Join Sirkastiq and Terdoo as they take you through the events of the past week. From the affairs of IPOB to the launch of the new iPhone to the travails of Jemele Hill. And in this week’s WTF section, they bring you their most bizarre item yet. Read, enjoy, share.
Welcome to your favorite thing to read on the Internet.
Our price is going up like your girl when we slide up in them DMs.
I can’t second that. My wife might be reading this.
So you just gon leave me alone huh? What do I do with all these bragging rights?
I’m sure you’ll find something to do with them.
This week in the news we are actually afraid that the world is coming to an end.
Before we even go into it, we gotta say we’re a little overwhelmed with the responses we’ve gotten this past week.
we put out an ad. Looked a little som’n like this…
And to be honest we didn’t even expect the level of talent these guys came at us with.
I mean you’re out here thinking you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to written comedy and some chick is outchea coming up with some of the best one-liners we’ve ever read.
Pretty impressive stuff. We can’t wait to show you what these people have.
But before we get into that, we have today’s news to bring to you, yes?
IPOB AND NIGERIA – WHICH WAY O?
Does anyone remember the civil war?
History seems to repeat itself.
APPLE LAUNCHES IPHONE X,
FENTY BEAUTY LAUNCHES RIHANNA’S BOOBS
RT if you’re first in line for both
Through Ups and Downs with J. Hill
How to say it with your chest
MR EAZI COMPLICATES THINGS
Must be all that billionaire box
Life is eazi.
The Tale of Two Men.
And one organ.
IPOB AND NIGERIA – WHICH WAY O?
Just when you thought Nigeria couldn’t get any worse.
I know, right? Like, can we have a break?
Bruh, you might wanna be careful what you ask for.
I don’t even know how we got here. Like is it that they were not carrying the Easterners along whenever they steal money?
They felt marginalized bro. Wounds from the civil war didn’t heal too.
Smh smh. Now we can’t even be civil anymore.
So y’all remember the leader of the Biafra gang yeah?
Hmm, we’re gonna have to review those history textbooks you been reading. There’s a new intellectual with a beard.
Yeah. So he recently backed out of planned talks between his group and the South-East Governors Forum.
These talks were arranged to seek an amicable resolution of issues raised by Mr. Kanu and his cohorts.
Cannot even behave like the Kanu we all love and admire.
This one is bent on releasing his arsenal via war and conflict.
Ah well, based on recent happenings which include officers of the Nigerian army molesting and torturing members of IPOB…
They christened it ‘Operation Python Dance 2’
Who comes up with these slimy names?
They couldn’t even call it something like ‘save the last dance’.
Anyway, Nnamdi Kanu heard and saw the reports of ‘OPERATION PYTHON DANCE’ and said he would no longer continue with the talks.
Fam, I saw a video online where they had these niggas lie in dirty water nshit.
Me too. I don’t even know whether I felt anger and whom I was angry with.
But why do people even put themselves in these dirty situations? It never ends well.
Reports reaching me even say there have been reprisal attacks in the east as northerners are being attacked.
This shit won’t end well.
Nnamdi Kanu had said he turned down the meeting with the governors because there was an alleged plot by soldiers to assassinate him while on his way.
He also disclosed that he was currently attending to his injured and bereaved followers, who had fallen victim to attacks by the military during the attack.
Bruh, the funny thing which isn’t really funny is how the real president of Nigeria has not said PIM about this shit. All we know is…
You’re a better man than me, still believing he’s president.
Like bro, grow some damn balls and take this bull by the horn.
Are you suggesting confrontation?
No, I’m saying he should be the fucking man and do something. Whether he knows it or not, these IPOB people are HIS PEOPLE! Some probably even voted for him.
You’re right. I think he’s forgotten. Maybe we should send him SMS.
Probably doesn’t have a phone that has SMS functionality. You know they said he’s humble.
You know what my theory on this is?
Hear me out. Atiku is behind all of this. He’s going to team up with Kanu as his VP and present his candidacy as the only way to keep Nigerian united.
