And welcome to another edition of your favourite segment on TNC.
Why the long face though?
Well, I had my money on Juve yesterday.
Why would anyone bet against C Ronaldo in a Champions League final??
Well, he is hated just as much as he is loved you know.
LOL! Sorry man. And congratulations to every single Real Madrid fan on the planet.
Okay but this isn’t news any more. Let’s get to the real stuff for today.
We learnt a bunch of stuff this week, to be honest.
Including a new word. Thank you Donald!
Alright. Let’s get to the headlines of the week:
N. Kanu speaks
Nation awaits presidential reply
State of the presidency.
New word alert!!
Origin, meaning, and sentence application inside.
Trump Pulls Out
Would be a great headline..
If we weren’t talking about the Paris Climate Accord
The Pen-Is Mightier Than
The Sword…the bullet…
The towing van…
Since Nigeria isn’t working, Try Biafra…Yes?No?
Before now, you mention the name ‘Kanu’ and only one person comes to mind:
And with that name comes memories of Atlanta 96, a hat-trick against Chelsea and his time at Arsenal.
These days though, you mention the name and can you believe it, people ask which one?
Because there is now one Nnamdi Kanu.
This one however is the leader of the Indigenous People of Biafra IPOB, Nnamdi Kanu.
Recently made more famous by his incarceration and eventual release.
Since his release, the guy has been forming one kain leadership and speaker-in-chief of our brothers from the east.
Recently speaking with media guys (which is against the terms of his bail), he said the South-East needs to break out from Nigeria because the nation seems not to be functioning and can never function.
BUHARI, ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE THIS LYING DOWN?
LMAOOO, know what sir, don’t answer that.
Bubu be more silent than the lambs these days.
Kanu was speaking with Al-Jazeerah and also said concerning the flouting of his bail terms regarding interviews:
“I don’t care. I can’t go outside to call for a press conference. I can’t go on Biafra Radio to broadcast. I can’t allow large [groups of] people to basically congregate outside to see me … it’s like asking me not to breathe,” he said
That won’t be a bad idea sir. Can we ask that you…you know, consider doing that?
As far as Kanu is concerned, the Ibos in Nigeria have been severely marginalized. He said:
“I’m not allowed to contest for the presidency of Nigeria because I’m Igbo. I’m not allowed to aspire to become the inspector general of police because I’m Igbo. I’m not allowed to become chief of army staff because I’m Igbo.”
I thought it was because he’s not qualified, in the police or in the army, but I don’t really know these things.
LOL, he’s talking generally you piece of shit.
“What sort of stupid country is that? Why would any idiot want me to be in that sort of country?” he said.
As a result of this, certain states of the federation were issued a stay at home instruction by Mr Kanu.
This country is really just going anyhow.
That’s why he wants to form his own country now, at least they will have president.
I’m sorry, if you haven’t heard of covfefe, where exactly have you been on this planet?
Or are you the one digging foundation for Biafra?
Today’s your lucky covfefe though, as we are graciously going to fill you in on the covfefe.
First of all, you gotta pronounce it right.
Neither is it |COV-FEE-FEE|.
It’s |COV-FAY-FAY| and you’ve gotta say it with some gusto.
So yes, what does the word mean? This is actually the best part because covfefe can mean whatever you want it to mean!
So the next time you’re gobsmacked and not sure what to covfefe, you could insert covfefe into your statement and covfefe along like it’s covfefe.
Having learned that, what are the origins of the word?
Some minutes past midnight, In Washington, some nights ago, President of the United States – Donald Trump decided to pick up his iPhone.
Unlike Bill before him, he didn’t have Monica to chat up.
Unlike Bush before him, he didn’t have no new ammunition to order off eBay.
Unlike Barack before him, he didn’t have the downloaded edition of Homeland to watch.
Also none of his hoes had sent him nudes since the White House uninstalled all his messaging apps except twitter.
So to twitter he went and after letting out a yawn, he proceeded to type what has become one of the most famous tweets of his presidency.
Just when we thought none of his words would be remembered.
Trump tweeted: “Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” That was it. No more.
And so it was that his 31 million followers were highly baffled and left hanging.
Know the other funny part? The tweet remained active on Trump’s account for about four hours before being deleted.
It’s like his White House Staff don’t follow him on twitter.
Probably already fed up with following him around in the WH.
Conspiracy theorists postulate that Trump must have fallen asleep while typing and then his phone locked and staff didn’t wanna wake him up.
So no one knew his password? Did they try 1111 or password?
Eventually, we hear Jack Bauer was summoned and it was he who finally succeeded in deleting the tweet.
We cannot exactly tell you how he achieved this.
So yes, covfefe is now the official word for covfefe situations.
Various famous people like Hilary Clinton have already adopted the covfefe as seen in her clapback retort to another attack by Trump.
Trump Pulls Out
Still on the mistakes that leaders make…
Trump has gone from screwing up tweets to screwing over his country.
Well, we called it when he came into power. Didn’t we?
Donald Trump has announced that he will withdraw the US from the Paris climate change agreement.
In case you’re in the dark like we were about this Paris Climate Change agreement business, it is an agreement among the countries in the United Nations dealing with greenhouse emissions mitigation , adaptation and finance.
Basically, it’s the whole world coming together to agree to do their part to solve this problem of gas emissions and climate change.
There are 194 countries currently signed to this accord. Only 4 countries in the world aren’t a part of the Paris Climate Accord:
1. Holy See. (Yes, this is an actual country) And this is because they’re not a full member of the UNFCCC. They’re currrently just an observer state. And two years ago, they stated that they intend to join the UNFCCC just so they could sign the agreement.
