Rounds Week 36: On Buhari’s Return, New JAMB scores, Hurricane Harvey, and more..

Rounds

Terdoo and Sirkastiq return from vacation with their usual dose of the week’s outlandishness.

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Hey Hey Hey! How’s everyone doing?

Kinda dusty in here!

Well, the last time we were up, it was Week 30.

Awwww, we know you missed us. To be entirely honest, we missed you too.

Yeah, I mean, you don’t know how much we wanted to sit in front of our laptops, scout news, and then use all of 3 hours trying to decide which should make the Rounds.

Real talk.

But it was rather humbling getting people in our mentions asking us for Rounds.

We even got fan mail, you guys!

Although they did seem rather upset that they weren’t getting their weekly dose of outlandishness.

We apologize.

We’re back now.

A lot happened while we were away, yeah? DT is somehow still president, our own president finally found a flight and visited Nigeria enroute Daura, Hurricane Harvey hit, the Makurdi floods, Mayweather won, Small doctor showed us how small he is, might just need a doctor, Jon is a lowkey Targaryen in Winter cos he’s putting six inches of Snow in his aunty, Tariq is the most annoying guy on screen and of course the mad transfer season just ended with Neymar becoming the most expensive man on earth.

Also, as you probably saw via the hashtag #TandK2017, one of us went and got married.

I know, right?

Nigga, pictures from your wedding flooded my IG explore feed. Felt like a hostile takeover.

Bruh…I saw myself on pages I’d previously never seen. LMAO!

But yo! It was lit AF bro. Congrats again.

Thanks G. You did good carrying out groomsman duty though.

Had to represent, you know. So how do we address you? Mr Sirkastiq or just bloody ol’ nigga Sirkastiq?

I’m sure you’d figure it out.

I think I prefer bastard.

HAHAHA…My man!

We got the headlines ready yet?

Yeah. But no need for that. Let’s get into it..

 

 

***

BUHARI IS WORKING AND HAS WORKED

The Minister of Information and Culture, Lai Mohammed, has said the Buhari Administration is working and the results are showing in the various sectors of the economy.

Every time this nigga opens his mouth, he spews such excellently crafted rubbish.

Just passing information…for the culture.

Like, this whole shit is borne out of the recent statements that Nigeria is out of recession.

Tell that to the men on the street.

Policemen?

Ugh. The poor you dimwit.

Ah yes, so policemen.

Lie went on:

“Taking Nigeria out of recession did not happen by accident. It is the culmination of months of hard work by the Administration and fidelity to its well-articulated economic policies, especially the Strategic Implementation Economic Recovery (2016) and the Growth Plan (ERGP) that was launched on 5th April, 2017,”

“Taking Nigeria out..yen yen yen”

WHO TOOK US OUT?

Been a Nigerian all my life and was never taken out to or from anything.

Only been put in tbh.

Yup, put in trouble, put in a cell, put in darkness, recently put in water. It just remains for Nigeria to put me in rice.

Lai went on to list some ‘positive developments’ like the fall in the inflation rate from 18% to 16% as of July 2017; the rise in exports, coupled with a decrease in imports, increase in capital inflow, increase in foreign reserves and appreciation in exchange rate.

When you look at it like that, you’re tempted to pat yourself on the back and say yeah we haven’t done bad.

But don’t fall for the antics of Lai Mohammed yo! You just gotta stay woke.

Yup. Before you take the L ai?

You still don’t have sense with these your struggle wordplay.

That was a dope one, you can’t even deny. You’re just pained you didn’t use it first.

I don’t understand how Lai can associate the seeming improvement in our fortunes to the antics of a president that has been on Summer vacation since January.

Buhari has done jack shit for Nigera since he was elected.

Baba just used our votes to secure free transport across the world.

If there’s any commendation to be handed out, give that shit to the Prof for being hands on.

In similar news, we are already hearing loud whispers of Atiku contesting for president in 2017.

Also heard Buhari will be contesting too. LOL! LOL!

Huh? To do what? Rack up more flying miles? No thanks. Atiku can take a seat as well.

You know many people will still vote for him, right?

I know and it sucks. Like our amnesia is as concentrated as PH level high hydrochloric acid.

Only God can help us.

Meanwhile the president provided a healthy amount of shame for his country when he dropped his excuse for not resuming at the Presidential office when he resumed by sending Lie to tell us that…

Do you see the country that tweeted that? France!

Got these other nations laughing at us. Sending this tweet to other countries like “Just look at this shit”.

I’m so upset. The man has brought the country such shame. I recommend Seppuku please.

Speaking of…

 

 

***

WHO THA FUCK IS CK?

Only CK I know is Calvin Klein ma nigga.

There’s that other one Clark Kent.

Yeah, oh true, there’s Chuks

What?

Chuks…stays in my estate, boys call him CK for short.

How is CK short for Chuks? Do you even know how abbreviations work, or the concept of syllabilism?

