Yo, you heard the new Kendrick joint?
Bruh, that stuff is my opium right now.
Shit gets to me, it’s like skin deep.
I fucks with it man, deep in my DNA.
Yeah, I saw you vibing bar for bar as you walked in the studio, you must think you’re one rap god now.
Nah, I’m just a fore runner, dropping these hits like a Baptist.
Yeah, that’s why I announced the coming of the messiah.
I see, so you’re ummm, John?
Yeah, but if you’re David, I’ll be your…
This thing called heartbreak has different lifespan for different people.
For some, give them a month and they move on faster than a vehicle being chased by LASTMA!
For others, they may take their sweet time and recover like United has been trying to do since Fergie left.
And for the rest, we need 2 years to process the fuck out of how we lost the presidency! FFS!!!
We are just echoing the unspoken feelings of our former president Goodluck Jonathan.
…who recently spoke on the loss of his Presidency.
And the congregation was like…
He said he lost the 2015 elections to local and international conspiracies. He named the United States, Britain, and France as the conspirators.
He directly blamed former United States President Barack Obama, ex-British Prime Minister David Cameron and French President Francois Hollande for aiding President Muhammadu Buhari’s victory.
Who knew Barry had such interests in Nigeria?
I suspected when I saw how he licked his lips after meeting Aisha.
Aisha? That’s Buhari’s wife. Patience, you mean…and ewwww, no one licks their lips for Patience.
You’re right. That’s why all she gets is the fattest bone.
That’s a subtle brag for GEJ but that’s not even why we’re here.
LOL! I just imagined Ebele using that as a pickup line at the club.
“President Barack Obama and his officials made it very clear to me by their actions that they wanted a change of government in Nigeria and were ready to do anything to achieve that purpose.”
Why would Obeezy want Johnny out tho?
Maybe because Johnny just come.
*silence in the studio as the pun is spiritually discerned*
*Honeys in the studio begin to clap*
WOW! YOU ARE BRILLIANT!!! You know you’re going to have to explain this line tho.
Nah, roundabouts will get it. They’ve hung with us for so long, they know these things.
PS: We don’t really have honeys, but you can apply. Use the comment box.
“There was this blanket accusation that my body language was supporting corruption, a line invented by the opposition but which the media and civil society bought into and helped to project to the world. That was the same thing I kept hearing from the Americans without specific allegations.”
Well sir, maybe they had a point.
“…I was betrayed by the very people I relied on to win the election.”
Jonathan reminisced on his defeat in a new book, “Against The Run of Play”, which is authored by the Chairman of ThisDay Editorial Board, Mr. Olusegun Adeniyi.
The UK apparently clapped back to that accusation.
I mean, Fresh Prince William didn’t come to cast any vote on behalf of the royal fam. What you talmbout?
All we can say to this is a solid
But come to think of it, GEJ has said more words in this article than our present president has the past 3 months.
Do we even have president? President that cannot talk.
President that works from home, what do you call that?
Buhari Turns Blogger…
The president of Nigeria, who recently just came back from a medical trip…
Has told you people that he cannot come and die in office…
So he has decided not to die, literally, in the office.
Buhari it is revealed, shall now be working from home.
It’s not like he categorically told us because we cannot remember the last time we heard him say anything.
But reports reaching us indicate that baba has decided that he’ll save fuel and stress if he just works from the comfort of his house.
Please is his house not Aso Rock? And is the office not in Aso Rock? Like, what is the difference?
Atink, by ‘work from home’ he means ‘work from his bed’
Later my boss will be frowning face when I don’t come to office.
Abi o, president that is leading all of us, does he have 2 heads?
Later they will say we should follow our leader’s example.
Fam, it gets glaring by the day that this man cannot continue as president, why doesn’t he just resign?
Post that he has fought to get like 3 times, you think he’ll just step down?
Yes, please. Do like Optimus Prime and step down, transformer.
He’s taking this “I’ll die there” bants to another level.
Yeah, the heavenly realm.
In the Name of the father…
Guys, remember that time that babe came to tell you she missed her period?
And you were like “ah, where did you put it, try and find it?”
And she looked at you like “is this one not mad like this?”
But you were really serious, because how could her period be missing when you used double protection condoms and even fasted before the sex?
And ladies, remember when you weren’t really sure if it was Tunbosun or Jamiu that came in you because you received deposits at around the same hour?
Thanks to a Malawian -SA based pastor, you can now know EXACTLY the man who gets you pregnant.
Shepard Bushiri who is popularly known as Major One has introduced an anointed pregnancy test that will help his female members to know the man who got them pregnant.
“they can just use my accurate anointed pregnancy test. I speak the Word to those pregnancy test. The power of God will get in; they use my tests and God does something.”
I’m just a little bit confused. Should he be encouraging promiscuity?
I want to believe this is his own way of making the best of a rather dicey situation.
So, let me get it straight; church member goes-a-banging, collects sperm like a bank from different investors, jumps up and down to allow eggs to mix, gets pregnant and then asks pastor. “Yo, whodunit?”
What does he think this is? “Guess the father” gameshow on BBC One?
He was however quick to say his members should beware of spiritual husbands and wives that cause havoc in the spirit realm.
Because, of course, he cannot download the names of those ones.
Jesus needs to come please. These guys are making a mockery of his name.
If you read that and you went “Who?”, just close this page. You’re too young to be reading this shit.
Then again, you’re lucky. You didn’t get to be an R Kelly fan.
We, the members of that exclusive set, have been let down many a time.
And Mr. Robert Sylvester Kelly has just added one more screw up to his long long loooooooong list of screw ups.
