Good morning people!

Welcome to yet another episode of ROUNDS.

Let us start by apologizing for failing to bring ROUNDS on Sunday.

Even though it eventually came on Monday.

We really apologize. It was really a situation beyond our hands.

The situation was reaching our knees.

Shout out to our fellow flood victims

Bruh, Saturday was quite the day wasn’t it?

Son, I don’t even want to remember.

Our deepest sympathy to all who lost anything in the floods. From cars to home appliances to loved ones.

Thank you. Wait. People died?

No no. Not that I heard of. But if your girl lives on the mainland she gone bro.

Right. All it takes is a nigga pulling up on her like “Girl, you don’t have to swim to my doorstep” and it’s all over Jackie…

The rains really redefined the definition of island. I mean we all thought it was a strip of land surrounded by water…

Not submerged in it.

But we thank God we are all alive.

I guess we can start now?

Yes, yes. Let’s begin.

***

The Headlines

I will run for Presidency – Donald Duke

Because the world needs another President Donald.

And President Duke sounds like an oxymoron.

Lula da Silva

What happens when the law works.

Nigeria, are you taking notes?

Beyoncé

Self explanatory title, really.

Just…Beyoncé.

Buhari Update

Smh.

Details inside abeg.

“God needs Dollars”

What happens when you don’t read your bible.

Someone reads it for you.

***

I will run for Presidency – Donald Duke

At this point, if yam says it’s running, I just might back it.

You could have used ‘egg’ in that statement and you’d have a brilliant pun, but no, you just missed it, opportunity gone! Just like that!

You do know we could edit this shit, like just delete that line and retake and no one would know, right?

Don’t be dishonest.

I’m Nigerian.

HAHAHA…look what we’ve become. Is this really who we are?

I’m also part American by the way.

Smh.

Former Cross River governor, and honorary member of the “baby boy club” of Nigeria, Donald Duke, has indicated interest to run for president.

This makes the news because it’s things like this we’ve been waiting for.

Yup. Not those ones that have names similar to fabrics and those gap toothed Maradonas.

So when is he releasing poster, campaign slogan? Where do we sign up to volunteer?

You’re in quite a hurry.

Do you have light?

No.

Well, that’s not enough reason?

Hell no.

Ok, do you have a president?

Wow. Low blow, fam. Low blow.

Duke contested the position at party primary level but lost out to Yar’ Adua I think.

But that time has passed away.

And so has that person.

Duke said he has the preference for the presidential seat and this is why he did not vie for any federal legislative seat after serving out his terms as governor.

He said:

“I do not have the flair for the legislature; standing up and sitting down at the chambers to raise a point.

“That is why I did not contest for the Senate but the presidency, after serving out my terms as governor. I have contested the presidency before; I will still give it a shot when the opportunity presents itself. I believe I still have the energy in me.”

Yes sir, and you speak and dress well too. Plus, we doubt you’ll go AWOL on us like some people that we know.

Please come and start running from today abeg. The seat is kuku vacant.

No it’s not.

Well, have you checked and seen Prof actually sitting in that seat?

Yes, during FEC meetings.

LOL. You dunno that’s the spare chair? Learner.

***

In Brazil, Lula Gets Time (And it’s not the magazine).

Meanwhile, in news from countries with presidents that actually work…

And are visible…

Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, a former Brazillian president has been convicted on corruption charges.

The two-term president has now been sentenced to nine and half years in prison but would remain free on appeal.

Nigerian presidents looking at him like “how did you get to court ma nigga?”

They probably texting each other right now like “Segun, what does sentence mean?”

“Ah, Ibro, I don’t know o, let me ask Johnny”

“Johnny, how are you, what does sentence mean?”

“Don’t talk to me abeg, delete my number”

LMAOOO!!

This is bad for Da Silva who left office six years ago with an 83 per cent approval rating.

The judge found Lula guilty of accepting 1.2 million dollars (3.7 million reais) worth of bribes from engineering firm OAS SA.

Sounds like some random oil deals that have happened here, but yeah, convict who?

Nigeria is just special. Is that not how they suspended the Health scheme guy because homie spilled some real tea on the state of HMO’s and Health provision in the nation?

I need a new country, this one is fully spoilt.

Can’t even put it in rice again because the rice is plastic.

I mean Nigeria, is it not your mate that just prosecuted this former president? Fellow 3rd world country? Wyd??

All of you are looking at Goodluck like “He handed over power so he should be granted immunity” like he didn’t lose the damn elections.

I mean!

Until Nigerians start understanding that there are consequences for their past actions…

…until former presidents get their very own negative press and have their entire families disgraced on TIME magazine…

…we’re really not going anywhere as a country.

Just a little PSA for y’all. Take a cue from Brazil.

