Welcome to another episode of your favorite segment.
Don’t lie, you be feeling us die.
I thought we had a rule of thumb not to blow our own trumpets fam.
More reason why we should get someone else to do it for us.
Are we still talking about actual trumpets here?
I’m really not sure anymore.
So what have we got for the people today?
You know just the usual local and international greatness that we have experienced this week.
Thank you Tula, for that Ugandan article.
Premium bants. Extra extra
large, read all about it.
Meanwhile, still on this issue of bants, before we get into the major news of the day, we have to tell you about this new segment that started on TNC.
Enjoy. And tell your friends to tell your friends.
Safe to say the S stands for Savage, no?
Sounds about right. And now…
It’s Dino again
Your MCM has come again
Saraki is Free, Evans is Not
We’re not too worried about the latter
The countdown continues
Psychiatric test for traffic law offenders begin July 1 – FRSC
Because many are mad…
And some are driving
Meanwhile, In Uganda…
Your third-world problems might be huge
But they might never be Uganda-huge
It’s Dino Again
Officially tired of this guy and if next week, I see any news mention of him, I’ll just skip it.
LMAO…well, I doubt the content guys would appreciate that.
They can come and beat me. Why are we giving this guy relevance? It’s just beginning to look like Dino be doing all he can to stay in the news and have some form of continuous relevance.
Tula your guy has come again.
This time, he has alleged that Kogi State Governor, Yahaya Bello released N1.4bn for the ongoing move by the electorate in his constituency to recall him from the Senate.
That’s a one and a four…Followed by 8 zeroes.
Yeah, it tastes much worse that way.
As a result, there was an uproar in Dino’s constituency and his people are apparently tired of the disgrace he has become.
As a result, they’ve decided to recall him from the Senate.
It’s like when your community people contribute money for your school fees…
But then they realize you’re a piece of shit truant, and then decide to pull you out of school.
He, however, assured his supporters that the recall will fail.
Just recently, his convoy was blocked by some protesting youths shouting “ole” (thief) while he moved around the state.
But Melaye said he is convinced that Kogi state governor, Yahaya Bello was behind the move to recall him.
“Quote me …”
“Kogi State Governor, Yahaya Bello, has released N200 million for each of the seven local government areas in my senatorial district to facilitate my recall from the Senate”
He stated that his achievements in the Senate were huge and as such, the people of his constituency were solidly behind him.
Top among these achievements will no doubt be his graduation from an institution of tertiary education earlier this year.
There was also that cringe-worthy Instagram video that made us all sad because our children will see that when they’re reading through our history pages.
…and let’s not forget to mention the launch of that abnormally oxymoronic book.
*sigh* Quality comedy material. The Nigerian history is and will always be quality comedy material.
Saraki is Free, Evans is Not
You guys remember the long court case involving Saraki? Well, it’s all over.
Like Ibrahimovic at United.
Wait… egg? Wait…wow! Wow! You’re really stupid.
HAHAHAHA…it was right there.
Look, there’s no need going into details here. Just learn the lesson that when it comes to Nigeria, different rules apply to different people.
I mean, you can’t be the no 1 lawmaker in the country and get convicted for breaking the law.
Meanwhile someone needs to take this up. While the information about the Saraki Scandals is still available.
Is that what we’re gonna call it?
The level of hypocrisy in this government is lowkey alarming.
Politicians that steal money to fund their lavish, opulent lifestyles and blatantly disregard the rule of law will get what is coming to them.
On the flip side, if you have a knack for kidnapping people for ransom, you might very soon be nabbed.
And unlike Bukky Sars, there’ll be no reprieve for you.
In case you didn’t hear it in everyday random conversation last week, well…Notorious kidnapper ‘Evans’ was arrested over the weekend.
TBH, before the news broke, I had never heard of the guy.
Probably famous in the security circles. Dude has been singing like a canary since his arrest, spoke on his victims, his modus operandi and the various amounts ‘made’ from the business.
What I’m curious about is the institutions behind him, the support, the informants.
You’re right. These cartels normally have very influential sources in the banks, police etc.
…We’ve heard so many reports concerning him. First we heard that he’s a very religious man that reads Psalm 23 everyday.
Yeah. Makes a lot of sense.
I don’t know if it was probably after some of us had swallowed that dodo that some people decided to start campaigning for his release.
Now THAT is the interesting thing about this dude.
Apparently, people want him released. *turns to camera* Word?
Literally had no idea who this dude was before now.
It was after the police put a bounty on this nigga’s head that things got really interesting.
Like…3 weeks later we just saw hot gist.
Mans was caught in the house of his mistress.
Ah ahn, but you people said he used to read Psalm 23 everyday. What is he doing with a mistr…oh. Oh I get it.
LOL! That’s not the valley of the shadow of death they were referring to, Mr. Evans.
Didn’t actually see anyone on my TL asking for his release though. They were more like…
At the end of the day we hope he sings his way into a Grammy nod. The operations of these criminals need to be exposed.
Being kidnapped is no joke. Imagine someone telling you to bring money to get your family member back.
We hope justice will be served but considering that…
…I wouldn’t get my hopes up.
Well, this past week, we heard he was scheduled to return, but wait for it…
His doctors had to quickly alter that as they have some important tests to still perform.
Come TF on! I don’t know why the man can’t just resign and focus on his health?
Is there like some trophy you get for dying in office? He has an able deputy who might like photos, but isn’t doing too badly.
Meanwhile your Minister for Misinformation came through this week.
Psychiatric test for traffic law offenders begin July 1 – FRSC
LMAOOOOO…I thought we already agree that everyone driving in this Nigeria is mad.
Like! That’s our default and it’s part of the driving lessons you take.
“Road rage 101 – how to show the next guy how mad you are”
“Road Rage 102 – the power of the stare down”
“Road Rage 103 – No give am chance to enter your front o!”
Alas, reports say the Federal Road Safety Corps (FRSC) is introducing psychiatric tests on traffic law offenders in the country with effect from July 1.
The FRSC spokesperson Oyeyemi said the test would focus on four areas of violations namely, use of phone while driving, traffic light and route violations as well as dangerous driving.
So basically, if you do any of these and are caught, you’ll first be tested to see if you’re mad.
All of us will be guilty then.
According to him, this is necessary as a result of continued violations in these areas.
I try not to use my phone while driving but it gets hard, especially while in traffic.
What were we doing while driving before phones came in?
Sitting in the car, not driving?
“We are worried about the continuous use of phone while driving, traffic light violations, route violations and dangerous driving”.
“We will resume the referral of all these offenders to various government hospitals for check of their mental state.”
LMAOOOO, they will now ask you at the hospital “why are you here?”
And you’ll say “I want to check if my head is correct”.
“We cannot continue to be having fatal crashes due to traffic light violations, people jumping the traffic lights, I think it is crass irresponsibility.”
Oyeyemi said that offenders would bear the cost of the test in addition to paying the stipulated fines.
“The offender will bear the cost. When they confirm that he is fit, then he will go for retraining programme and pay the fine.’’
Oh but he didn’t stop there, this FRSC guy now said we should embrace bicycles as a form of transportation.
You know, because Keke NAPEP and Okada’s aren’t nuisance enough.
“bicycling promotes clean urban transportation and physical fitness as well as aids with environment development […] we need to reduce greenhouse effects through control of emission control, and this is one of the ways to. […] There is no reason why I cannot ride bicycle from my house to the office which I will be doing once in a while. We should ride our bicycles which is another form of exercise,’’
Bicycle from Berger to VI? Nah, this guy needs to take the mental test first.
I agree. Something is definitely wrong with the brother.
Meanwhile, In Uganda…
Okay so we’re opening a We-Can’t-Make-This-Up segment just for today.
And what better news article to premier this part of Rounds than this one we have here??
None better, ma nigga. None better.
Ladies and gentlemen, we cannot make this up.
Press members of the parliamentary committee for HIV/AIDS in Uganda have revealed that lawmakers sat down to deliberate on the pertinent issues pertaining to the land.
And at said meeting, they decided that the next course of action was to demand for the production of bigger condoms.
The reason? The current condoms in production are too small for the sexual organs of their youths.
If you don’t look like a tripod at full length, please remain seated.
“Some youth are complaining that the condoms that are being given, some of them are too short. Their organs can’t fit”
– Medaro Bitekyerezo – Mbarara Municipality MP.
“I have proved this, that people around these areas have got bigger sexual organs. And therefore, they should be considered for bigger condoms”
– Tom Aza – West Moyo MP
All the bragging rights gotta go to Uganda now. I mean for your lawmakers to rise up as representatives of your collective interest and say “We have bigger schlongs everyone, give us the XXXL condoms”, you know some heavy shit is going down.
“The condoms we are being given should be good enough to fit the organs of these young boys we have here”
All I’m getting from this is don’t even bother trying to please Ugandan women.
Come on dawg. You know it’s not the size of the boat but the motion in the ocean.
LOL! Ocean. Right. What is that simile again? As wide as the…
Although, on the flip side, if this giant paynus myth is actually true, then they have a valid concern.
Cant cum and go and kill myself.
I see what you did there.
Uganda senators have called upon the national drug authorities in the country to look into the issue properly and make sure that perfect condoms are produced for the country.
And on this ridiculous note, dear Roundabouts, we come to the end of today’s episode.
It’s always mixed feelings when that headline drops. Cos you know we’re about to close the episode.
Still…all good things must come to an end.
Before we go though, we will be taking out time to recount the gems we dropped in the post just so you don’t miss out on anything.
First we encountered Dino Melaye…
We’re tired of the irony that is this man and the oxymoronic statements that he makes with his chest.
Please you people need to talk to your MCM. It’s enough, tbh.
We don’t want to hear about him until he says he’s leaving that office. Thanks.
Next we learnt that Saraki has been acquitted of all charges.
The War Against Corruption continues. LOL!
Next we learnt that Buhari will soon be back. Maybe…
Next we learnt that if you’re a traffic offender in Lagos, we will first be testing your sanity (or the absence thereof) before anything else.
Those of you who are mad and have no one to tell you now have someone who will break the good news to you.
Cue the FRSC. It will be their duty to inform you of your condition.
Might be a step in the right direction.
And last but definitely not least…
We learnt that the Ugandan male organ is the largest in Africa.
It’s the liver of African organs, if you know what I mean.
It’s the Cello of African instruments…
The men in Uganda are rocking this shit down to here
*stretches and taps outstretched ankle*
Right. Durex please look into this and supply only triple X condoms to that part of the world.
LOL! Quite the valid concern.
Okay, with that, we draw the curtains on this episode.
Be sure to join us same time, same place next week so we can deliver these outlandish lines like we always do.
Feedback is always welcome. Let us know what we missed out.
Till next week, we wish you peace, love and laughter!