Are you a goalkeeper? Cos that’s a stretch.
Alright then. 3/10. At best.
*Sigh* Cliché but if you can pray, now will be a good time to pray for Nigeria.
APPLE LAUNCHES IPHONE X, FENTY BEAUTY LAUNCHES RIHANNA’S BOOBS
See, all you need to know about the new iPhones is that the X goes for $999 and the 8 $699 – $799.
Better don’t be looking at features trying to convince yourself.
Hahahaha…if you have the money, what is feature?
I tire o! Do you look at the features of your fave teams’ jersey before buying it?
Poverty is a bastard bro. Poverty got you like “Hmmm, the iPhone X doesn’t have a home button, so nah, definitely a Nokia E71 for me”
Hahahaha. If you like complain from now till Davido grows a fro, the price won’t change. In case you don’t know Apple are quite the snobs, and they don’t really care about us.
They definitely know when to release their shit tho.
Yup, keep it close to December so y’know, presents be popping.
If you’re still single, stay that way.
Word. Hashtag that shit #StayThatWay
Speaking of presents and December…
The Fenty Beauty line was launched last week.
So were Rihanna’s boobs. I mean, we’ve seen them quite a lot, but these her new boobs are so…so…booby. Like really soft cherry mangoes, I just want to s..
Ehn ehn, can you control yourself, jeez!
Mahn, couldn’t hear anything she was saying at the launch. Was having a tough time focusing.
LOL. Anyway, you melanin popping queens can now get your products from Fenty beauty.
I hear it’s been a struggle finding stuff that works for black skin.
Well, struggle no more. Send the purchase links to your boyfriends and husbands today.
Did Rih get her boobs done?
Can someone answer with proof and workings please. I’m so confused.
Through Ups and Downs with J. Hill
Did you get it? Did you get that headline?
Well, cos her name is Hill. And every hill has ups and…
*facepalm* Rule number 1 of Sit Down Comedy: Never explain your jokes.
You did. You literally said “No” like 8 seconds ago.
Oh. Right. And…what’s my name again?
Wow. Should have seen that one coming. But wait. Sit Down Comedy?
Yes. It’s the opposite of stand up…
Well someone just violated the No. 1 rule..
I just want you to acknowledge the greatness of the headline.
Oya let’s get to it. We’re losing daylight.
Y’all heard of Jemele Hill?
You must have. Sports journalist on ESPN.
I think she comes on at 6pm on SportsCenter.
Right. Anyway, she came under the spotlight this week for some comments she made about Trump.
People were even calling for her resignation.
I know you’re wondering what sports has to do with Trump but if you sit with Colin Kaepernick for half a minute, you’ll realize that racism doesn’t tick “Absent” on the sports rooster.
We’re sure you’re wondering what she said that caused this entire ruckus.
People started responding, and so did Jemele.
She’s been spot on so far, in my rather humble opinion. But what do I know?
The next day, ESPN responded with this.
When your boss is a White Supremacist.
LOL! Or just doesn’t want to get fired by HIS boss.
Anyway, the Donald eventually dropped his two cents on the issue.
LOL! Let me get this straight. He is demanding an apology?
Even his people are saying she should be fired for it.
Well well…this is ironic. So basically, calling the president racist should be a “fireable offence” yeah?
You know how there’s literally a Trump tweet for every occasion? Well, this one is no different.
You really shouldn’t throw stones if you live in glass white houses.
I was really impressed by how the whole thing went down though. Especially how Hill’s colleagues handled the whole thing.
True. They were trying to get her off the air and replace her lowkey. But her colleagues weren’t having it.
That’s how you know your people have your back like a chiropractor.
Thanks. It’s The MC. Tell your friends about me.
According to ThinkProgress.org
, ESPN wanted to suspend Hill for Wednesday’s show, but co-anchor Michael Smith said he wouldn’t go on air without her.
