Ah, you won’t even let me land?
Started in the DMs now we’re here!
We know you’ve heard the good news, but we’re still going to loud it anyway!
Can’t it wait until we get to that segment in the ROUNDS?
Naw, had to voice my excitement before it even tried to bubble down.
At least now you people can stop with all that “Always a groomsman, never a groom” nonsense you were saying about the great Banky.
There are no Ls in Banky. Only Ws.
Okay, now we can get to the matters of the day.
Great. Congratulations Banky!
Terdoo, when is your own coming?
*leans cheek on fist* Come, you have started this early morning.
Hey, if I don’t tension you, who will?
82 Chibok Girls Returned
People of God, we bring you this great news.
Remember that fateful morning in April 2014 when we woke up too the news that 276 of our daughters and sisters who were trying to give themselves an education in Chibok were kidnapped before?
It was a nightmare on a global scale.
Even the celebrities that were usually unconcerned with suffering in Africa were woke on the issue…
Then the girls started coming back one by one…
First like 57 girls escaped.
Then we found 3 of them in some bush.
And now we have more good news…
And so it came to pass in the second year of our Lord Buhari that even more Chibok girls have been released.
The figure given to us puts it at 82.
Eighty-two Chibok schoolgirls have been released after successful negotiations between the terrorist group Boko Haram and the Nigerian government, the Nigerian President’s office said.
What happened to “We do not negotiate with terrorists”?
That was Bush’s administaration and look how that turned out.
Word. When it comes to our girls you better swap those prisoners.
A government official close to the negotiations told CNN the freed girls are in military custody in Banki, a town in northeast Nigeria.
They are to be transferred to the FCT, Abuja where medical checks will be conducted on them so they can be reunited with their families.
Why what? Why are they being reunited with their families?
No. No now. You can’t go around sporting the IQ of a crash dummy and be forming “I’m a TNC writer”.
Why are they conducting tests on them?
Well, they’ve been missing for to years. Some routine checks have to be done to make sure everything is okay.
Man, I’m just glad these women can finally be reunited with their families.
After all this time, (man, do you realise it’s been 3 years??) most of those families had given up hope of ever seeing their beloved daughters again.
Gotta thank the Buhari administration for continuing to administer hope.
Don’t you mean the Osiba…
“I am very, very excited with this development. I cannot even sleep tonight,” said Yana Galang, whose daughter, Rifkatu, was among the girls kidnapped.
All of this has occured to distract us from the fact that we don’t have a president.
It’s a welcome distraction to be honest.
But as we celebrate the coming home of our daughters, we would also like to say…
We still haven’t given up hope on the remainin 113 girls still unaccounted for.
But we are grateful for the progress made so far.
Banky W & Adesua Etomi Break the Net…and the Ice
Well, there’s no way you haven’t heard that Mr W and Miss Etomi are getting married.
Except you’re Buhari and you’re working from home with no access to a laptop, phone or general outside communication.
So yeah, only person who has probably not heard is Buhari.
We’ve also not heard from him, so that’s okay.
Anywayyyyy, Banky W – the Umbrella man.
The guy who can singggg but can’t dance and will not stop dancing in his videos.
Finally went on IG to reveal that he asked Adesua to marry him in February and she said yes!
Dear Susu (part II) In that time, I got engaged to you in my "made for you" music video… and by pure coincidence, we both got cast to get married in the wedding party movie.. but all the while we were the very best of friends. I guess, in our case, real life will now imitate art. I'm not sure what the future will bring, but I'm completely sure that I am ready to face it with you by my side. I pray that God continues to build me into the kind of man that you deserve. I love you Susu.. I feel safe and at peace with you. You mean the world to me. Thank you for agreeing to be my lover and best friend. Thank you for agreeing to be my wife. PS: The timing of this may make some people think this is promo for another video, or a movie. It isn't. Ironically, everyone who has seen us together in art, or in life, always insists that we have amazing chemistry. I guess you can say we have been hiding in plain sight. I fell in love with an Actress. Now my life is a movie. In February of 2017, I asked Adesua Tolulope Oluwaseun Etomi to be my wife. She said Yes.
What makes this story so beautiful is that both were co-lead stars in the famous movie “The wedding party”.
And now they’re getting married for real, for real.
Mahn, Banky landed himself some premium spice in Adesua mahn, she’s so fresh and so clean – the SI Unit of “girl you wanna take home to mama”.
Adesua looks like someone that doesn’t even fart, and perchance she does, it exudes a rosy fragrance.
The IG posts both dropped is another matter entirely.
