Good morning people!

Come through girl you deserve ROUNDS tonight.

It’s too early please.

No such thing.

Because you’re practically married now, nobody will hear word again abi?

Word.

Beg your pardon? I didn’t get that.

Yeah. Exactly.

Smh. How are plans going for the wedding?

They want to frustrate their enemy. Not me. Haven’t you seen my #WeddingDiaries series?

On IG? Yep.

Bruh, I had no idea it was like this until I started experiencing it for myself.

It’s just one day bro. And after that we will all hear word.

Word.

Beg your pardon?

LOL! Such a fool.

Meanwhile, what do we have for the people today?

I was thinking we should just close the post here. I’m ashamed at the level of stupidity the Nigerian people have displayed this week.

Are you talking about the response to the Falz video?

Yes, and also that Evans photoshoot they were having.

LOL! Man, before we even drop the headlines, we gotta say a big “God forbid” to the reactions we witnessed Nigerians exhibiting this past week.

We all have to do better, amen?

Amen.

And now…

The Headlines

How We Nabbed The Kid

The Story of Evans Capture.

They caught him kid napping.

Beyoncé

Mama na boy!

Mama na girl!!

Buhari

Our regular weekly update.

As promised..

Hostile Takeover

What happens when you owe Nigerian banks

Details inside.

Kenya Burns Sex Toys

Our favorite country in the news

Coming through with the second L of the day.


How We Nabbed The Kid

The past week has been one long episode of “Around town with Evans”.

We are probably on episode 6 now and it’s almost hard keeping up with the notorious ‘gbomo gbomo’.

Evans has featured on various TV stations, magazines and newspapers all trying to spin a new angle on his story.

Policemen haven’t been left out as well, all taking turns to get a groupie (group selfie) with the star.

Of course, another angle had to be found, so this time, the head hunter ACP Abba Kyari revealed how Evans was eventually kidnapped caught.

Kyari let us in to the brilliant mental decision he made of ditching his vehicle for other alternatives.

The top cop said knowing the traffic situation in Lagos could delay him, he had to ditch vehicular movement for another alternative.

What a move! I mean, who would’ve thunk?

According to him:

“At about 1.30am (on Saturday), Evans and some of his gang members went out to a club around Ikeja and returned at 5.10am. So, we were very sure that would be our day.”

“I was resting when my guys called that the target was set; that it appeared he wanted to go out. So, I had to take Okada from where I was, to meet up.”

See what I mean? What a move!

Are you being sarcastic?

Well…

Kyari added that policemen must sometimes do “unconventional things” to get at their targets.

Is it me or don’t we all enter okada sometimes? Like this is “unconventional?”

HAHAHA…let policemen enjoy things.

“You won’t believe this, but it’s the truth. Do you know that when my surveillance team alerted me of the suspect’s presence at his Magodo mansion, I had no other option than to take Okada from where I was at Ikeja GRA to Magodo?”

Must be quite new sir

Kyari further revealed he had been tracking Evans’ for close to 10 years before they finally succeeded in arresting him on June 10.

Of course. Because if you say it was a 5 month search, people won’t believe.

Are you saying they weren’t hunting him for 10 years?

I’m saying it just sounds good to hear.

Eventually, they got to Evans’ house, he tried to escape and apparently kill himself.

But warning shots were fired and the guy stood down, and was promptly arrested.

Ever since, he’s been singing.

His wife, alongside her kids have also given us a cry video…

Mode 9 may want to consider a sequel.

There really should not be any mercy for kidnappers and their accomplices.

Nigerians need to understand that crime does not pay.

Ayy, speaking of…

Earlier this week, Falz came under fire for a video he featured in…

Not because his lyrics were bad.

No no. That’s never going to happen.

We will beg him to stop if it does.

But because they didn’t agree with the message.

And it’s not the first time’s talking about it. On that Wehdone Sir single he said:

“You day form big baller, you day chop bar. Meanwhile you are internet fraudster”

  • Falzthebahdguy, Wehdone Sir, Single.

He also dropped a line about it on My People.

“olosho say na business, who dey check whether it pure, yahoo boy gan pe ara e ni entrepreneur”

  • Falzthebahdguy, My People, Stories That Touch.

The man is clearly passionate about the yahoo yahoo business.

In the video, he took on a more serious tone when he posited that musicians cease the hailing of internet fraudsters in their music.

“Please stop hit. Has a hentatainer, sing about something da can epp awa laiv”

– Falz, the bahd guy.

And Nigerians…ladies and gentlemen…Nigerians attacked him.

You know not the struggle !! So why speak ill of it please , how many futures have the yahoo boys destroyed abeg! Shebi na judge they collect bribe for back even before court case and so na senior advocates never destroy futures ?? !! You speak of SOFT WORK ….only GOD knows your own definition of SOFT WORk and why is nobody coming out to judge you for that term SOFT WORK ..now person talk CHACHE you they complain shey na your lappy them they use ….Because you are privileged to shine with MUSIC and not the witty occupation called LAW full of lies and deceit …Let's take us back to the foreign music we listen to most of the musicians over there speak of drugs and ammunition just to tell the tale of their experiences but there wasn't any foolish advocate or whatsoever …MIND you every artist in this country is entitled to the kind of message they want to pass out there to their fans …so why complain bitterly out of ignorance …if you so want to help , first of remove the BHAD GUY in your name as it portrays a bad example to the young ones and please MR man avoid tapping ass In all your videos with those half naked girls !!! Check your self properly before throwing shades at anybody!! Many are out there unprivileged, unlike you born with a silver spoon from a better school in Nigeria to schooling abroad !! While the poor masses are out here hawking pure water just to send their kids to school and yet they are still been harassed by law makers like your self .. MY GUY the beautiful ones are not yet born as the country is full of corruption…even your PAPA gather do corruption if na lie ….make we investigate !! Many awesome Yahoo boys and kind hearted artist are at least using those money to open foundations programs and helping the poor masses !! They are the new generation ROBIN HOOD !! Stealing from the rich to feed the poor …at least BABA they don do something ……instead make you mind your state you they use media take they feed your hungry self with Pep talk …shebi na your mate send small boy go school still they build house for him parents ….how many people have you helped ?? BABA AMVCA with no lens ….

A post shared by DREAM CHASER (@segun_wire) on

Guilty conscience is worrying these ones.

Did he mention your name? Why are you catching sub on someone’s behalf?

Although, many people thought he made a very 9ice point.

And if the shoe fits…well…

9ice did respond to the allegation, making him look guiltier than he would have if he had just kept quiet.

Yep. I’m convinced.

Me too.

Frankly speaking, we here at Rounds feel like it is our corporate shared responsibility to call out bullshit when we see it.

And that speed dial button looking real friendly right now.

Haha! Nigerians really took the L with this one.

How are you people upset that this man said you shouldn’t encourage yahoo yahoo?

If anyone should be upset, it’s Gmail. I mean, the competition has been trending for a week now.

But really, it’s ridiculous how Nigerians think. Nigerians really believe internet fraud is a victimless crime?

If you had any idea of the countless lives that have been ruined by your fraudulent activities, you’d gain new perspective on why this is wrong.

This ‘victimless crime’ of yours has subjected Nigerians all over the world to embarrassment and unnecessary scrutiny because of our reputation.

And you think we don’t have a problem here? You’re on the wrong side of the moral compass.

We want to take this medium to appreciate Falz for putting a spotlight on this and triggering a conversation about this very important topic.

He might not be the one to bring about the change that we need. But highlighting the problem is definitely a step in the right direction.

Wehdone sir!

We need more musicians and more people in influence and power to stand up and call out the cow dung when they see it.

Thank you Folarin.

Moving on…

Beyonce

So it came to pass that sometime during the week (Father’s day to be precise), Beyoncé spread her legs and pushed out the two tenants that had previously occupied her womb.

What a nice way to put it. Not graphic at all.

Yeah, you’re welcome. Sometimes I feel I need to improve my story telling, but thanks.

Smh.

As you’re reading this, the sex of the babies might have been revealed.

Yeah, but as we are recording this, it hasn’t, so dun be angry.

Reports everywhere say it’s a boy and girl though.

Yeah, Jay’s gon’ be happy ‘bout that. He had said he wanted ‘a boy and girl’ in that shining song.

We’re just waiting for Bey to make the official announcement now.

Sources tell us we might need to expect a live show streaming only on Tidal.

Imagine if she now charges a viewing fee like say $1.

Just for people to watch. Mahnnnnnnn.

Anyhow sha, welcome Taiye, Koin, we’ve been expecting you.

I heard they were gonna be called Bea and Shawn Jr.

What kind of names are those?

What kind of name is Blue Ivy?

Touché.

Meanwhile…

LOL! Beyoncé happened.

Right. This is what happens when you marry a celebrity that’s just as big as you are.

Moving on.

Buhari

Unlike the twins, this one still never show.

We wait…

Hostile Takeover

In case you didn’t know…

Which…you should. But just in case you didn’t.

Our favorite telecommunications brand…

We’re taking about Etisalat by the way…

Remember them? Pretty hip brand, great network, great data connection, made Banky sing that 0809ja song we all grew to hate, etcetera etcetera…

Well, they have been taken over by ten major Nigerian lenders.

The lenders include, Zenith Bank, GT Bank, First Bank, UBA, Fidelity Bank, Access Bank, Ecobank, FCMB, Stanbic IBTC Bank and Union Bank.

GT Bank we trusted you!

Chuck it down to the recession bro.

The banks get a 45% stake in Etisalat.

The 45% that belonged to UAE’s Etisalat Group.

Power to the Nigerian people!

Abu Dhabi’s Mubadala still owns 40% of the company so…

The takeover apparently occurred as a result of the inability of the telecoms company to reach an agreement with the banks on the debt that they’re having.

Oh nothing much. Just a meagre ₦541.8 billion.

AKA one Ikoyi cupboard…

Since they failed to meet up, despite the fact that they’ve been charging ₦8,000 for 11GB…

And you’re buying?

You can’t put a price on quality data bruh.

That should be their slogan but alas, you can get unlimited data for like 10 grand now so…I’m gonna go with “God forbid” for that rate you just called.

True. The rate at which my data finishes has been outrageous! And their service has been pretty shitty lately! I mean damn! My YouTube videos never used to buffer before loading. Now it takes forever to watch an 8-minute video.

LOL! YouTube huh? Right right.

Shuttup!

Ah well…since they failed to meet up, on Tuesday, they announced a share restructuring which will see about 13 commercial banks take over shares in the company.

Look fam, even the CBN and NCC tried to intervene in the situation.

Considering how this move could scare foreign investors from even considering touching Nigeria, they were like…

But alas… All that intervention proved futile.

At the end of the day we’re all worried that they’ll run this network to the ground like Nigerians are wont to.

But we have our hopes up for the successful transition and continuation of the network.

Hopefully there’ll be no local retrenchment of staff.

Fingers crossed.

KENYA BURNS SEX TOYS

It’s been a while we heard from Kenya.

Homies took a back seat for just a bit to allow Uganda have its time in the spotlight last week.

But you can’t keep the Kenyans down now, ken ya?

Nah. Rubbing off on us the humorous way with their ridiculous news is their forte.

So, back at it, the KRA (Kenyan something something…we’re not quite sure) has burned sex toys and substandard goods worth more than Sh1 million, seized at Eldoret International Airport and markets in the region.

I’m just wondering what kind of person decides to burn such pleasurable items?

Ordinary toys.

Like! Someone cannot play with things again?

The sex toys were suspected to have been destined for colleges and universities in the area.

Well, I mean, students have needs, don’t they? Like heck! If they can’t fuck around, allow them play with toys.

“Some of the goods we destroyed are very harmful to health…the public must be made aware,”

Right! That vibrator might just orgasm you to death.

Or the dildo could break down the walls of your cervix.

That’s actually possible. Don’t joke about that.

Wanna share your experience?

Not really, no.

Let that hurt go bruh.

Otory said Kenya Revenue Authority (oh that’s what it means! You content guys need to do more work, haba…) and Kenya Bureau of Standards are together educating the public on substandard goods.

Stay away from Kenyan toys folk.

Wait. Are they saying the sex toys were substandard?

Beats me, fam. I didn’t even know that they could be substandard. I mean isn’t it just to put it in and bring it out?

Ahem. Please, some of us are in church right now. We don’t need to be thinking about that.

True true. Gotta keep the moral standard.

Ah, speaking of…

Morals

Ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the end of today’s episode.

We know how painful it is when we get to the Morals section.

But considering the fact that we’re Nigerians and we’re generally lacking in this aspect, this should be everyone’s favorite part of the show.

Let’s get to it.

First, today, we heard the story of how Evans got nabbed.

Apparently it had something to do with Okada.

Yes, the unnamed Okada rider was the true hero of the story.

Not all heroes wear capes.

Ironic how a multi – billion naira criminal was caught by what we can only assume was a ₦100 trip.

Sad stuff.

Next we learnt that Yahoo Yahoo doesn’t harm anybody.

Yep. That part was news to us, to be honest.

LOL! When I heard that I felt like I put my tongue in an electric socket. I was so shocked.

Join the club.

Those of us that know how wrong fraudulent cyber activities are will continue to speak against it.

The rest of you…well…

Enjoy. Your day is coming.

Then we learnt how Bea and Shawn were popped out.

Those names aren’t official yet!

LOL! Pshh. If the internet calls you something, best believe that’s your name.

Gotta point out how this week, we learnt nothing new on Buhari.

As usual.

It’s becoming tiresome to be honest. Can he just retire and face his hospital bed in peace?

Clinging on for dear life and still clinging on to power.

Because in Nigeria, power is life.

Then we learnt that if you owe Nigerian banks, they will come for you.

All 13 of them.

And they will take your shit.

All 45% of it.

Gotta say “Bye” to the Etisalat we’ve all grown to love. Because this new one is finna be the new MTN.

And last but not least, we learnt that Kenya is full of skinny marathon runners, corrupt politicians, and now…substandard sex toys.

Must be lit, being Kenyan.

Can’t even order a bullet off of Amazon cos they’ll probably seize it at the border.

Speaking of borders, Uganda is just a trip away.

Go get you some Ugandan Mandingo. Much much better.

You’re welcome.

Before we get out of here, if you’ll love to join the ROUNDS team (yes, we are expanding) and think you’ve got what it takes to present this outlandish shit in YOUR OWN FUN way, please hit us up in the comments with your e-mail address.

We’ll take it from there.

With that, we wish you peace, love and laughter all week long.

Till next week folks. Join us same time, same station as we bring more of this outlandish shit your way.

Later people!

Sources:

  • Kenyan Insider
  • Punch
  • E!
  • DailyPost.ng
  • Punchng.com

Responses

  1. Ifeduyi
    1+
  2. Wetty Fap
    not insinuating anything but living things issa jam sha.

    welcome back Kenya.. props to Uganda for the HUGE contribution in their absence but you can’t be more than what you are, ken ya?

    0
    1. Lucy
      Not just living things, that small doctor’s song too. Gberigberigbe….I dunno the title.

      On a more serious note, I don’t condone yahoo. The moral decadence in Nigeria is nothing to write home about, from teenagers who drop out of high school to partake fully in cyber crime to our grandpas in politics who hide our national treasure in Ikoyi cupboards.
      Greed is a cancer.

      Dope Rounds as usual. BTW You didn’t include Harrysong’s recent stunt.

      0
      1. wetty fap
        That small doctor song? Jam and a half. It’s “Penalty”

        This cyberfraud matter is a big issue. The country is even known for it in the outside world

        0
      1. wetty fap
        LMAOO.. Wow.. this spirit that is leading you tho, have you tried your hands in the psychic/prophecy industry? if no, pls don’t because you won’t make profit or probably declare bankruptcy.
        0
  3. dee
    0
    1. sirkastiq
      Stay away from this one Tee. Thank you Dee, I’ll mentor you purznally. I feel there’s some things I’ll need to show you
      0
  4. Ayo
    I’d love to join the rounds team [email protected]@gmail.com
    0
  5. v
    0

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