Terdoo and I have entered the building. Everyone please remain calm.
*everyone loses their shit* *mad heauxs throwing they underwear on stage*
Settle down people, settle down.
This week, like every other week, we bring you the top 5 news items, in no particular order, from around the world.
On Sunday, we heard/read about the medical doctor, Allwell Orji who jumped into the Lagos lagoon from the Third Mainland bridge.
I’m not exactly sure why this struck us all so much.
Maybe because it’s not the ‘normal’ XYZ hung himself in his room.
Yeah, this was more graphic as he was said to have told his driver, Henry Ita, to park his Nissan Sports Utility Vehicle (SUV) at the Adeniji Adele end of the bridge on the excuse that he wanted to pee.
Some said he stopped after answering a call.
Whatever the case, the doctor was said to have climbed the railings and plunged into the ocean.
Reports in the papers and on blogs say Orji was a staff of the Isolo branch of Mt. (Mount) Sinai Hospital.
We don’t exactly have any insights as to why he took his life.
His body has since been recovered from the lagoon.
Sad stuff. Please remember you are not alone. Get help.
Don’t worry, this isn’t a telecoms hotline. Nobody is gonna say “plis am on break plis” when you call.
Please get help. Thank you.
We apologize for starting this episode on such a sad note. But it gets better. Promise…
Today we’re gonna tell you about:
Bill Passer and first of his name.
Hero, Veteran, Legend.
5th President of the 4th Republic of Ghana.
Also an established Cabinet Maker.
The US Laptop Ban
And why Nigerians have to thank Chad.
Home to 5 million people, and
Current happiest country in the world
And Donald Trump
Failed TV Host turned President
Mark Our Words…Not Our Face
A Bill to prohibit Facial Mutilation has passed its second reading in the Senate.
…but feel free to remember our faces.
…yah especially when you’re mas…
Like Hilary during sexy time.
That’s quite the picture.
The bill is in simple English targeted at eradicating this thing called tribal marks.
Well, back in the day, that’s how people could tell where you’re from.
Thank God for little things like advancement.
Sen. Dino Melaye, the sponsor of the bill, said that there was no doubt that Africans of old used tribal marks as a means of proper identification.
He went on to state the ills that come with this defacing.
Literally and figuratively speaking.
“The irony of these marks is that it makes victims subjects of mockery by friends.”
“These people have been subjected to different reactions. Some have lamented the marks that are bequeathed on them as generational inheritance. They are emblems of dis-figuration.”
I’m just wondering what entered Uncle Dino when he decided that it’s this bill he wants to sponsor.
Yah, like who sits down and says “so yeah, I want to tackle the negative effect of tribal marks on the polity…”
“…because it reduces our face value as a nation and makes us less appealing to potential investors”
Uncle Dino must have had a bad experience.
Probably got some tail whose face was rougher than the 3MB road while under repair.
In this time of economic hardship, the focus is on tribal marks.
Are you saying it’s a bad thing? Children shouldn’t have to go through that uno?
Oh yeah surely I agree, and not children alone sef, I just don’t trust Uncle Dino.
Can’t blame you. With a surname like Melaye, how will you know when he’s not lying?
The bill was heard and has however been referred to the Senate Committee on Judiciary, Human Rights and Legal Matters to be returned to senate in four weeks.
Chale’s Oversized Cabinet
Change seems to be a recurring theme in today’s African Political Scene, am I right?
Apparently, but if anyone is learning anything from the African books of history, Change is not something you want in your country. Now am I right?
For the Ghanaian president however, when he promised change, he was definitely thinking actual numbers.
Because after winning them elections back around Christmas last year, he swore to deliver the largest set of ministers the country had ever seen.
I’m sure they thought he was playing.
Nana Akufo-Addo’s first act as president was to release the list containing the largest set of ministers the country has ever had.
That’s…a really good guess.
Yeah bro, it’s right there in both our scripts.
Appointing 110 ministers is ironic because his campaign was all about cutting cost and clamping down on corruption. I don’t know what one minister is doing with three deputies. Will two people be on permanent standby or what?
But mans is defending his stance.
Would love to see how it all turns out, you know?
At least he released his ministerial list in like the first quarter of his administration.
That’s more than some certain presidents were able to do, ahem…
And if the ministers actually deliver on Nana’s word, then that’s also more than some certain presidents have been able to do…
Don’t make it awkward. Buhari might be reading this.
No Laptops Allowed!
T’was a cold night for many a laptop as they were separated from their owners on flights to the US and the UK as the laptop ban came into effect earlier this week.
Flights from Turkey, Morocco, Jordan, Egypt, the United Arab Emirates, Qatar, Saudi Arabia and Kuwait to the US were affected by the ban.
The UK ban meanwhile affects all flights out of Egypt, Turkey, Jordan, Saudi Arabia, Tunisia and Lebanon.
What this means is that if you’re travelling to the UK and/or US and you tried to take that Macbook Air on the flight with you…
Hold on, you’re on to something there…
…You wouldn’t be allowed to use the air…
Even while you’re on…air…
Oh my God we’re killing it, get fire on these Roundabouts one time…
Anyway take a look at this:
The British ban applies to any device, including smartphones, larger than 16cm (6.3in) long, 9.3cm (3.7in) wide or 1.5cm (0.6in) deep.
Don’t worry, your regular smartphones will pass any of those tests.
They won’t pass the turing test though.
You sure? Ask Siri what love is and see if she won’t sidestep that shit with elegance.
When asked “y u do dis??” by the people affected, the US Department for Homeland Security cited attacks on planes and airports over the past two years.
