Join Sirkastiq and Terdoo in this week’s episode of ROUNDS as they give you their take on Kevin Hart’s cheating scandal Buhari’s traveling like he’s Gulliver, wedding woes, and giant Chinese dildos. This should be fun.
It’s pouring buckets fam.
Baby making weather. You shouldn’t be complaining.
Well, instead of making babies, we’re here reading news. Aren’t we?
Ah, I see why you’re so grumpy.
It’s been an eventful week, as usual, in news.
And we’re totally here to bring you the shit we found this week.
But before we go into it, your favorite orange man has come again with all his childish glory.
The story starts with Donald Trump inviting Steph Curry to the WH.
And Steph was like naw bruh.
Then Donald took to his Twitter like the overgrown baby that he is like…
But King James responded with…
Also, with regards to kneeling, I hope ALL the athletes at the NFL kneel today.
After that rant he had, I honestly hope they do.
Nonsense. Please kneel, sit, even lie down. They cannot sack all of you, amen?
Amen. Now enough fooling around. Let us begin today’s proceedings.
Buhari Goes to UN
We don’t do local mics.
International mics only please.
MATTERS OF THE HART
What (not) to do when your mistakes…
Cost $10 million.
Groom asks guests to help pay for wedding
The game is to be sold and not told.
And apparently so is the wedding…
Ghana Set To Legalize Marijuana…
Light years ahead of the rest of us.
Bantu music about to be lit!
Massive Dildos and Butt Plugs
Found in 2,000 Year old Tombs
Wang, your granddaddy was a freak.
Buhari Goes to UN
Buhari was at the UN during this past week.
UN stands for United Nations.
And it’s not a country, in case you were wondering.
Yup, not another vacation spot that just opened up for your president to visit.
He was (as we reported last week) there to speak to the general assembly.
I wonder if they could understand him. Heck, we can’t understand him.
G said more words there than he’s said to Nigerians.
Always speaking from outside our shores.
Maybe the mics here are smelling.
That’s not fair on the mics.
Wondering what he said at the UNGA?
I mean, it shouldn’t be hard to guess your president’s fave topic.
Yup. Buhari’s address focused on the need to fight corruption both locally and internationally.
They need to change the tape to side B. this one is done.
Tired of hearing about it man. He also spoke on efforts being made to provide relief and assistance to all affected by terrorism and the floods in Nigeria.
The best relief will be for him and his health if he steps down #JustSaying
But nope, neither him nor those around him can see that, or well, maybe they’re just myopic.
They’re intoxicated with power bro.
Good luck to them, soon they’ll turn ghost.
The president then had lunch with Donald Trump, the twitter guy who’s president of the United States.
Oh no, not alone, there were other African leaders present as well.
Trump probably tweeted through the bore fest.
New reports indicate Buhari has now returned to the UK.
It’s like he forgot his handkerchief last time.
We expect him to visit Nigeria sometime soon.
MATTERS OF THE HART
We know you guys are literally dying to hear our bit on this issue.
Y’all probably waiting like customers in front of a Fenty store for TNC to roll out the opinion pieces on the Kevin Hart scandal.
Hmmm. It’s a tough one for me personally ‘cos I like the guy Kevin.
Yeah, and you’re namesakes too.
Ummm, no, I’m keLvin, he’s Kevin.
Funny you’re the one with an L, but he’s the one that took it. Nigga probably wants to be you so bad.
Must be because I’m taller, and finer.
You like focusing on the worldly, immaterial things.
Bro, riches comes with a lot of material, what you talkin’ bout G?
Ugh! Anyway, you definitely know the story already. Kevin cheated on his pregnant wife.
That’s where the story should have ended but you see, there’s this thing about history and how it doesn’t forget.
Before Eniko, there was Torrei. She was Kev’s wife but then Kev cheated on her with Eniko.
Now, with Eniko pregnant with his third child, Kev finds himself in the middle of another cheating scandal.
Short guys just can’t stay in one place!
LMAOOO. What’s even worse is that he had slammed cheating on a recent interview.
But yeah, with feelers reaching him about the presence of video evidence, Kev bought some data, got on Instagram and sent out an apology to his wife and kids.
“I’m at a place in my life where I feel like I have a target on my back, and because of that, I should make smart decisions,”
Oh yes Kevin, you should. Like make sure all phones are seized before such interactions.
And try to be vigilant, you know, like watch out for possible cameras?
