Rounds Week 24: On Saraki’s Acquittal, Evans’ Capture, FRSC’s Psychiatric Tests, Ugandan Organs and more…

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Hey people!![/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Welcome to another episode of your favorite segment.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Don’t lie, you be feeling us die.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] I thought we had a rule of thumb not to blow our own trumpets fam.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] But it’s soooo hard.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] More reason why we should get someone else to do it for us.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”3″ photo=”yes”] Are we still talking about actual trumpets here?[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] I’m really not sure anymore.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] So what have we got for the people today?[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] You know just the usual local and international greatness that we have experienced this week.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Thank you Tula, for that Ugandan article.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Premium bants. Extra extra large, read all about it.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Meanwhile, still on this issue of bants, before we get into the major news of the day, we have to tell you about this new segment that started on TNC.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Enjoy. And tell your friends to tell your friends.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Safe to say the S stands for Savage, no?[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Sounds about right. And now…[/phrase]


The Headlines

It’s Dino again

Your MCM has come again

Saraki is Free, Evans is Not

We’re not too worried about the latter

The former..however

Buhari

An Update

The countdown continues

Psychiatric test for traffic law offenders begin July 1 – FRSC

Because many are mad…

And some are driving

Meanwhile, In Uganda…

Your third-world problems might be huge

But they might never be Uganda-huge


It’s Dino Again

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Officially tired of this guy and if next week, I see any news mention of him, I’ll just skip it.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] LMAO…well, I doubt the content guys would appreciate that.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] They can come and beat me. Why are we giving this guy relevance? It’s just beginning to look like Dino be doing all he can to stay in the news and have some form of continuous relevance.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] I agree with you tbh. [/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Tula your guy has come again.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] This time, he has alleged that Kogi State Governor, Yahaya Bello released N1.4bn for the ongoing move by the electorate in his constituency to recall him from the Senate.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] That’s a one and a four…Followed by 8 zeroes. [/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Say the zeroes out loud. [/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Yeah, it tastes much worse that way.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] As a result, there was an uproar in Dino’s constituency and his people are apparently tired of the disgrace he has become.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] As a result, they’ve decided to recall him from the Senate.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] It’s like when your community people contribute money for your school fees…[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] But then they realize you’re a piece of shit truant, and then decide to pull you out of school.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] E dey happen.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] He, however, assured his supporters that the recall will fail.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Just recently, his convoy was blocked by some protesting youths shouting “ole” (thief) while he moved around the state.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] But Melaye said he is convinced that Kogi state governor, Yahaya Bello was behind the move to recall him. [/phrase]

“Quote me …”

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] We’re quoting sir.[/phrase]

“Kogi State Governor, Yahaya Bello, has released N200 million for each of the seven local government areas in my senatorial district to facilitate my recall from the Senate”

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] He stated that his achievements in the Senate were huge and as such, the people of his constituency were solidly behind him.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Top among these achievements will no doubt be his graduation from an institution of tertiary education earlier this year.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] There was also that cringe-worthy Instagram video that made us all sad because our children will see that  when they’re reading through our history pages.[/phrase]

View this post on Instagram

Ajekun iya nio je

A post shared by Senator Dino Melaye (SDM) (@dinomelaye) on

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”]  …and let’s not forget to mention the launch of that abnormally oxymoronic book.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] *sigh* Quality comedy material. The Nigerian history is and will always be quality comedy material.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Pray for us. [/phrase]


Saraki is Free, Evans is Not

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] You guys remember the long court case involving Saraki? Well, it’s all over.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Like Eva and her fiancé.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Like Ibrahimovic at United.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Like egg.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Wait… egg? Wait…wow! Wow! You’re really stupid.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] HAHAHAHA…it was right there.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Look, there’s no need going into details here. Just learn the lesson that when it comes to Nigeria, different rules apply to different people.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] I mean, you can’t be the no 1 lawmaker in the country and get convicted for breaking the law.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Nah. Kolewerk.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Meanwhile someone needs to take this up. While the information about the Saraki Scandals is still available.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Is that what we’re gonna call it?[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] It’s only right.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] The level of hypocrisy in this government is lowkey alarming.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Highkey insulting. [/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Politicians that steal money to fund their lavish, opulent lifestyles and blatantly disregard the rule of law will get what is coming to them.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] On the flip side, if you have a knack for kidnapping people for ransom, you might very soon be nabbed.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] And unlike Bukky Sars, there’ll be no reprieve for you.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] In case you didn’t hear it in everyday random conversation last week, well…Notorious kidnapper ‘Evans’ was arrested over the weekend.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] TBH, before the news broke, I had never heard of the guy.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Probably famous in the security circles. Dude has been singing like a canary since his arrest, spoke on his victims, his modus operandi and the various amounts ‘made’ from the business.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] What I’m curious about is the institutions behind him, the support, the informants.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] You’re right. These cartels normally have very influential sources in the banks, police etc.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] I hope he keeps singing.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] “Evans the Kanary”.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] This Mr. Evans…[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] …The Kidnapper…[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] …We’ve heard so many reports concerning him. First we heard that he’s a very religious man that reads Psalm 23 everyday.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Yeah. Makes a lot of sense.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] I don’t know if it was probably after some of us had swallowed that dodo that some people decided to start campaigning for his release.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Now THAT is the interesting thing about this dude.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Apparently, people want him released. *turns to camera* Word?[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Literally had no idea who this dude was before now.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] It was after the police put a bounty on this nigga’s head that things got really interesting.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Like…3 weeks later we just saw hot gist.[/phrase]

https://twitter.com/NigeriaNewsdesk/status/875412636392841216

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Mans was caught in the house of his mistress.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Ah ahn, but you people said he used to read Psalm 23 everyday. What is he doing with a mistr…oh. Oh I get it.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] LOL! That’s not the valley of the shadow of death they were referring to, Mr. Evans.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Smh. Perv.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Didn’t actually see anyone on my TL asking for his release though. They were more like…[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] At the end of the day we hope he sings his way into a Grammy nod. The operations of these criminals need to be exposed.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Being kidnapped is no joke. Imagine someone telling you to bring money to get your family member back.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] *sigh*[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] We hope justice will be served but considering that…[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] …I wouldn’t get my hopes up. [/phrase]


Buhari

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Well, this past week, we heard he was scheduled to return, but wait for it…[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] His doctors had to quickly alter that as they have some important tests to still perform.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Come TF on! I don’t know why the man can’t just resign and focus on his health?[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Is there like some trophy you get for dying in office? He has an able deputy who might like photos, but isn’t doing too badly.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] I tire man.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Meanwhile your Minister for Misinformation came through this week.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Yep. I’m convinced.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Me too. [/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Moving on…[/phrase]


Psychiatric test for traffic law offenders begin July 1 – FRSC

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] LMAOOOOO…I thought we already agree that everyone driving in this Nigeria is mad.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Like! That’s our default and it’s part of the driving lessons you take.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] “Road rage 101 – how to show the next guy how mad you are”[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] “Road Rage 102 – the power of the stare down”[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] “Road Rage 103 – No give am chance to enter your front o!”[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Alas, reports say the Federal Road Safety Corps (FRSC) is introducing psychiatric tests on traffic law offenders in the country with effect from July 1.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] The FRSC spokesperson Oyeyemi said the test would focus on four areas of violations namely, use of phone while driving, traffic light and route violations as well as dangerous driving.  [/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] So basically, if you do any of these and are caught, you’ll first be tested to see if you’re mad.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] All of us will be guilty then.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] According to him, this is necessary as a result of continued violations in these areas.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] I try not to use my phone while driving but it gets hard, especially while in traffic.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] What were we doing while driving before phones came in?[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Sitting in the car, not driving?[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Oh yes, right.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Oyeyemi went on:[/phrase]

“We are worried about the continuous use of phone while driving, traffic light violations, route violations and dangerous driving”.

“We will resume the referral of all these offenders to various government hospitals for check of their mental state.”

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] LMAOOOO, they will now ask you at the hospital “why are you here?”[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] And you’ll say “I want to check if my head is correct”.[/phrase]

“We cannot continue to be having fatal crashes due to traffic light violations, people jumping the traffic lights, I think it is crass irresponsibility.”

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Oyeyemi said that offenders would bear the cost of the test in addition to paying the stipulated fines.[/phrase]

“The offender will bear the cost. When they confirm that he is fit, then he will go for retraining programme and pay the fine.’’

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Oh but he didn’t stop there, this FRSC guy now said we should embrace bicycles as a form of transportation.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] You know, because Keke NAPEP and Okada’s aren’t nuisance enough.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] He said…[/phrase]

“bicycling promotes clean urban transportation and physical fitness as well as aids with environment development […] we need to reduce greenhouse effects through control of emission control, and this is one of the ways to. […] There is no reason why I cannot ride bicycle from my house to the office which I will be doing once in a while. We should ride our bicycles which is another form of exercise,’’

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Bicycle from Berger to VI? Nah, this guy needs to take the mental test first. [/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] I agree. Something is definitely wrong with the brother.[/phrase]


Meanwhile, In Uganda…

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Okay so we’re opening a We-Can’t-Make-This-Up segment just for today.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] And what better news article to premier this part of Rounds than this one we have here??[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] None better, ma nigga. None better.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Ladies and gentlemen, we cannot make this up.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Absolutely cannot.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Press members of the parliamentary committee for HIV/AIDS in Uganda have revealed that lawmakers sat down to deliberate on the pertinent issues pertaining to the land.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] And at said meeting, they decided that the next course of action was to demand for the production of bigger condoms.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] The reason? The current condoms in production are too small for the sexual organs of their youths.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] UGANDA STAND UP![/phrase]
[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] If you don’t look like a tripod at full length, please remain seated.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=“2” photo=”yes”] The MPs had this to say…[/phrase]

“Some youth are complaining that the condoms that are being given, some of them are too short. Their organs can’t fit”

– Medaro Bitekyerezo – Mbarara Municipality MP.