They said they received intelligence that al-Qaeda is trying to plant explosives in electronic devices…
Apparently bombs have been hidden in laptops in the past…
Uhm…bombs have been hidden in soft drink cans too so, why isn’t soda banned on flights.
Wasn’t it banned with menthos one time?
Anyway, if you are banned from taking your laptop into any flight, you can always…I dunno, read a book?
Or simply…appreciate the miracle of airplanes in flight.
Do you see what Donald Trump and those Brexit people are doing to the rest of the world?
Smh… How can one find joy in this day and age?
Seek Happiness? Go to Norway!
If you just thought in your mind “I wonder where Nigeria is” then it’s like you’re living in a ball.
Right. The headline is “Happiest country” Is there anything to be happy about in the country? No tell me.
I even have it from my sources that the song “We are H A P P Y” has been removed from the list of acceptable songs at Nur/Primary schools.
Someone will smartly say “ROUNDS makes me happy”.
That’s true sha, I’ve been getting a lot of that lately.
Wow! Please focus on the news.
There’s the World Happiness report that gets published every now and then by the Sustainable Development Solutions Network.…
It was released yesterday and Norway won the top slot to become the 2017 Happiest country on earth out of the 155 countries ranked by the report.
I mean, what makes it a happy country? Are there like titties everywhere, no need to work, no traffic and free access to good sex?
Ummmm…not sure but “Norway has insulated itself from the boom and bust cycle of many other resource-rich economies,” said the report,
The rankings are determined by a handful of social and economic factors that “support happiness.
These are then listed as “gross domestic product per capital, healthy years of life expectancy, social support, trust (absence of corruption in government and business), generosity (as measured by recent donations) and perceived freedom to make life decisions.
That one, “trust”, will always keep us off the list.
Also the one on freedom to make life decisions.
Bruh, grown men still doing their mothers bidding up in here.
Can’t make life decisions in peace when you’re in Nigeria tbh.
Denmark, Iceland and Switzerland held the next three spots..
I hear there are mad ass babes in Iceland.
Where is the USA in this ranking though?
They dropped from 13 to 14. This may or may not be due to the election of the new president.
Remember that time Nigeria mistakenly made the list?
Must have been a mistake..
Wait wait! We have one more!
“No Words Please, I’m On a Diet”
Been a while since he featured on Rounds, no?
Right. I was beginning to wonder if he was actually working, for a change. Instead of constantly making a complete fool of himself.
Donald has refused to swallow his words on the topic of repealing and replacing Obamacare.
As if Obama spent all those years and all that time in meetings with people for nothing.
Okay, so here’s the deal.
On Friday, the Trump Administration received a major setback.
You see, House Republicans pulled their bill to repeal the Affordable Care Act, marking defeat on what was supposed to be one of Trump’s first major political achievements.
He literally bragged about it, people. Said he was gonna “repeal and replace”. Several times he was like…
“Somebody has to repeal and replace Obamacare. And they have to do it fast and not just talk about it.
-Trump, 24 January, 2015”
“Real change begins with immediately repealing and replacing Obamacare. What a mess.
-Trump interviewed in the Detroit News”
“When we win on Nov. 8 and elect a Republican Congress, we will be able to immediately repeal and replace Obamacare. We have to do it.
-Trump interview in Politico, 1 November, 2016”
” On day one of the Trump Administration, we will ask Congress to immediately deliver a full repeal of Obamacare.
-Trump, 3 March, 2016”
“Obamacare is going to be repealed and replaced. … You’re going to end up with great health care for a fraction of the price and that’s gonna take place immediately after we go in. Okay? Immediately. Fast. Quick.
– Trump, 22 February, 2016”
Shiiiiiii, we even got a tweet…
LOL, it’s The Donald. Of course we got a tweet.
And at the end of the day…
There has been major shade thrown at the entire process. LOL! It starts with this subtle recent upload and caption by Obama’s photographer…
Then moved on to less subtle statements about Trumps failure.
And then the subtlety just flew out the window…
Took it to his @. Ain’t no subtlety bih…
So far Donald Trump has not given us any reason to doubt his efficiency at running the ‘greatest country in the world’.
He really is making America great again.
Don’t do that. Don’t be sarcastic.
And so with that we come to the end of another episode of Rounds!
Aww, don’t be sad. We’ll be here again next week.
Before we leave though we’re gonna do a recap of the post, just to make sure y’all didn’t miss any of the gems we dropped in there.
So, first lesson we learnt was that Dino Melaye is a legend.
I mean why would anyone in this day and age still want to mark the face of an innocent child?
Identification? Tradition? Culture? Ignorance?
The westernization of the world has come to eradicate all of that. Fall in line please.
Well, I guess I have to agree. The culture of marking faces was as useless as that of killing twins.
Yep. Just as bad, to be honest.
No different from those idiots that give themselves face tattoos.
Well, the difference is consent.
Next we learnt that the current president of Ghana is a carpenter..
But instead of saving souls, he’s saving funds…
Or is he? 110 ministerial members of cabinet is no joke.
Time will Tell like the magazines…
Then we learnt that if you’re a member of the UAE, North Africa, and some of you other oil rich nations, don’t bother trying to take your laptops on any flights to the US or UK.
Meanwhile, we Nigerians have to thank Chad…
Highly crucial in these times…
Then we learnt if you really want to be happy, move to Norway.
Or Iceland. Dem hoes cold…
And last but not least, we learnt that if you’re a failed TV Host, you’re unlikely to succeed as president. It just kind of…applies.
And you also shouldn’t come and trash years of hard work because of your own selfish, stupid interests.
And with THAT, we come to the end of yet another good thing.
But we will be back next week to deliver the usual dose of outlandish.
May you live to witness it.
Till then we wish you peace, love and laughter.
- Culled from: