Good morning people!

I’m back by the way.

Yeah, I sorta noticed. Walked in the studio and there was that strong whiff of WTF that hit me.

You missed me, admit it.

Oh sure I did. It’s never fun being menaged-a-trois. Completely missed your manly ass. Yup.

I’m supposed t be the sarcastic one.

LOL! You obviously didn’t see Funmi and Debz in rare form last week. Wanna tell the people where you went?

Well, family responsibilities.

Nigga, you ain’t even have a family yet!

Had to go settle something major. Needed closure.

BUAHAHAHA! This is about Rihanna right? YOU WENT TO GET AN EXPLANATION?

I don’t see the joke…

PAHAHAHAHA…I’m really not laughing, so you saw the reports and pictures, got your ass on a plane and travelled to ask questions?

She wasn’t replying my Whatsapp messages.

Maybe because she doesn’t have your no, or you don’t really have hers?

She does. I do. We snapchat all the time…look dumbo, I’m not in the mood to explain, can we just continue?

Ok, Ok, but did you at least get the closure or hit one last time? Let’s ignore the fact you’ve never hit before. BAHAHAHAHA!!

You’re really having fun at my expense, right? It’s ok carry on.

Ok, I’ll stop. The headlines.

The Headlines

President Vs President (Act 1 Sen 1)

Produced and Distributed in Nigeria.

Grab your copy! Now!!

Or later. You know. No hurry…

Chyna Robs Kardashian

How to know when

to put the cape down

Kardashian Drama

When throwback Thursday goes wrong

What not to put on a tee.

Gender: Unknown

Might be a he.

Might be a she.

Might be both


President Vs President (Act 1 Sen 1)

Can you guys see what we did with this headline or is it too deep?

You think you’ve dropped like the puzzle of the year or what?

Well, except they figure it out. Anyway, there seems to be feelers reaching us about a possible lowkey impeachment plan.

Seems like the Senate president has plans to become president.

And this would happen if the Acting president gets impeached.

But what if the real president then comes back?

Real bawo? Someone that you’ve not seen or heard from, is that one real?

You’re right. Might as well be Ghost.

Right. So, the news is that the acting president had sent a letter to the senate for some appointments to be confirmed.

But the senate guys, who just returned from their 3 week Sallah break were still groggy and not really ready for work, so yeah they were irritated by Osinbajo’s letter.

They expressed displeasure over the failure of the executive to fully swear-in nominees confirmed by the Senate and sack those rejected.

Basically, they are like “why have you not appointed the ones we accepted and sacked the ones we rejected?”

Osinbajo probably like “because I’m the boss bitch”.

He’s a pastor, I don’t think he’ll say bitch.

Oh true “Because I’m the boss female dog!”

Yeah. More like it.

Secondly, the senators alleged that the Acting President accused them of not having the power to either confirm or reject individuals nominated by the executive.

Everybody with the one that is doing them.

Lowkey, these senators and Saraki are major enraged that Ibrahim Magu, the acting chairman of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) has not been sacked by the executive.

Magu has been rejected twice by the Senate but is still in acting capacity.

And as far as they are concerned, what an insult!

Oh yeah! Dino Melaye – the guy who’s facing a possible recall had something to say.

Why am I not surprised? Anything to take the target off his back.

Melaye advised Saraki to stop reading letters from the executive seeking the confirmation of nominees until the wishes of the Senate in the past were complied with.

“Mr President, let it not be heard that it was during your time that the institution of the Senate lost its powers. I want to move a motion to prevent you (Saraki) from reading any letter from the executive seeking the confirmation of any nominee. It should become abominable,”

Yen yen yen.

Buhari do you see what these people are doing I your absence?

You think Buhari reads Rounds?

Don’t worry, our fans will send him this sub.

You know if this happened back in Buhari’s day, you know back in 83, there would have been a coup since January.

Thank God we have calmed down. My money’s on Osinbajo though. Since he came into power I’ve finally been able to download and use Asos so…long live Yemi.

#Osinbajo2019. Spread the word.

Moving on…

Chyna robs Kardashian?

No it’s not the premiere of another show (Thank God!)

You don’t know this for sure though.

Kardashians have so much going on, it’s hard to keep up.

What we have here is a lesson. When the immortal philosophical prophet of our time fondly known as J.Cole told us “Don’t save her, she don’t wanna be saved”…

Some people decided to stuff their ears with hamburger earplugs.

Their mouths too, obviously.

And now you can see the result.

I mean, it’s no news that Rob and Blac Chyna didn’t work out.

Like Rob’s weight.

C’mon, cut the guy some slack; he’s been working his socks off to get in shape.

You’re right. Round is a shape.

You’re rude.

Again you’re right, and his socks business does seem to not be doing too bad. But yes, Rob seemed to have the mother of all meltdowns this past week.

Independence Day fireworks weren’t the only things blowing up this week.

We’re fairly certain Chyna’s hone did too. All the notifications that would have come in considering homie was all up on Instagram and twitter doing his best to shame Blac Chyna for her alleged unfaithful ways.

This was before he deleted his Instagram and pulled down that video he posted of Chyna in bed with another man.

Fvck nigga tendencies on full display. We had to DM him to man up.

I don’t know why he’s ranting now. Somebody has shown you clearly that she’s all about her paper and some good D and you’re expecting faithfulness?

Niggas too greedy.

I mean, it’s not like she said she’s now a saint. Aunty has been bussin it open on a regs it seems.

So Rob couldn’t take it anymore. Having been taking care of Dream (their daughter), shit likely hit the fan (possibly Dream’s shit) and while Rob was trying to get the shit off the fan, he had a Eureka moment and was like “fuck it. I shouldn’t be the one cleaning the shit off this fan…”

So he got his big ass fingers on his phone and started to leak Chyna’s nudes and write all sorts of revelations.

Those nudes weren’t A-grade. You could tell she just sent them to him like “Nigga, go cum real quick to these ones”

What a shame.

According to Rob, he paid for her Ferrari and tummy tuck after their baby was born on their anniversary. He wrote,

“Everyone wonders how Chyna lost all that weight after the baby and she lies to everyone but no I’m such a great Husband that on our anniversary I paid 100K to do this surgery to get all everything fixed as much as they could. And then guess what she did after she was all healed when I was by her side the entire time…”

What she do Rob?

“She left me and my baby which she had out of spite to get back at her other baby daddy. I can’t believe u would disrespect me like this.”

Such a damn shame Rob. We are really sorry about this.

I mean, you spent all that money on getting her in shape, when you probably could’ve, I dunno, spent it on getting you in shape.

Such a noble man you are Rob.

Such dope priorities.

Chyna did send Rob a video of some other dude in their bed, and they were lip locking nshit.

#PressPlay: Bruh they're getting an early start today 😩 #RobKardashian #BlacChyna

A post shared by The Shade Room (@theshaderoom) on

Maybe he’s into those sort of threesomes, we can’t even say.

You have a point.

I’m just like son, take your L and keep it moving. Chyna isn’t about to change. Accept it for what it is and focus on your dream(s).

Like you’s a grown ass man, no need venting to the entire world.

Seems like he’s taken his cars back though.

Looks like #RobKardashian is taking some cars back from #BlacChyna! 👀 #WSHH

A post shared by Worldstar Hip Hop (@worldstar) on

But you can’t nut in a woman like Chyna and think you’ll ever get rid of her. That child is gonna tie you to the woman like an umbilical cord fam.

Still, you’re doing great Rob!

And while this freaking breakdown was going on, what were his siblings oing?

Such a great family. Look at all the support.

There might be a business side to all this tho.

I know right? Can’t trust these Kardashians.

Mama Jenner gon call a family meeting and find a way to make some bread off of this. That baker…

Just watch. LOL!

Moving on..

Kar-Trash-ian

Still keeping it in the family, the Kardashians are at it again.

It’s actually the Jenners, bro.

Well, they all share the same surgeon. Might as well bear the name.

This actually happened last week. But it’s still super relevant even though we couldn’t squeeze it into the last episode.

So Kendall and Kylie released their first ever vintage T Shirt line and called it KK.

Kendall + Kylie.

They needed one more K to make the L complete. But I guess Khloe was too busy selling Ice Cream.

The sisters came…much like their predecessor. However, this time it wasn’t on camera. They came under heavy criticism…

Sounds like some really stringent conditions to be having an orgasm but I guess when you put your mind to anything, you can get it done.

But aren’t you just stupid?

No. This is all natural. Haha!

The sisters came under heavy criticism for the insensitivity of their designs.

All of the one-of-one shirts feature either pictures of one of the sisters or their initials superimposed on top of vintage t-shirts for rock acts like Pink Floyd, Metallica, or The Doors; or for rap icons like 2Pac and Biggie. 

The criticisms came especially for those last two.

How you gon put your trash ass pool-side selfies on an image of one of the greatest rappers of all time? How??

We agree. What was also dumb as fuck was not even asking for permission to use those pictures in the first place.

I’m sure while they were brainstorming for the launch they were like “they’re dead. So we don’t have to ask for permission.”

Everyone from Mama Notorious to Pac’s photographer came out with the guns blazing.

Basically…Delete all that shit Becky!

And so many people were in support of her actions. People were mentioning white girl names like “Settlement” and “Sue”.

Kylie and Kendall did apologize, as they’re so fond of doing nowadays…

Someone should make a documentary on their apologies.

I thought after that Pepsi ad she would chill like the refreshments she was selling, but still…

Smh.

Still on the Kardashians though, Jay dropped 4:44 last week and spoke to one of our favorite Kardashians:

Kanye.

We all knew things went sour when he ripped his album off Tidal to make sure it was available on iTunes, but we got a real taste of the Big Brother love when we realized Jay and Kanye were only work cool.

Safe to say we shouldn’t be expecting any Watch The Throne sequels after all the subs that were dropped on “Kill Jay-Z”.