That one is your business.

You need to collect change from your University, as you didn’t get the full education.

Anywayyy, y’all already heard/read about the MI/Osagz/Ayo/LooseKaynon podcast that had everyone talking the other day…

Some of you just saw a 4-minute snippet and jumped to conclusions faster than a Nigerian babe that saw another babe tying towel in her man’s house.

Not to flog the already deceased horse, we’ll just say the entire thing was a dick measuring charade.

And we might have discovered a new discovery that short men might actually have long schlongs.

The entire episode originated from some letter to M.I. critiquing his recent dip (Yes Mr. Incredible, you did fall off your seat for a bit)

I mean, I read the letter and was expecting to see the kind of lambasting Sho dey give them for SYBT but that shit was calm.

Ah well, M.I. felt it necessary to take up the matter and got himself in a ‘who can condescend the most?’ squabble.

They say don’t hit a man when he’s down but apparently, Osagie wasn’t an adept listener in biology class.

I mean, homie kept throwing shots that hit beneath his belt.

Where M.I. was.

And M.I. himself wasn’t having that shit because y’know, he’s an OG and he ain’t gon’ take disrespect from young cats who don’t know his struggle.

MI throwing them uppercuts masking them as air kisses.

At some point, Osagz lost it and had to scream out “who tha fuck is Ckay?”

And we watching were like “WTF?!”

Fam, I’d never even heard of the Ckay dude before that interview.

I’m sure the Ckay guy was like “hayyygod, how did I enter this matter now?”

Homie put out some music immediately after so you people can know who Ckay is.

Yeah, but then I listened to one of the tracks and I preferred it when Ckay was anonymous.

LOL, you want to critique the guy now, M.I. will come for you…this time with Ice Prince.

I don’t mind that at all.

I’m sure our readers would love an MI/Sirkastiq/Terdoh/Ice Prince ROUNDS.

They know where to find us. Come at me bro.

Anyway, if you haven’t seen the interview, and you have small internet to spare, please look it up.

Worth the two hours of schlong slanging, really.

Word. Moving on.

 

 

***

JAMB Reduces Cut Off Mark

This should have gone in the WTF segment  to be honest..

Anyway, the Joint Admission Matriculation Bozos have come again.

So now there’s really no excuse for you to not get a proper education. Right?

Yes. But more unemployable youth are gonna be pushed out. You know what they say in software engineering.

Garbage in garbage out?

Precisely.

Damn that’s cold. What was your JAMB score?

I don’t remember. Maybe like 420 or something. I set the bar real high in my day.

High is right. 420 yeah? Oshey Bob Marley.

I said I don’t remember!

Anyway, as you are all probably aware, JAMB has set the cut off mark to 120 so that all of you can enter university.

Entering is not the problem, you know. Getting out alive and then finding a job usually is the bone of contention.

As far as I’m concerned though…

They’re trying to cut us off from the rest of the world. You better not trust the system.

On the bright side, Ahmed can finally enter university, no?

Low blow. You underestimate the North. Winter is coming.

The north better remember what the fuck they studied.

Why you gotta be so rude? Don’t you know they’re human too.

*sigh* Fine. I’ll drop it.

Meanwhile, but still on the African governing bodies falling hands…

Togo cut off their people’s Internet supply so they wouldn’t protest the government.

Why? You ask?

Well, news reaching us says the citizens were planning a protest against president Faure Gnassingbé. So they were like “Nope. No twitter or Whatsapp for you. Communicate via raven if you must”

However, our African brothers were completely undeterred as they headed to the Ghanaian border to tap small Internet so they can voice their criticism of Gnassingbé.

Man, thank goodness none of your presidents has successfully pulled some shit like this, dear Naija.

Wait. Didn’t they try to…

Bruh. In Cameroon there was a 93-day blackout. We’re definitely doing great…sweetie.

Well then.

All in all, our governments stay steady embarrassing us.

It is time for change. And not the APC kind, please.

Thanks and God bless.

Moving on..

 

 

 

***

Meanwhile, in completely outlandish news..

We need to find the image of a frustrated pig to use as the cover image for this story.

Can’t catch a break.

From Fire to Frying pan ey?

That should have been the headline for this story. You’re slipping man.

Apologies.. You know we can just edit it right? And no one will know..

Nah. What’s the fun in that? Let everyone see your slip up.

A litter of piglets saved from a burning barn were served up on a barbecue, just months later, by the firefighters who rescued them.

Inhumane. But then again, manmustwack.

The litter of 18, and two sows, were saved from the blaze at a farm in Milton Lilbourne, Wiltshire, in February, when 60 tonnes of hay caught fire.

However, their stay of execution would not last long, with farmer Rachel Rivers turning them into sausages as a thank-you treat to the crews who tackled the fire.

I do understand the rationale behind that decision though. I mean, they would have been burnt to bacon anyway. Might as well be bacon on a plate instead of in a sty.