“I have proved this, that people around these areas have got bigger sexual organs. And therefore, they should be considered for bigger condoms”

– Tom Aza – West Moyo MP

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] All the bragging rights gotta go to Uganda now. I mean for your lawmakers to rise up as representatives of your collective interest and say “We have bigger schlongs everyone, give us the XXXL condoms”, you know some heavy shit is going down.[/phrase]

“The condoms we are being given should be good enough to fit the organs of these young boys we have here”

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Word. Word.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] All I’m getting from this is don’t even bother trying to please Ugandan women.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Come on dawg. You know it’s not the size of the boat but the motion in the ocean.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] LOL! Ocean. Right. What is that simile again? As wide as the…[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] FOH! [/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Although, on the flip side, if this giant paynus myth is actually true, then they have a valid concern.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Cant cum and go and kill myself.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] I see what you did there.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Uganda senators have called upon the national drug authorities in the country to look into the issue properly and make sure that perfect condoms are produced for the country.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Vital. Very vital.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] And on this ridiculous note, dear Roundabouts, we come to the end of today’s episode.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] But first…[/phrase]


Morals

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] It’s always mixed feelings when that headline drops. Cos you know we’re about to close the episode. [/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Still…all good things must come to an end.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Before we go though, we will be taking out time to recount the gems we dropped in the post just so you don’t miss out on anything.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] First we encountered Dino Melaye…[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Again.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] We’re tired of the irony that is this man and the oxymoronic statements that he makes with his chest.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Please you people need to talk to your MCM. It’s enough, tbh.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] We don’t want to hear about him until he says he’s leaving that office. Thanks.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Next we learnt that Saraki has been acquitted of all charges.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] ALL 18 Charges.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] The War Against Corruption continues. LOL![/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Next we learnt that Buhari will soon be back. Maybe…[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Probably..[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] We are waiting.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Next we learnt that if you’re a traffic offender in Lagos, we will first be testing your sanity (or the absence thereof) before anything else.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Those of you who are mad and have no one to tell you now have someone who will break the good news to you.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Cue the FRSC. It will be their duty to inform you of your condition.[/phrase]

https://twitter.com/Mp3bullet/status/876357997303406593

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Might be a step in the right direction.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] And last but definitely not least…[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] LOL! You got that right![/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] We learnt that the Ugandan male organ is the largest in Africa.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] It’s the liver of African organs, if you know what I mean.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] It’s the Cello of African instruments…[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] The men in Uganda are rocking this shit down to here

*stretches and taps outstretched ankle*[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Right. Durex please look into this and supply only triple X condoms to that part of the world.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] LOL! Quite the valid concern.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Okay, with that, we draw the curtains on this episode.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Be sure to join us same time, same place next week so we can deliver these outlandish lines like we always do.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Feedback is always welcome. Let us know what we missed out.[/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”2″ photo=”yes”] Till next week, we wish you peace, love and laughter![/phrase]

[phrase editor_version=”1″ photo=”yes”] Later people![/phrase]


Culled from:

  • vanguardngr.com
Comments
  • Wallz

    Use bicycle? Is there some Tour de Lagos ish I’m unaware of? Biko if there is, (and only if they’re paying us, like some environmental awareness scheme), I’ll dust off my bmx and gladly participate…

    June 18, 2017
  • LMAO.
    “I want to check if my head is correct”
    PS: don’t read rounds nd eat dinner simultaneously. Keep d food one side fes. Else OYO for u.

    June 18, 2017
  • wetty fap

    Trump not in the news? that’s new.

    I like how you said “Minister of Misinformation” – Lie Mohammed

    Salute to Ugandan women, you are the real Kevin Durants

    June 19, 2017
  • Don Juan

    Awesome as ever!
    U guys are never tired of giving awesome rounds upon rounds. The undisputed humor (he)G.O.A.Ts
    U pro’ly read about a dude who mistakenly bought a range rover. I think it’s rounds worthy.

    As in, mistakenly bought a chasis range rover.
    No i’m not crying o, sth entered my eyes

    June 25, 2017
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