Moving on…

***

Beyoncé

These days, we don’t even need to put the follow up headline.

Because Beyonce in the news is enough headline.

This time, the recently delivered Iya Beyji has released much-anticipated pictures of the twins!

Sir Carter and Rumi 1 month today. 🙏🏽❤️👨🏽👩🏽👧🏽👶🏾👶🏾

A post shared by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on

Yes people. They’re actually called Sir Carter and Rumi.

Of course, the Internet went a-buzzing as the pictures dropped.

I think people were just happy to see Beyoncé again, because it was just another picture to me.

Shhh, better don’t let the hive come for you.

The names ‘Sir’ and ‘Rumi’ are still weird as shit though.

Look beyond the natural bro, open your eyes.

What? You have some insight to these names?

Well, they’re twins, right?

Yeah…

Which basically means they were originally the same egg that split or something.

Yeah…

So we might be right to say they were the same person originally.

Yeah…

Good. Now we know Bey has been trying to get in touch with her Nigerian roots, with all the Ankara wearing, local style.

A post shared by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on

Well, if you say so…

So she didn’t want to name the twins “Taiwo” and “kehinde” as is popular here, so she took one name and split it in two.

Wait!

The story of the choice of that name is for another day. But yes, Sir and Rumi are just names from the root name “Sarumi”

You’re cancelled. Cancelled! I’m just going to do the rest of the show alone.

You fitn’t.

But seriously bro. Sarunmi? Really?

Genius, yes?

She revealed this to you in that your Whatsapp group abi?

Don’t hate. Speculate.

Smh. Moving on…

***

Buhari Update

They said he met with Prof Osinbajo.

The Prof says he’s doing good and in high spirits.

But he didn’t bring back any Snapchat video of him though, so we can’t be sure.

But the Prof is a pastor so we don’t expect him to lie.

He’s also a man.

He’s also a Nollywood president. And we’re still unsure when that “Acting” tag will be taken off and e can actually say we have a president.

I mean, I don’t remember the last time I wasn’t jealous of other countries when they show up on the red carpet with their respective presidents.

*sigh*

Anyway, Voice of America journalist, Saleh Ashaka Shehu, posted a picture of our beloved Daddy Bubu getting his chill on as his indefinite sick leave continues…

Indefinitely…

At least we know he’s still alive. Good good.

Moving on…

***

“God needs Dollars”

African clerics back at it again, doing the most.

Kenya?

Close. Uganda.

LOL! Literally, aren’t they like…neighbors?

Yep. You can stroll into Uganda from Kenya.

Apparently, the foolishness actually did.

The Anglican chaplain for Uganda’s parliament has been advising Christians who give their regular offering in shillings (the Ugandan currency guys, not the British one) to use dollars and pounds as well.

Ma man is thinking global.

Nigga out here like “Don’t put that broke money in the collection plate, nigga”

The Chaplain, Rev Canon Christine Shimanya stated this during a sermon at Namugongo Martyrs Church, just outside the capital, Kampala, last week Sunday:

“Some Christians have dollars and pounds earned from international conferences; instead they change the money to shillings before bringing it to church as offertory. Bring those dollars and pounds, God needs them.”

Somebody say amen!

These money-hungry ‘pastors’ all need to get their Akon on and get locked all the way up.

I mean, by all means, make your paper brother, but why are you dragging God’s name into it?

Another clergyman, Canon Henry Ssegawa, has come out to also drag his own, saying the church needs money with higher purchasing power.

Smh. So disappointed in our spiritual leaders on this continent. Running through so many Ls weekly has to be exhausting but they always find a way to make it happen.

And using God’s name to do it. What a betrayed…

***

Aye…speaking of…

LMAO! Remember how last week we brought you a short documentary on the life and times of Rob Kardashian?

Yeah that whole 808s and Heartbreaks session really cracked us up.

He’s deleted all those tweets and IG posts now but Chyna still had that blonde wig and some shit to say.

In response to Rob’s twitter fingers merrily leaking her lady parts on his social media, Chyna whipped out the rich housewife wig and lashed out at her ex boyfriend…

“How could somebody, like, post these pictures of me and I’m like, ‘Wow, OK.’ Like, this is a person that I trusted, I confide in […] I had felt comfortable, you know, with even sending these pictures and even talking to him about certain things, you know. I felt…betrayed.”

We feel betrayed too damn. Such poor quality shots.

You know the only person I feel bad for in this entire situation is Dream. Having to grow up to see her mom and dad feuding on Instagram over infidelity and such can cause some irreparable damage.

“Awks” – Blue Carter.

Anyway, still on this issue of infidelity, and by far one of the most bizarre news items we have ever come across…

Seems legit.

Gotta hear both sides though.

Well, at least we’ve heard one side.

