Have you seen the OBFW finale?
Ah ahn, greet them first now.
Good morning people. Welcome to Rounds Week 13!
Almost. Now, have you seen the OBFW finale???
Well, he does have a point. You need to go check that shit out. We have given you people more than enough time.
We cannot be judged for dropping spoilers anymore. It is about time we talk about that last scene.
Check it out. Don’t be told.
*peeks from behind camera* what please?
When is SE02EP01 dropping please? This is all we need to know?
I mean that is all that matters to me right now.
What matters to me right now is that you start this episode. We’re losing daylight.
You better come through with the plug for OBFW Season 2, big homie. This ain’t no game.
Smh. This man wants to die.
He’ll come through. Fret not. Let us begin.
The 13th Plague
By Governor Yari
Exodus: Special Edition.
Nigerians in Diaspora
A tale of despair…
On Drake and Wizkid’s videos
And Instagram certificates…
An Allegory on Blonde Wigs and Police Brutality
-By Kendall Jenner.
An Apostle and his money…
Are soon parted.
The 13th Plague
In developed countries, some things are natural occurrences…
Like y’know, the number 2 comes after 1…
Yeah, February comes after January…
LOL…and massive dryness comes after the harmattan.
Of course, with this normally comes several diseases, amongst which is meningitis.
But if you live in Nigeria, anything can happen, so no need to expect the worst.
Matter of fact, if you’re Nigerian, all that insurance and prevention bullshit is for the birds.
Who needs prevention when you have “God forbid?”
There has been a recent outbreak of Meningitis in the Northern part of Nigeria…
Thank God people went to get vaccinated.
But of course, someone had to speak on it…at length.
Enter Governor Abdulaziz Yari of Zamfara State.
Probably should’ve just shut up but nah, whom the gods want to make look stupid, they force to open his mouth.
And so it was that Governor Yari (which coincidentally means “head is not correct” in Yoruba) blamed the outbreak of type C Cerebrospinal Meningitis on the sinful activities of Nigerians.
LMAOOOO…what exactly is the correlation?
Why are people so dunb like this?
I know man, because, this is another level after ‘dumb’.
Ayeeeee..after the ‘m’ comes the ‘n’.
The governor further said that God had always sent strange illnesses which had no cure to torment the people for turning their back on Him.
Yari said: “What we used to know as far as meningitis is concerned is the type A virus.
“The World Health Organization, WHO, has carried out vaccinations against this type A virus not just in Zamfara, but many other states.
“However, because people refused to stop their nefarious activities, God now decided to send Type C virus, which has no vaccination.
I don’t know, like maybe he was there in the parlor when the lord made this decision.
“People have turned away from God and he has promised that ‘if you do anyhow, you see anyhow’ that is just the cause of this outbreak as far as I am concerned.”
How enlightening. Look at your Governor.
Man, this is some solid gold material.
What have we done to deserve these leaders?
The other day, there was a video of Fayose DJing.
That’s probably another hobby of his when he’s not stopping his entourage mid-trip to buy life necessities like roadside corn.
The Governor decided to spew some more ‘wisdom’.
“There is no way fornication will be so rampant and God will not send a disease that cannot be cured,”
Just so you know, this guy who isn’t right in the head is the leader of the Nigeria Governor’s Forum.
If this was a punishment for sins of fornication and the likes, then shouldn’t your colleagues be scared, sir?
200 persons have reportedly died from the disease while several others are receiving treatment at various hospitals and clinics.
Stay safe peoples. Meningitis
is pretty serious. You get also it from saliva or mucus.
So don’t be going around kissing strangers in no nightclubs. They might have just come back from that trip with Alhaji.
Ahem, just stay safe please.
Nigerians in Diaspora
Yeah we were all distracted by that senator’s instagram page.
Nevertheless, we feel this issue is still significant enough to be talked about and addressed.
They’re killing our brothers in India.
No we don’t mean they’re subjecting them to a lifetime of misery by forcing them to watch Zee world.
They’re actually killing our brothers in India.
African students are generally being attacked in India. Over the past year we’ve had two policemen suspended for being ain’t shit butt plugs and failing to stop the attack and several arrests had to be made when a mob…a fucking mob…attacked a Tanzanian student
in Bangalore. Over a car accident she wasn’t even involved in.
Shame. Bangalore sounds like a pretty dope place to go for a vacation.
Right. Also, last May, in what was described as a high profile incident
, a 23 year old student from Congo was beaten…
By Indian men in Delhi, over an argument.
And then last week, we got reports that Nigerian students were the new niggas in India. In Noida, Uttar Pradesh, five Nigerians were beaten and left seriously injured by a mob on Monday, March 27, 2017.