Right?

I mean they were already being reared to be sold as meat.

As sensible as it sounds, you can’t help laugh at the irony in this entire sequence of events.

I’m sure the firemen won’t complain though.

Complain? They’ll even be more eager to take down more barn fires. Maybe we’ll get some turkey with our bacon this time..

Or maybe even some ass..

Smh. I wanna be upset but that was actually funny.

You’re all welcome.

Are we done with today’s episode?

Well…just one more thing to talk about.

 

 

***

HARVEY

By now you must have heard of the ol’ spinning girl that mad her way through Texas.

I mean it’s Hurricane season.

We’re talking Irma, Jose, Gert, Franklin…

And of course, Harvey.

Hurricane Harvey has dumped over 30 inches of rain throughout parts of Southeast Texas since it made landfall on Friday, 25th August 2017.

The storm and ensuing flooding have left at least 300,000 people without power and roughly 30,000 displaced to temporary shelters.

After the hurricane had taken over people’s houses, there were thousands of people that were completely displaced. Even by Monday morning.

And a certain man was singled out during the entire event.

Donald Trump?

We’ll come back to that later, probably. But no, Joel Osteen.

Oh…him.

Yeah. And it’s not like he wasn’t sympathetic with the victims of Harvey. At least he appeared to be.

But he came under a lot of fire during the relief period.

Here’s the thing. While I’m on the fence on their right to demand that he does such a thing, it is expected of him with his moral standing to provide help for the victims.

Especially with the resources at his disposal.

People, Osteen doesn’t just have a church. He has a Mega Church.

What’s the biggest church you’ve ever been in?

You’re probably sitting in one right now.

Look around, and multiply that by 50. It’s probably still not as big as Osteen’s.

The capacity for Lakewood Church is 16,800.

That would offer a lot of relief to a lot of victims, you know.

And just for context, look what happened in Makurdi.

The flooding caused a lot of victims to be displaced from their homes.

And then there was this..

While we cannot hold everyone to the same moral standard…Andy isn’t even a pastor.

Last we checked…

All he does is work out and look swole.

Anyway, back to the matter, this is my point.

I mean people who aren’t critically acclaimed “Men of God” did way more for humanity than he did.

Even the Anti Christ himself reached out and did some shit after much criticism.

Yet…

Ah well. This is what happens when deep down you have no…

 

 

 

Morals

Ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the end of this week’s episode once again.

And in the usual fashunz we are gonna try to do a quick recap just before we skate out of here.

It’s rather dusty in the studio though, Tula. We had to dust our mics and everything.

At least you know nobody was in your seat while you were gone.

We need to fix that.

We’ll get right to that soon. Right now we bring you the gems.

This week we learnt that rats…rats…can stop the nation’s president from working.

I wonder how big the rodents were. Must have scared the president half to death when they ran across the room. For him to send his moutpiss (I said what I said) to spew that crap.

Lie has no regard for us, it’s true.

We forgive you. We will vote better when the time comes. Do and leave abeg.

Next we had our questions answered when we asked who the fuck CKay is.

I didn’t even know him before the interview. Choc City got some work to do.

Not sure ths is the kind of publicity you want for your ‘flagship’ artist.

Sad story. Great interview though. Best podcast of AOT2’s life!

Next we learnt that our country’s educational standards have been dropped even lower.

And it is now easier than ever to get into university. So no excuses Abdul.

Low blow. Dass racis..

You’re one to talk.

Next we learnt that a pig’s fate is sealed in this cold world of ours.

It’s no wonder they’re delicious from head to toe.

But there’s really no escaping it, Porky.

Then of course Joel Osteen came through with the revelation that not every man of God deserves to be called one.

Although we’ve known that for quite some time, haven’t we?

And now we have come to the point of curtain calling. And the credits are fast approaching.

Before we leave, we got a little announcement to make.

 

We’ll be expecting your mails.

Alright people! We’re back!!

Join us same time next week for more of this outlandish shit!

Till then we wish you peace, love and laughter.

Later yo!

 

 

***

Culled from:

  • qz.com
  • dailymail.co.uk

Responses

  1. Girl
    Hey guys!
    Welcome back!
    Don’t go away for that long again please, I literally went into withdrawal from lack of rounds.
    Congratulations @sirkastiq! I wish you a happy and fruitful marriage!
    Bear hugs and kisses to the both of you!
    1. sirkastiq
      Thank you girl…
      Now let’s talk about this health issue you mentioned. “you went into withdrawal from lack of rounds…”
      It’s quite a common issue with our women, my hands are a bit tied to prescribe, but guess who can? Doctor Terdoo…yup!

      LOL

  2. jude
    Write a response..yaaaaaaaayyyyyy… Apart from the Epl, Rounds is another sturv I look forward to.. Ya’ll went away for too long,.. Wait àbí they went to plan sarqastic wedding…?.. Just asking.. Welcome back guys

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