I went to an event in 2015 and I suppose that was the beginning of something amazing because once banky saw me, he decided that he was going to be my biggest fan. He slid into my DM and sent the funniest message and that was how we became friends. At the time, I wasn’t interested in anything but a friendship and he was very respectful of that and so we stayed just friends for about a year and a half. Our friendship opened my eyes to a lot of things. Opened my eyes to the type of man Olubankole is and WHAT A MAN. WHAT A MIGHTY GOOD MAN. Olubankole, Your Heart is pure and good, to the very core. You are proof that God is real, you are proof that what’s on the inside is greater and so much more powerful than what we see on the outside and you are the evidence of what I hoped for. I bless God for entrusting my heart in your hands because I know it’s safe. You are everything i prayed for and so much more. Thank you for praying with me, fasting with me, always making time for me, laughing with me, and caring more about me than yourself. Thank you for being kind, loving and full of Integrity.
And i’d like to say one more thing. I’m SO SORRY that it took me sooo long to realise that it was you. It has always been you. It couldn’t have been anyone else. In February 2017, you said you couldn’t be without me and asked me to be your wife and I said YES cause I can’t be without you. It will be an absolute pleasure and one of the greatest blessings of my life to walk the path of life with you. Thank you for being who you are.
My goodluck charm, my King, my lover, my bestfriend.
I love you till eternity and beyond.
No, This Is not a movie.
Future Mrs W.
Look, if your man or woman is dropping a post for you on IG and they fail to obtain pointers from that thesis, then feel free to disown such.
Because your man/woman must be mad!
Did you see how she called him “Olubankole” See, until you get a girl to call your full local name, she doesn’t love you.
Adesua then revealed how Banky had slid into her DMs some time ago and she kept him in that friend zone for like 2 years.
2 years’ fam, isn’t that how long tont…nvm. Isn’t that how long some marriages last?
The lesson here is that you should slide into DMs and allow your DMs be slid into.
Sliding never hurt nobody.
Banky in his own post dropped major fire bruh…that line that killed all of us “…feels like we’ve been hiding in plain sight. I fell in love with an actress, now my life is a movie!”
THAT IS THE LINE OF THE YEAR!
DON’T ARGUE, JUST ACCEPT IT!
Almost certain we can do better tho…lol.
“I fell in love with a Nepa man, now my life is in darkness?”
“I fell in love with a policeman, now my life is a bribe?”
“I fell in love with an artist, now my life is drawing?”
“I fell in love with Buhari, now my life is missing?”
Hahahaha…Roundabouts, let’s see how creative you are, drop your Banky lines in the comments. We might just give something to the funniest.
Congrats Banky and Adesua, please invite us for the wedding (party).
The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) is considering applying for the seizure of apartment 7B at Osborne Towers, Ikoyi, Lagos…
You know, the apartment where we found the controversial $50 million.
I ean even foreign reporters were afraid to say they saw that kind of money.
Have you ever seen a man count so much hard cash he starts to sweat profusely?
Well, the update on this is that the money (and the apartment it was found in) has still not been claimed by anyone.
Nobody has come out with their chest to say “It is I. I won it”
And as a result of this, the agency has started applying for permanent forfeiture…
Since all of you are claiming not to know anything about all that cabinet cash.
“The anti-graft commission will soon initiate moves to seize the apartment 7B in Osborne Towers in line with its mandate.The circumstances surrounding the purchase of the apartment have been faulted by this commission at a Federal High Court in Lagos.
Therefore, we are set to invoke sections 26 and 28 of the EFCC (Establishment) Act 2004.”
So, we are not only interested in the cash, we want to take over the apartment. But we are awaiting the decision of the committee bring led by the Vice President.”
Sahara Reporters managed to get the full list of the occupants in that Tower. And guess who was mentioned as the owner of apartment 7B?
Chobe Ventures Limited (Controlled by Folashade Oke, wife of DG, NIA).
Why has this woman not been arrested, you ask?
This question beats the actual shit out of all of us.
Even Yakubu walked himself to the police station to confess with his chest.
So what is going on with you people???
Well the court’s deadline for the admission of ownership has elapsed so…
EFCC is considering applying for the seizure of the said apartment.
This is one of many many apartments that the EFCC has confiscated for corruption reasons in Lagos.
EFCC Abuja is still chilling though. Even though we know that’s where the real cash is.
So…this article was just to update you people on how these things work.
Gotta applaud EFCC Lagos Chapter for all the work that they’re doing.
Will amount to nothing if these people don’t take the necessary actions.
Ooni Reacts to Fire at Palace of Oba of Lagos
Last week, the video of the Oba of Lagos ignoring the extended hand of the Ooni of Ife flooded the Internet.
And the conspiracists had a field day dropping those theories like excited Physics’ teachers.