“I simply got to do better, but I’m also not going to allow a person to have financial gain over my mistakes,” Hart said. “In this particular situation, that’s what was attempted, and I said I’d rather fess up to my mistakes.”
The lady in the video Montia Sabbag has also claimed she wasn’t the one who filmed it all, and is even coming out as a victim of the crime, after all, her privacy has been violated.
It’s all an entire messy situation, even the Kardashians might find it hard to keep up.
We’re just hoping history really doesn’t repeat itself and we don’t hear about Kevin and Montia in the subsequent years.
That’s when we’ll know Kevin really doesn’t learn from his mistakes.
All I want to know is when does the “Let Me Really Explain” world tour start so we can laugh at his pain..
Groom Asks Guests To Help Pay For Wedding
Now to a story about new love.
These guys Ben Farina and Clare Moran have decided to convert their wedding event to some sort of business event.
I mean, considering all the expenses, things that need to be done, and the people for whom it’s being done, why not?
The couple, unable to afford their dream wedding have asked guests to contribute up to £150 each to attend.
I had considered something similar at a point; I mean VIP tickets for high table, front row tickets for close up and then the gallery section for ‘gbogbo ero’.
No lies bro. If everybody at that wedding paid N1000 to get in, I’d have about N1,000,000 at the end of the day.
And where do you get food, small chops, cake, ice cream, drinks, spirits, babes and good music for N1000?
Ah well, my time has passed. Let’s start developing the plan for your own wedding.
LOOOL. Back to Ben and Clare, they have said their wedding we be “like an all-inclusive holiday” for those attending.
The charge includes a three-night stay at the venue in Derbyshire, which has a pool and spa.
The groom denied being “tight” and insisted the idea had “gone down well” with guests.
LOL. Sounds like a legit plan to me. Just rent out Inagbe resort, get people to pay for their rooms, have the ceremony on the beach, party all night and do it all again.
Ghana Set To Legalize Marijuana…
These guys are just trend setters…
I’m running out of words.
They were the first known African country to bring normalcy to their government with the use of the death penalty.
Then they inspired a whole new generation of African sound with bantu music.
I’m sure Eazi is somewhere nodding his head to this shit like “yeah. You heard it here first.”
Not to mention the actual trailers that their women carry behind them like its nothing.
That’s got nothing to do with anything, we just threw that one in there for free.
And now these pace setters…
Right. These Ghanaians have taken this shit a step further.
We got have to catch up, you know. Ghana is in…well, 2017 while the rest of us are in 1991.
The country’s acting head of the Ghana Standards Authority Professor Alex Dodoo is calling for a debate to be initiated on the cultivation of marijuana, saying other countries are cultivating it for medical purpose.
That’s not even the head, that’s the acting head.
It seems like once you put an “actor” in the seat of power things just start working out nicely. Take Prof for example…
Alex is not even saying everybody should start smoking Indian Hemp…Because we know that’s what African parents will start saying…
“I’m not advocating that we should promote marijuana but several countries are now promoting medical marijuana including Canada… they are now creating greenhouses to grow it and we have them in the bush but currently, it’s illegal. But that argument; that discussion should start.”
I mean, can we have that discussion already? We’ve talked about everything from legalizing gay marriage to gender equality in politics…when are we gonna start talking about some cannabis, bruh?
According to Prof Dodoo, Ghana needs to start viewing marijuana as a source of national revenue rather than petty crime marks.
Hey, people are gonna do it anyway…Legalize it.
And we will advertise it…
Album dropping October 19. Watch this space.
Bruh, but do you know how much dough can be made from the exportation of this plant?
LOL! Considering that ganja from the mother land ‘posed to be the most potent, yeah?
From the bosom of Mother Nature herself.
Dodoo has seen the vision though.
“If we have the best products, why don’t we produce it at least for exports to the market in America, the market in Uruguay, the market in Canada and in several other countries where they need it for medical purposes. Germany uses a lot of herbal medicines which are evaluated according to what Germany feels provides a fair balance between promoting the product and protecting the public and we should do that in Ghana,”
Other African countries have already started this though. For example, Lesotho has farmers growing weed for domestic consumption, Swaziland and Malawi are planning to legalize marijuana, and even Zimbabwe is looking to legalize cannabis.
Nigeria’s name is not on that list.
Got a long way to go, innit?