When R Kelly isn’t busy being trapped in the closet…
(that’s not what it sounds like)
…or peeing on little girls.
(that’s exactly what it sounds like)
…he’s screwing other people’s wives.
No biggie there, right? I mean “I can take your girl” is actually the theme of many hip-hop and R’n’B joints today.
Lil Wayne and Drake actually have a song that goes by that exact title.
But R Kelly took it a step further and went for not just anyone’s wife. Nope, he went for the wife of the Deputy of the Sheriff of Mississippi.
The man really is a legend.
Hinds County Deputy, Kevin Bryant filed a 22 page lawsuit stating that his wife had an affair with Kels.
I believe I can fly…I believe I can smash your broad…
This gist is actually quite hot. The deputy claims that his (soon-to-be) ex-wife, Asia Childress…
(we’re gonna get back to that name later, promise)
…began her affair with the Bump n’ Grind artist way back in 2012 after attending one of his concerts.
LOL! The man has nobody to blame but himself. He let his woman go see R Kelly unaccompanied??
I mean if your girl loves Trey Songz and you hear that Trigga is playing in your neighborhood you gotta handcuff her to your wrist and melt the lock.
Not only did she allegedly go to smash Kels at the concert, she also ‘tricked’ a whole deputy Sheriff into quitting his job and relocating to Atlanta under the guise of furthering her career.
But apparently, she only wanted to be able to push Kels further down that throat.
Whoa! That escalated quickly…
The paperwork also includes photocopies of text messages sent between Childress and Kelly. A majority of the message threads are from unsaved numbers, but some are saved as “Sylvester,” Kelly’s middle name, or “RSK.”
Although, the lawsuit seemed to put all the blame on R Kelly for being a…uh, what was the word? A flirt?
Kels is accused of seducing Childress…
Even though Kels is not the one whose name rhymes with seductress…
…which led to her filing for divorce and causing Bryant “emotional, psychological and financial stress”.
Get yo shit together, Bryant. You got your girl finessed from you by a singing nigga. Take this L in shame.
As for you, Sylvester…don’t you listen to your own music?
At the end of the day we can all agree on one thing.
Nope, might smash the therapist’s wife.
LOL! What do we agree on then?
Nothing R Kelly can do will ever surprise us.
True. Anyone trying to argue against that would be presenting a stupid argument. Too much evidence to the contrary.
Ayy…speaking of stupid arguments…
LOL! This article though… I’m almost ashamed to present it.
But it’s too ludicrous to pass up.
Remember that time last week where we told you about Pregnant Serena and her grand slam game?
Yep. She managed to win that slam.
LOL! I guess that was the problem, for a certain Australian politician.
Meet Reverend Fred Nile MP, who genuinely believes Serena Williams should be stripped of the grand slam title she recently won because…get this…she won it while pregnant.
Meaning, according to him, that the foetus is already an entire person with tennis champion level skill set, and as such counts as a double partner.
“She was playing doubles in a singles tournament!”
- Nile screamed at the ‘Day of the Unborn Child’ protest.
This is what happens when you are mad and have no one to tell you.
Fascinating stuff really. So wait…I’m confused. Is he saying the foetus had its own tennis racket?
Gotta watch the replay to be sure.
Claiming “foetal personhood”, he said Serena playing tennis with another living being in her body meant she was unfairly advantaged.
I think he was saying this with respect to the argument that a fetus is already a living being.
Ah well, his being an anti-abortion advocate puts a whole new perspective to this entire topic.
I’m just gonna go ahead and say it. I, an intellectual, think the Reverend just might be stupid for this argument.
Praise the lord, brethren.
By this logic, pregnant women are eligible to two votes.
And two salaries. Since they’re two people working.
Wait does this mean sex with a pregnant woman counts as a th…
Nope. Nope nope nope! What is wrong with you??
I’m just asking. Just…curious.
Take your nonsense curious somewhere else my friend.
Smh. What a way to end this episode.
Still one of the stupidest arguments I’ve ever heard. Please don’t do that again, reverend. Thanks.
“Ain’t no morals bih”
– Jonathan, 2017
Yep, that was definitely the first thing we learnt.
We also learnt that Obama voted for Buhari.
Never mind all those details like citizenship and registration and what not.
Apparently, votes of confidence count too. Lol…
Votes for online polls too.
No wonder Buhari thanked Social Media in his vote of thanks.
Jonathan spills all this and more in his new book. Grab your copy.
Next we learnt that you can be president…
Like you can assign the assistant head boy to govern the school.
While you chill in the sick bay.
Man, it’s such a great thing being a Nigerian. We defy all the rules.
Then we discovered an alternative for DNA paternity tests.
You can even find out long before birth.
You can find out the next morning. Hallelujah.
With spiritual accuracy, you can determine the EXACT man that got you pregnant.
So to the confused, and promiscuous, we have found the solution to your fornication.
We present to you Major One’s Spiritual Paternity Test.
LOL! The funny part is this guy is probably cashing in as we speak.
Religion has always been big business.
And then we learnt that when R Kelly comes to your town, you hide your wife…
I mean we always knew to hide our daughters…
But it seems the man’s taste has grown.
Literally. But still not from the forbidden.
Ain’t nobody safe near this nigga.
One can only wonder what he’s gonna do next.
And on that gory note, we end this week’s episode.
We’re sorry we had to bring you that.
By the way, we could definitely use correspondents. So if you read this and you know items that could definitely have made the cut but didn’t, or…
You see anything you’d like to have us dissect, send it to us however you can.
We’d be happy to turn it into gold.
Till next week guys, it’s peace, love, and laughter.
- Sahara reporters