Haha! Y’all were really wilding out in the news this week though.
Before we proceed, take a look at this…
Benin people will not chill this early morning.
I have so many questions. Did it come out of the coffin and lead the way?
Or were they directed by a voice from the coffin saying “Head east, 15 miles”?
I didn’t even have to read the full article to know it was my Benin people at work.
Before you brought that distraction, we were getting ready to complain about how you people went all out this week.
Hmm, just show them the headlines please.
Buhari to visit Nigeria soon
President to take break from medical tripping
to visit home country
See what black excellence
Has been up to lately
The Power of Social Media Vol 1:
How to feed yourself for life
DV rears its ugly head
Comes home to roost.
When a president needs to protect his eyes
During international meetings…
Buhari to visit Nigeria soon
According to our prophetic sources, it has been revealed that President Buhari might soon be visiting Nigeria.
This comes on the heels of his recent return to the United Kingdom.
You would recall that President Buhari did visit Nigeria sometime in March.
But had to cut short his visit at the weekend with promises to return sometime soon.
Meanwhile, in governance matters, Osinbajo assumes the office of Acting president while daddy is away, again.
See fam, this thing is already ridiculous and disgusting. Why do Nigerian politicians feel they must hold on to power, even when it’s evident they shouldn’t?
Bro, do you know the sweat and blood they shed to get there? Take Buhari for instance.
Yeah, I know it took him 12 years to get there.
Yup! 12 years a slave fam, and he finally gets it, do you think he’ll let ordinary (insert whatever illness you think he has here) stop him?
So he’ll rather die there? I mean, he’s so frail and clearly needs to step back from the weight of leadership. Me that when small catarrh comes like this, I become the baby in the house.
Ah well, they say you can lead a horse to water but not force it to drink.
Just as you can take the man to the Villa but not force him to resign.
Anyway, hope Osinbajo can make some sense of this country as is.
Funny how we’ve seen this scenario play out before.
Well, we wish him Goodluck.
Did Diddy Diddit?
What are your sexual fantasies bro?
Really? Are we doing this? Live? Like letting all these people know what I wanna do to them?
HAHA…I don’t know if I want to hear this anymore.
So I’m thinking ice cubes, a whip and some yoghurt…work with me here…
Ummm…no. I think we should move on.
Huh? You don’t want to know where the ice cubes go and from whence she will be suspended?
No thanks, I’ll like my spirit to remain pure.
Your loss fam. You asked.
The story here is that Tula’s uncle Diddy formerly known as Puff Daddy…
He should reclaim that name considering how he looks these days.
“Every step I take, I crave choc-late caaaake”
…Diddy is getting sued by his ex-chef for…get this…making her bring him snacks while he had sex!
No Diddy slander allowed here.
I don’t see the problem to be honest. I mean, did they have an agreement that stated the times she’d serve him?
Abi o! and we all know how mans get dehydrated and hungry after hours of thrusting
You. Thrust. For. Hours? WHAT A MAN!
Cindy Rueda, alleges she was required to cook for Combs during or immediately after sexual activity and that he would make comments to her about his naked body.
Diddy probably be like “mini diddy looking good right now, huh?”
Rueda claims that on more than one occasion she was “summoned by Mr. Combs to serve him a post coital meal”.
And when she entered the room, Diddy was “naked and asked if she was attracted to or liked his naked body.”
Baba casually sexually harassing lil miss Rueda.
Rueda said she was fired last year after being accused of theft.
She said she had taken a watch which Diddy’s housekeeper said was found in the garbage.
And y’all know Diddy don’t like dirty money.
So this might just be her taking her pound of naked flesh.
More like millions of pounds if she succeeds.
Nah I’m sure Diddy has this covered, he’ll probably drop some cool cash to make her go away.
A representative for Diddy dismissed the accusations, saying: “This is a frivolous lawsuit by a disgruntled ex-employee who was fired for cause.”
It’s those that don’t have money that will be dismissing accusations with words.
We’ll keep watch to see how this plays out.
For those of us that read, the word “nugget” is normally associated with wisdom.
But if you’re black and living in America, you can juxtapose wisdom with chicken.
And so it was that a chap who only wanted nuggets ended up getting the most retweeted Tweet ever.
Yup, he beats that legendary selfie that had Ellen DeGenerous and all them celebs.
Carter Wilkerson most likely had no idea what he was getting into when he contacted fast food chain Wendy’s asking how many retweets he would need for a year’s supply of nuggets.
They also most likely had no idea what they were doing when they said 18 million.
But just like that, a movement began.
Several brands hopped on the train as they saw a marketing opportunity.
Nigerians also got on it, trying to get their dream house, car and wife via RTs.
Trust us to milk the shit out of everything.
But to be fair, everyone milked it.
We’re talking Google, Microsoft…
Even Ellen herself had him on the show to call for a truce.
Meanwhile, Carter hasn’t reached that total but he now has the most retweeted Tweet of all time.
But that was good enough for Wendy’s, who have agreed to provide his lifetime supply of nuggets and $100,000 charity donation for breaking the record.
I know, right? Just by getting retweets.
We should put this into good use, you know.
Tula, how many comments for a raise?
We gotta take this break from the jokes real quick and talk about this sad shit right here.
Last week, a young lady by the name of Karabo Mokoena was declared missing in South Africa. On wednesday, however, her father called the search off by confirming her death.