From “it’s because Ooni is fresh and likely getting all the vagina to the land” to…
“Nah, Oba of Lagos is on some Ray Charles shit”.
Whatever the true state of matters, there was sha an ignoring and someone left there with a plan.
Because days later, like in biblical times, there was an allovasudden fire that engulfed some part of the Oba of Lagos palace.
Oba should’ve known better than to fuck with the Ooni tho.
I mean, isn’t the Ooni like the spiritual head of the Yoruba race?
Let’s forget that he might be getting his groove on at Quillox with our Governor on some nights.
Not every time we have a Babyboy spiritual leader init fam.
However, as expected, the reports say the fire at the palace of the Oba of Lagos on Tuesday has nothing to do with the Ooni.
Kendrick wasn’t referring to you sir, you don’t need to be humble.
It’s okay to flaunt your fire dropping abilities.
The spokesperson of the Ooni’s palace, Moses Olafare, told our source Premium Times that the Ooni is unhappy with the fire incident.
But of course, very unhappy.
“We are not happy over the fact that the palace of Lagos king got burnt, we can only sympathize with the palace on the development,” he said.
“What happened is mere coincidence and should not be traced to the incident in Lagos, we send our sympathies,” he added.
Maybe that’s what they call the fire: “sympathies”.
You’re rude, if he didn’t see the first one, do you think he’ll see the next one coming?
What part of the country are you from again? Let’s be sure you don’t have accommodation in the lagoon.
FBI translator falls in love with Isis terrorist she was assigned to investigate
You’ve probably heard the phrase “Dick too bomb!”
But never could relate or correlate with actual happenings.
Well, our next story should help bring this home.
An FBI translator (Daniela Greene) fell in love with an Islamic State (ISIS) terrorist she was assigned to investigate.
No, this is not Carrie Mathieson, neither is it the next episode of Homeland; It’s real life and we are here for all of it.
Haha…how do you go to put mic in someone’s mouth and end up taking mic in yours?
Who even told you she tested microphone?
You think it’s by spiritual revelation that an entire American journo would travel to a danger zone and just fall in love? She collected abeg!
Daily mail reports that Greene had top secret security clearance and was assigned to investigate Denis Cuspert, a German rapper turned Isis recruiter who groomed violent jihadis.
Denis Cuspert was known as Abu Talha al-Almani in Syria.
Homeboy just decided to stop dropping fire lines and start dropping fire.
Greene, contacted Cuspert on Skype and they arranged a plan for her to travel to Istanbul, where the two would meet and marry before crossing the border into Syria.
Two weeks after arriving, she sent emails from inside Syria to an unidentified person in the US showing she was having second thoughts.
This must have been after a weekend of premium D. I know this because it happens to me quite a lot.
“I was weak and didn’t know how to handle anything anymore,” she wrote on July 8. “I really made a mess of things this time.”
The dick made her weak fam. Trussss me.
“I am gone and I can’t come back. I wouldn’t even know how to make it through, if I tried to come back. I am in a very harsh environment and I don’t know how long I will last here, but it doesn’t matter, it’s all a little too late…”
Because of Greene’s ill-fated relationship, it took the FBI ‘several steps in a variety of areas to identify and reduce security vulnerabilities in Syria.
She was sentenced to two years in jail, which is considerably less than other defendants charged with similar offences.
Sometimes you just have to put aside your purpose and your mission and acknowledge the potential greatness of bomb D.
I think that is all the moral upliftment we will need this week,to be honest.
Today we learned a bunch of vital lessons.
Right at the helm of affairs, bursting with vitality, is the first lesson of the day.
You can have a country without a president. And good things can happen while your leader is on the longest sabbatical of all time.
Who knew that a nation as volatile as Nigeria could function while its president is on constant Netflix and chill mode.
Interesting revelations really.
Then we learned that 50 million dollars in cash can be found in your apartment and you won’t be prosecuted for it.
Like we can know who you are and you can still be out there roaming free when you were clearly an accomplice in corruption.
Next we learned that Banky and Adesua are the new Mr. And Mrs. Smith.
You know, go from couple on screen to couple in real life.
Although this time nobody is snatching anybody’s husband.
Next we learned that when you ignore the hand of the Ooni, you’re just playing with fire.
Literally, and figuratively.
Don’t get your house gutted down by flames. Shake your Ooni today.
And last but not least, we witnessed the power of…
Some men will have you confused.
Others will have you betray your background and the ones you love for a few orgasms.
Smh. We really should stop being so stupid on national TV.
Too late. We have a reputation for it, really.
And with that, people, we come to the end of yet another episode of outlandishness.
We’ll be back next week with more. Promise…Tell your friends about us.
Till then we wish you peace, love and laughter.