Still, everyone needs to go listen to that album. If only for the hot gist that’s on there.

Aye, speaking of hot gist…

***

Earlier this week, we were woken up with headlines boldly emblazoned on the front page claiming that Evans the Kid had escaped.

LMAO!! My heart actually cut when I heard the news. You people let him go? After all these bants? After we had hailed the police for doing such a great job and catching this notorious criminal?

Appaz plenty people came with plenty guns and took him away.

Appaz…

Well, further investigation showed us that Evans the Kid is still in police custody and the Sun newspaper only made this claim because he was nowhere to be found during a visit it had made to the police command headquarters in Lagos.

But the same report said he was moved to Abuja from Lagos by armed operatives.

See why you need to verify your sources before you come online?

Fake news everybody, please remain calm.

Speaking of…look what your president tweeted.

The leader of the ‘free world’ beating up the press…

Seems legit to me. Not the wrong message to send across or anything.

What was hilarious about this whole fiasco was CNN’s reply to this brouhaha.

It’s interesting how far DT has sunk as far as public opinion is concerned. Everyone knows how this whole thing is going to end though…

Considering that we’ve seen it before.

***

Gender: “Unknown”

You know how usually when you give birth to a baby…

Or even before that, like during the scan for instance…

The doctor looks for a penis.  Right? Or the absence of one.

This usually determines the gender of the baby.

However, in the case of Searyl Atli, who is an eight month old baby born to Kori Doty, this whole gender thing is still unknown.

No for real, the baby’s gender is…unknown.

And no, it’s not like the sexual reproductive organ isn’t present, however undeveloped it might be.

But apparently, a penis, or the absence thereof, does not determine the gender of the child. Only the child determines the gender of the child.

This is breaking news, people.

Kori Doty herself…

Or himself…

Well, considering that he…

She…

It…doesn’t identify as male or female and prefers to use the pronoun “They”. And it…

They…

Right. They want to raise Searyl genderless until the baby has a “sense of self and command of vocabulary to tell me who they are”.

Don’t you miss the good ol’ days where you could just be a boy or a girl without having your parents bring in unnecessary complications like you being whatever you want to be?

LOL! No. I grew up in a Nigerian home. My mom wanted me to be a doctor.

Well at least she didn’t want you to be a woman. That would have been hard work.

Until the day Searyl is accountable and sound enough to know what the fuck…they?…are, he …she… can like to walk around in the dark wondering what he…she…

They…?

You know what? We’re just gonna wait for Searyl to grow up all by themselves so we can ask them what they are.

All these pronouns are giving me a headache.

Anyway, until the day Searyl decides “I’m a she!” their gender is going off all official records.

They said:

“I’m recognizing them as a baby and trying to give them all the love and support to be the most whole person that they can be outside of the restrictions that come with the boy box and the girl box.”

Unluckily for them , British Columbia (BC) has so far refused Doty’s request to have Searyl’s birth certificate issued without a gender marker.

I mean, what are we going to put on this record sir? I mean…ma’am?

But all those complaints don’t mean shit to Doty. Doty believes that people who want to change their gender afterwards in life have to go through a difficult process and instead believes in a world where everyone gets a third option from birth.

Which kain doty yarns be dis?

I’m curious though. What do our readers think? Should you be able to choose your gender? Should the gender box be left un-ticked until you decide if you want to be a man or a woman?

Go ahead. Spoil the comment box.

***

Morals

Today, dear people, we learnt a couple vital lessons.

And as is our usual practice in this organization, before the end of every episode we give you a recap of the gems we want to make sure you didn’t miss in the course of the post.

The first thing we learnt today was that your senate president is eyeing another type of presidential position.

The one that is currently being filled by the most photo-friendly acting-president of our generation.

You know who we are talking about. Roll tape.

Act 1 Sen 1 fam. Action!

*taps nose*

Next we learnt that when shopping for love…Chyna is no place to look.

And Instagram is no place to have a mental breakdown…

And sometimes, Ice Cream is more important that sibling support.

Where did you get that lesson from?

I watched Rob get robbed of his Asian possessions.

We hope the dude eventually gets over it and drops that mixtape.

Then we learnt something we already knew for a long time.

Kylie and Kendall are still trash.

At the end of the day, Mrs. Osbourne said what we all were thinking.

Also, we learnt not to listen to fake news.

This isn’t good for CNN. They won’t like this.

And last but not least we learnt that there’s male, female, and now “Unknown”.

Popularly referred to as They.

LOL! The gender should be called Legion. “For they are many.”

And on that note, we end today’s episode of glorious outlandishness.

Before we say our goodbyes, if you still want to join the ROUNDS team, we are still open so yeah, drop off your e-mail address in the comment box and await our mail.

Tune in next week for more of this quirky ass, snarky ass shit.

Till then we wish you peace, love and laughter.

That’s all folks!!

***

Culled from:

  • Pulse.ng
  • TMZ
  • Yahoo

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