ESPN then reportedly asked Michael Eaves and Elle Duncan, two other black anchors, to sub for Hill and Smith, but they refused, too.
Hill, however, expressed her regret over the controversy.
You’re doing great sweetie.
At the end of the day, as low-key journalists ourselves, we recognize the right to free speech. And anyone and their uncle can say whatever the fuck they want.
Especially when it’s true.
Take your L in peace, Mr. White Supremacist.
MR EAZI COMPLICATES THINGS
I’m not really sure how I feel about this guy anymore.
You know how it is now, when you start dating money, your shoulder goes all the way up.
One would have thought Eazi would stay humble and rock his raffia hats jeje.
But nope! To be talking shit is now his forte.
In case you’re wondering what shit Eazi recently talked, he said he basically brought that Ghana vibe ting yeah..
And all your artistes who ain’t even on that shitor ting bruv, now jumpin on it like a conductor inna Lagos bus park.
Mad ting. Man called out all mandem in one interview on some “bro, who taught you shitor, twi etc”
How did we switch to our south London accents? Let’s keep it local for the mandem y’get me?
Meanwhile, Eazi recently gave us some nice dodo in another interview recently.
He said he was earning about six thousand dollars per month on a job while in Nigeria, but then quit because of routine and lack of fulfillment.
You quit earning $6000 to pursue fulfillment?
Nigga, drop another dodo because this one no dey fry well chale.
I mean, you’re in your 20’s and earning that as a starting salary but you want fulfillment?
WHICH DIRTY FULFILLMENT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR AT THAT AGE?
Don’t mind him. As if it’s not fancy things and babes we dey focus on.
Nigga needs to take it eazi with the fibs.
“I quit because I was not finding fulfillment in it. I mean it was the same thing every day, the same routine over and over again. The decision to quit the job finally hit me when my boss’ wife left him even with all the money he had.”
I’m this close to insulting him, but let me hold it before they will say I’m a hater and I don’t have as much money as he does.
Is that what we are talking about?
‘After I left my job, I got my Masters degree and with all that qualification, I started selling phones in computer village and everyone thought something was wrong with me.
Of course. From $6000 to computer village hustler.
‘My break finally came after I got an invite to do two shows in London that made me twelve thousand pounds which I used to shoot two videos. When I told my mother what I did with the money, she stopped talking to me for about three weeks.
Ahn ahn, you won’t tell us how you went from Ikeja to London?
No respect. Even Wande the gawd told us how he went from Mushin to MoHits.
Anyway, whatever the real story, big up yourself man.
I mean, he’s dropping them hits, raking the dough and dating a billionaire heiress.
That’s why he can open mouth and say “Life is Eazi”
That’s why he can run his mouth about being the originator of the new music sound.
He should take it to the bank na.
You’re really upset about this sha.
Well…some people have bigger problems, you know. For example…
These Siamese Twins Share A Penis
And now we bring to you what has to be the most outlandish shit we heard this week.
We use that word too much.
Yeah. You don’t know any synonyms?
Quirky, zany, unconventional, idiosyncratic…
We’ve heard. You went to school.
Yep. One of the very best. But I’m gonna stick with outlandish.
It’s…outlandish. Leave it.
I will. Sadly, our beloved victim in this here article can’t do the same thing.
LOL! Bigger problems fam…
So you see people, we were sitting down in our respective offices when this story
popped in the group chat.
Meet Alfred and Wilbert Peterson, a set of Siamese Twins in Michigan who are involved in a serious lawsuit.
The only problem I see here is where to even begin with the jokes.
They already wrote themselves in my opinion.
We can kick off the questions now (and trust me, we have so many) but just for context we need to first of all give you the full story.
Alfred and Wilbert Peterson were born joined at the waist and facing each other, and spent their entire life this way.
They are conjoined at the waist, meaning they have two sets of arms and two sets of legs, and each one has his own heart and stomach, but that’s about where that ovum paused the splitting process.
So they share the same digestive tract…
Now this is about where the problem starts.