Massive Dildos and Butt Plugs Found in 2,000 Year old Tombs
First thing we gotta do right now is hit you with the picture just so you know we ain’t playing…
Yeah. Go ahead and insert the massive dildo.
I see what you did there by the way.
During multiple excavations dating all the way back to 1995, scientists dug up ancient artifacts.
These artifacts belonged to the crème del la freaks of the Chinese society.
We’re talking major freak shit though. I mean look at that butt plug.
Jesus. That’s a butt plug? Someone hold me please.
They found bronze dildos and jade butt plugs in the pile of decorated pots and fancy loofahs.
You know how rich you had to be to get a butt plug made out of jade?
Just for context, Jade is a precious stone in Chinese culture.
And these niggas were sticking it up their various rectums.
Seems like when Mulan wasn’t busy saving China, she was getting her freak on across all of it.
Bruh, Emperor Gaozu of the Han Dynasty apparently knew how to throw it byke!
And he wasn’t the only one. Being a gentleman in the streets and a freak in the hand-carved opium sheets was apparently a royalty thing.
And all of them were in on it.
Members of the Han Dynasty introduced the use of these toys as a way to increase sexual pleasure before you even considered stepping foot in your first sex shop.
“They were all definitely made for use, and we can speculate based on their various bases how they were worn. They’re all bespoke, and the ones we have here might have been laced into place with leather or silk thongs, though it’s not clear if they were designed for men or women – they’re not heavy at all – though the phallus without the ring form was likely for a man since it was found in a king’s tomb.”
– Exhibition Co-Curator Fan Zhang of the Yizheng Musem
LOL! Oshey Emperor… Do you ma nigga. Do you…
The butt plugs apparently had a more…spiritual function though.
Yeah they were used to keep the spirits of the dead people intact and preserve their chi.
LOL! “Yeah. He’s dead. Stick a jade plug up his rectum so his spirit doesn’t escape. Mmmm…right there. Yes.”
They’d have had to lube up the dead body.
Nah, them Chinese were some freaks! Sneaking random raunchy shit in as tradition.
“The jade plugs are used to seal the body and keep in vital essences that can leak out during life and death. Basically, it is to maintain the chi. The most important orifice was the mouth, and we have a beautiful example of a mouth seal in the shape of a cicada in the exhibition.”
– Zhang explained.
Wow. I’m even more scarred than I was before this article started.
I didn’t think you could be any more damaged than you currently are fam, congratulations.
Smh. Well there goes whatever was left of my morals.
As all good things are wont to do, this episode has come to an end.
They go by so quickly these days. I can’t keep up.
Before we leave though, you know we gotta do a quick recap of today’s outlandishness.
The first lesson of today’s session was that our president spends less time in his home country than some tourists.
This one that we have normalized this behavior and accepted it, sha. We continue to accept rubbish from our leaders.
LOL! Everyone is just folding his or her hands waiting for 2019 to come.
Then we learnt that when someone blackmails you with money that you don’t have, all you gotta do is go on Instagram and out yourself.
Look at that, problem solved!
Where is Kevin going to find 10 million dollars please?
He has it though. Don’t underestimate the kid. He’s the highest paid comedian in the world.
Still 10m is a stretch. Someone had a laptop full of Kanye’s sex tapes and only charged him $250k to keep it hidden. Why is her own times 40 please?
LOL! That was his cousin. This one is just hungry.
Still though, the moral I got is not to be greedy. Look at her, she’s under investigation now.
LOL! Ah well, moral learned.
Next we learnt that the best method for getting married is to make the guests sponsor the wedding.
Too late for me. But you better take a cue.
Noted. I’ll tell my future wife about it.
I mean it only makes sense. If you want to attend so bad, might as well pay for it.
I mean, who tradition epp?
LOL! Next we learnt that our next-door neighbors are years ahead of us in the grand scheme of things.
No wonder their beats are such fire.
Blame it on the blunt, ey?
And last but definitely not least..
Insert that dildo one more time for the culture…
Ancient Chinese Royal Throne, maybe?
LOL! Last but not least we learnt that the ancient Chinese preserved their chi by plugging their butt holes so their spirits won’t leave their bodies.
Well damn. Why wasn’t this important information passed down through civilization? LOL!
*sigh* Why are you so stupid?
Okay, that’s it from us this week. Please join us same time next week for more of this snarky ass shit.
Till then we wish you peace, love, and laughter.
- Daily Mail