Right. A certain 26 year old man by the name of Fidel Lopez has pleaded guilty (so he could escape the death penalty) to murdering and ripping out his girlfriend’s intestines after she screamed her ex-husband’s name during sex.

Well damn.

He still got slammed with a life sentence, but I’m super curious to know exactly what happened.

Well, Lopez, is said to have brutally murdered and molested 31-year-old Maria Nemeth at his Florida apartment back in 2015 after flying into a rage when she screamed her ex-partner’s name during a drunken sexual encounter.

You’re right. Seems legit.

Now I’m not saying he should have killed her…But I understand.

Okay Chris Rock.

You’d be mad too if your girl was screaming some other dude’s name while you were busy concentrating on laying the plumbing down right.

Well, clearly you were doing just that. Which is why you took her down memory lane and confused a sister. If anyone should be getting blamed, it should be you. Nobody asked you to deliver nostalgia-inducing nacks. That’s all on you bruh.

You say this because your woman hasn’t mentioned any other person’s name during coitus. You will flip!!

Flip flops. If she does I know it was a slip of tongue.

She better slip that tongue all the way back in, damn.

You’ve vexed sha.

I’m not saying he should have killed her, but I understand.

Lopez didn’t even get his story together properly before the cops showed up.

At first, he told investigators that they had been having rough sex when Nemeth went into the bathroom, vomited and collapsed.

Vomited her guts yeah. Right.

On getting to his apartment, officers said they found Lopez crying in the bathroom next to Nemeth’s body, which had been disemboweled.

I mean I would be crying too She just called out another person’s name during sex.

Not just another person. Her ex husband.

Who she had been warned severally to stop seeing. But didn’t.

You added that last part, didn’t you?

For effect. Works better for the “Women are Scum too” narrative I’m trying to run here.

Touché.

A large amount of blood was also discovered on the floor inside a closet, blood spattered in the bathroom and damage to the walls and doors. A police report from the time noted there was also ‘several chunks of bloody tissue’ on the floor inside the closet.

A police report from the time noted there was also ‘several chunks of bloody tissue’ on the floor inside the closet.

The brother was quite brutal with it, you know.

White people doing white people shit. Can’t take it away from them.

I guess we have learned that lesson today.

So…it’s time for our morals.

***

Morals

As is the usual fashion with good things, we have come to the end of this awesome episode.

But before you leave, here’s a quick recap of the major features in this post.

First we had the Duke of Calabar proclaiming his intention to rule the nation.

At this point anything is better than nothing, is it not?

I’ll take it. I will.

Next we learnt that presidents can actually get prosecuted after they leave office.

Lula da Silva found guilty of corruption and sentenced to jail.

“Wait, what??”

Speaking of, your former president’s WCW is facing trial in court in the abroad.

I hope you politicians are taking notes.

E fit be you oh…

Next we learnt that Beyoncé takes cultural appropriation to another level.

Yo, what if Bey is trying to tell us something? I mean clearly, Jay cheated, yeah? What if this was her retaliation and she happened to do it with a Nigerian man named…

You guessed it…

Sarumi.

Makes absolute sense. Jay won’t know what hit him.

Drops Lemonade April, 2016. One year later, twins.

“Now we’re even.”

And the brother won’t even realize it until they both grow up and none of them has big ass lips.

Damn. Conspiracy theory of life.

What I like about that family is the fact that they make us pay for knowing every single detail of their life.

Waiting for that book to drop when Jay finally retires.

You mean for real this time? Cos he’s retired like 8 times.

LOL! Right…

Next we learnt that Bubu is alive, at least. And still receiving treatment. And still president of the country.

Albeit remotely.

Goals, really.

Then we learnt that God needs your dollars. If you want a hard miracle, give offering in hard currency.

Seems legit.

And last but definitely not least, we learnt that you need to be careful whose name you’re moaning during sex.

Because it might be the last name you ever mention, if it’s the wrong one.

Another reason to only date black men. LOL!

I bet her ex husband was black.

LMAO!!!

Hey, somebody died. This is no time to make jokes.

Isn’t that all we do here? Tell jokes?

Fair point.

And with that, we come to the end of this episode.

Be sure to tune in same time next week for more of this outlandish shit.

Till then we wish you peace, love, and laughter.

Later people!

***

Culled from:

  • herald.ng
  • omojuwa.com
  • abc7.com

Responses

  1. Wetty Fap
    Round of applause for the early arrival this week.

    SARUMII!!! What a conspiracy theory.
    Kid’s been knighted from birth. putting pressure on the rich kid(BeyJay kids can’t be poor) to outperform the legendary ASAHD KHALED. smh.

    apparently, it is the God that yoruba people serve that does not gba owo or obi. the one in Uganda does not only deal in cash but in dollars and pansstalin.
    foolishness strolled in indeed.

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