Rounds Week 30: On Buhari’s Health, Donald’s Speech, Scum Men, And more…

Rounds

Join Terdoo and Sirkastiq on Rounds today as they give their takes on news items this week. Ranging from Donald Trump’s speech to Buhari’s get together. Read, like, share. And please, don’t forget to comment!

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Good morning people!

Welcome to another episode of your favorite section of TNC.

We’ve earned these bragging rights tbh. Don’t hate, meditate.

That sounded pretty cool in your head, didn’t it?

Sure did. Damn…

Okay so we’ve still not seen the president.

I mean, not in person, anyway…

(Y)our president showed up on social media for the first time in over 80 days…

Caption shoulda read: Buhari pictured with banana and friends…

I honestly think we, Nigerians, haven’t understood the power that we hold as people.

Ah well, enough about Buhari. Let’s go to the news of today.

 

***

The Headlines

More about Buhari.

You thought you could escape it?

He’s still your president, apparently.

 

Not Too Young To Run

Presidential Age Update, people!

This could make all the difference.

 

Sucking Saves Lives

More Progress on the war..

The War Against Cancer.

 

Donald Trump

And his war against Black.

Stay woke. And stay home.

 

 

***

Buhari Update

If you’re reading this now and Buhari is still not back, then congratulations.

Join us in the preliminary celebrations marking the 84th vacation day of your president.

I mean the 100 days celebration is going to be massive!

Other countries mark 100 days in office, but we are about to switch it up with the 100 days out of office celebrations.

Guinness book of records need to take note.

Activities to mark the day will include:

  • Who is in the villa? – a short dance drama to be performed by the Journalist Association of Nigeria
  • Musical chairs – who gets to sit in the vacant seat, participants will include the Ag. President, Senate President, Cabal representatives and Ben Moral Bruce

Among other activities…

We’ll bring you updates on official colors for the day and other details as it draws near.

Still on this, about 7 governors ‘visited’ Buhari recently and they claim he’s in high spirits.

They also claim he’s as healthy as fuck and is fit to return anytime soon.

Might interest you to know that Buhari has beaten the previous record of “longest absentee president” previously held by Yar’Adua.

Yar’ Adua did 79 days and then we all know how he came back.

But yeah, Buhari is still going…at least for now.

What me I don’t understand is how a president is so insensitive. Like if you’re healthy as you claim, how about you request a camera in front of you and let Nigerians know what the fuck is going on?

You know he thinks we are like his cattle so why should he even bother?

I mean, look at Sen John McCain who was recently diagnosed with brain cancer or some shit, he came out and told the American people.

But here they’ll say your head is not correct.

 

***

#NotTooYoungToRun

I’ve always known this tho. Been planning how to run from this country since I was born.

HAHAHA…nah, this is about election to public office. Now you don’t need to be at least 40 years to contest the presidency or 35 for Senate/Governor.

Pffft. How many people were 40 sef when they contested for President?

Let’s see. There was Tunde Anifowose-Kelani.

Bro, he was 50 when he was contesting for president.

Well, there was also Rafiu Salau?

He was 58.

Didn’t we have a female presidential candidate?

Yeah. Remi Sonaiya, 60 as at the time she was contesting.

I think the youngest at that time was Allagoa Chinedu, 46.

We did have a speaker that was 29 or so…Salisu Buhari or so yeah?

Well, like his namesake, he’s MIA now init?

True.

But on the whole sha, I get. The senate, during its constitution review voted for a reduction in age for office, among other things.

It is expected that the required age to stand in the presidential election will be reduced from the current 40 to 35.

5 years makes all the difference, you know.

To be honest tho, the problem really hasn’t been the age, it’s the resource availability.

Yup. How many people can afford the N10M nomination form, abi how much is it?

And how many are even given the chance to emerge from already arranged party primaries.

See yeah, we are not ready.

That’s just the way it is.

It’s funny though, but rigging can only really prosper when people don’t come out to vote.