Before we begin, we’d like to give you a back story to the attack.
So a 19 (or was it 17?) year old Indian kid, who went by the name of Manish Khari, allegedly overdosed in his spare time. You know how teenagers abuse drugs recreationally.
Nothing serious. Just the occasional “your papa”, “your mama” retort to the narcotics every once in a while.
So mans takes it too far and jumps over the edge.
You could chuck it down to evolution simply weeding out the weak (minded), right? Natural occurrence if you ask me.
Who did the Indians blame for this misfortune?
The Nigerians, of course. Minding their own damn business.
They were initially accused of cannibalism. Like they barged in their houses to ‘examine their fridges for body parts’ of the dead kid.
Can you imagine how humiliated you would feel if someone forced their way into your apartment claiming you had a hand in your freezer?
And that, children of God, is how we got to the attack on our five brothers that happened on Monday.
What’s even more worst is that this happened a day AFTER they had been arrested by the police for killing the boy. And released for NOT killing the boy.
That’s probably what enraged the locals.
I think the actual shame here is the fact that when the students were taken to the hospital, the medical doctors refused to treat them
What about the hypocritical oath and all that nonsense…?
Whatever. What happened to that oath?
It doesn’t apply here, apparently.
Nigerians in Noida have been advised, by the Association of African Students of India, to stay indoors for a bit, until the tensions cool down.
You people should do and come back.
The world really is becoming less tolerant. Might as well come back home, right?
Please, please stay safe, people.
In entertainment this week…
We heard that Wizkid and Drake dropped another song. And Wizkid dropped the visual for that shit.
However, Nigerians were livid because Drake was not in the video.
Pretty dope visual though.
The video did go ahead to get a million views on YouTube
in its first day. Already pretty close to 2 million views. With or without Drizzy.
But Weezy baby loke loke said there’s no bad blood between him and Drake.
We really shouldn’t care whether he was there or not. It doesn’t matter if there’s no evidence that Drake and Weezy have ever been in the same room.
What matters is that our star boy is global.
Get on our level please. #Ojuelegba
In other news, today is the day we will find out who’s boss.
No TBoss slander please. I won’t take it.
All that online campaigning you’ve been doing, I just hope your fave wins.
Who are you campaigning for?
Ever since Uriel’s phat ass left that house, I’ve been completely uninterested in the recorded proceedings.
I’m rooting for Efe to win though.
Because if God be for you…Have you seen that prayer and fasting session for votes?
LMAO! It’s not by speaking in tongues please.
It’s only a matter of time. We’ll definitely be back to discuss this.
Meanwhile Dino’s Instagram is still popping.
We finally got our certificate. Praise the Lord.
How is this news in the entertainment section though?
Well, it IS entertainment, afterall…
In very unrelated news, Ackquille Jean Pollard…
Y’all might know him as Bobby Shmurda…That hot nigga…
…was caught trying to smuggle a shank into prison.
So he’s bagged a 4-year sentence for that.
Luckily for him, he’s already serving a seven-year sentence. And that shit finna run concurrently. So this nigga will be serving two prison sentences at once.
And they say men can’t multi-task.
In your respective faces…
That boy needs to put his head down and come out in time so he can give us another version of Fela’s legendary 2 step.
PEPSI Unites the Internet
It’s really not commonplace for you to see people on the Internet united for a cause.
Ordinary Big brother here, people want to break head.
But the reverse was the case this past week.
Yup, it was quite the week for those of us in brands and advertising.
One of those weeks you’d look back on and exclaim “What the fuck?!”
First, Nivea had to take a hit for their advert which sorta insinuated that white is the purest form/color.
That didn’t rub off well on some certain demographics.
And before anyone could scream “The Fuck?!”, they had to take them down.
Then, Pepsi decided to venture into sacred land and make light of a serious situation.
I don’t even know what they were thinking, like didn’t this script pass through vetting?
I guess they were trying to stick to the “Live for the moment” slogan.
Anyway, real quick, Pepsi shot a 2min 39 second video advert starring Kendall Jenner…
In the ad, some protest is going on, like a normal protest, but like…you know, multi racial. Not unlike the kind inspired by Trump. You know…
Kendall is at some photoshoot, but then leaves to join the protest. Few smiles here, fist bumps there and she struts across to the police side.
Of course, if this was reality, some cop might’ve possibly hosed her down as she approached.
But yeah, she gets to a cop and then…hands him a Pepsi, which he collects and drinks…and then the crowd goes wild with jubilation.
Nothing wrong, right? WRONG!!!