2. Nicaragua. Who have their own plans to be 90% renewable by 2020. They currently contribute 0.03% of the world’s emission. and…
3. Syria. Well, because they kind of have other things to worry about. If you know what I mean.
4. United States of America. Because their leader is a total nut job.
Mother land Nigeria signed the accord in May this year, and the agreement is effective from 15th of June. That’s practically next week.
Bruh, even Russia thought the accord was a good idea fam…
And this one is pulling out like bachelors do.
When Donald was sending up this giant “fuck you” to Mother Natre in the middle of a rose garden in the White House, his excuse was… *sigh* Read for yourself…
“We don’t want other countries and other leaders laughing at us anymore,” he said
What? Is he upset because we made jokes about Covfefe?
Apparently, the man doesn’t like to be laughed at, y’all.
LOL! Bruh, none of this is.
Trump said the US could try to re-enter the deal under more favourable terms or work to establish “an entirely new transaction” – but indicated that it would hardly be of high priority. “If we can, great. If we can’t, that’s fine,” he said.
A joint statement was released saying ain’t no new terms bih..
White House says America will follow the lengthy exit process outlined in the deal, meaning it will remain in the agreement (at least formally) for another three-and-a-half years – taking us right up to the next presidential election in November 2020.
Good, enough time to boot him out.
But why wait till then? Impeach the man please. He clearly isn’t putting the interest of the people first.
You know a governent is bad when the common man knows everything that’s going on in the seat of power.
I mean Nigerians didn’t know what a recession was until we found ourselves in it last year.
What’s ironic is how the same man pulling out of the deal called for Obama’s head when he was urging international action on climate change…
LOL! The internet never forgets.
Well, other leaders have called for the head of Mr. Mirinda too…
You know, the Orange Man?
Oh. Right…And yes, yes they have.
World companies including Adobe, Apple, Facebook, Gole, HP, Intel, and Microsoft all took out full page ads condemning the action and urging Donald to have some sense…
Obama also came out with his chest to address Lucifer’s latest actions saying that the Trump administration has joined a small handful of nations that reject the future.
Of course there will always be those people who deny the truth because they have to feed their families.
At the end of the day, America, you voted for him.
We would love to tell you to “deal with it”. But to be honest, we’re afraid that this is just the beginning.
So goodluck. You have 3 more years of this man.
PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN TOWING VAN
No, apart from enter a woman and pee, tell me what else your penis has done for you?
This one time, I used my penis to map out co-ordinates at camp because we didn’t ha…
You what? Oh God…what exactly are you?
Anyway, while most of you are here carrying prick up and down, looking for who to give…
Your mates are using their own to move mountains…
A kung fu master Breaks world record by towing an entire helicopter with his PENIS.
Yeah, you read that right. It wasn’t a typo. Would have made more sense for him to tow it with his pens. But nope. There’s an “I” there. That really happened.
But duro na, the question is why? No rope in the area? No towing vehicle? When did penis become machinery for moving large items?
Don’t you use it to shift womb?
I don’t know of what you speak.
Well, this happened in China where a kung fu master who dragged seven cars with his penis has become a new world record holder by towing a helicopter even further with his manhood.
That’s one strong dick, my friend.
Ye Hongwei (whose name most likely means, mighty penis: “Hung weigh”) towed the heavy military helicopter with a rope tied around his genitals using powers mustered from his art of Tai Chi.
He dragged the helicopter over 10 metres (32 feet 9 inches) – beating his intended target of 8 metres (26 feet 3 inches). He was then given his world record certificate by officials representing the World Record Academy.
Speaking after his successful attempt, Ye Wei said:
“I don’t know why I struggled in the beginning. I felt a bit nervous and unsure.”
Sir, coudibee the penis had not been properly charged?
“But I mustered up the energy needed and started the helicopter moving.”
Fam, if this guy can muster energy to move a helicopter, can you imagine the energy he can muster to fu..
Shhhhh…you’ll get our female followers hot and bothered.
“I will continue practicing so I can break new records in the future.”
Watch someone write in the comments “I’m not a DJ but you can break my record anytime zaddy”.
I’m going to learn Tai chi.
Right right…You and I both. But we have to end this episode first.
Again, ladies and gentlemen, as you all know. All good things must come to an end.
That’s what you say when you cum quick. Isn’t it?
Something that I told you in confidence.
Haha! Well we have come to the end of this episode.
We leave you with a quick summary of the extra nuggets we found this week.
This week we learnt that Kanu isn’t bluffing when he talks about the clout that he has.
Asking Igbo people to stay home and not go out to make money and having them listen to you is no mean feat.
At the end of the day we can all agree on one thing when it comes to Nigeria…
We need to work on properly learning our lingua franca?
Next we learnt that while our lambo might be blue, our president is silent.
Then came the infamous insertion of a new word in our every day vocabulary.
Your leader of the free world decided to give us a lesson in English.
And also went ahead to undo the work of great men before him.
And last but not least, we learnt that the pen is mightier than the goddamn towing van.
So if your dad’s helicopter is stranded in some crater somewhere, you know who to call.
LMAO! The world is really coming to an end. Asian man doing great things with his penis. Who would have thought…
SMH! I thought I was the stupid one here.
Oh, make no mistake, nobody takes that crown from you.
I know a strong contender. LOL!
Okay, that’s it for this episode.
Oh and if you need to catch up on other episodes of Rounds, you can follow this link
Or just follow this thread:
Alright people, that’s it from us this week. Please tune in next week for more of this outlandish shit.
We love you guys! Especially those of you that leave comments for us to come back to.
Till next Sunday, we wish you peace, love and laughter.