If you find you a great candidate, it’s your civic responsibility to get your lazy ass out the house on election day and vote. Most people regard Election Day as a public holiday for some reason, and just proceed to stay at home.

Wait. It’s not?

See?

We have two years to the next election Please vote in the next man. We can’t continue to leave our future to these political criminals.

Word word…

We’ve had at least 5 different presidents who died in office.  It’s about time we picked someone who is dedicated to kicking corruption out.

As opposed to kicking the bucket…

Selah.

Meanwhile, in the news this week…

Jeff Bezos became the world’s richest man in the world.

Albeit somewhat temporarily.

Just look at this life. Bill Gates has no respect for his fellow man.

I like how they’ve left top 2 for the same people for a while now.

Yeah, everyone else is just looking.

LOL! For those of you who have left the fight for the top for these white men…

We have good news for you.

 

***

Sucking Saves Lives

Every day, we make progress in this fight against cancer.

Fam, I hope one day, we’ll be able to walk into our nearest chemist and buy ‘Panadol for cancer’.

Like, treat it like the headache it is.

Until then though, we are ok with the little strides we make.

Fam, I’m particularly excited by this one.

Of course, you are, you suck.

Indeed, I DO . Ladies?

According to someone who is NOT a doctor but a midwife (and that’s good enough for us), Madam Mary Azika…

Sucking your partner’s breasts often keeps away the risks of cancer.

Hallelujah!!

At a seminar organized by the Distance Education Students Association of Ghana (DESAG)…

Funny it’s called “Desag”.

HAHAHAHA I know right? Because they do.

Madam Mary (you blessed mother of Jesus) Azika said

 

“… the best way to prevent breast cancer is to encourage breastfeeding. The baby can be sucking; your husband can also enjoy it. The men can examine their wives’ and their girlfriends’ breasts. The men should also suckle the women’s breasts. Don’t allow your wife to get breast cancer. Sucking of the breast is also good,”

 

I just wanna state at this point that I completely support the motion.

Yep, I’m totally down for this.

Shey you know, you’re not expected to suck random breasts?

Where did she say that?

She said husband and wife.

So this thing doesn’t work for unmarried folk?

She didn’t say that.

Well then, I shall suck away.

No surprise. You’re full of shit.

Just as long as sucking is scientifically proven to prevent cancer, you know this hoover mouth gon’ get to vacuuming.

Smh. Men are scum.

Speaking of…

 

***

Men Really Are Scum

I think we’re going to have to start a new segment called the MAS Series.

Because every week, we receive news that just proves what these women have been yelling this entire time.

How can you people allow this happen?

I mean, what the actual fuck?

She’s 15 for the sake of fuck!

Even if she was twice that age, what the heck man!??

Police said the first attack happened this week in an isolated part of Birmingham’s Witton railway station, between 7pm on Tuesday and 2am on Wednesday.

The girl had walked to the station with her friend before being led away by a man who then raped her.

She left the station shortly after the attack and flagged down a passing vehicle to ask for help.

She was then raped again after getting into the second man’s car.

No, men are actually scum!

That wasn’t even the worst report we got this week.

Yeah, y’all going to jail. Then hell.

But first, jail. While you’re here on earth.

Obiamaka Ngozichukwu Orakwue was killed by suspected “area boys” who apparently wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Apparently they broke into her house through the window…

Fam, they took out the burglary proof, and proceeded to take her.

Forcefully.

And then they left her for dead in a pool of her own blood.

*sigh*

RIP Obiamaka Ngozichukwu Orakwue.

Neighbors who saw the boys scaling the fence to the compound notified her mother of the situation.

In her statement she admitted that Obiamaka had told her about the threat these boys posed.

 

‘I was at work when I got a call from our neighbour that they saw some boys jumping out from the fence of our compound and that my daughter was my responding to the knock on the gate since it was locked from inside […]

On getting into the house, I opened the gate with my spare key and dashed into the room only to find my daughter gasping for breath in the pool of her blood. I asked her what happened and all she could mutter was, ‘mummy…those boys I told you about’.’