So, who knew that the secret to protest success was a can of Pepsi?
Who knew that the lives of all those lost in protests could’ve been saved if someone just remembered to bring a darn pepsi?
Fam, the internet went crazy…I mean part of the campaign was the slogan “Join the conversation” and join the conversation we did!
Pepsi eventually issued a statement apologizing for its oversight with the ad and for “Putting Kendall Jenner in the awkward position”.
Well, she won’t be the first Kardashian seen to be thrust in a compromising position.
What I don’t understand is why they are apologizing to Kendall for putting her in the ‘position’ as if she did it for free.
Did she not read the script?
I mean her entire agency should just sack themselves.
By…entire agency, you mean her mom?
I’m just patiently expecting one totally random tweet from a certain account.
You know my first experience with how sensitive commercials can be interpreted was that “Mama na boy
” ad by MTN.
LMAO! I remember seeing text messages from angry women asking all women to boycott MTN.
They eventually had to re-do the commercial.
But just look at how easily shit can be misconstrued when you have the right message but the wrong story.
Or the wrong storyteller.
Brands need to nderstand that this generation is too woke for certain isms…
And certain jokes can’t fly anymore.
We sensitive now. Sensitize yourselves.
Good? Good. Time to wrap this up.
An Apostle’s Mistress
…But not without giving you guys this gist
What you sew, you shall rip.
Naw, this gist is on fire.
So remember that episode
where we told you about Suleiman the Apostle. And his allegedly great exploits?
Well, just to provide a brief backstory, the Apostle was accused of being in an affair with a certain Stephanie Otobo…
By…a certain Stephanie Otobo.
Steph got pissed. Probably because she was earlier arrested for terrorism and blackmail.
I’m just taking a wild stab in the dark here but I call the ole “broke runs girl cum side chick makes unnecessary demands on apostle using blackmail” scenario. And Apostle calls her bluff…
And subsequently, the police on her…
But apparently now there have been some screenshots proving that Apostle was indeed transferring some money to the tune of at least…
LOL! I mean, business is booming, but being a Sony artist is probably still more lucrative.
LOL! Please don’t be deceived, you haven’t seen this?
Damn. Look at those numbers.
Need to switch Jobs real quick and become an apostle.
I don’t even know where to apply for the role of apostle.
Gotta have that heavenly link. You know…
Terrible how y’all have turned ministries into your private projects.
Jesus turned water to wine, y’all turn hard earned offering money to runs girl pink weave.
Miracles still exist today, apparently.
The devil is in the details though. Apostle might be guilty.
We await his statement on the issue.
Keep your eyes peeled on Facebook. Some overzealous, over-excited member is bound to post something in his defense.
Still back to this problem of us not holding our leaders accountable…
I mean, all men have sinned. But why are you denying and slandering? Are there no morals anymore??
Okay, so today the vital lessons began dropping when we heard that meningitis was punishment from the gods…
Governor Abdulaziz Yari coming through with the plug.
Seriously though, please go get immunized.
Or…just keep your tongues out of random people’s mouths?
I think that’s just generally a good idea. In life…
Next we heard about the attacks that have been happening in India.
The general message today is stay safe. Right?
Right. And don’t do what Jesus wouldn’t do.
Jesus wouldn’t go to India?
Are we telling them not to go to India?
Wait. Are you telling them to go?
Are we having an entire conversation off of just questions?
LMAO! Well, afterall we’re both Nigerian. This is how we communicate.
If you people are done texting each other emojis can you move on to the next moral?
Well we learnt that Drake was on tour so he couldn’t make it for Wizkid’s video. Or was it a family emergency? We’ll never know for sure.
We really can’t say if they’ve ever been in the same room before.
We really don’t know if that’s important.
We didn’t learn anything from that article to be honest.
Then we learnt that the removal of a blonde wig does not an activist make.
But Pepsi really is the solution to all the problems in the world.
I have a dream, that one day, I’ll hand a police officer a soda and not get my ass whooped.
Please don’t go handing any cans to no cops. They’ll probably shoot you 18 times because they saw you reaching for your weapon.
And last but not least, we learnt that we might have been funding some runs girl’s Instagram page with our tithe and offering all along.
Thank God my reward is in heaven.
We wanna use this opportunity to beg you people to fear God.
But last last, Apostle Suleiman…
With that, we come to the end of this glorious episode.
Remember to vote for TBoss.
Smh, haters will say she is dating Big Brother but we all know she’s gonna win.
Gonna be mad bants when she doesn’t.
Join us same time next week for more of this outlandish shit!
Till then, we wish you peace, love and laughter.