. Men that aren’t afraid of a little butt pounding during jail time. Men who will put their asses on the line for you.
LOL! That escalated quickly.
Karma is really a bitch though. This man was yelling for Hillary’s head on a platter just last year. Now look…
Then we learnt that if your right arm causes you to sin, cut it off!!!
And if your penis causes you to sin, gotta sharpen up that castration blade.
I’m pretty sure that’s not the solution to the problem, but LMAO! Okay…
Then we learnt that before you get on that plane to go to that remote location so you can be on TV for a couple months…
Please be sure to find out if the show you’re going to attend, and attempt to entertain in, is still running or it has been cancelled.
Nobody is going to give you change for wasting your time oh…
Ah, but if you go to Ibadan, someone just might.
Right, as we learnt in that last article, you just might be making a huge investment if you take an Ibadan girl out.
You might be the next Escobar, Mr. Pablo.
And that’s it from us this week.
Please be sure to join us next week for more of this outlandish greatness.
- SAHARA REPORTERS
- DAILY STAR