Well, the man believed to be her boyfriend has been charged with her murder at a court in Johannesburg.
I speak for Yoruba boys when I say we might break your heart and smash the entire squad but we will never burn your body.
Not from the outside, anyway.
I thought we were taking a break from the jokes.
We are. This is serious business.
True. S.A has one of the highest rates in the world for rape and murder of women.
In the world. They’re not even local champions. Competing against countries like India where that abomination is breakfast…and still coming out on top is no mean feat.
We’re talking over 40,000 rape cases being reported annually…
And these are the ones that are reported.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a big problem here.
I mean since Wednesday people have really poured out their souls on social media.
Man, some of the stories we heard though. I had no idea it was that bad.
Fellas, no really does mean no.
Even if your heart is frozen solid, let it go.
If the lines of consent are still blurred, here’s an illustration for you.
We really should treat the women in our lives better, as men. All over the world, wherever you are reading this from, do better today.
LOL! Men are trash though. What would your woman do to you that’ll make you burn her alive?
I was traumatized when I heard it, I can’t even deny. I mean that is some savage, primitive shit right there. No woman should live in fear of that nonsense.
We are going to need a really light note to move on from this.
Somebody call Mariah Carey.
Wow. That was the best you could do?
Short notice. And I haven’t slept all night. Don’t blame me.
Excuses excuses. Don’t blame heavy eyes for your lack of humour.
Ayy, speaking of heavy eyes..
Do you see that man sleeping his ass off in the pic? Do you see him clearly?
You know him very well. President Mugabe. First of his kind. Quoter of Quotes. Maker of Memes. Dictator cum President amongst Presidents. King Kunta. It was he that let us hold a billion dollars in one note…
LMAO!!!! You’re so stupid.
Well, we all know what his face looks like when he’s awake, right?
“Yep. I’m up!”
“Why they always jacking ma style, Lord?”
Meanwhile, back to the matter at hand, this dude’s spokesman came and looked us in the international face and said his boss wasn’t sleeping no no no…
Oh yes apparently he was hitting back at critics who said they could literally hear his snores in the picture.
I mean it is so loud how deep the sleep is, the anointing is touching the guy behind him.
Image Credit: BBC.com
And everyone else is trying to unlook all that drool.
Impossible to hide that dark patch, Mr. Spokesman.
But Mr. Spokesman stood his ground, and insisted that no one accuse him of being asleep at public events when his eyes appear to be closed.
Saying King Mugabe is in fact protecting them from bright lights.
Promise, on my mama, we didn’t make this up.
George was quoted saying we should get off Mugabe’s schlong.
Not in those exact words.
But yeah, that was the general message.
George said Mugabe travels regularly to Singapore for eye treatment.
Then when he realised that wasn’t a good look he said “the rest of his body gets attended to” in Zimbabwe by a physician who is “not only Zimbabwean, but is actually black”
Beats me too, bruh. Beats me too.
George gave us a few quotables too…
“I feel like a failure when there is this reading that the President is sleeping in conferences. No. At 93, there is something that happens to the eyes and the president cannot suffer bright lights. If you look at his poise, he looks down, avoids direct lighting.”
Then he started drawing comparisons between his oga and the late great Mandela.
“In the case of Mandela, if you remember, you were not allowed to even use flashes whenever he was in the room. This is what happens at 93 and Mandela, I do not think lived as long as the president.”
As you would recall, Mr Mandela died in a private hospital in the main city, Johannesburg…
Ah well, if the leader of the free world doesn’t verify his sources before going to press conferences and spewing fake news, then we shouldn’t expect more from a mere spokesman.
Still, Mr. Spokesman, dun do dis.
Yet another case of effective leadership in Africa.
And on that note we come to the end of the episode.
But before we close the curtains we gotta do a quick recap just so we’re sure you didn’t miss any of the vital lessons we’re bound to have dropped over the last couple thousand words.
First lesson that came to our attention was the fact that you can be president…
And only visit your home country from time to time.
I swear every time I hear he’s popping out the motherland, this picture comes to mind.
“Just checking in guys…be back next quarter.”
“Oh you guys will soon be out of the recession?? Naiz wan naiz wan. Peace!”
Smh. Buhari better write the “How to President via email” manual before this great knowledge is lost forever.
Nah, we give you guys too much creative freedom.
Next we learnt that Diddy is still the staple model for black excellence.
Been in the news all week for all the realest reasons.
Still at the top of the Forbes list so its all good. Long as he knows what’s important.
Then for those of you who still say “It’s just Twitter”, we had to learn that you can turn your retweets to actual food.
Lifetime supply of nuggets, ma nigga!
Then there was the article that showed us that domestic violence is still a very real issue today.
And last but definitely not least, we learnt a huge lesson in PR and damage control.
You look us in the eye and tell us that this man is not sleeping? He’s resting his eyes?
Anything to keep the lights on, I guess.
Bullshit better pick up, cos we calling.
But they’re giving us dope headlines and humour material, so it’s all good.
We’ll be back with outlandish takes on the news again next week.
Till then it’s peace, love and laughter.
Don’t forget to comment. We only need 18 million to get a raise.
Shout out to Wetty Fap and Feyishayo. We know we can count on yours.
LMAO! 17,999,998 to go! We can do it.