 

She was pronounced dead at the hospital. She was put in the ground on Friday, but the culprits are still walking the surface of this earth.

Nah, they cn’t get away with this. Nah. No…

This girl was in JSS 2. People. How depraved can you be?

Her age and level of education are largely unimportant, as far as I’m concerned. Although they just go to prove the level of scumliness men can stoop to. But still no means no.

Why won’t we just accept it?

Why can’t we just take no and go your way?

We say we cos we have to take responsibility for our fellow men and vow to do better.

It starts with us. Stop being fucking trash.

Men are scum.

 

***

Trump’s Speech

Still on the subject…

Donald Trump basically gave cops the go ahead to pop more niggas.

After that speech, she just might be right.

He literally used those words. Okay…not literally, but if you typed what he said in Gizoogle, it might have returned the same answer.

Beloved, President Trump gave a heartfelt speech yesterday.

It’s not the first time the Leader of the KKK [Sub-Rosa division] would give a hate speech aimed at immigrants. But it’s the first time he’s doing it so explicitly.

That’s not a good sign.

In a speech to police officers, Trump repeatedly expressed his almost worshipful respect for law enforcement and vowed to destroy the “vile criminal cartel MS-13.”

Granted, those ones are some complete idiots but no be today dem start.

MS-13 been around since the 70’s.

Trump has formed this trend of going back to being the immigrant-hating, orange president of the free, and racist world every time he realizes his ratings are on a decline.

And it works for him.

It always has. That’s how he won, in my opinion.

But it’s no coincidence that the message in this speech is coming shortly after this dropped…

Well, black people better connect the dots and stay woke…

Or better yet, stay home.

Scum president. Always in the news for the wrong reasons.

 

***

Break Time

We are wondering how to break this to you.

WE ARE GOING ON BREAK!

Oh wow! That’s so…civil and considerate.

Might as well drop it, so they can start swallowing it.

Smh. Please forgive his manners, you see, there comes a time in every writer’s life…

Where he has to stock up on kente, do dreads and start looking like a hobo?

Ugh! No. When he has to step back, retreat to re-fire.

You’re beginning to sound motivational. You’ve been hanging around me for too long.

Really? I thought it sounded rather sexual. But okay…

Ugh. You disgust me.

Guys, we are embarking on August break, but unlike your president, we can actually tell you when we’ll be back.

Yeah, break is necessary to avoid getting jaded nshit, and also because someone is going to go away to have constant sex in some place not in Nigeria.

Hmmmm…

Anyway, shebi if you guys had responded to our calls for team members, we would have had…

Let it go fam.

Sigh.. so please bear with us while we take a break, we know you’ll miss us, we’ll miss you too.

And on that note, we end this episode.

Yep. No morals this week. You people have clearly not been listening to what we’ve been saying.

Tune in same time, same place…

…In September.

LOL!

Till then, we wish you peace, love, and laughter.

Later guys!

***

 

Culled from:

  • Vox.com
  • Thenet.ng
  • Yahoo.com

Responses

  1. Jude
    My own is sha do and come back in September… Don’t leave us as our dear president has decided to do.. There’s enough Going on in the world, we need rounds to keep us alive especially on Sunday.. Imagine not reading rounds for 5weeks… Oh God
  2. Steavihn-Uzochukwu
    Donald isn’t doing us any favours this week but then again he never does.
    Men are scum. Smh. Some people are just not right in the head.
  3. Reny
    That lady that does TNC newsletter, come n show these two guyz how far. She’s lit too
    Seriously, Will milz both of u. First time commenting but i love rounds.
  4. Mrs B
    Wait…what??? No ROUNDS till September?? No way!!!! I’m upset…
    If the “guys” are going to have holy matrimonial “nacks” for a month, why not let the “girls” take over? No? Debloww? No? Ugggghhhh!
    That being said, Congratulations to Sirkastiq tho.
    I’m still upset!😠😠☹

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