First of all Alfred probably has to take dumps for the food Wilbert ate.
Now if that isn’t bad enough…Alfred has to share Wilbert’s horrific desires.
This shared penis has become a major source of conflict between the twins over recent years.
And Alfred is now going to court to keep his brother from masturbating.
Don’t you just hate family members? You can’t get rid of them and you have to accommodate their habits.
But not anymore!! Freedom for Alfred please!!
Alfred was in court like:
“He keeps playing with our penis without my consent. That’s legally a sexual assault!”
We’re so sorry Alfred. No man should ever have to say that.
Only person that should say “our penis” is your wife, to be honest.
Alfred is reportedly suffering from Insomnia and a post-traumatic syndrome.
Well you would too if you ever woke up at night on three occasions to catch your brother masturbating.
That usually wouldn’t be so horrific, if it weren’t your penis too, you know.
“I don’t want to sleep at night because I’m afraid he’s going to touch me.”
Wilbert responded to these claims, claiming he has done nothing wrong and maintains that he has the legal right to masturbate.
You know what? You’re right Alfred. No one should tell you what to do with your schlong brother!
If you want to play tug of war with cyclops then so be it.
If you wanna unleash the dragon and stroke it while you whisper “dracarys” to yourself over and over then so be it!
However, Wilbert, you gotta be considerate of your brother. It’s his penis too, you know.
We hope you’re reading this, dear Peterson Twins.
In his defense, he says he waits for his brother to be asleep because he knew he was against it didn’t want to disturb or shock him.
That’s about as considerate as it gets, I guess.
Remember, these guys are 54 years old.
Damn, that’s a long ass time to share a penis.
I still have questions though.
Who feels it the most? Say for example Wilbert starts jerking off, while Alfred is asleep. Does Alfred wake up like “oooh yeah baby”?
And do they both get horny at the same time? I assume not cos otherwise Alfred wouldn’t be complaining so much.
How does the penis feel? One brain is enough strain on any penis. Being attached to two must be hard work.
Also…if they have sex with someone is it called a threesome?
Naw. More like a two-and-a-halfsome.
You don’t deserve nice things.
Anyway, if you ever wake up one morning and can’t see a reason to be grateful for your life, just remember you don’t have to take your twin to court to stop him from touching you.
After that last article, we should all just bump DJ Khaled’s latest album and cue credits, tbh.
But today we learnt a lot more than just gratitude.
First we learnt how any small thing right now can cause Nigeria to just split like it’s auditioning for ballet class.
The super glue that used to hold this country together so effortlessly seems to have expired.
We’re gonna actually have to hold hands together and pray for this country.
Next we learnt that Apple has released 2 freaking phones.
Right on time. My birthday is around the corner…ladies.
So thirsty. Damn.. Are you going to ask for Fenty makeup too?
Hey. If you are led, bless me!
Next we learnt that Karma is such a hoe.
You know. Screwing everybody has to be a full time job.
If you’re a TV personality talking trash about the president…
Then don’t be surprised when you’re the president and some TV personality is talking trash about you.
Chop your L in peace. Amen?
Then we learnt that Mr. Eazi is Ghanaian.
Until it’s Christmas time and he needs that concert money…
Then he becomes Oluwatosin Oluwole Ajibade.
We’ll be here when he comes to prostrate again on stage for boys.
Last we learnt to be grateful..
If you woke up this morning and your penis was yours and yours alone, and you didn’t have to share it with anyone, then you should be…
Okay. That brings us to the end of this episode.
We wanna say a huge THANK YOU to every single person who reached out and said they wanted to be a part of this team.
Y’all have no idea how flattered we were by the responses.
We apologize if you haven’t heard back from us.
Well what? Those Ijebu girls finally caught up with you?
Smh. We will get back to all of you. And we’ll let y’all know the outcome soon.
Till then, we wish you peace, love and laughter..
See you guys same time next week for more of this…
- Pulse News
- The Star